5/08/2007

Bullet-ins again

  • I'm still waiting to for a serial killer whose modus operandi is loitering at the top of skyscrapers and dropping pennies on innocent passers-by.
  • Every restaurant needs a novelty. I want to open a submarine sandwich shop that's shaped like an actual submarine. The jukebox will be the "sonar." The special sauce will be "seaman," and the restrooms will be known as "torpedo rooms."
  • The cliche, "Nothing is as good as bad as it seems" is true - especially with naked women. Think about that, guys.
  • I read that Paris Hilton has been sentenced to 45 days in jail. It's about time she paid her debt to society for that album she released.
  • Unless it contains lettuce, it shouldn't be called salad. Lettuce is what makes a salad a salad. It's not potato salad. It's potato product or potato casserole or whatever. It's not fruit salad. It's just a bowl of fruit. Salads must have leaves of some kind. Of course, by that rationale, a burger with lettuce could be a "hamburger salad." Also, Adam's genitals would be a "junk salad," what on account of the fig leaf.
  • Whenever I think of England, I like to close my eyes and think of 60 million Simon Cowels living there. What a lovely place that would be. And if I really want to smile, I imagine those 60 million Simons kicking the crap out of Ryan Seacrest all at the same time.
  • Technology keeps getting cheaper and gasoline keeps getting more expensive. By my calculations, in 18 months a plasma television will be cheaper than filling a Lincoln Navigator. Even now, gasoline is cheaper, ounce per once, than the wine I drink. And that Ripple ain't cheap, people.
  • Why does France make all the cool words? Coup d'etat, crĂ‹me brulee, bayonet, guillotine, resume... all cool French words. Here's a peculiarity: the words "surrender," "condescend" and "odor" do not derive from French. How can that be?

5/01/2007

3-drink mini bar

Breathe

Why are people reminding me to “breathe?” Moreover, why are they telling me how to breathe? “We've forgotten how to breathe effectively. Take deep, slow breaths from the abdomen.”

Nonsense. Every one of us has breathed since the doctor cracked us on our baby asses. Breathing is a physiological function. It's automatic, and we're all good at it (except David Hasselhoff, who's too busy sucking in his gut for Baywatch fans). This “breathe” motto is more New Age crackpot buffoonery.

Next, they'll tell I'm no good at defecating, despite having done that all my life (except for 5 days after a fondue cheese incident back in 1998). I dread the day advocates encourage us to defecate. Some hippie's Prius will feature a “defecate” bumpersticker. New Age gurus will instruct me to “bear down with deep, abdominal squeezes and propel the turd downward all the way from your diaphram.”

We all know how to breathe, dammit!


Gearheads

You don't see as many gearheads as you used to. The reason is, muscle cars are disappearing. Two decades of rice-burners have driven the old muscle cars to near-extinction. When I was in high school, a 20-year-old car was manufactured in the 1960s. Keeping a car around for 20 years is no big deal. Therefore you had plenty of 1960s muscle cars in the 1980s. I had one myself. But 20 more years have passed. Now, muscle cars would have had to survived 40 years. That's a tall order. Consequently, not many people own muscle cars anymore. No muscle cars, no gearheads. Now all we have are the Fast-and-Furious-Fags with their rice-burners and their barbwire arm tattoos and their perfect hairdos. Instead of calling new sports cars “rice-burners,” we should call them “hair gel-burners.” Or better yet, “fag wagons.”


Blowing the Red Light

Every so often we drivers slow down at a yellow light for fear of blowing the red light, only to see somebody in the next lane zip through. Often, they were even farther back than us, yet they still blow the light -- and nothing bad happens. Then, while we sit and wait, we watch that maniac drive merrily down the street. Nothing makes me feel like a bigger chump than that. We could have blown the light, too, if only we were man enough, like that one guy. No cops in sight. I'm such a chump!

I like to make myself feel better by calling the police on my cell phone and reporting the guy who blew the light, giving the car's make, model and license plate, and mentioning that in addition to the driver's recklessness, I may have seen him brandishing a firearm. With any luck, I'll see that same driver ahead, on the side of the road, being beaten by police nightsticks. Who's the chump now?