12/18/2007

Bullet-ins

  • Celine Dion is retiring from her Las Vegas gig. People watch her and see a gifted singer, a marvelous performer and a remarkable rags-to-riches story. I watch her and think, Wow, she's got the smallest cans of any Las Vegas performer in history. I want my money back.
  • Why do we stereotype gay men with having limp wrists? I would think their wrists are the strongest, most rugged structure on the human body, what with all the tug jobs and hair styling.
  • I wish we could buy food and merchandise directly from the shipping trucks as they roll down the highway. I drove past a Whataburger truck today. The picture on the trailer looked appetizing. So I pulled along side him and shouted out my window, "Hey Pedro. I got a five-spot in my wallet. How about you toss me one of those chicken sandwiches and a large fries? And hurry, will you? A Sears truck just pulled up on my left and I need to buy my kid a Wii." Also, I think they should develop in-drive refueling. It would work like in-flight refueling systems for fighter jets. When you're running low on gas, you click open your fuel door and drive by a Mobile truck. He shoots the hose over...clink. Then you gas-up on the go make it to work on time. Yo, Maverick and Goose. Fill'er up with 87-octane.
  • The people who complain that Christmas is too commercial are the same people who complain when Christians return the holiday to its roots: the celebration of the birth of Jesus. Instead of parsing, why don't these people admit they hate Christmas, Jesus and America; then they can be free to be the communist buttholes they long to be.
  • Does "across the fruited plain" mean the USA, or just San Francisco?
  • Speaking of San Francisco, the mayor wants to impose a tax on sugary drinks. If San Francisco really wants to raise revenue, it ought to tax protein drinks (rimshot!).
  • I read in the news today that Iranian police have closed down 24 Internet cafes. I was shocked -- not at the encroachment on Iranian citizens' freedom, but that Iran has at least 24 working computers!

60 comments:

Becky said...

OMG, I am the first to comment! This is a first...

I totally agree about the people that bitch and moan about christmas being too commercialized. We all agree, yes it's too commercialized, but they're the retards that just say it over and over again and act like jack asses about it, like they know something we all don't know.

snowelf said...

Omg...you poor thing...now that I'm caught up on your computer story, I really wish I had been there to replace your fan. I had to laugh because I had a eMachine and I got it for FREE with one of those Best Buy instant rebates and a 1 year sign up for Prodigy! Too funny!!

That protein drink thing was priceless! Where I live, they should tax beer, brats, deer meat, and mountain dew.

--snow

christopherc said...

Celine is rags to riches...have you seen her hubby? She just married the right dude for cash and success and happened to have just enough talent to get it to all stick. LOL

I think the fruited plain refers to the entire USA, as a map with every disco ball and techno cd acting as a point of reference.

-C

Mona said...

Celine Dion is my favorite songstress! & I am wondering what has cans to do with a song.. want to see cans then you went to the wrong place!

I guess gay men do that deliberately to appear like delicate darlings!

We do we do have such sales going on In India. The truck men are at least selling things from their load & making money on the sly...

Merry Christmas... for whatever reason

US running short of sugar? By all means, take it from India.. we are so sweet !:)

Jeannie said...

I hate Celine Dion - she has developed a shriekiness over the years - I think because she really needs to eat.

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

I liked Celine's older stuff...haven't heard anything new....and I just happen to LOVE her because I think she may be the only other woman on the planet with boobs smaller than mine. ;)

random moments said...

*clapping* Thank you for saying what you did about the Grinches that think Christmas is too commercialized. How can you not love Christmas? Whores.

RoxRocks said...

Phew! I'm glad I don't hate Christmas this week! (Don't read last weeks' posts. I was a little hormonal!)

Celine Dion is the most embarassing thing to come out of Canada since Mike Reno and his skintight red leather pants in 1980. Now that she's done in Vegas, she will be releasing a new album. Sorry world.

jali said...

I say tax coffee drinks and make a million!

Oh great One said...

First, I've never liked Celine. What's with her air guitar routine these days? She's been making the rounds on all sorts of shows. She looks dorky.

You slay me LBB. You are a clever clever guy.

ZenDenizen said...

I can't believe Celine managed to have such a long time standing gig in Vegas.

ADW said...

Protein Drinks!!! You crack me up.

jillie said...

Well I couldn't be happier Celene is retiring AGAIN. She makes me want to vomit to tell you the truth. I don't think she's that talented nor is she worth looking at. 2nd, if they are referring SF to the fruited plane, it should be Calif...the land of fruits and nuts. Why is it the food never looks as good as the ad? Well, I guess that's advertisement for you....cheers to ya!

honest john said...

never mind these pukes...please...what does Lawrence Buford Buchanan have to say on the subject?! How can he humiliate himself (errr I mean LBB) on this post! I'm at the edge of my seat, nude in my mom's basement clutching my limp penis of course. Please LBB (errr...I mean Lawrence Buford Buchanan) enlighten us.

Call me Maniac. said...

I always get depressed when Christmas is over, like, in mid January. Even into February I am wistful. Seems this Season happened upon us fairly quickly, and that I was depressed only a "few months ago" when last Christmas Season was over. I think it's called aging.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

celine dion DOES have small cans. but i dont think her having a big rack would make her less annoying. perhaps if she was a mute, but even then she'd find some way to move her hands in a way that a)annoys me and b) does not turn me on.

Preposterous Ponderings said...

Celine is the best singer ever!!!!!


She needed that big voice to make up for her tiny titties.

Samantha_K said...

I always think you're funny, but today...today was good. I was lol-ing all over the damn place.

Jahooni said...

You are too funny!!! I wish I lived in your head... how fun would that be?! TONS
Between Celin and San Fransicso my tummy hurts from laughing!

katie said...

oh, i just knew ponderings would be defending her favorite singer!! hehe ;) very cool blog, lightening bug. i've enjoyed readin your stuff!

EmmaK said...

I never even noticed Celine's small tits I always noticed her rather unattractive face. The amount of times people must have said to her "What's with the long face?" and she'd have to reply "Oh I'm not upset, that's what I always look like." You'd think with her cash she could afford to have a couple of inches shaved off her horsey face.

Memphis Steve said...

"Instead of parsing, why don't these people admit they hate Christmas, Jesus and America; then they can be free to be the communist buttholes they long to be."

This is the kind of thinking that will get you your own syndicated column somewhere. After that, you can write books saying the same stuff and make a fortune. Then, next thing you know, you're on TV debating with Al Franken and eating caviar and drinking wine from Paris Hiltons' vajayjay while Rosie O'Donnell calls you 'a greater threat to democracy than Islam.'

SignGurl said...

The limp wrist comment almost made me pee my pants!

Your ideas on the in-drive refueling are going to make you billions! The possibilities are endless.

Crazy Me said...

Never have liked Celine. She bugs me for some reason but I don't think it's because of her boobs. LOL!

Appletini said...

I never really liked Celine Dion much...it would be AWESOME if we could purchase directly from the shipping trucks!

Fantastagirl said...

I spit my water on the screen and keyboard over the limp wrist comment - darn it - water and electronics don't mix...

Little Wing said...

Oh sure, LBB make fun of my state!!!!!!!!
On the bright side, the cops will be stopping good drivers to reward them with coupons good at Starbucks.
I was thinking how funny it would be, now that we know, if we see a cop pulling us over and we are all happy waiting for our free coupon and instead we get a traffic ticket!
Or how about if some dude is being pulled over for good driving and THINKS he is getting a ticket (because he is running drugs to Mexico) so he takes off and creates one of our famous cop chases.
God I crack myself up.
Great post, LBB!!!!
Pouring more red wine....

Yo Momma said...

RIMSHOT!!!
hahahahahahahahaha!

Muze said...

lmao! this is too funny.

Speaking of San Francisco, the mayor wants to impose a tax on sugary drinks. If San Francisco really wants to raise revenue, it ought to tax protein drinks (rimshot!).

ha!

i love reading blogs that make me laugh out loud. yours is one of them. lol.

and hey, don't down the 'small cans'...we need love too! what's funny is when i lived in atlanta i was asked to work at hooters. i looked at them like uhh, are you serious? don't you have to have hooters to work here? lol.

Muze said...

and awwww. i feel special. i've been added to the blogroll. *cheesy smile*

*~*Cece*~* said...

She does have small boobs huh?

CarmenSinCity said...

I'm ready to see Celine go! Out with the old, in with the new. And by new, apparently I mean Bette Midler because that's who is replacing her :)

The Thinking Man's Babe said...

You're too much fun. That said, though, the roots of Christmas are firmly entrenched in the rich soils of paganism, truth be told.

R.E.H. said...

I love the "drive-by shopping" idea, as well as the refueling idea (that one in particular would help me out a lot - I hate stopping for gas... especially now that it's freakin' cold out there).

I've never reflected upon Celine Dion's lack of jugs... I just never found her attractive enough to look long enough ;)

tornwordo said...

The flat chested Celine remark made me laugh.

Hot Soup said...

Those reach-arounds build strong muscles.

Mo said...

Dude, it took me like 30 seconds to get the protein drink joke. I'm a little slow this morning.

luckysevn said...

And I remember you... I'm flattered! Consider yourself part of the reason I returned to the world of blogging... I needed a good laugh!

Franki said...

Are cans boobs or tushes? With Celine, I guess it's both.

KelBel said...

Oh, it has been way too long since I've been here! You had me laughing ridiculously in my brand new office. It was only a matter of time before my new co-workers figured out I was little crazy! Write on LBB...

KelBel said...

I am here/there... and you probably thought I had fallen off the face of the earth. Ok, so maybe you hadn't thought about me at all... but I'm here!

MsPuddin said...

I know right! All that money Celine is making and she can’t take the time to fix her nose, teeth or boobs!

And as long as they don’t start taxing alcohol we are good. But it is going to suck when my chaser is more expensive than my vodka…

KelBel said...

Came to OR for work but have been trying to get up here forever! I love the Pacific NW. No, I have resigned as part of the Texas Mafia bloggers... now I must reinvent myself. Oregon Mafia just doesn't sound as tough.

Superstar said...

I really don't like Celine much. She has the most awesome slow song voice in the world...but PPPAAAALLLLLLEase stop singing about co-dependance and death! JESH!

San Fran needs to tax more people so they can pay for the San Diego fires...I just sayin' since the govenator won't give up his millions...LOL ;o)

Christmas, Commercial?!?!?!?!?! HAHAHAHAH NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
YOu don't say.
If we didn't all want to make a buck we would celebrate the birth of Christ in March which is when historians say he was actually born.

Random Musings Of My Life said...

well said

OldHorsetailSnake said...

"..tax protein drinks" .... World class, chum.

Dave Morris said...

I threw up a little in my mouth on the protein drink thing... then spit it at my computer monitor on the Iranian computers thing.

Long story short, I will need Windex and Lavoris because of you. Thanks, pal.

Christina_the_wench said...

When you said 'fruited' I got bad visuals of bananas and orifices and oh god, I have to stop now.

Thank you for that. *cringes*

Open Grove Claudia said...

erm... Are you saying that straight guys don't pull? Maybe gay guys don't need to do a pull as much? I saw a vid from the Breaking Benjamin manager about all the pulling that goes on the road. yay.

BTW, Iran is a very cool place. Best fly fishing in the world. You'd be surprised at how westernized it is. Great universities. Makes you wonder why you never see that on the news, eh?

Bennet said...

I can't say I hate Jesus, but indeed annoyed with the heavy Christmas corporate bullshit.

Don't hate America, even though it's like my race, I had no choice of being born here although many other countries do seem to have more freedom , and better economics then America currently.

Merry Christmas...

Little Wing said...

Merry Christmas LBB and Happy Birthday Jesus!

IDigHootchAndCootch said...

the burger shipping truck reminded me of a story.

I was getting my hair cut. Across the street I saw a delivery truck pull in the burger joint. The delivery man opens the back and walks inside the burger joint. A shady looking character approaches the delivery truck, steps inside and runs out with a massive container. He walks across the street and enters the place where I was getting my hair cut and says "hey, do any one of you guys wanna buy this container of pickles".

In retrospect, buying a massive container of pickles would have been pretty neat

Breazy said...

Stopping by to wish you and yours a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

HUGS!

Miss Cellania said...

Obviously, you've never bought furniture off a truck. Nor should you.

Hammer said...

Limp but supple?

Protien drinks, damn that would be a revenue maker!

shoshana said...

I'm all for indrive refueling, but why not have a full fuel service at McDonalds or Starbucks? Think of all the revenues it will bring!

And it has an added bonus of conviniently setting your burger on fire if it taste like crap again.

Palm Springs Savant said...

personally I'm glad Celene Dion is leaving vegas. I'm over her and reaqdy for the divine Miss M to replace her!

Stepping Over the Junk said...

On Celine Dion...THANK GOD.

Anonymous said...

the fruited .. SF I think ...

Iran is one of the most BLOG-active nations in the world, a majority of whom are women, and many of whom are gay ... there are crack-downs and poeple must be careful, but the blogging continues ... shocked by computers in Iran ... where on earth DO Yanks get their info about the rest of the world?

Ari said...

In regard to that last comment, speaking as a Texan (can't claim the title "Yank" -- they won't let me back into the Republic) abroad typing this in an internet cafe, we get our world info from... from.... probably from the Daily Show.