12/10/2007

Bullet-ins

  • I saw a guy wearing a novelty t-shirt that read, "Genius by birth. Slacker by choice." The only thing missing was, "Douche bag by wardrobe."
  • I saw a lady shopping yesterday with a walkie-talkie. Rummaging through the discount rack, she conversed with a man on his CB radio. I eavesdropped on the conversation. Turns out the reason for the walkie-talkie was, her husband was currently co-piloting the space shuttle. No cell phone service up there. Still, Captain Blake Reynolds radioed his wife to go ahead and buy the Old Navy winter fleece pull-over in neon orange. Endeavor, all fleece is half-off. Roger that Houston, we are go for savings.
  • There's a new Fight Global Warming commercial featuring a series of kids each looking into the camera and saying, "Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop..." All right, you li'l' bastards. You want to fight global warming? Let's start by taking away your Nintendo Wiis. Those things are made from petroleum and they waste electricity. You put Mario and Luigi on the chopping block and those kids will shut the hell up. By the way, kids, if we see increased hurricane activity this season, we'll have to confiscate your Tickle-Me-Elmo dolls and bury them. Sorry.
  • The vanity mirror on my car's visor should have a message on the bottom: "Warning: boogers in nostrils are larger than they appear." Boy, that would have saved me some embarrassment at last weekend's office party.
  • I saw a bumper sticker that read "Your SUV is fueled by the blood of a dead soldier." So I pulled along side of him, rolled down my window and asked, "Hey, how many miles-to-the-corpse does your Subaru get?" Honestly, some people are too damn cynical.
  • Professional wrestling is becoming more violent. I can't wait for them to create a wrestler whose trademark move is to light his opponent on fire with lighter fluid and a TASER gun. His uniform could be an LAPD officer and a "kiss the cook" barbeque apron. Only he'd better not steal that cheesy line, "Can you smell what The Rock is cookin'?"
  • I Googled "nothing" and got 68,500,000 websites. Then I Googled "infinity" and got a mere 6.3 million sites. According to Google, "nothing" is ten times bigger than "infinity." This is chick-math. I figure the "nothing" search should have read, "Nothing matches your search criteria. Try refining your search." The "infinity" search should have imploded the universe into itself, ceased time and annihilated existence. Google sucks.
  • I digitized my Mozart CD and played it backwards. At approximately 2:34 into Piano Concerto #23 in B-flat Major, I was able to make out the words, "Beethoven takes it up the butt from Bach."
  • Parents use the Santa Claus myth to bamboozle their children into behaving: He's always watching; if you're bad, no gifts. But the hoax backfired on my parents. After I saw all the presents under the tree, I concluded that I had breathing room to behave even worse next year and still get some pretty good shit at Christmastime. One year I electrocuted my little brother and still got a remote control car and an Atari. That pretty much gave me a license to kill. Cool, Santa grades on a curve!

59 comments:

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Damn...I have a thing for The Rock...he can baste me ANY day. ;)

tornwordo said...

The walkie talkie thing cracks me up when I see it.

Flea's Thoughts said...

I always imagined that Santa had a curve..there were some years I wasn't as nice as the years before he always seemed to come through!!! I figured that or he had memory problems.

Peter said...

Sure glad you were wrong about the result of Googling Infiity.

White Spruce said...

Well, Beethoven did have amazing hair.

Franki said...

I've got a bumper sticker that says, "Nice Hummer. Sorry about your penis."

I feel this is much more appropriate.

jalishouse.wordpress.com said...

I keep reading your blog and making chores for myself. Now I have to google stuff to verify that you really did google stuff, then I'll start hitting links and getting myself distracted.
There goes my morning.

Hammer said...

Those bumper stickers you mention are great. They tell me the driver is an idiot and I should give them plenty of room.

random moments said...

Your poor parents...

Those t-shirts are getting lamer by the second.

Dan O. said...

Even if we ever were at war for oil, so what?

The same people against that are the one's stopping oil drilling in the U.S. because of some caribou or owl or something.

The oil has to come from somewhere, numbfucks.
***
Was that 2:34 from the beginning or the end, since you were playing it backwards? All I heard was "Wolfgang rocks".

Jack K. said...

Santa grades on a curve. Who knew?

I wonder what will happen when the oil runs out?

I'm not sure I know anyone who wants to be "done" by a hummer. That would make any orifice smart a whole bunch. (Pun unintended.)

LMAO

jillie said...

As far as I'm concerned, they can take ALL of those games (nintendo and whatever) and burn them. Never have been a fan of any of them...gee...who woulda thunk?

Good thing I don't have kids...whew!

Little Wing said...

I snorted diet coke out my nose on the S.U.V. sticker response.......
Uhhhhh, yes I drive one.

Oh great One said...

I bet your parents have PTSD don't they? I'm not done raising mine yet I may be right behind them!

Preposterous Ponderings said...

At one time or another we have all had a "cliffy' hanging from our noses.

What sucks is that we always have them while in public.

R.E.H. said...

"Slacker By Choice"... and how is that impressive? ;)

I used to love listening to music backwards... you can always make up some funny shit doing that ;)

EmmaK said...

I think I am Slacker By Birth..but genius too. It's a very tough road to hoe ;)

Tequila Mockingbird said...

my mazda is fueled by my sarcasm and blood alcohol level.

i, too, am looking foward to TASER "professional" wrestling. i actually asked santa for a TASER. we will see if i've been a good girl this year.

MsPuddin said...

Hmm maybe if you taser Beethoven in the ass you might get a cool bumper sticker or walkie talkie for xmas…

And I agree about the kids and those damn video games. We are probably more likely to experience violence from a 12-year-old before we die from global warming…

Superstar said...

What do you mean santa isn't real? WHAT? What do you mean he won't come if you are naughty...

I am being naughty so Santa should be leaving me something EXTRA inmy stocking!!!!
hehehehe

Yeah that walkie talkie thing KILLZ me....

Cynic with Flair said...

I hate, with the hate of a thousand suns, people who have stupid sayings on t-shirts. It's as bad as bumperstickers. To me, it seems weasel-ly. Just say what you mean, in person, to people, instead of being a douche bag and putting it on your shirt!

As for Santa, parents have to use all the tricks they have. It's a dirty business.
Good post, LBB,
Cynic

Bella said...

I cannot stand those darn walkie talkie/phone things. I really don't care about listening to other peoples crap.

mckay said...

..."His uniform could be an LAPD officer and a "kiss the cook" barbeque apron."

don't make me spit out my evening cocktail due to laughter. this is the diet you prescribed.

p.s. i love the word 'cocktail'. it's classy and naughty at the same time.

ZenDenizen said...

Wow your re-design is...dramatic!

Appletini said...

You googled "nothing" ? ...You have WAY too much extra time on your hands :p

Honest John said...

my work here is done...thank you and good night.

Yo Momma said...

Beethoven takes it up the butt from Bach."

I KNEW IT!

The Sports Mama said...

Love, love, love the new design! :)

Hammad said...

Big Butt! Your Http://www.blogger just ate my comment! I hope it behaves this time!~

I guess that would become garbage by coffin further up..

Hehehe, women ALWAYS buy what THEY want to, yet they pretend to ask men even if poor men have gone hiding on Jupiter!

Yaaay! New source of Petrol discovered!! ( That's me thinking by Honest brain I guess :D)

Oh Oh! & To that punchline I guess the answer would be something like " Oh I smell potatoes.. er.. toes.. uh huh muscles in their jackets cooking"

NO no no no.. Google is right By Jove! Nothing is greater than Infinity!

Santa grades on curve! gee its worse than the inverted pyramid of Indian economy!

Mona said...

OOPS! That was me big butt!

Someone screwed up my settings!!!

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

New digs, huh?

Niiiice! :)

Burgh Baby's Mom said...

I'm pretty sure walkie-talkies are redneck cellphones. I see them everywhere when we are stupid enough to wander across the border into West Virginia.

Memphis Steve said...

This stuff is genius. You make me ashamed of my laziness for not working harder on my blog. And damn you for that!

Christina_the_wench said...

Dude, I have missed you. LMAO

Samantha_K said...

I don't put any gifts out until Christmas Eve. My kids are freakin' angels.

LOL.

Actually, I do wait til Christmas Eve to put the presents out, but mainly b/c I don't want them destroyed beforehand by a 2 year old, a 4 year old, and a cat that climbs the Christmas tree.

And we try not to perpetuate the Santa myth.

~gkw said...

Please don't tell my 3 year old daughter that Santa grades on a curve.... She wouldn't just get paint on the floor next year, she'd paint the table, the chairs, her sisters and then tie me and my wife up and put tatooes on us!! Scary!!! The only thing we have is the treat of Santa's reprisal!!

Call me Maniac. said...

Hey, LBB. Another great post. The Mozart remark cracked me up out loud.

Well, I like your new design OK, no problem there, but it seems you've abandoned something that your old design had and which I really enjoyed: an irreverence for design which gave it a rebellious look. Anyway, my two cents. Keep up the great posting, dude.

Sassy Blondie said...

Thank you for this, LBB! Made my shitty day brigther! XOXO

Janis said...

You trip me out.

Stepping Over the Junk said...

Isn't google AMAZING????!!!!

I don't have to threaten about Santa, I just have to take away television...my kids are easy.

Dude, what does "Hot Soup" mean? Is that a good thing?

Damsel Underdressed said...

You electrocuted your little brother?! Is he alive?

I like the new header and yay! I'm hot soup! Thanks, Bug! (What is hot soup, exactly?)

Ari said...

Next season on RAW: "Can you smell what the Rock is... DON'T TASE ME BRO!!!!"

I, too, am obsessed with whether or not I'm hot soup. Can I be tomato? Then I can be a hot tomato! (soup)

K, time for bed.

Lyvvie said...

I've been accused of denying my children an essential part of childhood by telling them Santa isn't real from the beginning. I've never lied to my kids about Santa, never said the "If you don't go to bed now Santa won't come! If you don't behave Santa won't leave you presents!" because it's highly manipulative and will come back to bite the parent in the ass one day. I've taught the history of St. Nicholas, and the spirit of giving, instead (I'm not a total grinch, ya ken)

But you know what: they choose to believe in Santa despite my assurances that *I* am Santa and they offer me pity instead. Fuckin' kids.

Mo said...

The Santa thing worked on both my sister and myself. I was so disappointed when I found out that I'd be lied to all those years and that I could've been doing some really fun and really bad shit all along.

someoneswife said...

I asked that whole hot soup question and didn't get an answer til one of LBB's friends emailed me... aparently it is a way to let LBB know when we have recently posted something on our blogs....No new posts? No hot soup...That's all, bye! Hugs, Dawn

Scottsdale Girl said...

Pretty new digs mister

JINKS said...

you have fantastic sense of humor.
But you know that. enjoy your blog.

The Kept Woman said...

Miles to the corpse...funny shit, Maynard, I like that.

Little Wing said...

A friends daughter age seven, told me she didn't believe in Santa, but please don't tell her mama, because her mama still believed.
Out of the mouths of babes!

Jack K. said...

Whoa!!


Like the new look.

Dave Morris said...

SHIT, I hate those Nextel things. What makes anyone think I want to hear both sides of their conversation? It's more fun to hear one side, and make up what the other person is saying.

As for Santa, I have no idea. But fictional characters are fun! One of my favorite things to do is tell other people's kids that the TOOTH FAIRY generally leaves fifty bucks. Nothing more fun than screwing with parents.

Enemy of the Republic said...

Miles to the corpse...damn, you need your own talk show! I laughed out loud at my work computer, so now they all know that I blog.

Love the new heading!

Uncle Keith said...

Wouldn't it be cool if you could really fuel your car on blood? We wouldn't have to fuel it with the blood of our soldiers. We could wipe out more of the other countries' soldiers, and use their blood. Then we wouldn't have to worry about fighting them later, and we could still get lots of cheap fuel.

Loving Annie said...

The Rock, now that he is getting divorced, can do anything he wants to me while wearing that apron :)

You crack me up as usual. Why aren't you doing stand-up on national TV ? I swear, the best monologues ever !

Loving Annie said...

P.S. Does that mean Honest John won't be bugging you anymore ? whoo-hoo !
Hmmmm, maybe it was HIM wearing that novelty t-shirt :)

OldHorsetailSnake said...

It's okay. I didnt need your brother to tell me you are loonier than a loon.

Jahooni said...

You are too much! addicting for sure. As for the whole Santa thing... my daughter is 7 and I think she is milkn' it BIG TIME! She must know the truth or maybe she doesn't. Heck maybe there really is a Santa Clause. Let me get another beer and think this one over ;-)

Becky said...

I like the new look. I got my hubby a shirt for christmas, it says, "I am the white man that's been bringing you down." I had to get it for him.

The Thinking Man's Babe said...

Great stuff, per usual. Although, the SUV bumper sticker does give me pause. I realize now why Ron Paul supports drilling in the arctic wildlife preserves - we can't have it both ways. However, actually, truth be told, there's technology out there that where we wouldn't need to use so much oil, however, we're not using it because, you know, there's a lotta folks making a lotta money on selling oil. Yikes, went on a tangent. Love your stuff.