This Thanksgiving, I'm reflecting on how thankful I am for all my wonderful readers, their comments and their blogs. Some of us go back almost 3 years now. For these last three years, one of my greatest joys has been reading your works. Your blogs are must-reads, right up there with the editorial columns at Drudge Report.com and Internet porn.
Even after all this time, I feel such excitement when I click on my comments and discover what you guys think. So thanks a million for those, and for being such entertaining writers and good friends. I hope we meet someday. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving and eat way too much good food. Enough of this faggy crap. Here's the Thanksgiving Day Post:
Every Thanksgiving I get to thinking about the Indians. I wonder if they celebrate Thanksgiving. I don’t imagine so. The way I see it, Thanksgiving is like their Pearl Harbor Day -- nothing to celebrate. Let’s just hope Indians don’t retaliate with an atomic bomb like we did! Ah, why worry? They’re way to poluted with "fire water" to split an atom. Good luck, Chief Tumbling Dice!
Being a paleface, I love Thanksgiving. I enjoy the way we celebrate with lots of food. Thanksgiving is the time of year I wish I had 4 stomachs, like a cow. That would be great. As long as I had a crapper near by, I could eat non-stop by circulating my four stomachs. Come to think of it, better throw in a couple extra poop shoots. You don’t want to bottleneck the system. If I break off the bigger part of the wishbone, I’m going to wish for that -- and for my enemies to be in pain, and a bigger penis if the wishbone can get around to it.
I love the kinds of food you find at a Thanksgiving feast. Turkey is traditional fare. Cooked correctly, it’s lean, tender and juicy meat. Some people claim an ingredient in turkey acts as a sedative and induces slumber. I’m skeptical. I account the after-meal drowsiness to stuffing one’s gullet with a lawn bag-full of food, and all the hooch in the egg nog. Here’s a tip for this year’s feast: marinating the turkey in Rock Star and seasoning with crushed No-Doze offsets the drowsiness. After all, you’ll need your wits for those inevitable family fights -- another Thanksgiving staple. I always pocket a shard of wishbone in case I have to stab my drunk uncle in the neck and make a quick getaway. That’s another tip I’d like to share.
I love egg nog, too. Eggs, milk, cream, sugar, and your favorite liquor. It’s chock full of calories. I drank two glasses of egg nog last Thanksgiving and didn’t recover my appetite until Cinco De Mayo. It’s filling stuff. We could nourish the entire continent of Africa with a few pints of egg nog. Happy Kwanza, Kunta Kinte. Drink up. Incidentally, I pride myself on being a non-judgmental person. But if Africans celebrated Christmas instead of Kwanza, God wouldn’t let them starve.
After a huge meal, the family has to unbutton their pants to accommodate full bellies, all except my uncle, a Class 2 sex-offender who remains under court-order not to unbutton his pants within 50 feet of a minor. Unbuttoned pants are the hallmark of a good meal, aren’t they? That, or a really good adult website. I can barely move by Thanksgiving evening on account of my alimentary canal being full of food. But who needs to ambulate when you’ve got all those wonderful Christmas specials on TV? Every time I watch Macaulay Culkin get his genitals caught in the food processor while watching himself in the mirror, I laugh my ass off. “Agggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!” It just keeps getting funnier every year. Some people think it’s the cologne he applies to his face. Not true. This year, pause your TiVo and look at the bottom of the screen. Freggin’ pervert is copulating with a Proctor Silex Salad Pro.
Anyway, I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving this year. Enjoy, Turkey.
And now, for your questions from the previous post:
Please explain life's greatest mystery: the enduring popularity of "America's Funniest Home Videos".
I think it's because AFHV offers the audience something rare in today’s programming: Innocence.
I'm thinking about the shows I love: Weeds, Dexter, Sopranos, Six Feet Under, King of the Hill, Family Guy, American Dad. One glorifies drug use. The other makes a serial killer the protagonist. The third features death and familial dysfunction. The forth celebrates amorality, organized crime and violence -- along with interludes of mental disorders. The others satirize American values and traditional family life.
They're all tremendous shows -- very entertaining -- but they do leave a void, especially if you have children. AFHV fills a niche in the broadcast market. It's harmless fun. It shows families at their best -- laughing, loving each other, enjoying their pets, their homes, their loved ones.
I personally hate it. Always have. But I understand why people watch.
What the hell does "waiting for the other shoe to drop" mean?
The cliché means, another unfortunate event -- sequential in a series -- is pending. I'm not sure from where the idiom derives. I am certain, however, it is unrelated to the condition of waiting for the other testicle to drop. The latter is a good thing when it finally happens.
How can I get my adult, supposedly professional boss to not dribble on the floor when going in our shared, unisex bathroom?
It may surprise you to learn you're suffering God's wrath. God intended two separate bathrooms for the two sexes. Then some busybody cunt won a lawsuit and forced us all into the same crapper. God doesn't give a hang about the ACLU and He answers to no judge. Instead, He miracles men's penises to dribble to and fro when urinating in unisex bathrooms.
I sympathize with you, RM. Can I suggest capri pants or a business-length skirt?
What should I be now that I am an alleged grownup? (Keep in mind I am very lazy...)
Great question! And my answer is, as little as possible. You'll find most of your plans won't work out, anyway. In fact, most of what we plan underwhelms or backfires. Therefore, the less you do, the further along you'll go.
Isn't that great news for us lazy people?
Where did the concept of "bad" words come from? What makes them bad? Why is fornication okay, but not fuck, feces, but not shit, rectum, not asshole, etc. ad infinitum?
I've wondered this myself. I figure it's because people insist that certain things be handled with delicacy -- things like sexuality, the human body and Our Creator.
Refraining from "bad" words is a lot like wearing a yarmulke in a synagogue or removing your shoes before entering a temple or lowering your head in prayer. It has no practical reason. It's a gesture of respect.
Prohibiting words coveys reverence to whatever those words describe. It's a tactic for commanding respect. It may seem arbitrary. It often is. Consider political correctness, which reaches beyond vulgar slang and prohibits innocuous words like: black, Eskimo, lady, gal, illegal alien, retarded, oriental, manpower, etc. NONE of these words indicates malice. Yet some people demonize them. Their intent is to inflate the importance of the object to combat a perceived persecution. It's a game. And that's why it can be so frustrating.
This is a great question, Dan O. I wish I could have done it justice.
Why do people have such a problem with the word midget?
See above, TM.
Enemy of the Republic
Why are some men so selfish in bed?
If you go to bed with a selfish man, you wake up with a selfish lover. And so many women are so willing to do just that!
How high is up?
"Up" is a relative term. So "up" is anything higher than the observer. If you're frying Chicken McNuggets while grease bubbles explode in your face, and the McBoss promotes you to the McRegister, you've taken a step up. On the other hand, if you were the vice president of a sub-prime mortgage broker and after being laid off, you're working the register at McDonald's for McChump-change, you've fallen down a few rungs on The Man's ladder. Relativity at work.
When will it be socially acceptable for women to fart?
You're in luck, MsPuddin. It already is. As long as you're not in an elevator at the time.
Men are practical creatures. We love to hear women fart. Why? If you fart on the first date, you'll fuck on the first date. Hell, you might even be up for a three-way with your hot friend. Just don't break wind during that, missy.
Actually, I was just wondering how the hell the E. Coli gets in our gut in the first place.
Lacking epidemiology credentials, I can only guess. I think E. Coli comes from the swing shift crew at fast food franchises everywhere. They blaze up a fatty, toke up and forget to clean the grill. Thanks for the 3-day vomiting spell, Antwon.
How many sheets of paper can one tree make?
According to the National Society of Paper Products & Textiles: "...if you were to place side-by-side all the 8.5 x 11-inch paper yielded from a mature, healthy oak tree, you'd have enough to cover 90% of Rosie O'Donnell's fat ass."
Is reality confined to what is in principle perceptible to the senses?
Our senses (hearing, sight, touch, taste) are a merger of physics and biology. Reality extends beyond the laws of physics, and it certainly extends beyond the province of biology.
Although I wonder if one's sense of humor encapsulates reality. I'll have to smoke a little more dope before I contemplate that.
Should I continue trying to locate a man who is my equal or better in wit and intelligence, while still remaining fat and sassy, or get costly, annoying gastric bypass surgery (which will do little to lessen the sassiness)?
A woman's fate is to marry beneath her. Abandon all efforts to discover an equal man at once. Instead, seek a man who doesn't infuriate you or nauseate you. If you can find him, consider yourself lucky. You're ahead of 90% of women.
And avoid gastric bypass surgery. I see many GP patients with complications at the clinic. If you insist on surgery, may I suggest breast augmentation?
Supposing I do, is marriage even worth the trouble?
The appealing thing about marriage is, you're going to get laid, even if it's only once in a while. That's reason enough for me!
Will you seriously post about your life o' hell at Osco? Please?
Yes I will. That's a wonderful idea. I can't believe I hadn't thought of it.
If a person reeks for any reason, and appears not to be aware of this... do I tell them? And, if so, how do I go about letting them know?
Ah, I love questions of etiquette. Let me share with you what I find an effective fix for stinky people. I wait for them to begin speaking to me. Then I interrupt them with my raised index finger -- body language for "give me just a minute, please." I then produce a pine tree air freshener from my personal effects and thumbtack it to the odoriferous person's breastbone. I sniff the air and confirm the effectiveness of the air freshener. Finally, I invite the neutralized farm animal to continue: "You were saying, scumbag?"
Why do guys scratch themselves so damn much?
God has a sense of humor. He put body hair in the same places we 1) excrete from and 2) are sexually attracted to. Good one, my Lord! Anyway, whether one goes al-natural or shaves, it's going to itch. My beanbag is shaved as bald as an Abercrombie and Fitch model's chest. It still requires a fly-by scratching once every few minutes. Sorry ladies.
If car A leaves Seattle at 3pm and car B leaves Boston at 5pm at what time do I care?
I suspect you haven't cared since high school algebra class, and I'm doubtful you cared even then!
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
The same reason politicians don't stick to their promises: they're both full of horse shit!
If a vice is a bad habit, what is a versa?
Versa is an Italian broad who, should you fail to keep your distance, will give you the clap. Or as they say in Italian, "Clapella."
What do you do with a perpetual 1-upper?
Two-time them. If it doesn’t work, then three-peat.
If I spin counterclockwise fast enough, can I reverse time?
No. But if you spin cycle, you can achieve orgasm.
What is the square root of -1?
Can you explain the string theory?
String theory postulates that anything worthwhile comes with strings attached.
Would you rather be right or happy?
Being right makes me happy. But being happy feels so right. So I guess either one will do.
When are we going to be allowed to SAY fart, let alone do it!!??
Of course you can say it. We've never held women to account for what they say (Good news, Hillary!), merely how they smell.
Why does Honest Juanita feel it necessary to be right about EVERYTHING?!?!?
We all feel the need to be right. It's human. Unfortunately, finding fault with others is all-too-often how some go about convincing themselves. The lower our self-esteem, the greater the temptation to find fault in others.
At what point did tipping a server 20% become the "norm" and not the "hey you gave me outstanding service" bonus for a job well done?
Roughly the same time engagement rings should cost "2 months' salary."
Just a Girl
Why is daylight saving time not observed in Arizona?
Because we've got enough damn daylight here; we don't need any more!
How important is giving a good blow job in the success of a relationship?
I hope not much. I know I'd be just horrible at those.
Can you purchase tequila with the worm?
I think the worm has gone out of style. Nowadays, they're putting a cucaracha at the bottom of the bottle.
I want a quick easy fix to stop hubby from SNORING!
Nothing cures snoring like a good, spontaneous blowjob. So start sucking. (Hey, Just a Girl: I guess blow jobs ARE important to a relationship.)
How many licks odes it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?
Based on my research, which amounted to an 18 year-old Japanese school girl in a too-small uniform dancing provocatively in front of an Internet camera while licking a Tootsie Pop, I say about 42 strokes, er, uh, 42 licks. Forty-two licks.
Stacey the Peanut Queen
Why is it that in Playboy, all the women are smokin' hot with hardly a flaw...but in Playgirl, I see...um...I mean...I've heard that the male models sometimes can be seen with pimples on their asses.
Women are more forgiving than men, and more tolerant to physical imperfections. Playgirl publishers understand this. Moreover, there is a shortage of unblemished male asses. Any guy who's taken gym class in high school knows this.
The Honey, the hubby, or scrap it all move to someplace warm and start again?
I know what my female readers are thinking: if you have a honey AND a hubby, stay put right where you are! Furthermore, it should be plenty warm between the two of them.
Why are boobs such a fascination for men? I mean, so many of them gain a few pounds and get their own, so does the fascination then shift to themselves?
You know how you love nice eyes, a great smile and a sense of humor in men? Well, that's exactly how we feel about boobs. We see them and our brains broadcast the message: Jackpot!
[Men] are very basic organisms and they spend very little time on the traditional female pursuits of overanalyzing relationships etc. Please clarify for me once and for all that the inside of men's heads are chock full of breasts, pussies and er...what else, if anything?
Why, Emmak. How dare you reduce men to sex-crazed simpletons? You forgot about football, auto repair, beef jerky and action movies. See? We're pretty sophisticated.
By the way, we DO analyze our relationships with women -- in private. But just as we'll never reveal we're lost by asking for directions, we'll never reveal how desperate we are by analyzing our relationship with the broad we're trying to keep banging.
MILF Gone Wild
Are you attracted to older women? If so, you and me babe, how about it?
Why, yes. I love older women so much that I married one.
Have you had a lot of experience with older women and are they better in bed? If you have slept with an older woman are they less of a pain in the arse than some of the younger ones?
Yes, yes and yes. By the way, at 34, you're not the "older woman" just yet. By all means, continue being a young pain-in-the-ass.
What percentage of men think a camel toe/moose knuckle is attractive?
We all feel the same way: we're equally turned on and appalled by it at the same time.