10/17/2007

Move over, Voltaire.

Dearest readers, I'm delighted to introduce a new visitor, "Honest John." John fancies himself a literary critic and an accomplished humorist. He was generous enough to draft a critique on my latest post (scroll down). Lest his critique go unnoticed, it makes an encore appearance here. I must say, I've never read its equal.

I hope I'm not being too bold, but I've presumed to interject my own commentary within John's critique (my commentary is parenthesized in colored font). I I hope this adds to your enjoyment of Honest John's critique. Of course, I risk direct comparison between my own writing and that of a Great Master. I'll take that risk. Without further delay, here's Honest John's critique:



Call me cranky but your humor is at best a third grade level (likewise with your critique, the difference being that I'm trying to be juvenile). I understand coming up with clever blog posts on a regular basis can be tough (you're proof of that, John), but if this is the best you can do, I would suggest gardening or oil painting (or, how about perusing blogs and leaving angry, envy-fueled, dim-witted comments?). Normally I sign my comments proudly but I am not a comment whore commenting only to get others to come comment on my own blog (which regretfully remains hidden or nonexistent, much like your sex life). No, I see with 62 people praising an obviously second rate production (Production? It's a post, not a screenplay), my opinion is not going to be popular (or informed). But it's honest(-ly an expression of jealousy; those who can't do, criticize). The tube idea is stupid (like most drive-by critics). Even if it is read as comedy, it's stupid. The roadside memorials have been a tradition in Europe since the invention of the wheel (Europeans invented the wheel? How many vehicular homicides occurred in 50,000 BC?). I suppose cemeteries are a waste of real estate too huh? (Indeed yes, much as your existence is a waste of ejaculate). I know...you are trying to be funny, but it's too labored. And it's not funny. Who invented skis and hang gliding? (Maybe it was the same European caveman you claim invented the wheel!) Who cares and how funny can it be? Not funny. Stupid indeed but not funny. Sex toy factories are run by porn stars who cast their own genitals for rubber dongs and pocket pussies (I'm beginning to understand your non-existent sex life, John). No need for an entire scenario on cubicles and bosses demanding more girth. It's Ron Jeremy blowing himself in an office. No humor...just pornography immortalized in latex (Ah, I had a suspicion you were gay. Thank you for removing any doubt.). I understand the notion of "if you don't like it, then why are you here?" but I assure you, a return trip is not in the cards (I'll bet you hear that a lot from women). I just read on and on in this unending drivel of a post hoping for something of comedic value...anything. But it ended with nothing (It ended with a whiz-bang joke about Chinese and gay people. If you don't think that's funny, then there's no pleasing you! Wait a minute. You're not a gay Chinese fella, are you? That would explain a lot!). Then the comments praising it and women actually "peeing their panties" forced me to say something (You're into peeing women forcing you to do stuff? Freak!). I'm happy for you that so many readers have chosen your mess (sorry, the cleaning lady's on vacation) to promote their own equally lame blogs (you mean equally brilliant, I'm sure). It's a nice circle of wasted bandwidth. Too bad even your template/theme is completely lacking in creativity. Zero entertainment value equals blog failure (sounds like experience talking). Enjoy your pretend fame (and you, John, enjoy your pretend penis). These readers only want others to come read their own disasters (and LBB is glad to oblige; their blogs are charming!). Hope you understand that (the author of comment #63, Honest John, is a half-witted douche bag who indulges in cowardly, drive-by criticism and lacks the courage to leave a link to his steaming pile of blogshit).

My dear readers: please feel free to leave a comment sharing with Honest John how much you enjoyed his critique. I look forward to reading them all!

88 comments:

Call me Maniac. said...

I somehow liked the "peeing in the panties" comment, too!

"These readers only want others to come read their own disasters" Hmm... I thought this was true?? LOL! (So, um, everyone, COME READ MINE!)

Preposterous Ponderings said...

John can bite the big one!

Heather said...

Geez. You and I have been reading each other for over three years. I've never once left a comment in the hopes that it would bring traffic.

I don't understand why he felt the need to be such a douche bag.

Don't worry, darlin'! We still love you.

BottleBlonde said...

John is just mad 'cause he didn't get poked in the ass by his 'big daddy' last night.

LBB, I'm one of your groupies, so keep doing what you do!

Little Wing said...

Hey Honest John, I actually left that comment that LBB made me pee my panties.
When you can say that you actually made a lady pee her panties, actually get her to admit it, you can put yourself in the league of comedian that LBB is in.

PlatinumGirl said...

I don't understand this at all. The bit about the roadside memorial alone was enough to cause me to do a spit-take. I thought it was so funny I sent an e-mail to a friend of mine who's vacationing in Italy for 3 weeks and she told me she thought she was going to get thrown out of some Italian internet cafe, she was laughing so loud!

Honest Jon is a flatliner.

CaCaBoy said...

H.J. is obviously suffering from a severe case of penis burn, caused I'm sure by his frequent bouts of jacking off sans a good lube. I bet he's from Minneapolis, and frequents men's rooms.....

Peter said...

The mere fact that "Honest John", a non-blogger, would dare to leave a critique like this unsigned heap of excrement on anyone else's blogsite just proves that he has not got the gumption or ability to write anything readable himself.
All the way with LLB... eerrr LBJ.

Midas said...

What a toad! If he reads your post and don't find them funny, then there's nothing to be done for this creature.

honest john ended up sounding like a mean, jealous, petulant child.

phishez_rule said...

I hate people like this. Seriously, if you don't like a blog, fuck off and don't come back. Its not that hard.

NWJR said...

Dear "Honest John":

Your insightful and touching commentary has moved me at the very depths of my soul. I haven't read such witty and biting literary criticism since Roger Ebert reviewed "Hot Fuzz".

I can only hope you will be willing to visit my blog and apply your deliciously poison pen to my own meager efforts (which you will probably delightfully refer to as "disasters"):

Visit Me Here.

I await your judgement with bated breath.

~gkw said...

LOL, I just come to your site because you and steve have the best chicks!!!

The guy is a jerk, but it was funny reading his post with your comments!

lfc said...

i love anonymous hater posters. they make life interesting.

Macoosh said...

tell honest john that i appreciate his comment greatly because, it allowed you to create this post which is, yet again, brilliant and entertaining.

thanks honest john! you're a real giver!

kissashark said...

I don't get why people who don't like a post feel the need to write a HUGE comment about how much they dislike it...just move on.

Like my hubs says if we wanted his opinion we'd squeeze his head!

jali said...

dishonest john,
Please come and check out my disaster. I love to be mocked by idiots!~

Franki said...

hate letters are the best. thanks hj, for providing more blog content. you read Hot!

random moments said...

Bravo!

I've said my piece about him, but as for you - it seems a little online attack has brought out the best in ya. ;)

Paul said...

I'm glad I'm no John.


(Link not given to help keep down unwanted traffic.)

Jeannie said...

Honest John has no sense of humour. And since no one asked for a review - who cares? Why do some people think every blogger is out to get famous?

jenn said...

Sheesh, doesn't this guy understand what an important service you are providing by bringing to light these issues and ideas that no one else will talk about?

Plus, you're damned funny!

Franki said...

Oh I do hope Honest John comes back for his own 15 minutes of fame. Seems unlikely he'll be able to resist!

Mo said...

What a cock.

You're awesome LBB. That's all there is to it.

Oh great One said...

It's so sad that the only way this guy can get attention is by bashing someone else. He has my pity.

Susan as herself said...

What I read between the lines in "Honest John's" blog comment is jealousy, plain and simple.

Sigh.

Sometimes people forget that reading blogs is a voluntary pastime, and like a buffet, you don't have to taste, swallow, and critique everything on the table.

Here's hoping Honest John takes an honest look at himself and moves on to blogs he likes.

:) Keep on writing LBB.

ZenDenizen said...

LBB, don't you just love when a blog writes itself like that?

qofd said...

John, John, John... looks like another inmate at Shady Acres Adult Care Center got loose again.

There is one thing that we can agree on. As a mortician-in-training I agree that cemeteries are most definitely not a waste of space. If people started coming to terms with their own mortality and stopped expressing their anxiety with death by having themselves rubberized, pumped full of chemicals, made-up, put on display and kept fresh forever I would have no future livelihoood.

Dan O. said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Dan O. said...

John, even though I know you said you wouldn't be reading this blog again, I think you're a fuckin' liar so here's a hint: Not everyone writes blogs as a competition to get the greatest number of readers or to make money (I don't see any ads here other than for a book). Or, now take a breath, to please YOU!

Not everyone with a blog even cares how many readers they get. And most of us don't go to or bother with commenting on blogs we don't like or don't agree with. You're just a sad pathetic, mommy(or daddy)- abused little Troll, who's never had any friends. Go figure.

Some of us do this for our own entertainment. And if anyone else reads at all, it's cool.

It's not the end of the world, or a blog, just because some feeble-minded, self righteous, socially retarded, ignorant little hemorrhoid who can't get anyone to pay attention unless he throws a hissy fit trolls in and leaves a remnant of what passes for his mind typed on the screen.

We'll read, counter-comment then forget you, George...uh Ringo..no, Paul...damn, JOHN yeah, that's it, John. Named after the commode were you? Figures!

Now, turn off the computer and lights and go to bed before mommy comes down to the basement to whack your pee-pee. Again.

Amandarama said...

Wow. That douche is like the guy who goes to comedy clubs and refuses to laugh at the comedians because he thinks he's above their humor. Why the fuck go in the first place? Because you were hoping for some "alternative" comedy? As Kevin Knox once said, what's the alternative to comedy?

That's ok, Mr. Honest John. Someday someone will wander across your waste of bandwidth Star Trek/Furry porn fan fiction site and spooge with glee over how witty and insightful your gags about getting Spock to skritch a Klingon dressed up in a bunny suit while Kirk watches. Oh wait. They probably won't.

The Sports Mama said...

Wait? We're not supposed to want people to come read our blogs?? I mean, if they come read mine, I go read theirs... its a nice happy circle of blog-life. :)

Do I NEED them to read mine? No.

Do I enjoy knowing someone has read it and left me a link to theirs, which often feels to me like they enjoyed mine enough to want to share theirs? Yes.

Which, coincidentally enough... is how I found yours! :)

(even if I'm not Hot Soup anymore. *sigh*)

Jon said...

The local Dungeons & Dragons game must've ended early this month because I'm having the same issues.

Sassy Blondie said...

Fascinating. I think everyone is allowed to their opinion, even if it's stupid. However, intelligent people (like those of us who read this smarty pants blog) tend to try to stay above the line with our critiques. Perhaps John could adhere to one rule that might subtract a modicum of frustration and anger from his otherwise tortured life: If you don't like what you read, move on to something you do. Leave the shits and giggles to us, Johnny boy!

XOXO LBB

Jenny! said...

Does John have a small weiner???

Beth said...

My blog is friggin boring that's why I come here! Honest John can honestly piss off. I find you HILARIOUS. Time to pull your chopstick out yer ass John

Jay said...

How can that even be serious?
His mom's basement must not have enough cat posters to keep him entertained.

JsTzznU said...

He's (HJ) isn't worth the time to tell him off!! damn.. some people!!

Love it LBB!! keep it up =) oh errrrr the writing too hehehehe

snowelf said...

Lbb, wtf is it any of his business what goes on in your blog anyway? I mean is poor HJ losing sleep at night stressing over the humor of your blog. Like what? This damn Ambien isn't working...if only Lbb's blog was FUNNIER! Then I could sleep!
I am proud to be one of your blog readers and adore reading your blog. It's one of my favorite corners of the internet.

take care,
--snow

mckay said...

ooo, ooo, my turn! let me try a put down comment!!

"hey, bug, your hulky hulk like arms are...are not wrapped around me...and your blog entries don't make me fantasize at all about you...much."

ha. that'll teach you.

*~*Cece*~* said...

Wow. John sounds like an ass.

Scottsdale Girl said...

I only comment here to drive traffic to my site...because I am a comment whore.

*major eye roll*

Honest John, go fuck your mother.

Love
RSP, comment whore extraordinaire!

Little Wing said...

Oh my god, I just realized Honest John and his comments were ALL about Me!
" women actually "peeing their panties" forced me to say something"
It wasn't your fault LBB, it was all MY fault!
I posted that comment!
Yes! It is all about ME!
I am a star!!!!!!!!!

MONA said...

wow! I LOVE LOVE LOVE this post

The one in the RED I mean!

what a Masala he has given you for this new unique post. You must actually thank the asshole!

I think he is one of those types who Thrives on the attention that he gets from other ppl. I think it is best that we do not provide them energy with our attention.

I think I actually KNOW who this guy is LBB. He has been there before...

Now coming to the real commenting: Reading your reds were a real pleasure. Red is the color this week as you have already seen it on my blog too. Thanks for your very sweet comment there. Please come again to my whorehouse...er... blog!

((((HUGS))) You are the sweetest & the most hilariously wonderful person in the whole blogland! & don't we all love you.

Seriousness is a disease. Laughter is something which is typical of just Mankind. Have you seen an animal laugh? Only HUMANS know how to laugh!

Fantastagirl said...

Honest John is a dumb-ass... I love reading your posts, and laugh all the time... I may not always comment, but I do read...I hope you continue to post, and if a person isn't willing to leave a real name/blog to back their comments, then they are as as my Grandpa would say - "worthless as tits on a boar."

Superstar said...

Dear LBB,
Thank you for your brilliant humor. As to it's level scholasticly, I would rate your post at a 6-8th grade level. This my dear bloggers is the AVERAGE writing and reading level that Americans are subject to. The newspaper is edited and written so that the masses may understand them. Sadly, your blog uses the latin and greek words most of us learn in our 7th and 8th grade level.

Now, lets move on to your logic, reason and ability to provide entertainment to 60+ other bloggers. I am a professional *ahem* writer and only average 10-15 comments.

I don't know about other bloggers, but fame is not the SOLE purpose of my writing.

So, LBB I applaude you for tellin "Honest John" where he can put it and hopefully the sun doesn't shine there either...

~waves and blows kisses~
Thank you again,
Best wishes
Bambi Superstar.

tornwordo said...

Thank god I'm not the only who who gets these "shit on your blog anonymous" comments. I love how he not only lambasts you but ALL your beloved commenters. Ah what a charmer.

I guess Honest John thinks he is the arbiter of what makes something funny or stupid. It's probably not all his fault though. I imagine those are the only two adjectives that would describe his penis.

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Speaking of peeing panties, I wouldn't piss on Honest John even if he were on fire.

'Nuff said. ;)

Video X said...

As usual, I love name calling...when the names are good...like douche bag.

Hehehe..."enjoy your pretend penis."

I love your writing and your humor. I just don't get to say much about anything anymore...insanity as normal for me.

And he's wrong about the panty peeing. I dont wear panties. And I read this blog.

Becky said...

What a jerk off! This is why I have my disclaimer on my blog, don't come and annoy me with your opinion. Then again maybe you're trying to be grammatically correct on your blog, but on mine it's just a big old sloppy mess.

Anonymous said...

John,

Just an fyi, I come to read this blog on a daily basis because of the smile it puts on my face. I don't, however, leave my blog link here because I don't care if someone reads it or not. I do, however enjoy the ENTERTAINMENT value of LBB's blog. It's not a manual on life, it's a good laugh in the morning. And maybe you should take a deep hard look at yourself in the mirror sometime so you too can experience a good laugh.

Anonymous said...

Lighten up man! Life's too short to piss in each other's cereal.

Leave the bug alone and go crawl back into the dark corner you came out of. If bug wants to type in the letter "a" 50,000 times I will still read it and think it's funny. (jerk)

Memphis Steve said...

What kind of dickless wonder wastes a good 10 minutes writing a load of envious shit just to trash on your blog like this? What could he possibly hope to accomplish here? He might as well have said "I'm jealous of all the babes you have laughing at your jokes and I wish I had the same", which is what I generally think to myself when I come here, but instead he went on and on, trying to convince himself, I guess.

I guess I prefer my emails from nudists asking me for advice on finding naked painters and such, even if they are a bit creepy.

Memphis Steve said...

Holy crap, I completely fell out of your blogroll! That's not a good sign. I'm slipping.

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Hey, I'm a little slow on the draw today (no doubt alcohol withdraw since I haven't had a drink in almost a week but I'll be fixing THAT this evening, you can bet your cute little lightning bug ass on that)...my blog is PRIVATE....so I don't expect anyone here to come and comment on my disaster...er...I mean, on my blog, dammit.

The Thinking Man's Babe said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
The Thinking Man's Babe said...

This John guy is just desperately unhappy, and he wants to make someone else unhappy right along with him. Stay happy LBB - I love your wit and insight! It's fun finding great blogs to surf every once in a while and I'm glad I found you.

Stepping Over the Junk said...

I think this is the guy I saw on the road today...TALK ABOUT ROAD RAGE! I am fearful for whoever he goes home to at night.

Call me Maniac. said...

How dumb can I be. I just discovered that H.J's was a real comment, not just something you made up. Honestly, I thought you were making it all up until I did "scroll down" and go through the rest of the comments. This, and that his remark is so out in left field, really makes me think he posted it only to get a rise out of you and your readership. Perhaps out of jealousy? Idiot.

jillie said...

Hey John...I think you are out numbered here. We come here for the entertainment and the ability of LBB to make us laugh.

I think he wishes he could be as talented as you.

Keep up the good work LBB

Loving Annie said...

Lightning Bug,
WOW. He was so jealous, it drove him crazy to read your blog. He couldn't stand the attention you were getting/get. What an evil, unhappy, FREAK.
Get a life. Go read someone else's blog if you aren't comofrtable with what you read here.
But to criticize and attack like that - just makes the author of comment #63 look really really bad.

p.s. I read you because you're smart and you make me laugh my head off. And I have a great blog -my mother says so :)

Chunks said...

If Honest John wants to read a "lame blog", he can come to mine. Then he can leave an ignorant-assed comment and then I can verbally cock-punch him for being such a dick!

He's probably writing his comments from his mom's basement. 'Tard.

Don't change, baby. We love you just the way you are.

Palm Springs Savant said...

honest john should go jump in a lake...

Appletini said...

Wow! Sounds like you touched a very sore nerve, lightning bug's butt :)

Honest John has issues that he should see a professional for :)

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Please advise Honest John that I'll be looking for his porn site.

Ari said...

It's clear: Hit-and-Run John is a wannabe porn star whose genitalia didn't meet the "criteria" for casting, and whose best bud undoubtedly perished in a highway crash after joining HJ for a nice long paint huff and joint exploration of pocket pooters.

His annual Wal-Mart craft department bill for styrofoam crosses and tawdry fake flowers used in smearing his grief on the driving world is doubtless in the thousands of dollars.

No, but seriously, Hit-and-Run John: if you want to tear someone down, leave your lily-livered name next time so that we can bask in your indomitable greatness (though I can't say I am sad that you have deprived us of this opportunity).

You, sir, only wish you could make as many people nearly asphyxiate as our man LBB has.

Ashley said...

Ahh...gotta love the people that are perfect! HAHA...I LOVE your blog! :-)

Melissa said...

Fantastic Blog

Jamie Dawn said...

Honest John obviously has not taken a chill pill in many moons.
He needs one desperately.
Blogging is supposed to be fun and friendly.
Why does he CARE who reads and enjoys your blog??
I hope he finds something in Blogdom that he enjoys reading so he can leave a nice comment.

Keep on, keepin' on, LBB, and stupid folks like me will continue chuckling like the blithering idiots we are.
And YES, Honest John, we DO like getting comments on our blogs, as well as leaving comments on other blogs. That's kind of the point of having the comment enabler turned on.

Princess Extraordinaire said...

This had me rolling.....your *commentary* was perfectly alligned to his anal retentive bullshit

Princess Extraordinaire said...

This had me rolling.....your *commentary* was perfectly alligned to his anal retentive bullshit

just me said...

what geek is scrounging blogs to critique?


that guy obviously lives alone in a trailer.

Vi vi vi vooom!!!!!!!! said...

Hi there, I see you read little wing. You may be interested on reading my latest post I've just dedicated to her.

Crazy Me said...

Sounds to me like someone needs a tequila shot.

Raggedy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Raggedy said...

Awesome post and I loved what you did with DISS Honest John.
We all Love LBB. I enjoy ALL of his wonderful posts.
John,
Sod off you dimmock you probably have a face like a bulldog licking piss off a nettle!
LBB,
Have a wonderful day!
*^_^
(=':'=) hugs
(")_ (")Š from
the Cool Raggedy one

Dave Morris said...

John needs to shave his knuckles.

Shirley said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Shirley said...

Seriously John?!?!?!?! Are you really that bitter????

Grow a little bit of an imagination and start using your sense of sarcasm. Then when you are done doing that, speand a little bit of time in the bathroom with some lotion and a tissue. You are a little too wound up and need a release, obviously you can't be creative or understand creativity so jerkin it in the bathroom may be your only option for lightening up.

Turnbaby said...

Well dayum I wanted a url to go and really have fun. You are gold with me sugar--flat out fucking funny. Oh my--and I was gonna try to stop cussing so much in your comments. Ooops;-)

~Fathairybastard~ said...

Oh hell, opinions are like assholes, and most assholes are full of opinions. Brush it off man. We love ya.

Violet said...

that's funny... i wish i had a heckler...

Violet said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Miss Cellania said...

I am SO jealous! I never get comments like that!

Elaine said...

I think someone's got a crush on you LBB!!!!

"Honest John and LB(B) sittin' in a tree...."

Memphis Steve said...

Holy crap, I feel back in again! This is an emotional rollercoaster here!

Weary Hag said...

I suppose Johnny's entitled to his own opinion. It'd be nice though, if he left it on his own blog. Isn't that one of the greatest bits about posting? Let it all hang out ... hell, he could even block comments if he was too afraid of feedback. John, if you're watching - do it baby. Getcherseff a bad ol' blog all yer own an' bitch 'bout da whole wide world. Just do it. Feels gooo-oo-ood.

~C~ said...

I just happened upon your blog & love this post! Your edits made it fantastic! I plan to return for another good laugh next time I'm driving by...... thanks for the good chuckle. :)

gusgreeper said...

that is seriously funny, that dude is WHACK your readers have only grown since the day i started reading here, and i almost never comment here and i am a comment whore. :) you rule buddy.