Now is your chance to get help. Lightning Bug’s Butt is currently fielding all queries (that’s exotic French talk for “questions”) for discussion in an upcoming blog post. Go ahead, ask LBB. Think of me as Ann Landers, only without all the electric, middle-aged sex appeal. Oh, also, I don’t renounce Christianity and crack wise about the Pope, religious icon of 700 million Catholics. And also, I don’t endorse prostitution like that senile old whore, Ann Landers. Come to think of it, don’t think of me as Ann Landers at all. Imagine me as the overbearing, back-handing husband Ann Landers should have had to keep her in line and out of print.
Disclaimer: I am not a licensed mental health practitioner. I am not a professional counselor. I don't presume to have all the answers to life's problems (unlike that haughty Ann Landers). In fact, I'm still trying to master some basic life skills such as:
- mastering mishap-free urination without raising the toilet seat. (the holy grail of bathroom etiquette).
- mentally compensating for trailing automobiles whose reflections in the mirror depict them as closer than they appear.
- successfully using Glad's Yellow-And-Blue-Make-Green technology for sandwich bags. (I wrestle with those things for 30 minutes or so and the closest I've gotten was an odd, mauve line with red splotches).
- mixing the perfect margarita (either I use too much mixer or, I err on the other side and wake up in a Mexican jail cell. Hola otra vez, Capitan Diego).
- refraining from laughter at the sight of another’s misfortune.
- allowing Ann Landers to rest in peace and free from posthumous libel.
- Coexisting in a world with Glade Plug-ins and bottled water.
- Believing in silly notions such as global warming, the Holocaust and "women astronauts."
My point is, please read my responses for entertainment purposes only. Or, if you find a particle of merit in the advice, apply it to your life without delay!
I look forward to your questions. With such a bright and lively readership, this project promises to be a piece de resistance. Please know that I’ll publish your (brief, concise) questions along with my response. I’m hoping for a large body of whiz-bang inquiries. So feel free to take your time and revisit. Serve me up a real doozy. I’ll post my annual Thanksgiving Day essay later this week while I contemplate your questions and write my responses. Then after the holiday I’ll publish them, perhaps in a series of installments, should the volume of questions require it. I hope you have as much asking as I will responding.
Anticipating your question,