7/30/2007

Ask and ye shall receive, Part Two

Crazy Me asks:

If you could change one thing about your life, what would you change?


Wow, starting with a tough one. I’ll assume this one thing is something I’d like to change, but can’t. I’d change my hatred for work into a love for work. After all, it appears that work is the stuff life is made of! How happy workaholics must be!



Sikamikanico asks:

What's a joke you'd consider "going too far/too poor taste" to put in a bullet-in?

Nothing is off-limits as long as my intention is humor, and as long as I believe it’s funny. If I catch myself writing something whose primary purpose is to incite, express a personal opinion, a political viewpoint, etc., then I’ll delete it. A lot of what I write does incite, offend, express my opinions; I write with reckless abandon. But with every post, I hope to make people laugh and enjoy themselves. I’ll go to whatever lengths necessary to accomplish this, even if it’s potentially offensive.


Blogarita asks:

You rarely write about your wife and kid. Is that because you love them, or because they aren't funny?

Oh, they’re funny alright. But my blog is public, and I get the heebie jeebies when I consider exposing my family to the public. It’s a privacy matter.


NWJR asks:

* How did someone so young get to be so conservative?

* I'd like to hear more about your job. You've only dropped hints about your employer, but you appear to work in the medical field.

* Who put the ram in the ramma-lamma-ding-dong?


I have some fundamental believes that incline to conservatism. And by the way, I’m not so young (36). I have faith in capitalism. Conservatives embrace capitalism. I look at the incredible wealth this country creates (however unfairly distributed, the vast majority of us have plenty more than we need!) This didn’t happen by accident or sheer luck. Capitalism is the engine behind this unprecedented economic powerhouse. It brings out the best in us, and yes, sometimes, the worst in us. I lack faith in big-government/socialist ambitions. However well intentioned, they fail. The past is rife with well-intentioned governments that squander wealth, waste resources and crush enterprise. Look at Social Security. It’s a choice example. I have a cynical view of man’s nature (maybe you’ve picked up on that). So I believe in a strong, ready military. The world is chock full of bad guys who would love to loot our wealth, seize our liberty and oppress our people. No amount of negotiation, introspection, humility, discourse or Live Earth concerts will dissuade tyrants. They speak one language: force. There's more, but these are some BIG reasons I trend conservative.

My job? I’m an X-ray technician. I have been for 13 years. I’m not in love with the work itself, but for the past 3+ years I’ve worked for a wonderful employer who treats me like gold. Great hospital in Phoenix. By the way, NWJR, the reason I’ve been so busy and my blog posts have been hit-and-miss is because I’m enrolled in massage therapy school. I hope to be a successful MT by the beginning of next year.

As for who put the ram in the ramma-lamm-ding-dong, nobody can be sure. But I’ll bet it was an adolescent male, on the cusp of puberty, who had an evening home alone.


Stacy, PQ ask:

First, PQ, I can’t access your blog. I’ve tried like 100 times.

*Besides sex and writing, what other stuff do you like to do in your spare/free time?


I enjoy time with my family, exercise (I have gym membership and a home gym), eating (every meal is spectacular; I deny myself nothing when it comes to food), drinking diet soda, drinking alcoholic beverages, reading nonfiction, SOCOM 3, and surfing the net on my Mac.

* How old were you when you lost your virginity?

16

* Do you have any siblings?

Yes, a brother, 33.

* If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?

If money were no object, Hawaii, with winters at a posh ski lodge somewhere in the US. I have no desire to live in or even visit foreign countries.


Mo asks:

Where can I get a copy of that half nekkid pic of you?

It was a book promo that has since been destroyed. However, you can catch the live act on Thursday evenings at The Manhole Tavern.

Are you writing another book?

Yep. I almost have enough material for a 3rd book. I may collect everything I’ve ever written and throw it all into one, big paperback. I’ll call it, The Big Book of Lightning Bug’s Butt.


Peter asks:

How spontaneous are your funny posts? do you have files of jokes 'n funny stuff or are you just a natural screwball?

Spontaneous? Yes and no. I carry a digital voice recorder with me. I always keep in my car because many of my ideas strike while I’m driving. Driving puts me in a trance conducive to odd, funny little observations and some profound thinking, too. In fact, I just bought a new recorder because my last one failed after 3 years of constant use! So, the ideas are spontaneous, but I collect them in the recorder and then develop and polish them at the keyboard. On rare occasions, I’ll have a drink at sit at the keyboard just to see what comes up. Often, it works.


Spinning Girl asks:

Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?

I’m just winging it here. I’m not sure, but as long as they’re not vultures circling overhead, I’ll take the company!


Shoshana asks:

*Except for publishing on Lulu, have you tried to get your book to a publisher?


No. I can’t imagine anyone would publish what I write. And even if they did, unless I first do something notorious, how would they ever discover me?

*How long have you been married, and how many children do you have?

Eleven years. One daughter, and one adult stepdaughter.


Amandarama asks:

*What made you move to where you live today?

My folks moved us out here when we were kids. I’m in love with Tucson, the weather, the mountains, the town, the relatively low taxes and living expenses.

*Also, if you could commit one crime and get away with it what would it be?

Felony embezzlement.


Elaine writes:

What the most creative way to pleasure yourself with fruit?

1) Soak fruit innards in vodka, rum or your favorite liquor,
2) Eat fruit.


Scottsdale Girl asks:

Flavored or Tingly Lube?

My Toyota Owner’s Manual recommends 5-30W. But confined to your options, I’d go with tingly.


Little Wing asks:

*At what time will I magically become a long term reader?

It’s not a number, LW. It’s a state of mind.

*Have you ever used illegal drugs?

Yes. Marijana. But only a couple of times.


Jenny asks:

Chocolate or Vanilla?

If I have the chance, I’ll swirl them. But pinned to a choice, chocolate.


Queen of Dysfunction asks:

Where did you get the name for your blog?

When I first started blogging, I wrote at eBloggy under the name “Pontificate or Perish.” But when I switched to Blogger I had to change my name so that all the promoting I did would lead others to THIS blog. I thought for a while. I thought about how I write and the style of my blog: little blurbs and bullet marks and quips. Suddenly I pictured a lightning bug flashing from a distance in the night. That’s how I wanted my blog to be: little flashes of insight in the dark that guide readers closer and closer. Hypnotic.


CacaBoy asks:

*If Hillary Clinton becomes president, how many toppings do you get on your pizza?

Given her political convictions, I suspect no more than anybody else.

*Anyway....If a bear craps in the woods do you think he wipes if no one was looking?

Most can BEARLY reach, so I doubt they wipe in any event.


Tornwordo asks:

How and at what age did you discover your own ability to reach orgasm?


I discovered it “conventionally” at the age of 12. At the precise moment, Cheap Trick’s “She’s Tight” was playing on the radio. To this day, that song elicits heavy emotions for me.


Palm Springs Savant asks:

1) What are your preferred types of underwear and do you vary based on your mood?

I’m always in the mood for boxer/briefs. Strange, because I don’t like boxers or briefs. Mix the two together, and you’ve got magic. In this way, boxer/briefs are like Hall & Oats.

2) What is the most unusual food you have ever eaten and did you enjoy it?

Barracuda steak. Yes.

3) If you had just one day left to live, how would you spend it?

In quiet solitude, reflecting on my life, trying to conjure and enjoy as many memories as I could. Oh, and I’d be drunk and eating a Rosati’s Pizza.

4) If you had a time machine and could go and come back, what time would it be?

I’d go back to the creation of the universe. I’d love to learn how that whole thing came about!


Chunks asks:

Have you ever been to Canada? If so, where? If not, why not?

No. Canada seems charming enough, but I have a phobia of other countries. I don’t suspect I’ll ever step foot in a foreign land.


Lyvvie asks:

Do you still have that picture of you with your book? Because I forgot to copy it and make it my screensaver.

See above.

Twinkies or Susie-Qs?

Twinkies. Just today, I was just thinking about my frist Twinkie. I swear I still remember it. Blew my 4 year-old mind away.


Ari asks:

1) Have you ever considered or actually performed standup comedy?

Yes, I’ve considered it. I’m pretty good on my feet. Maybe I’ll get drunk and hit an open-mic night one day. It can’t be any more embarrassing than karaoke!

2) What are your top ten bands of all time?

Beatles
ELO
U2
The Cure
Smashing Pumpkins
Dave Clark Five
The Rolling Stones
The Bee Gees
Duran Duran
The Who


3) Describe a much-revisited fantasy of yours.

I often fantasize about visiting myself in the past, regaling myself with my life so far, and recommending some changes here and there.


Heather asks:

Which readers would you most like to meet in person?

What a fun question to answer. Well, YOU, Heather, of course. Maybe we could even talk Sharon into coming. Also:

NWJR, but to assure both of us we wouldn’t kill the other, we’d have to do it in a public place.
Tornwordo
Dave from Dave’s Window. I’d love to meet Dave.
Riss.
Ari.
Peanut Queen
Web Mistress
Lyvvie
And of course, the estranged Latigo Flint


And, if I get you a job in the cath lab, will you move to Texas?

Funny you should ask, Heather. I’ve been dreaming about Texas for a while. I don’t know if I could handle cath lab, though. Too many docs around. Too much time on one’s feet, sterile, in a lead vest. How about a nice, cushy 3rd shift CT gig?


Midas asks:

What do you consider annoying in real life and in blogging?


In life? The laws of diminishing returns and reversed effort. Both are very real phenomena and both kick in quickly. In blogging? My own grammatical and spelling errors. Oh, and unruly word processors.

7/26/2007

Ask and ye shall receive

Help me write my next post.

Ask me anything you'd like. What's on your mind? What have you been dying to know? Ask.

Feel free to be clever, serious, witty, sincere, outrageous, profound, simplistic or just plain nosey. All questions are welcome, but I'd most love to hear from my long-term readers.

I'll give you my best answers to your questions. I'll publish your question and my answer in followings posts.

Looking forward to the inquiries!

Your friend,

LBB

7/18/2007

Bullet-ins

*Ryan Seacrest is so gay, if you pushed a Playboy Magazine against his forehead, it would catch fire.

*I’d like to see the contestants on Hell’s Kitchen fuck with the judge. For instance, tasked with duck d’lorange, a contestant might adorn several Chicken McNugges with an orange slice and a side of sliced potato l’grease (french fries). Really try to sell it: I took the flesh of the bird, partitioned it, breaded each morsel, lightly seasoned them and deep fried them golden-brown. They come accented with orange fruit and your choice of soda and small, medium or large fries. Then, when Gordon Ramsay objects, pelt him with McNuggets until he whimpers.

*When did we declare war on trans-fats? How bad can they be? We’ve been eating them for decades. The Food Crusaders warn that trans-fat is a killer. Their studies claim that if you eat 6 Oreos per day for 3 consecutive weeks, your heart will spontaneously explode, killing you and everybody within a 20-foot radius. And what does “trans” mean? Did it transform from a vegetable or a granola bar to become an evil fat? Maybe we need to invent an Optimus Prime Fat to fight the evil Trans-Fat Lipidicons.

*Congress’ approval ratings are in the crapper. It has nothing to do with Republicans or Democrats, each of whom have had their chance to embarrass the institution. The problem with Congress is simple: too many lawyers, not enough economists.

*I don’t understand hunger strikes. Going hungry to induce sociopolitical change? Has that ever worked? What if you’re protesting world hunger? Seems ironic to me. Instead, why not stage a binge eating? Michael Moore and Rosie O’Donnell are light-years ahead on this front. Fight the good fight, you fat pigs.

*I dislike people who say Tar-JAY (for the retailer, Target) and Jaque Ce PanYAY (for J.C. Penny’s). However, I’m indifferent to those who say the US of A and Californ-i-A. On second thought, fuck them, too.

*I had a real-life example that taught me I shouldn’t judge people. Driving down I-10, I spotted a big, monster truck in my rear-view mirror. He tailgated me and my poor Toyota. His truck huffed and puffed and snorted with rage. At once I had this guy pegged for a macho douche bag with a tiny penis. I said to myself, “Take it easy there, Tex.” Just then, he switched lanes and sped past me. As he drove by, I spied a decal on his rear window. It read, “Big Red.” You see? He wasn’t “Tex.” He was “Big Red.” My mistake.

*Instead of a reserve parachute, why don’t skydivers use an airbag? Chute fails? Bounce your ass across the desert. You’re the world’s biggest superball!

*Why not just take a leak or a dump out the airplane window? After all, they drop the sewage from altitude anyway. I say, cut out the middleman! If I were on a 747, I’d squeeze my ass out the window and aim for one of Al Gore’s Live Earth concerts. Heads-up, Bono.

*The best way to torture a groundhog is to tie him down and force him to watch that movie, The Shadow.

7/04/2007

Doggone good news

Finally, America has wrested the hot dog eating championship away from the Japanese and squared accounts for Pearl Harbor Day. Hiroshima and Nagasaki were mere pinpricks compared to the bomb dropped today. The target? National dignity.

Here's a picture of what I'm talking about:



See the guy on the right? He's this year's winner. I forget what his name is, but he's white and American and he doesn't have hippie long hair or a "Buck Fush" T-shirt. Clearly, the best man won. Although he had more than that Japanese guy for competition. The person pictured below gave him a run for his money...





Who would have thought she'd have anything to do with hot dogs? I'll bet she'd be a shoo-in for the fish-fry and taco contest. She should excel at competitive eating. What, with all the training. I read somewhere that each time she makes an asinine remark, she has to eat a hard-boiled egg. Vile practice, but effective. It makes me want to cool-hand puke.

Alright, enough cheap, pre-canned jokes. And enough fun at the expense of a Chinaman. That one up there in the picture held a 6-year-long record for the most dogs eaten. Big whoop. These Chinese fellas eat hundreds of dogs every year.

Still, both of these athletes ate in the neighborhood of 60 hot dogs. That's more than Elton John eats in a month! Have you considered how much food -- how much sheer mass -- 60+ hotdogs are? Remember, these guys eat the buns, too. This 4th of July, the real firework display is going to be in these gentlemen's crappers. The prize for this contest ought to be a bottle of Pepto Bismol and a 30-pack of 2-ply Charmin.

I'll be brief and end here. I just wanted to post a few lines and congratulate the American guy who restored our national dignity by winning the 4th of July hot dog eating contest.