10/22/2007

Bullet-ins

  • I dread reaching the age when I must consider how the quality of my diet affects the quality of my stool. This food backs me up. That one gives me the runs. This one will activate my diverticulosis. Can you imagine the day when, before you eat, you have to ask yourself, "Will this come out OK? Literally, will this come out OK?"
  • Why do they call the clap, the clap? I think they should call it the scratch. Or maybe, the wince. Maybe it's because of the clapping sound your hand makes across your genitals when you try to take a leak.
  • Have you seen the Toyota truck commercial where the Loch Ness Monster bites the truck, drags it underwater, savages it like a pit bull, then spits it 100 feet into the air? Question: what the fuck are you doing to your truck that this ad speaks to you? Who buys this crap? Imagine this guy at the sales floor: "Tell me, my good man. How does this truck fare against savage mythological beasts? Are dragon bites covered in the bumper-to-bumper warranty?" What scares me is, I watched this commercial about 15 times before I woke up to its absurdity. At first, I'd watch it and think, Wow, that's a tough truck right there -- like it was a real event or something. Then I snapped out of it and had to punch myself in the face for being so dumb.
  • I wonder if other religions have their version of the devil. What about Judaism? What's a Jewish devil like? I'll bet he's a big, tall, blond haired, blue eyed sales clerk who stands behind a divine register and forces evil souls to pay retail for discounted items.
  • I'm proud to report I've grown the biggest bonsai tree on the planet. I keep it planted in my backyard and I trim it to look just like an elm tree.
  • It would suck if you were renting an apartment, but you couldn't afford the rent. So, you had to rent a truck to move the furniture, which you were also renting, out of the apartment and put it in a rented storage facility. Also, it turns out your girlfriend is a hooker.
  • If you broke wind in a perfectly air-tight room, would your ears pop?
  • Some watches have both a digital display and an analogue display. Why stop there? Why not put a sundial and an hourglass on the piece of crap?

58 comments:

random moments said...

I'm numero uno!! Woohoo!

I was finally able to afford my rent and then they go and bump it up. If I found out J were a hooker I'd just pimp him out to pay for my ridiculous rent.

I so want to comment on the first bullet, but I won't in an effort to keep my lady-like appearances. *snort*

tornwordo said...

Don't you consider the "burning ringpiece" before you tuck into that flaming hot burrito?

The jew joke was funny.

I spent way too much time thinking about the fart in an air tight room question. And finally I think that no, your ears would not pop. The increased pressure outside your body would be evenly distributed to your entire outside body surface which would have shrunk slightly due to the flatulent release. Therefore, your ears would likely not pop. The volume of the gas expelled remains the tricky variable here.

Turnbaby said...

I think your ears might pop--never know how big the fart is gonna be--it could cause a pressure exchange--did you go to Taco Bell or the local taqueria???

And if you did--it's likely gonna give you the runs--sorry sugar. It appears that age does have a say in how and what we eat. Sure you can eat anything you want---just remember --payback's a bitch. *sigh*

Turnbaby said...

Damn it man--now I have to go and research why it's called 'the clap'!;-)

Turnbaby said...

It's Wikipedia--I know I know


"The clap"
Gonorrhea is also commonly known by the slang term "the clap". One suggested etymology refers to a traditional treatment used to clear the blockage in the urethra from gonorrheal pus, where the penis would be "clapped" on both sides simultaneously.[5] It could also refer to the painful sting in the male urethra, which feels like the sting of a clap (as in clapping hands) when infected with the disease. Yet another suggested source is from the old French word "clapier", meaning "brothel". Another suggested source for the term is from a notorious 18th century keeper of a brothel, Margaret Clap (better known as "Mother Clap"), though perhaps her name itself was derived from the slang term. This term has, in recent years, come to be used by extension to refer to any unspecified sexually transmitted disease.

Call me Maniac. said...

Another great post, LBB. How on earth do you come up with this stuff?

Loving Annie said...

Good Monday afternoon Lightning Bug.

Heh-heh...
on the eating/diet...Thank goodness that's at least 20 - 30 years away. Hopefully. shudder.

on the uh, clap-scratch-wince. How do you know this by the way ?

Commercials that don't make sense still sell cars. What does this say about the audience ? Go figure.
But at first, you DO buy into it.

I loved your idea of the jewish devil. snicker. My parents would be horrified - because it's so true :)

Nice bonsai elm. New breeed ? :) ?

Yeah, clearly today's watches are inadequate :)

Loving Annie

qofd said...

...and a Hindu devil could be a waiter that brings you nothing but steak.

dalia said...

laughed my ass off again! this blog is my new addiction.

brills!

Sassy Blondie said...

LBB-

I think that age you are referring to starts sooner than any of us would like!

Not ever having had an STD, I have no idea why anyone would try to give it a euphemism that applauds it.

I hate that Toyota commercial too...but it is kinda clever. The one where the kayaker parks at low tide is another silly one..

No comment on the Jewish devil or the designer impostor bonsai.

Renting a lil too much there, eh?

Fascinating about farting in a vacuum. How do you come up with these things?

I never have used a digital watch unless it was a stopwatch. It makes people lazy, and there's no excuse for making your children dumb and unable to tell time.

Stepping Over the Junk said...

is this where you mind goes when you are at work each day? The hooker one, well, I guess if one is in the business of renting stuff...

Preposterous Ponderings said...

That's why Depends were invented.

So people with poop troubles could eat whatever they wanted to and not have to worry about staining their underwear.

Then again you could always climb up to the top of that bonsai tree of yours and pretend to be a really large bird and just let your bowels go on people below.

Superstar said...

Let me see, you covered Poop....

Pee...

Cars...

Yep, i am in the right place!!!


So how much is the studio w/ the Big a$$ bonzio tree????

Kelly said...

If you broke wind in a perfectly air-tight room, would your ears pop?

no, but your ass would and that is all that counts.

he he he

booty poppin. heh

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

What...you don't have dragons doing that kind of shit in your neck of the woods? ;)

Peter said...

Hey man, that's really cool that you have the biggest Bonsai tree in the world, I would so like to have that.

Doug said...

Certainly TMI, but too much grape Kool-Aid makes kids poo green.

Oh great One said...

If I had to lose my rented apt and my girlfriend was a hooker I'd dump the girlfriend because she wasn't doing a good enough job to help me out with rent!

Mo said...

I love a good Jew joke.

Beth said...

Matt works for Toyota and the first time I saw that commerical I turned to him and said, "what the hell?" like he created it. :)

Love the Jewish devil one! LMAO!!!

ADW said...

What? Just because you don't go off roading into Scottish lochs, that doesn't mean that the rest of us don't. I also take my trucks up the sides of pyramids, on searches for Atlantis and crevasse hopping in Antarctica. Those Toyotas sure are sturdy.

~gkw said...

Did it hurt when you punched yourself in the face...?? Just being a concerned reader!

I want you to know what an educational blog you have here. I got to learn about "the clap", how to make rent by pimping out your hooker girlfriend, and what the jewish devil looks like. Wow!!!

Bella said...

haha. Thanks for the good laugh this morning!

Enemy of the Republic said...

Having never had the clap, I failed to consider the why of the term. As usual, you make sense.

Satan exists in Job, but I also hear that there is no devil per se in Judaism, just fallen angels. Need to check that one.

Macoosh said...

i think the jewish devil is my favorite bulletin of the day.

yet another great post!

i just wrote about your blog on my own and put up a link for ya. you've got a great thing going here. :)

Susan as herself said...

I believe the Jewish devil looks like a ham.

Hammer said...

commercials are dumb and so are most people. Sometimes I need to punch myself in the face after watching them too.

Palm Springs Savant said...

I think we should set up a test experiment with the airtight room and have multiple guys breaking wind at the same time. Would all their ears pop simultaneously? Both ears or just one?

snowelf said...

When I buy my new car I am totally asking about mythological beasts!

--snow

Scottsdale Girl said...

so is it a Bonsai tree or an elm?

I am befuddled.

The Sports Mama said...

I particularly like the truck commercial where he's about to drive off the edge, but then stops. How many takes do you think that shot took, and how many trucks are at the bottom of that ravine?

Samantha_K said...

I found out my girlfriend was a hooker once. Wow. Really put a damper on the whole evening...
Oh wait, no. That was Pretty Woman. Sorry...

CP said...

"What about Judaism? What's a Jewish devil like? I'll bet he's a big, tall, blond haired, blue eyed sales clerk who stands behind a divine register and forces evil souls to pay retail for discounted items."

As one of the chosen people, I can assure you any WASP that demands we pay retail is more hellacious than Satan anyday. Ugh, and she would obviously be wearing polyester pants and *shudders* comfortable shoes.

~Fathairybastard~ said...

I hear ya on the Toyota commercial. I thought the one where the guys girlfriend pushed his truck off the cliff was more plausable. I mean, who hasn't known a vindictive cunt like that?

SHADOW said...

"I dread reaching the age when I must consider how the quality of my diet affects the quality of my stool."

A prune with every meal solves that problem!

Oh and I completely missed that Honest John post. What a douche! But equally entertaining.

Chunks said...

Your ears won't pop, but your eyes might water!!

Try beets sauteed in butter for a good laugh! The morning after, you will pee a purplish pee and then you will almost have a heart attack thinking you're in renal failure! Then, when you finally pass the beets, you will think you have rectal bleeding. It's a hoot! Especially when you can't remember what you ate yesterday...ahhhh old age!

jali said...

"... I'll bet he's a big, tall, blond haired, blue eyed sales clerk who stands behind a divine register and forces evil souls to pay retail for discounted items." - that was the funniest line! I called my girlfriend, who knows about these things, to ask her if this is so - she was tickled too.

Jack K. said...

How about the Camry commercial where the guy is talking to his wife when "Chantal" the sexy voice on his navigation system tells him to turn left for the hotel?

I don't think it would work any better if the voice was "Frank". snerx.

Violet said...

dave and i were just commenting on those commericials the other day. have you seen the one (i think it is part of the same series) where the truck is driving, stopping, and then accelerating again to avoid some gi-normous newtonian pendulum thing? too weird. who is going to do that in real life?

IDigHootchAndCootch said...

Ha! The first bullet point was classic.

Also, what was up with the dickhead in the previous post?

Franki said...

I'm already at the age that I know a couple of cups of coffee will very, very quickly end a back up. I kinda like having a solve though.

BottleBlonde said...

You are a big ball of wit, LBB. I'm going to name my next toot (fart) after you. ;-)

Dave Morris said...

If one's girlfriend were a hooker, one would probably not have trouble paying rent in the first place.

Regarding farting in an air-tight room, it would be a worthy experiment if you could afford that much duct tape.

Memphis Steve said...

Actually, the Jewish devil and the Christian devil are the same devil - Hillary Clinton. I think the Muslim devil is different, though. I believe they fear Sarah Silverman. Interestingly enough, the communist Chinese have taken to actually worshipping Hillary Clinton. What's up with that?

Spinning Girl said...

Worse than that truck ad is the HUmmer commercial with the Godzilla. I'm still reeling!

The Thinking Man's Babe said...

You need to think about writing for a medium beyond this blog - broader public consumption...great stuff! If you want ideas, lemme know...

Midas said...

LOL. I find your bulletins funny. I actually missed it when you said you're not going to do it anymore...but I am glad you put it back. :)

Breazy said...

Hey ! I could have sworn that I linked you already but you just aren't showing up in my blog roll so I will do it again.

Thanks for the kind words regarding my surgery and just so you know...I plan on blogging my butt off as much as possible while I am on medical leave, well as soon as I can sit in the chair comfortable that is or maybe it is time I should treat myself to a laptop so I can play while recovering in bed..hmm.

you have a great weekend!

Honest John said...

Hilarious stuff...how do you come up with this? Incredible. You're a genius no doubt.

Damsel Underdressed said...

I see Honest John has made another appearance. Are you sure he isn't your "other" personality, Bug? Just kidding.

Is it even possible to break wind in an airtight room?

Junebugg said...

"If you broke wind in a perfectly air-tight room, would your ears pop?"

Such a deep thought for such a shallow mind. I'll do research and let you know the answer

Weary Hag said...

I have reached that golden age. Not s'golden. Seriously.

MONA said...

Okay? will this come out okay? color wise or consistency wise???

Clap... that sounds like a thunder or a disease... whatever...

You are right, no offense, but American commercials are the worst I have seen! Indian commercials are supposed to be the best in the whole world!

Not only religions , but every individual has a version of a devil. Mine was my Maths teacher from school!

Yay! biggest bonsai. That is UNIQUE achievement indeed!

Yeah, it would suck.. suck with no fuck.. coz you wont have money to pay the GF

Who needs hourglass when we have minutes hands!

Little Wing said...

Thanks for the laughs Lightening, I needed them!!!
I still have the cyber stalkers, but am posting comments again and trying to move past all of this.

Raggedy said...

Fantastic post!
Thanks.
Have a wonderful day!
*^_^
(=':'=) hugs
(")_ (")Š from
the Cool Raggedy one

mcBlogger said...

I have nothing whitty to say, but you just gave me the best giggle of the day.

NWJR said...

"Also, it turns out your girlfriend is a hooker."

I hate it when that happens.

jillie said...

Ok...I'm thinking, I am already at that stage of my life where my life is affected by my diet. But for now it's only the bladder. Go with me into ANY freakin store and I can tell you where all the bathrooms are...LMAO

A Jewish devil. Now there's an interesting Halloween costume. I wonder what color he would be?

What about the dog? Is he rented too?