Dearest readers, I'm delighted to introduce a new visitor, "Honest John." John fancies himself a literary critic and an accomplished humorist. He was generous enough to draft a critique on my latest post (scroll down). Lest his critique go unnoticed, it makes an encore appearance here. I must say, I've never read its equal.
I hope I'm not being too bold, but I've presumed to interject my own commentary within John's critique (my commentary is parenthesized in colored font). I I hope this adds to your enjoyment of Honest John's critique. Of course, I risk direct comparison between my own writing and that of a Great Master. I'll take that risk. Without further delay, here's Honest John's critique:
Call me cranky but your humor is at best a third grade level (likewise with your critique, the difference being that I'm trying to be juvenile). I understand coming up with clever blog posts on a regular basis can be tough (you're proof of that, John), but if this is the best you can do, I would suggest gardening or oil painting (or, how about perusing blogs and leaving angry, envy-fueled, dim-witted comments?). Normally I sign my comments proudly but I am not a comment whore commenting only to get others to come comment on my own blog (which regretfully remains hidden or nonexistent, much like your sex life). No, I see with 62 people praising an obviously second rate production (Production? It's a post, not a screenplay), my opinion is not going to be popular (or informed). But it's honest(-ly an expression of jealousy; those who can't do, criticize). The tube idea is stupid (like most drive-by critics). Even if it is read as comedy, it's stupid. The roadside memorials have been a tradition in Europe since the invention of the wheel (Europeans invented the wheel? How many vehicular homicides occurred in 50,000 BC?). I suppose cemeteries are a waste of real estate too huh? (Indeed yes, much as your existence is a waste of ejaculate). I know...you are trying to be funny, but it's too labored. And it's not funny. Who invented skis and hang gliding? (Maybe it was the same European caveman you claim invented the wheel!) Who cares and how funny can it be? Not funny. Stupid indeed but not funny. Sex toy factories are run by porn stars who cast their own genitals for rubber dongs and pocket pussies (I'm beginning to understand your non-existent sex life, John). No need for an entire scenario on cubicles and bosses demanding more girth. It's Ron Jeremy blowing himself in an office. No humor...just pornography immortalized in latex (Ah, I had a suspicion you were gay. Thank you for removing any doubt.). I understand the notion of "if you don't like it, then why are you here?" but I assure you, a return trip is not in the cards (I'll bet you hear that a lot from women). I just read on and on in this unending drivel of a post hoping for something of comedic value...anything. But it ended with nothing (It ended with a whiz-bang joke about Chinese and gay people. If you don't think that's funny, then there's no pleasing you! Wait a minute. You're not a gay Chinese fella, are you? That would explain a lot!). Then the comments praising it and women actually "peeing their panties" forced me to say something (You're into peeing women forcing you to do stuff? Freak!). I'm happy for you that so many readers have chosen your mess (sorry, the cleaning lady's on vacation) to promote their own equally lame blogs (you mean equally brilliant, I'm sure). It's a nice circle of wasted bandwidth. Too bad even your template/theme is completely lacking in creativity. Zero entertainment value equals blog failure (sounds like experience talking). Enjoy your pretend fame (and you, John, enjoy your pretend penis). These readers only want others to come read their own disasters (and LBB is glad to oblige; their blogs are charming!). Hope you understand that (the author of comment #63, Honest John, is a half-witted douche bag who indulges in cowardly, drive-by criticism and lacks the courage to leave a link to his steaming pile of blogshit).
My dear readers: please feel free to leave a comment sharing with Honest John how much you enjoyed his critique. I look forward to reading them all!