11/02/2007

Gratifident

There ought to be a word for a fortunate accident, something that gratifies even though you were trying to prevent it. Gratifident, gratify + accident. How's that for a new word? I don't know. Anyway, here are some examples of what I mean:

Imagine you're drinking a chocolate milkshake. It's too thick for a straw, so you're drinking from the cup. You tilt the glass (or better still, that metal container from the electric mixer -- why does it taste so good to drink it from that thing?). As you drink, you peer down the glass. Lo and behold. There's a glut of ice cream settled on the bottom. Coaxing the milkshake to ooze down while taking care not to dislodge the ice cream bomb, you tap, tap, tap the back of the glass. Tilt, tilt. Tap, tap, tap... careful... careful... Whoops! Splat!... the glut of ice cream breaks way, slides down and slaps you in the mouth like a pair of D-cup titties. Now you've done it. You've got a mouthful of decadent ice cream flooding your mouth, cheeks, and chin. You just made a gratifident -- a gratifying accident.

Bodily functions can be gratifidents. Burps and farts, though accidental, can prompt laughter and fun, given you're not in an elevator at the time. And believe it or not, premature ejaculation can be a gratifident, too. You get what you want and you can still catch Leno's monologue. Ah, did I tag you in the face with that one, darling? Heads-up for next time!

Here's another gratifident. Have you ever accidentally beeped your car horn? Sometimes I'll reach for my turn indicator or a new CD or my penis or something, and I'll accidentally press the horn. A little honk escapes. Likely, the guy in front of me hears it. For a split second you feel embarrassed. Oops. You feel sorry for the disturbance, and you hope he won't take it personally. Maybe you give him a little "I'm sorry" gesture, similar to the "thank-you wave" when another motorist lets you turn or change lanes. Just then, he gives you the Italian Salute. Va Fungu! He doesn't care whether it was a mistake. He flips you the bird or flashes you the "are-you-a-fuckin'-dumbass?" face. He beeps his horn -- a long, dragged-out beep reeking of hostility. Then he taps his brakes. He decelerates his vehicle to an obnoxiously slow pace. He'll give YOU something beep at, pal! By now you realize this guy was an unidentified asshole and you were lucky enough to give him what he deserves preemptively! Now, you feel downright satisfied that you aggravated the jerk. Feel free to take down his license plate and make an anonymous call to the police. Tell dispatch you're pretty sure you saw him with an underage girl and that both parties were drinking beer while the driver brandished a firearm. Beep, beep, jag-off!

Oversleeping can be a gratifident. Sometimes you need an extra hour or two of sleep. Your body decides to take it without your consent. You wake up late. You fret and worry, but then you realize you're not late that often. You have plenty of vacation time. Your role at work isn't terribly important anyway. Also, you're surprisingly well rested and lucid for a change. Plus, you arrive at work to a shortened workday. The irony is, if the boss or your colleagues are cranky because you showed late, it's probably because they're tired from lack of sleep. Here you are doing the responsible thing, getting enough rest and arriving at work cheerful and energized for the afternoon workaday, and they're throwing a wet blanket over your cubicle. Screw them!

Gratifident, n. Gratify + accident. Definition: a gratifying accident.

Spread it around.

51 comments:

Hammer said...

Thats a clever new point of view.

I guess it happens a lot and I don't even realize it.

Jeannie said...

good one - I could give you a great example but it would take too long.

I thought at first that serendipity was the word you were looking for but clearly not.

Amandarama said...

I wish I had the kind of job that would let me show up late if I overslept. Unfortunately, the kiddies can't teach themselves (at least not the stuff they're supposed to be learning...).

Bella said...

You know how I love 'new' words!

Pretty cool...

:) Bella

Scottsdale Girl said...

INcredible...I LOWELLED HARD at OOPS hit you in the face HEADS UP next time!!!!

Midas said...

LOL. I love that word....but what about Serendipity? It's like fortunate accidents...except it doesn't quite cover it. I like this word much better.

ribbiticus said...

webster would love to have you on board - hahaha! doesn't sound bad at all...i'll be incorporating it into my vocabulary...;)

Fantastagirl said...

Since I'm all about using new words, I'll try to use it at least three times tomorrow...

Peter said...

A good word Rich, and well described in your examples.

Appletini said...

I beg to differ....premature ejaculation is NOT a gratifident.

Rach said...

Bring on the afternoon workday, am so in favour of that one as new constitutional law.

Preposterous Ponderings said...

I have a pair of D cups that would like to slap you in the face! :oD

Palm Springs Savant said...

Interesting. I gratidently stumbled on a new pizza joint the other day when I took a wrong turn going somewhere. I just had to go in for a slice. boy was it GOOD.

Sassy Blondie said...

I find myself wondering if you are just that funny, or if I'm just in love with you and therefore it's just required.

BottleBlonde said...

Well ya learn somethin' new every day. I can't think of anything gratifident at the moment 'cause I'm nursing a flu, but I believe you when you say that the ice cream thing is gratifident.

Weary Hag said...

Wow. It's like a whole new club in here now.

Cool post. Ya still got it, baby boy.

Paul said...

I'm all for serendipity. Unfortunately, for every "G" you experience ... I believe you're likely to have 99 accidents in between.

I mean, I've seen that ice cream in the bottom of the metal mixing glass, it didn't slide into my mouth. It didn't look good in my crotch either.

And "big 'ol peter" once came before he was invited, but I didn't get to watch the jokes on Letterman. I still had to pay the bill.

So, I'm not really sure if I'm just skeptical. Or whether experience makes a gratifident really, really special.

The Thinking Man's Babe said...

Love the Unidentified Asshole comment...very fun...

Best...

snowelf said...

That ice cream thing has totally happened to me and that horn thing is SO true!!!!

--snow

Ari said...

I do the oversleeping gratfident once or twice a year. It's weird... if I'm running a few minutes late, I'm all stressed but if I'm a few hours late, I feel exactly like you described -- ohhh WELL! Nothing I can do! I invariably arrive to find that the school has not shut down without me. Sweet.

jali said...

You are a genius and I'm proud to know you.

*~*Cece*~* said...

Nice new word!

mckay said...

you should add this to Urban Dictionary.

Raggedy said...

What fun!
We have pick up trucks at work and I am the only female working with a bunch of guys...When they send the crew out in threes I make sure I am always seated by the door on the passenger side of the vehicle. When I see another vehicle approaching with occupants that we know. I quickly pretend to drop something and duck down to pick it up, so it appears the male occupents are sitting side by side.
I conveniently create a Gratifident and it brings me great pleasure...
Have a wonderful day!
*^_^
(=':'=) huggles
(")_ (")Š from
the Cool Raggedy one

ZenDenizen said...

"Sometimes I'll reach for my turn indicator or a new CD or my penis or something" Love it!

Princess Extraordinaire said...

I think finding your blog was a gratifident....

MONA said...

Two Posts & do not even get the wind!

You should have farted loud to let me know!!!

Those gratifidient are surely fortudents!

& dear me! It is not 'a pair of D sized titties' it is ONE d sized tittie! Remember? it was ONE blob of icecream!

Of course the burps & the farts & the ejaculations are gratifidients! They really make you feel light, Literally!

haha! That aggravating the jerk is so much sadisticfying [ sadistically satisfying]

Oversleeping is the best gratifidient of all, just like sleeping over...

Turnbaby said...

So I'm guessing writing about D cup titties covered in that blob of chocolate ice cream and slapping you in the face caused the premature ejaculation.

Enemy of the Republic said...

I like this word. This weekend I went to a conference and missed the first session because I slept through an alarm clock, a wake up call and even room service bringing me coffee, pounding on my door and calling. I didn't hear a thing. I know I should have been pissed to miss the session, but the sleep felt good.

Macoosh said...

i also thought serendipity was the word you might be looking for, but no. instead, you've given us all a fabulous new word. we who are about to use it, salute you.

Elaine said...

vomiting after having a drinking binge is the essence of gratifident. It sucks when it's happening and you didn't mean it to happen but damn I feel SOO much better after yacking up 15 tequila shots.

Ahhh college.

RoxRocks said...

Yes but double D's won't give you brain freeze!

Oh, all the cool kids will be saying this one!

Loving Annie said...

Good Sunday evening Rich !

I'm with you on the milkshake, but I'd like mine vanilla, please :)

That horn beep was a crack-up. It makes me smile just thinking of
'Va Fungu' !

Gratifident... Maybe you can suggest it to Webster's for a new word :) You did make it up, right ? Right ? I wonder if I can use it next time I play my Mom during Scrabble...

Little Wing said...

LBB I wrote the new word on my palm so I will remember it!!!!!!

MsPuddin said...

I’ve never had DDs slap me in the face or touched the penis that I don’t have while driving. And I would be pissed if I rushed to work to be sent home early, but still a useful word nonetheless…

CP said...

That word describes my kids. Both of them. Damn faulty condoms.

CP.

Honest John said...

Incredible. You need to write your own dictionary if this is how good it would be! I smell New York Times best seller list! Genius. Pure genius.

random moments said...

I had a gratifident just this very morning. Yep, it was oversleeping. However, I do this often and I'm still unsure if its gratifying when I'm flying out the door whipping on my mascara.

I like the new word! (And the mention of D cup titties. Who doesn't like a mention of that every now and then?)

Oh great One said...

Fabulous word. I hope you've submitted it to Websters!

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

The world doesn't have NEAR enough gratifidents.

I had one about peeing...but when I typed it out, it sounded too wonky so I deleted it.

Oh, and I'd MUCH rather get splatted in the face by ice cream than a set of double D's. The bitches would only make me jealous because I don't have a set of my own. ;)

qofd said...

How about a fat life insurance policy on your husband when he ejaculates prematurely and then follows it up with a shrug and says "At least we can catch Leno's monologue?"

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Did you know that http://www.jamiesmindlessblather.blogspot.com is owned by Jamie Dawn, who also is trying to get acceptance for her new word: Hitonious, meaning worse than horrid. Then there's my word, riotonious, which means funnier than a riot. Which part of your word gets the accent? I need to know these things if I'm going to promte it. I guess.

jillie said...

I can so relate to the milk shake incident. It happened not too long ago for me. Stuff like that always happens to me.

Bodily functions...well, people say I'm a lot like my mom so in 20 years I am going to be a lean, mean walking fartin machine!

Superstar said...

LOL I am still back drooling over the choco milkshake. LOL ;o)

I call that a Gratifident....ummmmmm yummmmmmie

Crazy Me said...

I've never dumped the milkshake on myself but a 44 oz. diet coke from sonic? Many, many times! Totally sucks!

SHADOW said...

"...and slaps you in the mouth like a pair of D-cup titties."

What you know 'bout that? LOL!

Oh, you should copyright your term before it spreads. Before you know it, it will end up in some hollywood movie and you won't get a deserved cut of the $$$. :-)

Jenni said...

Could this be like when you trip and drink a bottle of wine?

Memphis Steve said...

I had a gratifying accident just the other day. I didn't mean to grab the woman's breasts in the grocery store, but once I had them it was nice for a few moments. Then the police arrived ...

Memphis Steve said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Dave Morris said...

This word has as much chance of success as Stephen Colbert's "truthiness," I think! Good job.

In fact, I laughed so hard I made a gratifident in my shorts.

dalia said...

Va' fa' un culo!