11/15/2007

Thanksgiving dinner

Check it out. These fellas make a habit of visiting my home every trash night. As I took this picture I was karate kicking the rest of the javelinas off me (they travel in packs of about 8). They savaged my shins with their tusks, but I got the better of them. I slugged the one on the left in the gut (the flashbulb prompted him to charge) and sent him hurling into the desert. I've seen Enter the Dragon 34 times. Taste my pain, bitch.

As you know, Thanksgiving is approaching. I usually roast a turkey, but this year, inspiration struck.

Tonight I've set up a high-tech gizmo. It involves a stick, a crate box, a long segment of string, and some prickly pear fruit as the bait. If all goes as planned, I'll entrap one of these savage beasts. Hopefully I won't tip them off as I hold vigil in the shrubbery with my wireless laptop. Don't mind the strange, glowing bush, little fella. Don't you want to eat that succulant cactus fruit?

My trap will work. Few know the javelina is the most gullible creature in the desert. I once talked a Javelina out of an Almond Joy bar he found in the desert by telling him they put pork byproducts in them, just like Slim Jims. Sucker.

Anyway, after I catch him, I'll give him a shave, knock back a few drinks with him (javelinas prefer tequila around the holidays), sing some old western folk songs (javelinas have beautiful singing voices and a great ear for harmony) console him for being naive enough to fall for the oldest trap in history, and then, when T-Day arrives, his rodent ass is going in my turkey fryer!

Mature javelinas go about 55 pounds. That's more than I can eat. So if you're one of my favorites, I might Fed-Ex you a package of javelina jerky for holidays. A little taste of desert living from me to you.

What's next on LBB: I have an LBB advice post coming tomorrow where you share your problems and I'll offer solutions. I'll also reprise my Thanksgiving Day post which has become a tradition.
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53 comments:

honest john said...

Good looking little pigs...

Stepping Over the Junk said...

I so could not eat those suckers, even if I were drunk.

R.E.H. said...

Don't know if I could eat those savage beasts either. I do believe I'd enjoy knocking back a few and singing some wester folk songs with one of them... that would just be weird enough for me to enjoy.

Cameron said...

Thanks for posting a pic of javelinas -- I never saw a ONE while I lived in Bisbee!

Javelinas are NOT pigs, actually. According to our wonderfully omnipotent and all-powerful Wikipedia:

"People often confuse peccaries, which are found in the New World, with pigs that originated in the Old World, especially since some domestic pigs brought by European settlers have escaped over the years and now run wild in many parts of the United States. These feral pigs are popularly known as razorback hogs. One of the ways to tell apart the two groups is the shape of the canine tooth, or tusk. In the Old World pigs the tusk is long and curves around on itself, whereas in the New World peccaries the tusk is short and straight. Peccaries use their tusks for defense; they feed chiefly on roots and grasses but also eat invertebrates and small vertebrates."

I do wonder if they make good eatin'. Keep us posted!!!

Dan O. said...

I'm not saying I'm expecting any jerky, but any chance it would be spiced with peyote?

random moments said...

Wait. What?? RODENTS??? Please tell me those are NOT ginormous rats. Please.

I can't wait for the advice post. I've always thought you would be a good psychiatrist/counselor-type. Probably your ability (and duh, talent) to make shit up has me thinking that.

Breazy said...

LOL! Your imagination is great!


Too bad I don't eat jerky eh? LOL! My husband and children love it but not I. My husband makes his own as well since we have a dehydrator.

My surgery is coming up on Tuesday and I have a full schedule until then so I don't know if I will be back through, if not I hope you and yours have a very Happy Thanksgiving!

HUGS!

RoxRocks said...

Not only is your blog entertaining but also very informative. I'd never even HEARD of a Javelina before!

I can't wait until you dispense some advice! That will be to blogging like the Grammy's are to Music. Or something.

MONA said...

You are telling me that your eat rats!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You are kidding me! Those are wild boars! { whew! I take solace in that thought}

:D Thy really attacked your shins?

Now when you skin them, tell them." take that you!"

My problems? I have so many!!

LBB> I added a picture to my latest post just for you to see! :D

Fantastagirl said...

so do you give them lime with the tequlia?

Franki said...

those are the biggest fuckin roaches i have ever seen. i would move immediately.

Preposterous Ponderings said...

Awww I think they are cute!

Although I wouldn't pass up an opportunity for some good bacon.

Junebugg said...

Damn, the best trash beast I could find around here was raccoons, unless you count the armadillos who are digging up my yard

Lyvvie said...

Is it legal to catch 'em and eat 'em? If so, why doesn't everyone there do it?

I'd take those bin raiders over opossums any day.

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Hey, I just got out of surgery so there's NO WAY I'm cooking for Thanksgiving this year...please send me some javelina jerky. Please?

Oh and it probably wouldn't hurt if you send me some tequila too...you know...alcohol for...ah...medicinal purposes...yeah, that's it! ;)

jason said...

After you knock back a few and sing your songs, you should tell him he'll have a chance to be free. Let him go and as he makes his way almost out of sight, pull out the sniper rifle and pick him off from 100 yards away!

Midas said...

I hate to say this, but those suckers are cute! How can you fry something so cute?

I try to never think of cute baby cows as I grill my burger.

~gkw said...

Hey, I'll eat anything walking on 4 legs ( and some walking on two... we won't get into that now..) Send on the jerkey!!!

Scottsdale Girl said...

Make sure you remove that stink gland thingy before cooking.

someoneswife said...

Okay, so I would so eat that pig looking thingy. I am thinking, bacon, ham, sausage....oh hell yeah, need a crate? I will send you one. I say let's all meet at LBB's house for a hog roast! Hugs, Dawn

NWJR said...

It wouldn't be the nastiest thing I've ever eaten. What the hell is in Jerky anyway? Jerks?

Honest John said...

Why do all you people ask questions? This guy never bothers to even read your comments, let alone answer your dumb questions! Yet, he has such a hypnotic magnetism I can't resist coming back...hoping...praying...will he respond? Will he acknowledge his minions? Alas, not today...not here..not without the promise of 75 more comments on his brilliant counter attack!

MsPuddin said...

What are those things? A Javelina! Jeezus!!

I wouldn’t eat those…unless you make bacon. If you are making bacon, then go ahead, do what you got to do…

St.Nölff,Ph.D said...

If you cook it on a charcoal grill, your wife might appreciate it.

SQT said...

People often confuse peccaries, which are found in the New World, with pigs that originated in the Old World

So what, they don't taste like ham??

Mo said...

"Taste my pain, bitch"? That's so awesome.

just me said...

those animals look like pig-rats.


which is like, the worst thing ever.

*~*Cece*~* said...

Those things are ugly! *covering my eyes*

EmmaK said...

Good luck trapping those beasts. I didn't much fancy the javelina jerky, but if the hogs were soaked in tequila first it might have quite an interesting flavor. I don't know why more hunters don't get their prey drunk before gently wringing their necks...hey it's a humane way to go!

qofd said...

Dude. Are you sure that javelina is not mexican white trash? Sure sounds like it. Make sure to cleanse the Budweiser out of it's system before roasting just to make sure the meat doesn't get too dry.

Bella said...

DON'T DO IT!!!!!

:) Bella

mckay said...

you'd be a hoot on a campout.

snowelf said...

Man, all we have up here are raccoons! A javelina sounds like much more fun--and props to them--they don't even have little hands!

Enjoy your tasty treat. :)

--snow

Call me Maniac. said...

What do you plan to stuff him with? I say stay with the traditional breadcrumb style, and top him off with some blue cheese.

Raggedy said...

Don't eat them!!!
Yuck...bad....yuck...
Get a turkey...
Turkey is better...
Have a wonderful weekend!
*^_^
(=':'=) huggles
(")_ (")Š from
the Cool Raggedy one

Oh great One said...

After knocking back drinks with them I don't think I could eat it. It would be too close to a pet or worse a pal!

OldHorsetailSnake said...

You're not getting any more sane.

Miss Cellania said...

I have never seen that animal before, even in pictures. So are they rodents or pigs? How big are those in the picture? Commenter Cameron starts out like he's going to explain Javelinas, then quotes Wikipedia on Peccaries and Pigs. I thought a peccary was something like a suppository.

And I thought the possums here were big and ugly!

aCey said...

that's just the craziest thing i've read today, but i love it. you're full of bright ideas, man! haha. :) those animals look scary, by the way.

Sassy Blondie said...

They look so innocent...and yet so evil. I'm torn by my bleeding heart when it comes to animals, and my girly side that is a little scared of them. What to do??

Superstar said...

It's amazing you lived to tell this tall tale!! LOL. I too have seen the "wild boar" they are NOT nice.

~claps hands~
I love traditions.

Palm Springs Savant said...

javelinas galore. yuck..well I smell bacon!!!

good story LBB

Princess Extraordinaire said...

I wonder what we'd all feel like if we were being trapped inside a big crate -- then eaten...yummers...

Amandarama said...

"Taste my pain, bitch". That's such a great line.

BottleBlonde said...

I'm gonna sound like a Nazi PETA clone when I say this, but don't eat the cute, little javelina! I grew up with a pet Vietnamese pot-bellied pig, and I have a soft spot for swine. Eat a politician instead.

Travis Erwin said...

Ummm. Jerky count me in.

Damsel Underdressed said...

What the hell is a javelina?!

Oh, and by the way, Honest John has a blog.

Jamie Dawn said...

Have fun catching one of those creatures.
It sure would make an interesting Thanksgiving dinner. Javelina jerky sounds tasty!!
They look kind of scary in that photo.
I think they might be evil.
DEVIL-eyed, hitonious creatures!!!!!!

Appletini said...

Awww! poor things :)

Ari said...

Awww, don't slay Pancho and Lefty. You know they've got to be gamy anyhow, what with their "musk" glands and all. They wouldn't make it long around here... we've got coyotes.

The Thinking Man's Babe said...

Oh, they're soooo cute!!!!

Spinning Girl said...

Mmm. I would love a PLT right about now. On a toasted bun!

The Wisdom of Wislon said...

Happy Thanksgiving!