11/29/2007

Five things

  • Waiting to pull into traffic, I spotted an oncoming SUV speeding my way. I spied the most charming Christmas decoration on his grill plate -- a wreath illuminated with Christmas lights. How novel! I was charmed that someone was so taken with Christmas spirit that he'd wire his car with lights! But something about me drew his ire: ole Chris Cringle in the SUV gave me the Italian salute. How had I offended him? It was either my gawking, or else he mistook me for a Christmas-loathing Jew. Either way, I made sure to brandish my middle finger in sight of his rear-view mirror. Hava Nagila, scumbag.
  • You know what would make life in America a lot more interesting and fun? The government should grant every citizen 3 prosecution-free homicides. The way it would work is, after you kill the guy, the police respond to the scene and hole-punch your Social Security card, like a drink ticket. If you already have 3 holes, you go to jail. I know I'd use up at least two of mine while shopping at Wal-Mart. How would I do it? Bare-handed strangulation, of course. I'd want to savor the experience. Attention service clerks: clean-up and body retrieval on aisle 14. With any luck, Wal-Mart would have a sale on homicides that day. Two-for-one special. That would be great. I'd have one left over for a guy who wears novelty t-shirts, or maybe Carrot Top.
  • People fret over global warming endangering polar bears. Don't worry about them. I swear on my life, we've got a polar bear here in Tucson, AZ -- in the effing desert! He's at the local zoo, living the life of Riley. I gave him a Snickers Bar just the other day. Ungrateful bastards, those polar bears. After I tossed him the candy bar, he scoffed at me and said, "What the hell is this? Usually you're good for a Slim Jim at least." Up yours, Klondike. You don't hear the rhino complaining about the Pop Tarts I gave him.
  • Human rights activists are up in arms over how we treat enemy combatants at Gitmo. At issue is how we coerce information from detainees without descending to tactics like water-boarding. I say, Why not get them drunk? Certainly an all-night drinking binge and a few dirty magazines don't amount to torture. Instead of water-boarding, make them keg-stand a barrel of Keystone Light. Not only will they spill the beans about terrorism plots, they'll be high-fiving the guards and singing The Star Spangled Banner. The best part is, the next day, they won't even remember what they told us! Built-in counterintelligence. Then we can tell Human Rights Watch to go scratch, that is unless they have a good remedy for a hangover or want to help clean up some vomit.
  • The facts are in. A large percentage of Internet bandwidth is consumed by porn. My question is, When is Apple, Inc. going to wake up and introduce the i-Vagina? And for you ladies -- the i-Brator. Click, click.... Buzzzzzzzzzzzz.

61 comments:

Midas said...

LOL...I like the Homicide thingy. I know I'd have used up all three right away...I guess I should save one in case someboyd else annoys me more!

Midas said...

Look at that...I got here first. he he

NWJR said...

Heh. Apple could call it the "vi-Gina". You could use it with your "Vi-Agra". Your spouse might want a "di-Vorce" if you enjoy it too much.

Maybe you could jack it into your iPod and every time Barry White came on, it would get all moist and...

Well. Never mind. Let's just say that the enterprising entrepreneur could make some big bucks by exploring the cross-marketing possibilities. To hell with "ringtones"; let's sell "vag-tones".

random moments said...

Okay remember when you asked me if I had a free murder, who would I kill? I would definitely partake in the Walmart homicide sprees. I'd save my 3 freebies just for that God forsaken place.

1. Aisle hoggers.

2. The parents of the wild ass children that are left unattended.

3. People who park their ass in front of you in the 10 items or less lane with 37 ITEMS.

GREAT idea!

Chick said...

I like the homicide thing too...but I think you need to be at least 30 years old...because a kid would waste their wish on the kid who hit them with the ball in that horrible game of dodgeball that you used to always have to play when it rained...& a teenager would waste their kill on that scumbag who broke your heart by hitting on your best friend & a 20 something would waste it on the 1st guy who asked him to marry you then proceeded to sleel $2,000 from you with a smile.

Blogarita said...

That's right. Decorate your car to draw attention to yourself, then get pissed off when someone looks at you. Must have been a Goth teenager driving it.

Loving Annie said...

Good Thursday morning to you, Lightning Bug !

Uh, unofrtnuately, I'd have a few homicides a day, mostly to smokers who occupy my airspace, and people who drive while talking on their ell phones, and everyone behind those automated voices whenever you call a company and can't get a real human being to answer the phone before you've pushed 12 different buttons...

And, since you liked my Christams lights so much, I have pictures of my bedroom on my erotica blog for you today...
This sort of extravagence is compensation for my being single, and therefore wholly justified :)

p.s. I think you ought to e-mail Steve jobs with that idea immediately -

Loving Annie

Jack K. said...

I think I saw a news report a couple of months ago about a Japanese inventor of a hand held vagina substitute for those long, lonely nights when it is difficult to get....

Hammer said...

I'm not sure, gitmo would fill up with a bunch of drunkees pretending to be al queda.


We could also chase them with pork chops until they spilled the beans.

ADW said...

I wonder if you could make the three killings into a trading card game? That way you have a chance to win others' cards....

I need more than three.

Cameron said...

Then there would be a black market industry for filling in those little punched holes on the SS card.

Rachel said...

Oh. My. Word.
I am actually laughing and snorting diet coke out my nose. Do you know how much that burns?
This was freaking hysterical!
I must go read more.

Preposterous Ponderings said...

@#$%^**(&*^%^$%%&&(*)_())+_)*(^&%^

Sorry about that.I'm a beta tester for the i-Brator.

Bella said...

Hmm. I'm not much into killing, do you think I could sell my three punches on eBay???

Honest John said...

Why would anyone want a free pass to murder three people without even considering how many might want to use one of theirs on you? The guy with the wreath on his grill would have gotten you before you even got to Walmart.

R.E.H. said...

3 prosecution-free homicides. I could use that. At the very least, I would appreciate a license to kill at my job. Just one every day - that would suit me just fine ;)

I'm signing up for the i-Vagina. When does it ship?

Sassy Blondie said...

Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, LBB! Merry Fucking Christmas!

I've been good all year, so that iBrator better be in my stocking!

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Dang. I thought the iMerkin was next in line.

gusgreeper said...

ummm i am still using a PC. what know new porn tips for ME?

Turnbaby said...

""When is Apple, Inc. going to wake up and introduce the i-Vagina? And for you ladies -- the i-Brator. ""

hehehe

http://www.ohmibod.com/

Wonderful World of Weiners said...

i-brator sounds way better than
i-vagina but what do I know? I'd ask my wieners but they're sleeping!

Hallie

Great Blog!

Fantastagirl said...

I like the 3 free homicides... although - I'd use mine up really fast - could you buy other people's punches? or trade them gas for a punch on the card?

Franki said...

You're right. Getting me drunk is a sure-fire way to get way too much information.

RoxRocks said...

If you were going to kill Carrot Top, you might want to rethink the strangulation angle. Have you seen his effing neck lately? Dude's got serious 'roid issues! Maybe he was driving the wreath-mobile?

Oh great One said...

Perhaps that one finger salute means something different in his home country of I'MAPETEREATER.

I'm not a fan of the homicide idea. I'd be dead already!

Tequila Mockingbird said...

WTF? i swear i left you a comment yesterday calling you an asshole for feeding polar bears snickers bars, when everyone knows that they only eat york peppermint patties.

guess blogger might be waging a jihad up on me and my comments.

Mona said...

He gave you Italian salute? Why didn't you give him back a gun salute... or a bum salute?

If I had three free homicide I would kill all the people in our electricity department, divide the number by three till I come to Three and say I killed only three...Oops! that's how the mind works after an eight hour long power cut... but you wouldn't know...

Yeah the frigging polar bears have no forbearass.. er forbearance... { my batteries are low]

Yes, Wine and wimmen... & they will be spilling it all from both the ends [ I think power cuts make you a bit tipsy with madness too]

i- brator? Is That also called brator?? I had no Idea! None of the thesuarus showed that the pe...er brator is called a brator too. I guess they need to update [ & I need to recharge]

Mona said...

..click click...

Little Wing said...

" hole-punch your Social Security card, like a drink ticket....."
I love it!
Maybe at Christmas time we could get a bonus punch!!!!

Call me Maniac. said...

Another great post, LBB. You are the master at this.

I am a verbal gusher with martinis. There is simply no telling what I may say or do after I've had three of them. (Three of them the way Andy, my bartender, does them.)

Jahooni said...

You make my tummy hurt from laughing....

I am so with you about the WalMart homicides... but only three, I need way more than that!

snowelf said...

oh my fucking god, that homicide thing is hilarious. I do not promote killing in any way shape or form, but the concept is something else!!

--snow

Yo Momma said...

The 3 free homicides sounds like a hit.. with the SS card hole punch. Brilliant.

Superstar said...

WOW I am sure that the government would have a WHOLE new department to monitor that SS card punch... My gawd, they can't control the card now...can you imagine the working of the police a city organization trying to regulate it? I am sure that would be as successful as the current "war on Drugs" campain...yeah

OK clearly the wreath bearing SUV is a wolf in sheep's clothes. Not very Merry Christmas to flip you off for (ahem( NO reason!!!

SQT said...

The 3 free homicides wouldn't work, we'd end up killing off all of humanity.

The getting-prisoners-drunk-instead-of-torture thing is brilliant! Hell, give them an i-vagina while you're at it and they'll defect for sure.

Vi vi vi vooom!!!!!!!! said...

Oh, I'd use all my tickets at the local co-op, But that would really be a waste, because the staff there are already brain dead.

Cynic with Flair said...

Why hasn't anyone thought of getting prisoners drunk before? They'd be telling the guards how much they loved them and spilling their guts about how the bully in
6th grade stole their lunch money, how their mother never loved them, and the terrorist plot they're hatching. Brilliant!!

I will vote for the "3 murder" amendment also. Although I'd have used those up long ago. My only caveat is that you'd have to be at least 25 years old - otherwise you'd have a bunch of girls killing their one night stands for not calling the next day.

Loving Annie said...

Good Saturday morning December 1st to you, Lightning Bug ! Hope you are having a great weekend !

Runner Chick said...

I am ALL about the 3 homicide thing. I might really get into identity theft though....

MsPuddin said...

So what if you lose this homicide card. DO you get to start over?

the i-Brator sounds awesome, can I want a pink one that plays the eye of the tiger on repeat..

Bella said...

LLB, follow me to my blog... you've been tagged for an assignment...

Bella

Ari said...

OMG I LOVE the 3 prosecution-free homicides club idea!! Sign me the fuck UP! That would go along with the tried and true Texan idea of shooting someone because they "needed killin'". You are one of us, I swear. All you need is the Toyota Gun Rack. :)

And the Gitmo prisoner defending crybabies can dry their eyes. Charlie Daniels (it's true!) went there and found prisoners throwing cups of shit and piss at the guards. They're lucky they don't get rifle whipped. They're in JAIL. It's not a Hilton hotel vacation. Damn.

Bennet said...

As always, you are the blog king or comedy. Funny stuff.

I think Apple is working on the I-vagina but the product testing committee has been rather mixed on satisfaction data.. Soon they hope to cum to an conclusion soon...

ugh..hardy har har

aCey said...

a polar bear in the desert!!! that, i have to see. haha. you're funny, giving that bear candy! haha.

Dave Morris said...

Regarding the three homicide thing, I'm not sure what it says about me, but I do have three ex-wives...

CarmenSinCity said...

I love the 3 free homicides! What a great idea. I would have used all three of them yesterday when I was shopping at the Fashion Show Mall on Las Vegas Boulevard. What a mistake that was. I should have known better.

jalishouse.wordpress.com said...

I saw a cute parody on TV this weekend.

The Apple I-pad.
For women.
On their periods.

Becky said...

"The government should grant every citizen 3 prosecution-free homicides." I don't know if I have ever told you this, but you are a freaking genius! I can see advertisements for it now, natural selection is back with a vengeance!

IDigHootchAndCootch said...

I'm thinking of copyrighting "i-Porno"

Appletini said...

The I-Brator sounds lovely!

Wal Mart! I'm so disappointed ;p

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

"I know I'd use up at least two of mine while shopping at Wal-Mart. "

For me, it'd DEFINITELY be in traffic. Have you SEEN the morons on the roads down here? GAH!!!

Beth said...

Dude, I agree with you so much on the 3 prosecution free homicides, its scary. And I often find myself saying, "If I was allowed to kill just ONE person..." those that visit my site would know that my first hole punch would be for re-re.

Princess Extraordinaire said...

The i-Brator sounds quite ice..hmmmm...

Samantha_K said...

If the polar bear doesn't want the Snickers, I'll take it.

Honest John said...

if you hold off long enough between posts, you get quite a few more suckers to comment...you certainly do know how to whore for hits young lady.

Mona said...

move that Big Butt

Memphis Steve said...

"Human rights activists are up in arms over how we treat enemy combatants at Gitmo."

Screw that. All we have to do is make them citizens and then let cops Taser their nuts they way they do American males during routine traffic stops and arrests. In just a matter of minutes they'd be telling us everything they know and begging to go back home to the Middle East to live in poverty again. In fact, why don't we do this with all the illegal Mexicans, too? Those fuckers would be running for the border - to go home.

Sassy Momma said...

LOL I had to tell my husband about your hole-punch theory as he has a similar idea with idiot drivers. Everyone should be able to pull over the "idiot driver" and give them a hole punch on their license. After the 9th hole-punch the tenth person is allowed to kill them.

The Thinking Man's Babe said...

Hey LBB,

You know, I kinda like the idea of getting the prisoners drunk...having a party, winning their confidences, etc...a very fun and twisted form of psychological operations...Anyway, I think the vast majority of them shouldn't be there anyway. It's just a distraction from the real criminals who orchestrated 911 and it wasn't some dirt-poor farmboy in Afghanistan, I'll tell you that.

All Best...

Lyvvie said...

iBuzz for couples *winkwink*

Palm Springs Savant said...

I'm thinking that around holidays, stores could sell gift cards with killing credits. Or, laywers could figure out how to bequeath unspent killings to friends or children. The possibilities are endless.