11/12/2007

Bullet-ins

  • Warren Buffet, the second-richest man in the world, plans to leave no money to his kin. His kids and grandkids won't see any of his fortune, most of which is already committed to charity. If I were one of his grandkids, I'd threaten him. "Hey Grampa Warren, if you don't give me a 7-figure cut, I’m telling the press that I caught you in bed with a sailor back in 1974."
  • Here's my abstract of the television show, Heroes: Generation X-ers watch as X-men meets X-files.
  • Never pay asking-price at a yard sale. Remember, everything at a yard sale is shit they'll have to haul to the dump if it doesn't sell. Everything must go. And nowadays, it's shit that won't even sell on eBay, so you know you've got them by the short-and-curly's. When I go to yard sales, I like to imagine myself as royalty, sifting through my subjects' shoddy belongings and family heirlooms. "Do you wish to eat bread this week, my royal subjects? Then you won't scoff at my offer: 2 dollars for the Weber grill, and you shall dance for me like dogs as well. Dance. Dance so that you might eat." Then, when they ask me to leave, I return the two dollars to my billfold and laugh with the contemptuous mirth of a king.
  • Here's a product conspicuously absent from the drug aisle: 'taint cream.
  • L.A. Fitness is a wildly successful health club chain throughout the Southwest. I opted for its sister franchise, East L.A. Fitness. Its main equipment is a big wall you practice scaling and jumping over. They also have a sewage-laden lap pool you swim across while still wearing your clothing and towing a garbage bag full of your belongings. They don’t allow Spandex bicycle pants, just tattered Levi’s jeans and a flannel shirt. Se habla Espanol, muthafucka.
  • Do you know what pisses me off? Screwdrivers. Not the drink, that actually helps soothe the anger, but the tool. Phillips or Regular? What the fuck is with two different kinds of screwdrivers? That, right there, is a microcosm for life and all its aggravating splendor. When you need a phillips, you have a regular and vice versa. I don’t care which one we go with. Both work great. Just stick to the one. Some of you think you can get around this. You try to insert a flathead into one of the slots of the phillips screw. But that never works. The flathead won’t fit into a phillips slot unless it’s too narrow, so it slips to and fro and strips the phillips screw. Now, nothing will work! And I won’t even start with the allen wrench. Fuck Mr. Allen, Mr. Phillips and Mr. Flathead. While I’m letting it rip here, who invented ball-peen hammers? How much chemical adhesive do you have to sniff before a rounded hammer makes sense? I’d like to beat the guy who invented the ball-peen hammer -- with a ball-peen hammer. “Hey look buddy. We finally found a use for the dumb-ass tool you invented.” Man, I hate tools. I have this yearning to kick Bob Villa in the crotch right about now.
  • There’s a great motto capturing the experience of military combat veterans: All Gave Some; Some Gave All. That same motto, coincidentally, applies to the varsity cheerleading squad at my old high school.
  • On my commute to work I pass two radar speedometer signs that publish my speed as I drive by. Here’s a waste of municipal resources. I don’t need a sign. I already have a speedometer. Why stop there? How about a billboard that reads “Objects in mirror are closer than they appear?” Are they trying to threaten me? I passed a speed sign yesterday and it read “Your Speed: 75.” Thank you very much. You’ve saved me the agony of glancing down at my speedometer. Oops, I’m in a school zone.
  • I think Burger King should do a commercial with that Journey song, Anyway You Want It:” Any way you want it, that’s the way you EAT it, any way you want it... She said hooooo... oooh...oooo, ohhhhhhhhh... hold the onions.

55 comments:

Jeannie said...

ummm - we also have Robertson head screwdrivers here...I used to think it was a joke of my Dad's. Our last name was Robertson - the screwdriver has a square head.

NWJR said...

What do you call the refrigerator screwdrivers? The last guy that serviced mine called it a "refrigerator screwdriver". That can't be right.

Preposterous Ponderings said...

Can you imagine someone asking for a price check on taint cream? he he

Better yet someone who needs help finding it: "I looked here and there and it taint here and it taint there."

random moments said...

Ppph! Genuis Burger King commercial idea! You may as well offer it up to BK (just in case) cuz you know someone is going to read your blog and use your idea anyway.

The speedometer sign: I used to work for a golf living-resort where a lot of bored housewives resided. Called bitching to me about speeders in the neighborhood, so I called the sheriff who installed one of those speed-readers for 2 weeks and we did a little study. People actually put on their brakes at the sight of that speedometer. Some looked around for cops hiding in bushes with radars. It was great entertainment.

Call me Maniac. said...

Good point on the speedometer sign. I think they're stupid. All it means is that there's no cop around to clock you, that's why they put the speedometer sign there. So all the timid road hazards slow down because, um, why, do they think the stupid sign is going to give them a ticket?

Turnbaby said...

LMAO@---

BK commercial with Journey--I worked for them in college--I never eat there ;-)

Your very un-PC East LA Fitness rag--fucking hilarious!!! and I think the slang for "muthafucka" is " chinga tu madre"--not quite sure pendeho ;-)

Fantastagirl said...

All gave some, some gave all also applies to the cheerleaders, in my high school... (and no, I wasn't a cheerleader - that was for the sluts - I mean popular girls.)

Bella said...

So true about the whole garage sale thing. I give my crap away DIRT CHEAP because I want to get RID of it!

Unlike my MIL who actually BUYS crap to re-sell...

Crazy Me said...

If I can't find a screwdriver when I need one, I use a knife. Hey, it works!

Ari said...

"Do you wish to eat bread this week, my royal subjects? Then you won't scoff at my offer: 2 dollars for the Weber grill, and you shall dance for me like dogs as well. Dance. Dance so that you might eat." Such greatness.

The middle section of this smacks of just having assembled an Ikea bookcase with attractive, sleek, minimalist instructions.

That is my favorite Journey song, and I didn't even realize it was risque until about five or ten years after I commenced listening to it.

The Thinking Man's Babe said...

Another great post. Hmmm...if I get spammed for some 'taint cream, I'll know who to blame...

That's really rotten of Warren Buffett on many levels and I am too weary to go into this in detail, but most people tend to stay in the social class they're born into. Caste systems aren't just for Indians, you know. They're just more upfront about it. Did Warren come from nothing? (I have really never bothered to study the man.) I'm sorry, he's an asshole. Hopefully he'll come back in his next life as his great-great grandson and will stay mired in a lower-middle class lifestyle. Gee, no matter how dysfunctional our families may be, we can all be grateful Dad is not Warren Buffett.

Ari, that Journey song is risque? I had no idea!!! I can never get past Steve Perry's tenor to really hear the lyrics.

someoneswife said...

I live in Iowa, very near to Omaha Nebraska, home to Warren Buffet, and we have known about him not helping the grandkids out for awhile now. In fact, our local news did a story about it. One of his grand-daughters was living in a shit-hole apartment, struggling to put herself through school. I think the whole thing is great! Why should they all get what he worked so hard for? He has shown them by example what hard work and dilligence can achieve. Now it is up to them to go do it. Now when they have something nice, they will appreciate it, unlike some horrible trampy little Hilton we all know. Warren's family is learning the value of a dollar, and the value of honest work. He says that they are not getting any of his money, but I have a feeling that those who do well on their own, will be rewarded by Gramps in the end. That's all, Bye.

Peter said...

I'll bet you were a big fan of Tim the Toolman and his buddy Al.... (I don't think so Tim.)

Dan O. said...

I work for a company, owned by a company, owned by a company, owned by Warren Buffet. And believe me, he ain't letting go of his money now, either.

By the way, sitemeter.com is wheere you sign up (for free) to get those stats you saw on my blog. It is really neat and very interesting. If you just click on the sitemeter counter logo on my sidebar, near the bottom, just above the Blogger logo, you'll be taken to a summary page for my site and be able to register from there. Have fun.

Damsel Underdressed said...

God! I totally agree about the screwdriver thing.

~gkw said...

I love tools, I hate Using them! I just want to have them and look like I know how to work on stuff....

Mo said...

I should've joined East LA Fitness instead of the other one. My current workouts are so boring without the threat of being murdered.

Oh great One said...

"Dance so that you might eat!" I'm going to try that before dinner tonight.

Lyvvie said...

I blame Ikea for the current trend in allen keys. Husband has a ring set of twenty different sized allen keys for work (No, not at Ikea, but in computing, engineering stuff. I don't know.)

But I must say, I love tools. Ball-peen hammers make me want to panel beat to the tune of some steel drums. You can kick Bob Villa all you want, but I love Norm Abram from This Old house, and will watch those shows when ever they're on. Thanks to satellite, that's a lot. He makes me feel I could build stuff!

Honest John said...

I can't believe how right you are about every single blasted thing! Can you fly too? See through walls? I am awed by your greatness. And Journey singing the Burger King anthem...brilliant. Genius. Unbelievable creativity. What a mind!

Samantha_K said...

There's an episode of King of Queens where Arthur goes on a rant about screw drivers, then tries to invent his own, just to make things more interesting...Perhaps you should do the same thing. The Lightning Bug Screwdriver. Of course, then you'd have to manufacture your own screw as well...Hey, I'm just the idea person, don't ask me to help you follow through.

RoxRocks said...

You need a Retract-A-Bit from Home Hardware. It has all the bits you need in one screwdriver. Seriously dude, move to Canada. We have cool tools.

snowelf said...

Gawd, those speedometer signs are stupid! I totally agree.

--snow

tornwordo said...

I like the radar detector screen bullet. I will never think of it the same way. And I pass two of them every day too.

Enemy of the Republic said...

I don't think your threat to moneybags carries weight. Hell, I've been to bed with a sailor. But the entire crew...nevah. They should try that one.

Palm Springs Savant said...

and I bet Journey could use the work too!

*~*Cece*~* said...

No kidding, WHY are there really two kinds of screws???

Now I was Burger King for dinner. Thanks.

jali said...

I went yard sailing a couple of weeks ago, and I think some of the sellers were actually trying to make their mortgage money. It's JUNK!

I like (to) screw(s). har-har-har.

Jadedprimadonna said...

One of my neighbor's actually called me last night to ask me what time I could come to her yard sale the following day. I had actually never talked to her before, and I was kind of baffled that I would be expected to go. Now I know why... she needs bread. Does royal mirth seem more mirthy if one has a big roll of ones to taunts the subjects with, or do you think it's more mirthical to have a smaller roll of 20s?

Superstar said...

I want to read the case law/civil suit that required car manufacturers to put that saying on the car...You just have to know that someone claimed stupid in running over the dog...*sigh*

What is your take on the freeway signs, supposedly telling us WHY the rush hour traffic is at a hault?!?!?!?!

HEHEHEHEHE

Now get over to my place and help me win!!!!
VOTE!!!
Every vote counts!!!

~claps~

MsPuddin said...

There are two screwdrivers because one is for crazy people, who screw holes into other people and one is for actually screwing screws…don’t you watch movies?

Those speed signs would only be worth it if they said, before you passed by, whether or not you are going to get a ticket in the mail…

Becky said...

Now your burger king song is gonna be stuck in my head all day, damn catchy!

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Doug said...

I agree with someoneswife to a point. There is definitely value in struggling for a bit. My friend used to pay for his kids tuition "after" he completed a quarter with a certain GPA.

Kid has to get the $'s up front to go to school (hence learning some responsibility), and Dad covers the cost of the education (which for some reason seems to be expected out of todays rug rats).

I struggled and paid my own way, but my folks couldn't afford it.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

i think if they had fake cop cars posted, that would really slow me down. unless i'm becoming elderly. at that point, i'll know that i'm so close to death, that every moment i'm not hooked up to breathing/feeding/crapping tubes is precious, and i'll drive it like i stole it.

if burger king does that commerical, they should have that creepy burger king guy, who always looks like he's going to rape you and steal your first born singing it.

St.Nölff,Ph.D said...

We have LA fitness here in South Carolina. This is unacceptable.

Memphis Steve said...

I used to work out at LA Fitness. I asked out the aerobics instructor there after her sister assured me it was a sure thing. She shot me down worse than anyone ever has in my entire life to this very day. I still have the bullet holes. Fuck me!

Warren Buffet may call his pet causes 'charities', but some of them are anything but. Somebody needs to rob that SOB before he can kick the bucket.

My wife's damn car has more than just the usual 2 kinds of screws plus the Allen head screws on it. She's also got Torx head screws. Mother fuckers! WHY WHY WHY?!

Ah, cheerleaders!

In a small town just next door to here, they post that Your Speed Is sign every day. Right next to it they park an empty police car. I like to see how fast I can pass the sign and get a photo with my speed and the cop car just sitting there, like an impotent man getting a lap dance.

Susan as herself said...

I thought I made a winning choice by purchasing one of those screwdrivers that flips over from a flathead to a phillips-head... only the damn metal part keeps falling out. Not I have a screwdriver HANDLE.

Sigh.

Bennet said...

I think an idiot invented the ball-peen hammer. I wonder if it was his stupidity at clawing open his own face that struck him with this idea or it was the many self slamming blows to his own head.

Perhaps both.

R.E.H. said...

Oh... I'm so with you on the screwdriver agony. I assemble a lot of furniture at my job, and those darn screwdrivers are never around when I need them!

But... don't get me started on instructions. Those take the cake! I end up having to redo every single thing I do... and then the darn screwdriver I just used has magically disappeared!

ZenDenizen said...

Funny, I was at a self serve bar at a party recently and I made a screwdriver out of laziness. I wondered if anyone still drank those, apparently they do!

Sassy Blondie said...

I really think I have nothing better to say than what's been said.

BUT...the cheerleader comment? Fanfuckingtastic! LOL

Snooze said...

I love the fact that Warren Buffet is leaving his money to charity. A good one too.

I also think your BK commercial idea is great.

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Chick said...

I hate those posted speed signs too...sort of like stating the obvious.

& Burger King should just kill that creepy king already.

Appletini said...

Hey! I like East L.A. Fitness. My family goes there...what we need is a trailer trash fitness world ;)

qofd said...

I am so changing my fitness club membership if East L.A. Fitness sells posole-flavored energy bars.

MONA said...

who needs screw drivers ? I am feeling too lazy to even think about using tools. Someone please invent a robot to do ALL my work which includes writing comments too!

Seven Figure cut! Hey! I am not his relative. I might still stand a chance with that charity thing!

Big Butt, why have you linked me twice?

jillie said...

I think it's GREAT that Warren Buffet is leaving his money to charities. He is a self made billionaire. Let his kids learn how to be one as well.

As for the yard sales, my team and I were doing a fund raiser for The 3 Day Breast Cancer Walk and people STILL wanted everything for nothing. PEOPLE...this is a FUND RAISER!!

LOL@ East LA Fitness. Don't think I'd wanna go to that gym.

aCey said...

hi! this is a fun blog to read! :)

Scottsdale Girl said...

My garage sales have NOTHING over a dollar. TAKE IT AWAY FFS!

I giggled maniacally at the BK journey song...actually started singing it...

Loving Annie said...

Heh-heh-heh. You've got the best pithy observations and dry sense of humor around, LBB !!

I love reading here - even if I didn't give it my all until college :)

Just wanted to come by and say hello from vacation in Mexico --
it's a rough job, but someone has to do it :)

Loving Annie

someoneswife said...

LMAO @ tequila mockingbird for..."if burger king does that commerical, they should have that creepy burger king guy, who always looks like he's going to rape you and steal your first born singing it." I so feel that way about that Burger King Guy...he skeeves me out! (And those insurance company cavemen too.. ugh!) Hugs, Dawn

mutleythedog said...

Are those like wild pigs? we have them here... they are well tasty!

lostmahead said...

Hi, first time here. I don't know much about tools but I sure do love watching someone that knows what their doing with them use them. Then again maybe I'm watching to many of those hunky do-it-yourself shows.