10/11/2007

Six thoughts

On the Road Again

The latest trend in highway fatalities is to memorialize victims with makeshift grave sites near where they shoveled the corpse off the road. I hope I’m not being insensitive when I highlight how unfair this is to me. I’ll grant you I’m lucky enough to still be alive. Good point. But if I toss so much as a Big Mac wrapper out my car window, I’m shelling out 500 bucks for littering. Yet Dona Maria Louisa Concholla del Pedro can stack 17 Jesus candles, a chimenea and a freakin’ pinata on the I-8 shoulder with impunity. No fair.

Furthermore, those funeral sites unnerve me. They’re spooky. Sometimes, after I’ve had a few and I’m flying past them at 85 mph, I mistake them for an Indian grave site or a small taco stand. I drive up and order a carne asada plate. Next think I know, I’m staring at a picture of St. Peter in the flickering candlelight. Aye! Mi culpa. Dorma en paz, Carlito.

It doesn’t seem fair to me that people can litter our highways with trinkets. Where the hell is Greenpeace when you need them?


Tubular Idea

I’m fascinated with those pneumatic tube systems in office buildings. You know what I mean -- those containers you put documents in, clamp shut and dispatch to another cubicle. I wish they’d make a larger version for humans to ride. We could all have a port at our homes. Then we’d tube ourselves to work, the grocery store, the local bar, the STD clinic, places you anticipate going often.

I’d enjoy my commute to work. I’d hop in my tube with my laptop (naturally the tube system would have wi-fi, and a crapper). I’d dial in “WORK.” Then, ffff-thump…whoooosh. Wee! Off I go to work. I'd also like a GPS so I could watch myself noodle through the city. By the way, this infrastructure could revolutionize pizza delivery. Food delivery of any kind, really. A burrito would fit great in a pneumatic tube. So would a bottle of hooch.

Also, no more roadside grave sites as discussed above. Unless your tube pops open en route, you’re completely safe!

And also, instead of car dealerships, we’d have tube dealerships. Could you show me something in a convertible, my good man?

Subaru could change their name to “TUBE-ar-u.” Wouldn’t that be cute?


Pioneers

I wonder how some recreational pursuits are invented. Take, for example, skiing. It seems obvious enough now. But the guy who first tried it told his buddies, “Check this out. I’m going to strap boards on my feet and slide down that fuckin’ mountain. How will I steer, you ask? I’ve got that covered. I’ll be holding couple spiked sticks.”

How about hang gliding? Who gave the hang glider its maiden voyage? That guy must have had a sack like a walrus! Again, hang gliding seems sane enough now. But the design of the glider has gone through decades of refinement. The first guy who tried it grabbed a couple of Hefty Lawn Bags and a yardstick: “Hey fellas. Watch me jump off this fuckin’ mountain.”


Workaday at the Sex Toy Factory

I don’t mean to be crude. But I’ve been thinking about sex toys lately. Not the toys themselves, but the designers. Dildos don’t grow on trees. Somebody needs to design them and fabricate them in a factory. Some poor bastard sits in a cubicle with a drafting board, an AutoCAD program and a stack of dirty magazines and racks his brains hoping to dream up the Tickle-Me-Elmo of sex toys.

And this guy has a boss who walks the halls, pops his head in and appraises the designer's progress on whatever project. What’s that encounter like? Bob, I’d like to see more girth in your penis replicas. R&D found 30% more satisfaction in the over-40 housewife demographic with the extra-wide prototype. You should have received a memo on that. Also, nice work on the swinging ball-sack module. The boys in engineering report a threefold increase in ass-slappage.


No Class

Teenagers detest math. They feel it’s a waste of time and effort. See if this protest sounds familiar: “I’m going to be a (insert vocation here). I’m never going to need trigonometry.” By that rationale, we shouldn’t teach sex-ed to ugly people. I know, I know. You’re going to comment that ugly people have sex, too. But we shouldn’t be encouraging it in the public school system, for Christ’s sake.


Me Chinese, Me Make Joke

I read that there are 1.2 billion Chinese people -- four times the population of the USA. Also, Chinese people don’t use a phonetic alphabet like us. Instead, they have a picture for everything. All I can say is, there must be some thick fuckin’ phone books in China. Hell, the Wangs alone probably comprise seventeen volumes. Incidentally, the Asian Anti-Defamation League has recently protested the title “Yellow Pages,” for phone books. They’ve formally recommended “White, Round-Eye Pages” as an alternative.

That leads me to a joke: Why did Elton John buy a mansion in China? All the Wangs and Dongs. I hear he found a charming summer home in the Bangkok district.

67 comments:

Loving Annie said...

Good Thursday morning to you, Rich !

I always feel sad for a minute when I see those makeshift grave memorials on the side of the road, mainly 'cause I always think it is kids doing it for other kids; but you do bring up a good point about how come one thing is legally fined, and another is tribute ?

Yes, how DID the first skiier come up with skis ? Or the first hang glider ? Or for that matter, how about the first doctor to do a vasectomy ? Who agreed to the experiment ??? Gee, Sir, I've done it on a hundred monkeys already...

I want to know if the guy who invented silicone based sex lube got a measly bonus that year or a percentage of the company... And that ridiculous rabbit vibe - maybe he should be independently wealthy by now instead of figuring out what other animal ears he could put on the things....

Only teaching sex-ed to the beautiful people. Well, at least you and I have doctorates :)

Clearly you identified why Elton John would consider moving to China...

Loving Annie, who one day hopes to enjoy her education !

lfc said...

white. round-eyed... that's good stuff.

Peter said...

Like the tubular idea!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Macoosh said...

ooooooh i think i'm gonna like having you in my feed reader. this stuff is priceless.

Appletini said...

ha,ha....you are SOOO bad ;)

DrDon said...

Any post containing "ball-sack" and "ass-slapping" is pure gold.

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Oh. My. God. I am in complete awe of you, LBB.

You're tubular idea...and the way a bottle of hooch will fit perfectly inside one???

Fucking GENIUS, I tell you...;)

Heather said...

I am ashamed to admit how hard your first thought made me laugh.

Preposterous Ponderings said...

I'd like to know who takes the sex toys on their first "test drive"...

Doug said...

So do they use models to develope the prototype dildos? If so where do I apply?

The roadside markers don't bother me nearly as much as the ass bags who chuck cigarette butts out not thinking that they are litter.

There was actually a section of road that was redesigned after about the 3rd road marker appeared (not saying that is a good thing).

Oh great One said...

I agree with the roadside memorials. They kinda heeb me out too.

Maniac said...

You are a scream, dude. The tubes idea is priceless!

Anonymous said...

LBB, you have truly surpassed yourself this time.

Little Wing said...

I am laughing too hard to respond right now.....I wet my panties!

jillie said...

If the tubular idea DID come about, I think people would STILL run if they saw me coming....lol. Soooo...would a traffic jam be a "log" jam?

lol@your Elton joke...hahahahaha!

ooooohhh...little wing...TMI! lol

MONA said...

LOL! They are Lighting up your highways at least! I never saw any street lights on Freeways in America. Candle light is better than no light so stop whining!

Pneumatic Tubes are so Orwellian. Except one went down them to be incinerated when found guilty of a state offense...& I am thinking, what will they do if there is traffic Jam in the Pneumatic tubes? We have Kleenex Drain openers in India that contain acid...

Yeah.. & the pioneer of Golf would have said " hey guys watch me shoot put balls into those holes."[ Its not my fault.. crudeness rubs on in company...]

LOL! This is so funny! :)..& the advertising agents come up with. "For the first time, Naturals Take over Plastics. No extra cost for expensive Viagra. This anniversary, present your wife with our new dildo. Extra large, Ribbed & dotted for that extra sensitivity & extra mileage too...

Public school.. hmmm all prim & propah! For that matter, have no sex. Sex organs are so very ugly...I mean this is for the Public school system...

& They have no sound like an R So they say:" I eat Lice" [ Rice]

Chunks said...

You kill me!!

The Sports Mama said...

One of the scariest things about my parenthood years has been having boys who seem to be genius as *discovering* some new extreme sport.

*sigh*

I'm so proud...

SQT said...

Not to be a buzzkill, but I have a relative that was killed as he was working as a tow truck driver. He had just helped the lady who's car had broken down into his truck and told he she needed to be safe and was mowed down by some meth addicted driver as he was walking back to the car. His family put an angel on the side of the road as a memorial.

I don't know how I feel about that. I know the family gets comfort from it but the family member who died would probably roll his eyes at the thought of someone setting up an angel to commemorate him. He was a wise-ass who would've loved this blog and would probably have the same reaction you do to the whole thing. I wish I could ask him.

I want a pneumatic tube too! They'd be just the right size for doughnuts don't you think?

PlatinumGirl said...

OMG . . . how DO you come up with this stuff?! Love it.

P.S. How did you like Real Genius?

ZenDenizen said...

I recently read somewhere that Chinese people have no sense of humor but now I can't find the article.

You really are a riot.

The Sports Mama said...

Ok... this comment is totally off subject here. But as I was glancing over to the side on your bloglist, I see that I've either been upgraded or downgraded to "Hot Soup". So... before I can either be happy or sad...

Could you please clue me in on what the heck that means? :)

T'anks!

Scottsdale Girl said...

HAHAHAHAH! You named the R&D guy at the dildo factory BOB!

OHMIGAWD that is funny

JsTzznU said...

Where do you find this stuff!! Sure cracked my ass up!! =)

Enemy of the Republic said...

When are you going to publish the book: As I See It: The Words from Lightning Bug's Butt--I will even assign it as a text for my 136 students--there goes a month off of work for you!

Sex Toys: I am no prude, but I think they are a waste of time. And yes, this is not idle talk. When I got married, my friends decided to give me a shower, courtesy of The Pleasure Chest on Halsted Ave. in Chicago. I got dildos, edible condoms, some sticky stuff that comes out of a roll out container like deoderant (tasted like cherry), a dildo like I needed it, and other assorted goodies. One friend did bring me a bath mat. What's the point? My sex life didn't change one iota, except that it gave us something to laugh about. And why you are at it, why don't you find out what countries make these damn toys and what they pay their workers. I bet they don't pay them shit and they work 16 hours a day.

Hammer said...

I like the tube idea. It works on futurama. the crapper idea may be dicey.

Sex toy designers...I thought they just used molds of famous Johnsons.. I guess they add bells and whistles now.

Roadside memorials are creepy but a good reminder to not drive like a dick around that area.

Ari said...

The thing I don't like about the roadside memorials is that they are a grim reminder of a couple of things: 1) someone or thing has probably died in every square foot of the earth where I'm now walking, and 2) how my cretinous reaction is more one of "That's tacky, and don't remind me of that shit!" than how the family feels bad or how I should slow down or drive more carefully.

Ari said...

Also pneumatic tubes will always remind me of Orwell's 1984.

Damsel Underdressed said...

I've wondered about the "Hot Soup" thing myself...

I'm not a big fan of those makeshift memorials either. Seriously, why don't they get fined for littering? Or they should at least have to apply for a permit!

"White Round-Eye Pages" Ha! You must stay awake all hours of the night coming up with this stuff! Too funny!

Superstar said...

I want that job creating sex toys. I want to work there...*sigh*

No sh*t kids don't Know or USE math...ever had a kid count your change at the register? They can't do it...convert percentages? LOL

LOL about the roadside memorials. I agree w/ you. Have you seen the ones on the busy corner with mylar balloons? I am looking for a lemonaid stand...oh it's a grave!
~snaps fingers~

Yoga Gal said...

You have an original blod indeed!

Chris said...

Hello, you have a wonderful blog, but I can't find your email address, can you please contact me at linkexchange@edenfantasys.com? I have something to discuss with you
Regards, Chris
(Please can you delete this comment after your decision?)

Becky said...

Who does make these sex toys? Honestly, I can't see myself using the majority of them, they seem pointless a lot of the time.

sue said...

Too funny! I needed a good laugh today. Good points, all. Thanks, Bug.

Franki said...

My favorite roadside grave marker is the crucified teddy bear.

Purring said...

I've missed you sooo much. I really should visit more often.

Little Wing said...

I am putting it in writing that if I am killed in a hiway wreck, NO makeshift grave marking the spot.
Creepy, for sure.
They are everywhere in Northern Ca.

BottleBlonde said...

I like the tube idea, though I'm confident that my tits wouldn't fit in one.

the108 said...

those tubes remind me Futurama.

jali said...

I know I shouldn't laugh at some of your stuff - I tell my brain to be a little more PC, but damn - I can't help it.

qofd said...

There's an upshot to those roadside memorials in that if you stop at one it counts as a Mass attendance.

Well, its an upshot for us Catholics anyway.

Astrid said...

It is sometimes good to look in the mind of someone else, coz I would not have thought of any of this myself. Good job there!

Loving Annie said...

Good Saturday morning to you Rich !

What, no snarky comment from you on my latest post ??? Nah, you have a wild streak, I just know it :)

Hope that you are having a great weekend.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Well, yeah, but how about the guy who played the first game of horseshoes. Word is, the horse was still on them.

Stepping Over the Junk said...

dude, there is way too much here for me to comment on. Just know, I am reading and laughing...oh, wait, those roadside memorials spook me...it bluntly states "Someone died here". Interestingly enough, I have never seen anyone actually put one up or put flowers there...do they go at midnight or what?

Sassy Blondie said...

I still bet that Bob makes more money than me...regardless of how many hairy meetings have to take place.

And I concur on the roadside memorials. I'd be pissed if someone chimped out and didn't give me a proper memorial AWAY from the very spot where I MET MY DEATH. Jeez!

I'm a math geek...I admit it. I taught math for a decade. Sex to ugly people? Not so much.

China scares me on so many levels...I cannot make jokes.

snowelf said...

There was a HUGE debate up here about the road memorials the other day on our news. They are trying to get them outlawed, saying they are a distraction to drivers and actually cause car accidents!!

And Rich, the Tube Idea--that is too freakin' cool! They should make a ride like that at Six Flags or something.

Haha! At first I typed 'Sex' Flags!!!
Like an amusement park of sex toys!


--snow

poopie said...

We just got one of those tube systems from the ER to the lab. Now the piss is still warm when we get it. Ain't technology grand???

mckay said...

if i were a guy working as a sex toy designer, i'd make sure one particular model was an exact replica of my own manhood.

when i was on a trip in montana there was a road that had little white crosses down each side of the long road. i thought either montanans are crappy drivers or this must be one bad ass road in the winter. i felt luck to get out alive.

Fantastagirl said...

re: Pioneers

Eggs - "Hey Man, you gotta eat this, it just came out of some chicken's ass"

Palm Springs Savant said...

So I know this woman who helped a guy "design" and test a sx toy. He ended up giving her 25% of the profits, and let me tell you, it was a hefty sum. I'm amazed at the money that is spent in that industry...

Princess Extraordinaire said...

Now that you mention it I wonder if I can get a job at a sex toy factory..

Vaudeville Guy said...

It's like Dane Cook has a blog.

Cynic with Flair said...

I have to agree with the teenage math obsevation and the correlation to ugly people. It's not a popular opinion, but it's 100% valid.

I like the idea of soaring around in a pneumatic tube. That will revolutionize mass transit!

Sex toy maker meetings would be funny. Do they have to go through mandatory sexual harrassment training like other companies? I mean, if you talk gadgets that make people orgasm everyday, how do you tell folks they can't hit on each other? All that sex talk would get them worked up, I'd imagine.

Cheers,
Cynic

Rach said...

The memorials by the roadside always make me sad, but slow me down, I probably would do the same if I lost one of my honeys in a car wreck, except I'd have flashing fairy lights and everything.
Driving when You've had a few? Do we need to talk about this?

And how to you get to volunteer for dildo testing, sort of a 'cum-dummie' rather than 'crash test dummie'? Names and addresses please!

Raggedy said...

I cccccan't stop laughing!
Thanx!
Have a wonderful day!
*^_^
(=':'=) hugs
(")_ (")Š from
the Cool Raggedy one

The Sports Mama said...

Ok... so my blog isn't Hot Soup anymore?? Before I even found out what it was? *sigh* So not fair...

Bryan Peters said...

Advice from a friend of mine: DON'T put beer in the vacuum tube thingy. He tried it one time when the guy behind the counter "seemed like a cool guy and wanted one of my beers". The thing exploded before it got to the dude.

I can't imagine how many laws (federal + state + local) got broken during that one 'incident'...

random moments said...

Great post! Is it bad that I enjoy your more offensive posts most?

To be honest, I use NONE of the math skills I learned in high school. Maybe the basics from elementary and junior high, but nowadays, spreadsheets formulize EVERYTHING and there's even a calculater on your 'puter to do simple math for you as well.

Those roadside grave sites freak me out too. What if people fashioned those whereever their loved ones passed? *shudder*

Little Wing said...

who ever inspects the sex toys must be the happiest workers ever!

Loving Annie said...

Geez, you are POPULAR. 60 comments. Wow. I'm jealous. No I'm impresssed. Actually, both !

It's Tuesday the 16th.
Hope your week is going well so far, Rich --
Loving Annie

Bennet said...

Very funny. You're still like a well oiled machine of comedy.

I used to have a simular idea to Tubular, but with big bundgy cords. I like your idea better.

http://battlebennetthecapt.blogspot.com/

Honest John said...

Call me cranky but your humor is at best a third grade level. I understand coming up with clever blog posts on a regular basis can be tough, but if this is the best you can do, I would suggest gardening or oil painting. Normally I sign my comments proudly but I am not a comment whore commenting only to get others to come comment on my own blog. No, I see with 62 people praising an obviously second rate production, my opinion is not going to be popular. But it's honest. The tube idea is stupid. Even if it is read as comedy, it's stupid. The roadside memorials have been a tradition in Europe since the invention of the wheel. I suppose cemeteries are a waste of real estate too huh? I know...you are trying to be funny, but it's too labored. And it's not funny. Who invented skis and hang gliding? Who cares and how funny can it be? Not funny. Stupid indeed but not funny. Sex toy factories are run by porn stars who cast their own genitals for rubber dongs and pocket pussies. No need for an entire scenario on cubicles and bosses demanding more girth. It's Ron Jeremy blowing himself in an office. No humor...just pornography immortalized in latex. I understand the notion of "if you don't like it, then why are you here?" but I assure you, a return trip is not in the cards. I just read on and on in this unending drivel of a post hoping for something of comedic value...anything. But it ended with nothing. Then the comments praising it and women actually "peeing their panties" forced me to say something. I'm happy for you that so many readers have chosen your mess to promote their own equally lame blogs. It's a nice circle of wasted bandwidth. Too bad even your template/theme is completely lacking in creativity. Zero entertainment value equals blog failure. Enjoy your pretend fame. These readers only want others to come read their own disasters. Hope you understand that.

NWJR said...

OK, "Honest John" is a douchebag, but he's kind of right about the template, LBB.

Other than that, I'd say his comments have all the validity of a Greenpeace statement on global warming. Consider the source and move on...

dalia said...

co-sign zendenizen!

you're an idiot, but damn, i love you.

john is jealous, and sad 'cause he can't get anyone to visit his blog; hence he didn't even bother with a link 'cause he knew we wouldn't bother visiting anyway...

Turnbaby said...

Dude--way too many comments for me to catch up but all I can say in a very pithy and erudite way is...

FUCK YEAH!!

"The latest trend in highway fatalities is to memorialize victims with makeshift grave sites near where they shoveled the corpse off the road."

LOVE THAT!! Gah I can't stand it--they drive me nuts! I'm sure I am offending someone by saying that but tfb.

And I think the Congressional Medal of Honor should go the whomever invented the "Rabbit". That person has kept millions of men and women alive and married for years so that they were able to do heroic things in defense of our country --just sayin' ;-)

Anonymous said...

Imagine. In China you call Directory Assistance and ask for the "Wong number." Rive Rong & Poospa, lound-eye!