11/19/2007

Kiss my beanbag, Ann Landers

Do you have a problem? How about an ethical dilemma? A wonderment or curiosity? A difficult choice to make? An unidentified skin ailment? Having trouble navigating your career or love life? Does something have you mystified? Are you stuck at the verge of a great scientific or philosophical discovery? Do you need a blog topic?

Now is your chance to get help. Lightning Bug’s Butt is currently fielding all queries (that’s exotic French talk for “questions”) for discussion in an upcoming blog post. Go ahead, ask LBB. Think of me as Ann Landers, only without all the electric, middle-aged sex appeal. Oh, also, I don’t renounce Christianity and crack wise about the Pope, religious icon of 700 million Catholics. And also, I don’t endorse prostitution like that senile old whore, Ann Landers. Come to think of it, don’t think of me as Ann Landers at all. Imagine me as the overbearing, back-handing husband Ann Landers should have had to keep her in line and out of print.

Disclaimer: I am not a licensed mental health practitioner. I am not a professional counselor. I don't presume to have all the answers to life's problems (unlike that haughty Ann Landers). In fact, I'm still trying to master some basic life skills such as:

  • mastering mishap-free urination without raising the toilet seat. (the holy grail of bathroom etiquette).
  • mentally compensating for trailing automobiles whose reflections in the mirror depict them as closer than they appear.
  • successfully using Glad's Yellow-And-Blue-Make-Green technology for sandwich bags. (I wrestle with those things for 30 minutes or so and the closest I've gotten was an odd, mauve line with red splotches).
  • mixing the perfect margarita (either I use too much mixer or, I err on the other side and wake up in a Mexican jail cell. Hola otra vez, Capitan Diego).
  • refraining from laughter at the sight of another’s misfortune.
  • allowing Ann Landers to rest in peace and free from posthumous libel.
  • Coexisting in a world with Glade Plug-ins and bottled water.
  • Believing in silly notions such as global warming, the Holocaust and "women astronauts."
...and many other shortcomings.

My point is, please read my responses for entertainment purposes only. Or, if you find a particle of merit in the advice, apply it to your life without delay!

I look forward to your questions. With such a bright and lively readership, this project promises to be a piece de resistance. Please know that I’ll publish your (brief, concise) questions along with my response. I’m hoping for a large body of whiz-bang inquiries. So feel free to take your time and revisit. Serve me up a real doozy. I’ll post my annual Thanksgiving Day essay later this week while I contemplate your questions and write my responses. Then after the holiday I’ll publish them, perhaps in a series of installments, should the volume of questions require it. I hope you have as much asking as I will responding.

Anticipating your question,

LBB.

41 comments:

NWJR said...

Please explain life's greatest mystery: the enduring popularity of "America's Funniest Home Videos".

ZenDenizen said...

What the hell does "waiting for the other shoe to drop" mean?

random moments said...

Dang it! I subscribed to Bloglines and I still can't make first...

How can I get my adult, supposedly professional boss to not dribble on the floor when going in our shared, unisex bathroom?

I have to do acrobatics in order to keep my slacks dry while visiting the loo myself after he's left his trail.

RoxRocks said...

What should I be now that I am an alleged grownup? (Keep in mind I am very lazy...)

I wait with baited breath for career advice LBB!

Dan O. said...

Where did the concept of "bad" words come from? What makes them bad? Why is fornication okay, but not fuck, feces, but not shit, rectum, not asshole, etc. ad infinitum?

There's always some penile-cranium rectal-cavity telling me to watch my language and stop using these "bad" words. Maternal fornicators.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

i was going to ask you if the pope shit in the woods, but instead i posted a poll on my blog... it seems to me too heavy of a question to put to on person.

anyway, my real question is why do people have such a problem with the word midget? i wrote about this
last week, but i still dont get how dwarves (which sounds like mythical creatures par to unicorns) or little people (that to me infers the idea it is a child) are better names of people of super short stature.

Enemy of the Republic said...

LBB: Why are some men so selfish in bed?

Jack K. said...

My question is of little importance, but of value, nonetheless, to me.

How high is up?

Maddy said...

So it's safe to presume that you're not a fan then.

I don't care what colour they put on these little plastic bags, they're still useless.

For time being, I'd stick to the radio as the pictures are so much better as say!

Cheers

MsPuddin said...

When will it be socially acceptable for women to fart?

Raggedy said...

You could always call the first question "Buggy Shit" for entertainment value.

Actually, I was just wondering how the hell the E. Coli gets in our gut in the first place. Background in case you aren't scientists: We have E. Coli in our intestines that help us digest food. But a baby doesn't have it when it's in her mom. There isn't E.Coli in Breast milk, and hopefully isn't in their food. So where does it come from?

How many sheets of paper can one tree make?

Do wasps have souls?

Is reality confined to what is in principle perceptible to the senses?

Have a wonderful day!
*^_^
(=':'=) huggles
(")_ (")Š from
the Cool Raggedy one

Ari said...

Hmm... good post! I predict you shall be buried in enquiries.

Here's a personal doozy:

1) Should I continue trying to locate a man who is my equal or better in wit and intelligence, while still remaining fat and sassy, or get costly, annoying gastric bypass surgery (which will do little to lessen the sassiness)?

2) Supposing I do, is marriage even worth the trouble?

3) Will you seriously post about your life o' hell at Osco? Please?

Have fun replying!

sue said...

I have no questions. I'm all about the answers. Bring 'em on...

R.E.H. said...

I have a question for you...

If a person reeks for any reason, and appears not to be aware of this... do I tell them? And, if so, how do I go about letting them know?

Preposterous Ponderings said...

Why do guys scratch themselves so damn much?

Bone Sucker said...

If car A leaves Seattle at 3pm and car B leaves Boston at 5pm at what time do I care?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

If a vice is a bad habit, what is a versa?

What do you do with a perpetual 1-upper?

If I spin counterclockwise fast enough, can I reverse time?

What is the square root of -1?

Can you explain the string theory?

Would you rather be right or happy?

And...

to one of your previous comments:

When are we going to be allowed to SAY fart, let alone do it!!??

Bone Sucker said...

And the burning question in my mind:

Why does my cat's butt look like the end of a hotdog?

Bella said...

This ought to be good...

:)

Superstar said...

why does Honest John feel it necessary to be Right about EVERYTHING?!?!?

~shakes head~ Nevermind. There isn't enough haldol in the world to take that one on!!

OK, SO...Anything?
At what point did tipping a server 20% become the "norm" and not the "hey you gave me outstanding service" bonus for a job well done?????

Just a Girl said...

LBB -

Why thank you for asking...

1. Why is daylight saving time not observed in Arizona?
2. How important is giving a good blow job in the success of a relationship?
3. Can you purchase tequila with the worm?

Raggedy said...

I want a quick easy fix to stop hubby from SNORING! I want some dern sleep!
Here I am up when I should be getting my rest!
HELP!
FRY PAN?
THWACK ON THE HEAD?
I have to control myself I know....

Honest John said...

Why are facts often met with denial and excuses?

I speak of society in general and not in my desire to cure the blogosphere of infectious boredom. I know the #1 reason has to do with my penis. I'm looking for #2.

Doug said...

How many licks odes it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

My question is a bit whiney but still....why is it that in Playboy, all the women are smokin' hot with hardly a flaw...but in Playgirl, I see...um...I mean...I've heard that the male models sometimes can be seen with pimples on their asses. What...the men aren't worth an airbrushing session like the women are??? What the hell is up with that???

someoneswife said...

The Honey, the hubby, or scrap it all move to someplace warm and start again? Yes, I really do want a man's perspective.

Sassy Blondie said...

Why are boobs such a fascination for men? I mean, so many of them gain a few pounds and get their own, so does the fascination then shift to themselves?

I don't know...it's just all so confusing.

*sigh*

EmmaK said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
EmmaK said...

Dear Lighting Bug
I have spent quite a few months maybe even years trying to 'figure men out' I have come to the conclusion that they are very basic organisms and that they spend very little time on the traditonal female pursuits of overanalyzing relationships etc. Please clarify for me once and for all that the inside of men's heads are chock full of breasts, pussies and er...what else, if anything?

Emma
xx

Milf Gone Wild said...

LBB
Hey baby,
Are you attracted to older women? If so, you and me babe, how about it?...sorry got carried away there lol.
No, my question was, have you had a lot of experience with older women and are they better in bed? If you have slept with an older woman are they less of a pain in the arse than some of the younger ones?

Karen said...

What percentage of men think a camel toe/moose knuckle is attractive?

tornwordo said...

I'm cracking up at these questions. Looks like you have your work cut out for you.

MsPuddin said...

I thought of another one...

Is there really such thing as blue balls?

tornwordo said...

Were you serious about the Holocaust and shaving your bean bag?

Top cat said...

How did I get over here?:)

Thanks for stopping by my blog.
tc

Mo said...

How do I tell my non-handwashing after peeing/pooping co-worker that he's a nasty sonofabitch without getting myself fired and/or looking like a total bitch?

IDigHootchAndCootch said...

Will my neon yellow "Choose Life" t-shirt ever come back in fashion?

Call me Maniac. said...

I get the feeling that I'm crashing the party here because I'm so new to this motly crew, but I do have one burning question that I've always wanted to get an answer for: Why is it that the last drop can never be shaken into the bowl instead of my whites? I've spend as much as 5 minutes before attempting to come home clean but to no avail... What can I do?

Loving Annie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Loving Annie said...

Happy Friday to you Rich ! How are you doing ?

Hope last night's dinner was VERY yummy !

Left 'special blessings' for you on my nice girl blog today in the upper right hand corner !

Midas said...

I can't believe I hadn't posted my question yet...but I have always wondered why being "homo/gay" is almost as powerful as being called "nigger". Both have the power to make you lose your job...

Why is that? I had looked at history to see if any race called "homo/gay" have been enslaved but I can't find any...so why the whole walk on eggshell thing?

just me said...

i love eggnog. Although I can feel myself get fatter with each gulp.