11/27/2007

The rest of your questions, anwered

Here you go, readers. And thank you for all your queries. They were great!


Honest Juanita

Why are facts often met with denial and excuses?

Great question!

I remember the psychological theory called cognitive dissonance from a college psych class I took 10 years ago. Fascinating stuff. I believe it answers your question. I’m working from memory, so I hope I can do the theory justice: CD postulates that we have a drive to keep our beliefs, perceptions and actions in congruency. When the universe presents us with a fact incongruent to our convictions, our brains subconsciously contrive an explanation -- however fanciful -- that allows us to simultaneously maintain our convictions and accommodate the invading fact.

For example, let's consider a reader who maintains that a blogger's works are unfunny, uncreative and lack literary merit -- and who furthermore extends these criticisms to all other bloggers who associate with this blogger. I know what you're thinking: this reader sounds like a real douche bag. I agree. But he serves as a choice example of CD. The reader betrays his convictions by visiting the blog he criticizes hundreds of times, as evidenced by the logged IP address (22.61.133.122, and how are things in Lowell, Mass., anyway?). He never misses a post or an opportunity to comment -- and all this over a month after he swore a "return visit is not in the cards." I've had women propose marriage to me on this blog who don’t visit so much!

Any fool can see he enjoys what he's reading. And nothing’s wrong with that. But according to cognitive dissonance theory, he must maintain his original conviction. So he brings his conflicting beliefs (that what he's reading is rubbish) and behavior (visiting 10 times a day, commenting, devouring every word in ecstatic joy) into alignment by telling himself he's not enjoying a bit of it. Or something more fanciful: that he’s an Agent of Truth charged with the task of identifying substandard writing in the blogosphere. Lacking the gift of wit, he wields clumsy insults at friendly bloggers, and when these bloggers defend themselves, he paints himself as the victim of an unprovoked(!) counterattack. Behold, he’s a martyr. The purpose of the Superhero of Truth fantasy is threefold: it masks his envy-fueled hostility, it brings his frequent visits into congruency with his bogus critiques per cognitive dissonance theory, and it justifies the Underoos Underwear he wears well into adulthood.


Tequila Mockingbird

Why is the cranberry sauce out of the can taste so much better than the home made stuff? is it the botulism? is it just because it's ribbed for pleasure? i can't understand it.

We often try to reinvent the wheel when it comes to food. Sometimes we succeed, but often it’s best to leave food preparation to the experts. Cranberries are gross. The scientists at the cannery have worked long and hard in the laboratory to make cranberry products edible. What you taste out of the can is the miracle of their labors. By all means, do not attempt this at home. These are trained professionals!


QOFD

When you die and God casts you into the fires of hell for that Kunta Kinte remark, do you suppose you might earn flame-retardant gear after a few millenium of frying like a super model lathered in Coppertone?

I appreciate your concern, QOFD. But I’m in luck. God has a sense of humor. If anything condemns me to hell, it won’t be my blog. It’ll be my masturbatory habits!



BottleBlonde (BJ)

Who's your uncle? Michael Jackson? I see the resemblance.

Funny you should ask, BJ. My uncle’s been asking about YOU.


Palm Springs Savant

Why do electrical cords ALWAYS get tangled?

Because they can. Say, when women deliver sextuplets, do you think the umbilical cords get tangled? If those things are anything like my DVD cables, the OBGYN’s life must be a constant hell. Now where the hell is this kid’s cord going...?



Enemy of the Republic

I still don't know why some men are selfish in bed? Perhaps you thought I was referring to their general nature. I wasn't. I'm talking about the men who get what they want and the female might as well be a crater on the moon.

I apologize for the misunderstanding. I suppose it’s because sex is a selfish thing by nature. Sure, it’s nice when she enjoys it, too. But after working so hard and waiting so long, our priority is OUR enjoyment.

A biological perspective may explain things, too. The purpose of sex is procreation. The male must ejaculate in order to fertilize. Women, biologically speaking, need only to lie there and be the receptacle. This was the case until the 1970s, when NOW brought a class-action lawsuit against Mother Nature seeking the creation of the female orgasm (Ref: Pushy Broads vs. M. Nature, 1973). They won on appeal in a 5/4 split.


Midas

I have always wondered why being "homo/gay" is almost as powerful as being called "ni**er". Both have the power to make you lose your job...[Editor’s Note: I’ve replaced the N-word here so that the liberal homos at Google won’t deactivate my account in the name of “tolerance.”]

Good question, Midas. The truth is, everybody’s trying to get in on the act. Blacks had a monopoly on victimization for a long time. And the notion had merit in the past, when this country still had the remnants of vile racism within its laws and in society. But other special-interest groups saw in anti-discrimination efforts a hitherto untapped potential: to lay claim to something without having to earn it. The next thing you know, everybody’s a victim! If you use a prohibited word against a protected class of people, you pay. One day, white heterosexual males will establish themselves as a victimized demographic. And when that day comes, I’m resurrecting Johnny Motherfuckin Cochran from the dead, programming him into my speed-dial, and tapping into our justice system for millions! We’re going to march on your asses!


Call Me Maniac

Why is it that the last drop can never be shaken into the bowl instead of my whites? I've spend as much as 5 minutes before attempting to come home clean but to no avail... What can I do?

Indeed, you can’t shake that last drop, Maniac. But you can enjoy trying.


I Dig Hootch and Cootch

Will my neon yellow "Choose Life" t-shirt ever come back in fashion?

I doubt it. Life -- human life, at least -- isn’t very popular nowadays. Haven’t you heard? We’re destroying the planet with our “carbon footprints.” By that rationale, every aborted child makes for a greener earth.

But neon yellow is a fine color, especially for automobiles, which coincidentally are destroying the earth, too. Come to think of it, IDHaC, you’d go further wiping your crack with that t-shirt than waiting for it to come back in style.


Mo

How do I tell my non-handwashing after peeing/pooping co-worker that he's a nasty sonofabitch without getting myself fired and/or looking like a total bitch?

I have three ideas. None of them are very pleasant:

1) Sprinkle glitter on his junk. Then he’ll have to wash his hands, or else resign to looking like a fruitcake.

2) Give him a case of herpes, then remind him that if he fails to wash, he risks spreading it to his mouth when he eats.

3) Give him an embarrassing nickname, like “Edward Pisserhands.” Use as necessary until the sick bastard runs some water over those soiled digits.



Top Cat

How did I get over here?

You accidentally found my blog by Google-ing the search string “Frightening Cum Butts.”


Tornwordo

Were you serious about the Holocaust and shaving your bean bag?

No and yes.

I believe the Holocaust happened exactly as history recounts. How can six million Jews be wrong? Open-minded Colombia University recently invited the leader of Iran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, to guest-speak and inform the world that the Holocaust is a canard (no invitations yet from Colombia to invite Global Warming “deniers” to speak. Go figure.). But Ahmadinejad also denied Iran has gay people. Not one single gay fella in a nation of millions. I figured Ahmadinejad himself was gay based on his suit. Have you seen it? It makes him look like a Persian Pet Shop Boy!

As far as my beanbag, I resisted the trend as long as I could. But that’s the way the wind’s blowing. And speaking of blowing, that’s what chicks want to see when they’re on the job.

Both sexes are shouldering the others’ encumbrances. Women are discovering the “equal opportunities” of paying bills, 60-hour workweeks, office politics, self-identity deriving from career success, the dangers of military service, paying child support and alimony, and other traditional male “privileges.”

Men, meanwhile, are struggling with their new role as sex objects: coiffed hair and nails, aerobics, body spray, shaved genitals, and finding the perfect pair of shoes to match an outfit.


MsPuddin

Is there really such a thing as blue-balls?

Only when it’s really, really cold outside. Otherwise, no.

44 comments:

jillie said...

LOL...those are some good questions and even better answers...lol!!!

Thanks for the good laugh now back to yardwork...ugh!

;o)

Preposterous Ponderings said...

Funny as hell! You need to do this more often.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

agreed, you should do this more often.

i am totally a fan of shaved genitals. i dont know why more guys arent on board, because it really does make the wang look bigger when it is shaved. when i go to the gym, i see that shaving genitals is definitely something of OUR generation... these nasty women walking around with a goddamn briar patch between their legs... i seriously would not be surprised if briar rabbit popped out. ick.. no trips to that splash mountain for me.

Honest John said...

Such a brilliant answer to my burning question but you lost it at the end. You see, I truly do despise your lame writing. It's possibly the lamest humor I've endured. It's insulting and demeaning and your lack of respect for your readers is a disgrace. Not until I pointed out your total lack of acknowledgement of them did you laboriously write a thank you to them and only in the context of Thanksgiving Day. You are an example of your answer to my question. You ARE my question. You DO suck. I read you BECAUSE you suck just as I look at car wrecks when I drive by them. And this my gay little friend is a bloody mess of a wreck.

You are gravely mistaken by your analysis of your stat counter. I am not even in the United States. Who ever you have chosen to chastise from Lowell Mass for being me is likely one more of your misguided fans seeking to marry you. I certainly hope he doesn't get too upset by you posting his IP address. You know how those gay stalkers can be, right? Keep it up...I need more fodder for my blog...

Honest John said...

Damn, there I go again, typing one handed. I must be impotent for being so harsh. I'm sorry. You're fabulous. Disregard that last comment. BTW shaved balls....gay.

random moments said...

I don't know why, but the first thing that popped into my head when I saw you had updated on bloglines was WHO WAH! You know, from Scent of a Woman?

I'm sending my guy here. This stuff is too funny not to share. Thanks for the laugh!

Honest John said...

80.74.144.85

In case you really don't believe me...there's my IP Tweety Pie.

Jeannie said...

I almost wish I didn't already know everything.

good stuff

RoxRocks said...

Some things never change. You're still funny and Honest John is still a dick. Obladi-oblada life goes on.

I don't get the fascination with shaved genitalia. I mean, I'm all about trimming the hedges but shaving it all off? That's a lot of maintenance!

The glitter on the co-worker reminds me of a story of a woman going to see her gyno who freshens up with a facecloth prior to going. When the gyno checks her he says "Fancy" and she's all WTF? When she gets home she realises the cloth was covered with glitter. hehe. Fancy.

Sassy Blondie said...

The last part, before Ms. Puddin...I can't stop laughing!
Bravo!

Memphis Steve said...

This was some genius funny shit here! Now that the writers are on strike I'm thinking you should apply to some sitcoms and see what comes of it. You should be getting paid for this shit.

~Fathairybastard~ said...

Too much wisdom and hilarity in one place. Too much. Yoiu always satisfy, no matter what the ladies say.

BV said...

There is too much going on here to just comment on one thing, but you crack me the fuck up.

Also, the best thing I EVER did on my blog was get rid of my statcounter.

The Stevo in H-Town said...

"...MsPuddin

Is there really such a thing as blue-balls?

Only when it’s really, really cold outside. Otherwise, no...."

DA HELLTHEREAIN'T!!!!...back inda summer of '67 atta drive-in movie, my "blue balls" shoulda at least been "blew" balls...jus sayin' now...

The Stevo in H-Town said...

"...Sure, it’s nice when she enjoys it, too. But after working so hard and waiting so long, our priority is OUR enjoyment..."


3 thingz:
1) Ifya hadta "work", all you were doing wuz "convincing" her that "You were da Maaannn."
"
2)If ya hadta "Wait"...you were there too long..

3)If YOU'RE priority is YOU'RE enjoyment...YOU don't know howta fuck...

But...have a nice day...either way...

Peter said...

It's not just "who comes up with these questions?" but also "where do you get these answers from?"

The Stevo in H-Town said...

Making HER "enjoyment" a residual effect or afterthought or secondary, sez alot aboutya...

Heather said...

Such a great outlet for your wisdom and wit!

How's massage therapy school going? Do you need any volunteers for practice?

Franki said...

I'm mystified by Honest Juanita.

The Stevo in H-Town said...

franki...so iz LBB...and HJ to LBB, btw...It'sa mutual deal....jus' sayin'....

Loving Annie said...

Hi Rich !

Good to see you back -- even if I did leave 'special blesisngs' for you up on my blog for 3 days and you were a.w.ol. so I was finally forced to believe that you and your beanbag had absconded for the north pole, to make your re-appearance in 28 days...

And by the way, I am a discriminated against minority victim too - being a wealthy single white chick with no ankle biters or linoleum lizards to my name - I want special tax exempt status for that or at least the cover page on newsweek asking for sympathy...
Thank you Johnny Cockroach for opening the door to that thought process.

Very true on your cognitave dissonance by the way !

Happy Tuesday evening to you, and hope that your Thanksgiving holiday was a good one :)

Loving Annie

Little Wing said...

Ahhhh LLB, great answers as usual!

Midas said...

Desperate Housewives were talking about circumcision last Sunday. By cutting the excess flesh of the penis, it's less sensitive. I was aghast since my 4 boys all had "bris".

Then my husband said, well, do you really need the men to go off any faster than they do? 90-seconds too long for me?

Good question. All men should electricute the end of their penises so they can wait more patiently for the women. Most women that is.

Midas said...

Great point...what happens if saying "White" can make you lose your job? What will people use to call the color "formerly known" as white?

Have you heard? Islam is the "New Black".

Midas said...

Great point...what happens if saying "White" can make you lose your job? What will people use to call the color "formerly known" as white?

Have you heard? Islam is the "New Black".

Mona said...

I read about the cognitive dissonance theory too. & It is proving ITSELF in your comment box here LOL!..., My advise,accommodate facts incongruent to your convictions or go commit suicide!

Hey LBB,speaking of theories, I have a theory too,which is more practical than Practical. You KNOW who you are so it should hardly matter what others think...
I always say to ppl who fling abuse at me. If it makes you feel satisfied,feel fulfilled in abusing me. As for me, I am like a river. If someone throws a burning torch at me, it will remain burning only till it reaches me. Thereby it will get extinguished!

LOL @ underoos underwear!

I cannot agree more about Cranberries. They even extra sweeten the juice to camouflage their taste!

God does have a sense of Humor!That is why the is enjoying the scene out here since trillions of years!

Lol! where ever the hell the kid's chord goes, be assured it will finally reach its navel...Besides you need to cut from near the navel to free him so the entangled mess does not matter much!

I heard that too about the Mother Nature lawsuit... & it was SOME G-appeal!

Does Marching on your ass help reducing the size of your Butt ;D ?

I agree, it will never come into fashion...

LOL! Great three Ideas. But Please do not spoil the name of Edward Scissorhands. He is sooo sexy!

Be assured that Topcat came through Us and not through google

I often wonder how he knows that!I mean HOW does he know that This or That is not gay!?! Both sexes shouldering encumbrance except for one...Bearing babies :(

Really? the balls turn blue when exposed to cold? We must start knitting a ball sweater!!

BottleBlonde said...

Listen here, Lady Bug's Bukkake. Give yer uncle my number.

ZenDenizen said...

Even better than the first batch! Persian Pet Shop Boy, oh that's rich... Love how you called out your stalker's IP address...

Bella said...

So true on the role reversals. Wondering if it's worth it...

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

"It’ll be my masturbatory habits!"

You and about eleventy-million of the rest of us. ;)

And there's no such thing as blue balls? Really?

That lying son of a bitch!

;)

someoneswife said...

LBB,
You know that I think you are great, but really, don't you think this silly little dick measuring contest with Honest John has gone on long enough? One of you needs to be the bigger man, and just let it go...that said, it makes for some amusing reading and drama! But I do have to say, HJ is telling the truth about the fact that he is not in the States. He has paid a few visits to my blog, and this is his info... you owe someone in Lowell an apology...Domain Name umlhosting.ch ? (Switzerland)
IP Address 80.74.144.# (METANET GmbH, Switzerland)
ISP METANET AG
Location Continent : Europe
Country : Switzerland (Facts)
Lat/Long : 47, 8 (Map)

Language unknown
Operating System Microsoft WinNT
Browser Firefox
Mozilla/5.0 (Windows; U; Windows NT 6.0; en-US; rv:1.8.1.10) Gecko/20071115 Firefox/2.0.0.10
Javascript disabled
Time of Visit Nov 27 2007 4:55:28 pm

Hugs, Dawn

SQT said...

Oh man. It's not healthy to be spraying tea out my nose this early in the morning.

I should've waited until afternoon to read this-- after my tea.

qofd said...

Whoa. I'm totally finding myself repressing an inner urge to propose marriage to you. Is that a first for someone who does visit this blog with some frequency?

qofd said...

Oh, and can you keep that last comment to yourself? You know, so my husband doesn't find out? Or your wife? Or my priest? Or God?
Thanks!

Hammer said...

Great answers. I always thought ajmenajad got fashion tips from pee wee herman.

tornwordo said...

Those are some great answers. I loved the refresher on the cognitive dissonance theory.

MsPuddin said...

good to know. Excuse me, I have to go take care of someon-I mean something...

mckay said...

5 o'clock shadow on the boys? hmmm...

p.s. thanks for a great read tonight. i had a crappy day and you + glass o wine made it tolerable.

dalia said...

re: Call Me Maniac's question...

um, CMM, love?

you know, you could always, like, um... use this neat invention called toilet paper? you pull a loose edge from the spool, taking 1 or 2 squares (not much more is needed for the last drop), and then you wipe/dab/apply to the area in question. when you're finished, you just drop the used squares into the bowl. and flush...

when you're done, be sure to wash your hands, or else Mo likely take lightning bug's advice and sprinkle glitter all over your junk!

just a suggestion...

Turnbaby said...

hmmmmm
you know waht--some really good funny got lost in a lot of crap--if you ever sort a 'real' url for HJ please let me know

and if you sort this post i'll be all happy and stuff

Christopher said...

CD is an appropriate response to so many responses in society... good call!

Loved the answers to questions as well.

Dan O. said...

RE: Call Me Maniac's question

You can squeeze it
You can shake it
You can bang it on the wall
But, it's got to go back in your
pants
For that last damn drop to fall
******
And have you ever noticed that freaks like HJ never leave a link to their supposed blog? Bet that's a brilliant piece of work. Oh and his preoccupation with calling you gay, LBB? I think he's got a crush!

And why does he think he's the one you were writing about in this instance anyway? There's certainly more than one basement-dwelling-mother-loving-psycho who reads your blog. Poor deluded punk.

Bennet said...

Really , you're a great writer, and very skilled.

I gots nothing funny.

But I do imagine you sitting at a work cubical every day with fellow workers completely unknowing of your raw blogging talent as you plot your plan of attack.

Dave Morris said...

1 - It disturbs me to know you can go to hell for masturbating.

2 - I'm hoping a mostly-conservative supreme court will overturn Pushy Broads vs. M. Nature.