10/01/2007

An Ode to the Donut

Today's chautauqua is about nature's perfect food, the donut.

The first evidence of my food obsession manifested early in my childhood, on Sundays, when my parents brought home a box of Dunkin’ Donuts. The sight of that pink, orange and white box would send my heart aflutter. I had an instantaneous, visceral reaction to the sight of Dunkin’ Donuts. I couldn’t think straight. I went into conniptions. Each second from the time I saw that magic box float through the doorway until I held the first donut in my hand was an eon. All I could think of was the heavenly mixture of pillow-soft dough and sweet icing. Hurry up, Mom. Let’s eat!

A family of four, we would each get 3 donut. I always got a chocolate long john, a vanilla long john and a glazed donut. Chocolate was my favorite and I often considered getting 3 chocolate donuts. But variety heightens the experience. Nothing complements a chocolate donut like a vanilla donut. Ebony and Ivory.

I was always the first to finish my donuts. My parents would advise me to eat them slowly so that I could enjoy them. What brought me the most joy, however, was inhaling them at the speed of sound. I’m not a man of moderation. And this prompted a bone of contention with my folks. I mentioned earlier that we each got 3 donuts. However, my parents never let me eat all 3 donut at Sunday breakfast. We had to “save one for later.” Eating 3 donut at once was gluttony, according to my folks. Well Mom, that’s when you know you’re doing it right: when you’re overdoing it. Sometimes, in order to do something right, you have to do it wrong. Eating donuts is a choice example. Donuts and temperance don’t mix, much like dagos and bathwater.

Yeah, Mom. I’ll save that 3rd donut for later. Don’t want to overdo it. While I’m at it, I think I’ll swear off premarital sex and late-night TV. Say, do you have a Bible I can read? This Playboy magazine is nothing but filth! (I often apply sarcasm like a salve to sooth angry memories from my childhood).

People often poke fun at donut-lovers. Police shoulder the reputation as slothful donut eaters. The popular situational comedy, The Simpsons, depicts Homer as a dimwitted donut hound. These stereotypes lack merit. I resent those who perpetuate them. The truth is, donut-lovers boast the loftiest intellects of the species. Show me somebody who hates donuts and I’ll show you a cretin or a communist.

There’s no such thing as a bad doughnut. Some are better than others, but all are good. Much like the adage, A bad day fishing is better than a great day at work; The worst donut is better than the best bagel. This is why I hold bagels in contempt. Every bagel could have been, should have been, a donut. Sometimes at work I’ll catch a glimpse of rounded pastries with holes in their middles. My heart skips a beat. Oh, man! Donuts! Then I’ll elbow punch a coworker or two out of my way and dart for the donuts. Ah, crap! They’re just bagels! Sorry about hip-checking you into the drywall, Chet. Let me help you find your crutches. How’s the artificial hip coming along, anyway?

When I was young, I would invert donuts so that the frosted top would come into contact with my tongue upon entry. Now that I’m mature and distinguished, I eat them in the orthodox position – that is, with the frosting side up. I still do a little dance after each bite, though. I’m no snob. Also, I’ve mastered the art of drinking milk at such a rate as to finish simultaneously with the last bite of donut. This takes great concentration and skill. It’s worth the effort.

Here’s a donut-related memory that perplexes me to this day. When I was nine, I slept over at my friend Ron’s house. The following morning, my friend’s parents served – jackpot, baby – Dunkin’ Donuts for breakfast. I started pounding down donuts faster than that Japanese dude eats hotdogs on the 4th of July. Anyway, Ron’s little brother was eating a bowl of Froot Loops. Why he wasn’t knee-deep in the donuts escaped me. Anyway, the little bastard finishes the cereal. So the father asks the little brother, “Alright, what do you want: a donut, or more cereal?” I remember thinking to myself, that’s the dumbest goddamn question I’ve ever heard an adult ask a kid. Of course he wants a donut. So the little brother kicks things around for a bit, weighs his options. Meanwhile I’m ready to spontaneously combust with suspense. Can this little prick possibly pass on a no-strings-attached donut – for a bowl of effing cereal? Finally, he tells the old man, “I’ll take some more Froot Loops.” If his old man had any sense, he would have kicked the crap out of him right there. But he didn’t. Instead he filled his bowl. I can’t hate Ron’s old man for that, though. The guy let me eat donuts until my heart’s content. I must have eaten 4 or 5. That shit NEVER would have flown at my house. Still, what a maladjusted kid. Obviously he exhibited the precursors of psychopathology. I’ll bet that today he’s in jail for some awful crime, or else a Democrat.

More and more donut stories are bombarding my mind even as I type. I don’t think I have time to recount the evening I drove to Dunkin’ Donuts, pulled to the drive-thru and heard some wiseass store manager tell me, “I don’t have any donuts to sell you.” What, are you flipping burgers back there, lard ass? You work in a fucking donut shop! Something about his employees calling in sick or something. Anyway, eff him!

Cheers to the donut, nature’s perfect food.

66 comments:

Casdok said...

I disagree! It has to be cheese!

IDigHootchAndCootch said...

the combination of a chocolate donut and a glass of cold milk is nearly impossible to top.

Kelly said...

my mouth is salivating.


casdok is crazy.


I use to live near a donut shop. You could smell them from my apartment. I got HUGE that year...

NWJR said...

Mmmmmm...donuts.

Donuts probably played a role in making me the man I am today...fat and arthritic. But what a way to go!

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Believe it or not (and I swear this is true), I actually waitressed (if you want to call slinging donuts "waitressing") for a few months when I was just out of school. I got to where just the SMEELL of donuts would turn my stomach. You probably would've LOVED to smell me though....I'd come home from work with that donut smell literally oozing out my pores. Even in my hair had that donut smell...along with some powdered sugar, no doubt.

It's been YEARS AND YEARS since then and donuts not longer make me ill...I love 'em.

P.S. Chocolate Long Johns and Boston Creams ROCK. Yum!

Becky said...

Ironic, I've been seriously considering purchasing a deep fryer for my house just so I can make doughnuts, funnel cakes, all all those very unhealthy and awesome fried snacks!

ADW said...

Oh, Boston Cream. With the chocolate frosting. Oh. Oh oh ohhhhhhhhh. Mmmmm.

Bella said...

Just give me a plain ol' glazed Krispy Kreme any day...

Stepping Over the Junk said...

I can always go for a Dunkin Donuts, but here in New England, I know of the closest 6 independent donut shops that make donuts the real way...no hole, and cooked in pork fat. I kid you not. The best thing in the whole wide world. It will kill you, but you will go out very very happy.

Franki said...

Geez, your parents really fuckt you up.

Susan as herself said...

My town did not have a Dunkin' Donuts, so I never even SAW one of those until college. Instead we had a family owned joint called Donut Hut. The donuts were homemade by the wife of that family, and man, they were good.

But not as good as my grandmother's, who only made the old fashioned, brown, plain kind in her own little home deep fryer. They they would cool on paper towels while me and my brother drooled.

To this day, plain, brown, old fashioned donuts are my favorite. What can I say? I am a simple woman.

Maniac said...

There's a drive-through donut place where I live. It used to be a bank. The bullet proof windows are still installed.

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

That post is really a love story.

Personally I love a well made doughnut, but I avoid them like a plague - because I love having a healthy cholesterol level and not having diabetes more.

On the occasion when I do have one - I savor every single morsel. With skim milk, of course.

Preposterous Ponderings said...

I must be one of the rare few that DO NOT like donuts.

I don't know what it is about them but I have just never been able to hack 'em.

Good thing I suppose or I'd weigh 500 lbs.

jillie said...

Are you sure you're not Homer Simpson? Mmmm...donuts!!

Not a fan of the donuts. As a kid I was and it was the jelly donut for me!

;o)

Midas said...

I have fond memories of Dunkin Donuts. Considering they are either a 3-day boat ride or an hour plane ride away when I was little...I absolutely love it.

I love it because I couldn't have it. When I moved to the states in 92, my skin would literally crawl if I consume more than 1. I still love donut, but my body won't let me have more than one. It might be a good thing or i'll be fatter than I am now!

SQT said...

The Crispy Creme in my town went out of business. Can you believe that? I went over there on a late night run to get some glazed goodness and it was shut down!

I need a cruller.

Oh great One said...

Your post reminds me of the stories my husband tells of his childhood. With a bunch of brothers they divvied out the donuts by age. The older you were the more you got. The younger ones would gorge themselves just so the older brothers wouldn't swoop in and steal theirs.

Hammer said...

long johns were my favorite despite the double entendres regarding the name.

Of course I couldn't go around asking for the chocolate one with the thick cream inside.

Macoosh said...

i just came here via the queen of dysfunction's blog and i'm glad i did; this was a great ode to donuts!

i was just thinking the other day about how my dad used to get up every sunday and go get donuts for us all. i'd come downstairs and see the box on the counter and it would be a happy day. maybe i'll do that one of these days and see if people are in a better mood.

of course, my family is mostly all on a health kick, so they'll probably sit there and i'll be the only one to eat them.

...all the more reason! haha.

Mo said...

Did you try the Simpsons donuts at 7-11 this summer? They were delicious.

Sports Mama Tracy said...

What? You mean donuts aren't one of the basic food groups?? :)

Sassy Blondie said...

I allow myself only one donut when someone brings them to my office. And it MUST be the chocolate one. It never fails that some parent or one of our sweet office ladies brings in like 3 dozen donuts. Of course, they all smile coyly and say that they can't eat them, yet by noon, I pass by the table in our workroom and there is only a half of a donut left. BTW who the hell cuts a fucking donut in half? Just eat the whole thing, dumbass!

Oh..sorry. Yes, I love donuts too...

Crazy Me said...

MMMMMMMMMMMM.... you made me hungry.

Chick said...

OK, you feel about donuts the way I feel about chocolate.

Scottsdale Girl said...

Never been a huge sweets eater, gimmme a loaf of crusty bread and some brie and I am your slave.

Just a Girl said...

You're my hero.

Chocolate on the top...custard filled...and warm. With a cold glass of milk.

Superstar said...

LOL ;)
Cryspy creams was the closest I ever came to donut being my "crack". They would waff the smell into your car or worse if you walked in...~handed free HOT donut~
OH GAWD
my mouth is watering...I could feel the texture of the cryspy cream MELT in my mouth, with every bit. *sigh*

Yeah.

Otherwise, I can leave them. I don't crave them as I do chocolate or Ice Cream. Funny.
~shrugs shoulders~

Little Wing said...

Oh god I would kill for a dunkin donut right now.
How can you be so cruel. How.

jay bee said...

of course, being canadian, my donut lust goes to tim horton's, god of the honey-dip, chocolate glazed, hawaiian, cruller and sour cream glazed.

krispy kremes are to tim horton's what kid rock is to tommy lee: sloppy seconds.

all hail the donut. just reading your post made me think of the way my teeth (literally) sing when i bite into a vanilla glaze...

oh, the cavities...

mckay said...

"cretin or a communist" HA! loved it.

krispy kremes are better than sex. i say that because i'm not getting any sex.

Heidi said...

Found you through Heather at Blog, Blah, Blah... this post is hilarious!!! My husband is going to love reading this!

Thanks for letting me stop by!

Jamie Dawn said...

I love donuts too! I can't remember the last time I ate one, though. I avoid them solely because they are fattening. Otherwise, I would eat four a day.

Cereal over donuts????
That kid was a moron and probably still is.

Miss Cellania said...

Dunkin Donuts has nothin' on Krispy Kremes. Even when they are two days old, you can just fry them in butter and wallow in caloric ecstacy.

tornwordo said...

You should move to quebec. We've got more donut shops per capita than any place on earth. No lie. It's weird though, the Dunkin Donuts here serves lunch, like sandwiches and soup and stuff. But it's cool because every combo includes a donut. Imagine how many more Combos Mickey D's would sell if they included a donut.

Beth said...

LOL! What a great post! And now I want donuts instead of these lame pop-tarts I'm eating. I love buttermilk donuts. And drooling on my keyboard isn't very attractive right now

Elaine said...

Like everyone here..I want a donut.

Oh wait..there's a few who say they don't like donuts?!?!?!?

They probably kick puppies in their spare time as well.

Damn it. now I gotta go get a donut.

Jeannie said...

I loved donuts as a kid - and beyond - but Mom rarely EVER bought them and if she did, there was never a choice - just honey glazed. :(

I rarely eat donuts now. They are usually so full of chemicals that I get indigestion plus the fact that they contain wheat makes them painful. I still like the flavour though. Getting old sucks.

Jahooni said...

Found your Blog.... great title, had to wonder around. You're funny. But I hate donuts. Sorry folks.

Loving Annie said...

Good Wednesday evening to you, Rich !

Ah, the joys of three Krispy Kreme glazed donuts eaten at lightning speed !!!

ohhhhh yeah.... Better than health food any day.
Diabetes anyone ? :) ?

Talk dirty to me, darlin... about a raspberry jelly filled center...

Loving Annie

qofd said...

You know, I've been born and raised in California. A state where tofu is considered a legitimate alternative to meat.

So when I read that your parents let you eat three doughnuts I very nearly went into sympathetic cardiac arrest.

Little Wing said...

a friend of mine, well her 5 year old son said, "I bet it hurts to have a cavity filled, don'it?"
His 3 year old brother answered, "oh donits, I love donits".......

just me said...

donuts are my favorite food.


The only reason I could get my ass to church without bursting into tears as a child was the fact that as soon as mass was over, there'd be motherfucking DONUTS.

CP said...

"The worst donut is better than the best bagel."

No. Just no. As a Jew, I take that comment with great disdain. There is nothing better than a Sunday morning bagel with a Schmear!

Of course, the bagel comes from Dunkin'Donuts and you have to pick up a dozen...you know, since you're already there and shit.

CP.

Ian said...

Doughnuts are for Bumblers

BZZZZZZZZZ

Damsel Underdressed said...

"Show me somebody who hates donuts and I’ll show you a cretin or a communist." Hahahahaha! That's great! Words to live by.

Paul said...

I share your passion, but I have no self-control. If I buy one, I eat one. If I buy a dozen, I eat a dozen.

They're nothing but fat pills.

ZenDenizen said...

Fruit Loops have to be way more toxic than any donut.

Appletini said...

Donuts are delish, but deadly.... I grew up with WInchells Donuts (Dnnkin who?):)

And btw,the world would be a better place if female Democrats ruled it ;)

Chunks said...

I have to agree with the Tim Horton's Fans that Timmy knows donuts. There's nothing like a maple glazed or even an old-fashioned cake donut. One time in the drive thru, I couldn't recall the words "Old-fashioned" and said "Classic" instead. The drive thru chick says "You want a PLASTIC donut?!" It still makes me laugh.

You're a man after my own heart, you donut/Baker Boys cinnamon twist eatin' mofo! Great post!

jillie said...

I just realized another name we called them "drunken donuts" that's after bar time...LOL

;o)

Enemy of the Republic said...

This is a fine ode to the donut.

When I was out of high school and refusing to go to college, I worked at Dunkin Donuts, getting up at the crack of dawn to make the donuts. I'm glad you enjoyed them, but I cannot share the recipe. Personally, it took me years to reenter a DD place, and still I only buy coffee. That job ruined my love relationship with the big D.

What is your take on Krispy Cremes?

the108 said...

I know why you like the doughnut so much. Pervert.

random moments said...

Around the age that I could have fallen head over heels for donuts, my parents were being all responsible by only bringing donuts home once in a blue moon. And even then, my mother would say loudly "I'll have just one. These things are filled with fat and sugar." I would tuck my head and mimic my mother, taking just one.

Later in junior high, our cheerleading sponsor would order donuts before early practice, but only allow us to eat one, as it supposedly took nearly three days to burn off.

To this day I avoid donuts. But, on the very rare occasion I'm in a donut shop, I must order the most ridiculous, sugar laden one of all - the chocolate eclair, stuffed and spilling of cream, topped with ooey gooey delicious chocolate.

Not sure if that's healthier a relationship with donuts than yours.

Rach said...

Aaaaaagh, doughnuts and hot chocolate with cream, oh shit I just came!

Violet said...

i'm with cp - a bagel with a thick coating of cream cheese is like heaven.

i like doughnuts, too... but, they are much harder to rationalize. i usually get strawberry jelly doughnuts. at least then i can say that they have a serving of fruit, right?

The Thinking Man's Babe said...

Found you Loving Annie's website...first, your comment there: you pretty much summed up what women are looking for in a man. That said, my grandmother had a homemade donut recipe to die for...came all the way from the Ukraine. But no frosting, just plain deep fried dough smother in sugar...Here's to savoring life.

Cynic with Flair said...

Fried dough - it doesn't get better than that. I love Dunkin' Donuts and Krispy Kreme. In high school, we'd go to Dunkin' and I would get: chocolate, blueberry, and a cruller! Yes, my man, a cruller, I fucking love them. Dip a cruller in coffee, and then you've got yourself something.

I love that you wax poetic about donuts. Except for the Democrat comment, I'm with you all the way.

Lyvvie said...

Honey dipped and the Boston creme pie falvoured ones and I was set for the sugar high of the morning. Bavarians for afternoon, with a blueberry cake/donut and after dinner, nothing beats a plain donut bitten, held in the mouth and then absorbed in coffee before swallowing.

fucking homesick again. You bastard.

Macoosh said...

by the way, i went out and got donuts the very next day...after reading this. and i thank you. :)

Ari said...

As I was shoveling down too many chocolate chip cookies with milk just now while reading this at 1:00 a.m. (you can see how the moderation rule was instilled in me too), the use of the name Chet alongside hip checking caused me to choke up laughing and damn near shoot milk out my nose.

Why not post a series of donut tales??? Inquiring minds want to know!

Palm Springs Savant said...

I like donuts a lot but they give me heartburn, so don;t eat them as often as I'd like to

MONA said...

AH!!!

BLIMEY! WHERE HAVE I BEEN WHEN I HAVE NOT BEEN!!!!

And Albiet late, I can see that patience has its own reward & I have one of my most favouritest subjects prominently placed here!

Of Course it is perfect! To all the senses Visionary olfactory or tastewise!

I understand Your viceral reactions perfectly well!

& those !@#$%^ commandments do torture you sometime! I would have told my parents that if they wanted me to save one for later they would have to get me four.

Woe to Simpson's depiction of homer as dimwitted donut hound. It must have been made by some nitwit numbskull noodle!

Yeah! There is no such thing as a bad donut. only ..all donuts are equally good but some are more equal than the others!

What an artful expression of donut relishing technique! & although missionary..er... orthodox position
is okay, you can indeed turn them over in your mouth!& that milk & donut march past must have needed quite a bit of practice I am sure.

Froot loops! Hmmm.. I guess we can let them pass. I bet the poor guy thought that they were mini donuts & was imagining that he was getting fifty of them at a go!

YAYY! CLAP CLAP! A standing ovation to the Ode to Donut!

CruiserMel said...

Let me get this straight: if that little boy is probably a Democrat, does that mean Republicans are the only ones who have conniptions?




Admittedly, I just wanted to use the word "conniptions" because I don't believe I've ever seen it in written form. Or even spoken form - since maybe 2nd grade.

Dave Morris said...

I love the donut because it's not picky about how its name is spelled. Doughnut, donut, doughnuteaux. It's all good.

Plus, I loved the way you left it "donut" even though it was plural. It's another freedom you can enjoy with the little-respect-needed, magical, loopy food.

~Fathairybastard~ said...

Man, goin' to a Dunkin' Donuts late, right when the new stuff it bein' put out. Pure sin.