1/23/2008

Aye, Sex Robot

I can't wait until scientists invent sex robots.

I reckon that day is near. Consider this. They already have sex dolls so realistic, they're almost human -- to the eyes and to the touch. Material scientists have simulated the varieties of human flesh with silicone compounds. Hair, nails, skin, breast tissue, all perfected and made-to-order in the factory. You can order up a fine lady as easily as a Dell computer (Dude, you're getting a Doll?). Part your doll out as you please with whatever features and add-ons tickle your fancy. Put all the components together and you have a humanoid doll that looks like the real thing.

You have your sex doll. Now, all you have to do is throw a robot inside there.

Does the notion of a silicon-based sex object disturb you? It shouldn't. Remember that many human women aren't 100% genuine anymore. Millions of women have artificial parts added to the chassis. So the bridge between natural and artificial is shortening. I'm just being practical here, people. Why retrofit the parts to a woman when you buy a fabricated model all at once?

So the humanoid silicone doll is already available. This leaves the robotic component. Good news! The requisite robotic technology is already here. Today's robots are doing things far more complicated than sexual activity. They build cars and computer chips. They wash dishes and clean households. I saw a Japanese humanoid robot play ping pong against a human opponent -- and win! Per Japanese ethical code, that human hurled himself from the top of a 38-story building. You have to admire Japanese resolve to win and sense of shame.

So robots are doing great things. All we lack, then, is the artificial intelligence for sexual activity. Again, we already have adequate AI for sexual behavior. How complicated can it be if Paris Hilton can do it? I don't care what Cosmopolitan Magazine says. Sex is a simple task. You have half a dozen positions, and handful of motions and gestures. Throw in a few thematic uniforms and some role-playing software and you've got the best life-companion ever. She's always game. She'll never grow old and she'll never die. She has no bodily functions, no hidden motives, and perhaps most important, no legal rights (although I'm sure the lawyer lobby is working on that!). Don't start feeling sorry for your robot. Remember, it's not a person. It's a rubberized computer. Do with it what you please. That reminds me. I hope the sex robot company makes a self-cleaning model. I plan on soiling mine several times per day.

I know what you're thinking. This is a great idea, but it's the stuff of science fiction. In real life, a robot will never be able to simulate sexual activity. What happens, for example, if the robot malfunctions and rips your dong off? You could very well be sharing a bed with a Loraine Ro-Bobbit (rimshot!).

I'm glad you asked. This is a legitimate concern. Science fiction portends robots created to serve the needs of mankind, only to become self-aware, malevolent, and then turn on their creators. This is the last thing you want to happen while your balls are ricocheting off your robot's chin. This is why all sex robots, by law, will have an "ABORT" button inconspicuously located on the back of the neck, underneath the mane of synthetic hair. In the event of a malfunction, the user presses the button, whereupon all physical activity comes to a halt. The robot releases your package, closes its eyes, goes limp and lifeless, and returns to an inanimate sex doll. A qualified service engineer should evaluate your robot before you attempt a reboot. But first things first. Finish your business on her once she's powered-down and harmless. Then take it to the Best Buy technical support desk for necessary repairs. I recommend fitting your sex robot with a chastity belt, lest those little bastard Best Buy clerks get any bright ideas while servicing her. Horny, nerdy little bastards those Best Buy clerks are. You punks get your own goddamn robot!

Other concerns come to mind. While in coitus you'll most likely hear the little gears and motors operating the pelvic thrusts and neck bobbing. That might be creepy. I predict 2nd generation sex robots will feature mp3 players to drown out the audible mechanics inherent in robotic technology. I'm going to load mine with the soundtrack to the movie, Mannequin. Also, later models will Bluetooth into a laptop so the owner can download different personalities and proclivities into the sex robot.

One must contemplate what societal ramifications will come from legions of sex robots. They will likely be dramatic and far-reaching. I predict that the last alcoholic beverage will be purchased for a lady in a bar the day before sex robots hit the market; indeed, women best hope this technology sits on the drawing board as long as possible. But despite hope, the sex robots are coming, and with them they bring cataclysmic disturbance. Entire industries will disappear: sports car manufacturing, Rogaine, florists, luxury dining. The female species, barflyicus fellatiocus, commonly knows as the "barfly," will go extinct in a matter of weeks. The annual holiday known as Valentine's Day will be promptly shit-canned. Life on earth will be unrecognizable. With 90% of men's motivation founded in pussy (the other 10% lying in bar food, sporting events and video games), one cannot overestimate the impact sex robots will have on society.

65 comments:

Enemy of the Republic said...

I'm first? No way!

This is an ingenious plan. It won't solve world hunger, but I bet it will solve every other problem known to mankind.

upset waitress said...

I would have no problem fucking a bot. Hell, the dildo I got know is similar to a freight train.

*~*Cece*~* said...

Yes, any sex robot made should really be self cleaning. That's just nasty. lol

Loving Annie said...

I'm waiting for the 6'2" tall, quarterback look-alike male robot who smells like Chanel for Men cologne and says I love you and you're beautiful and makes me come as much as I want to, and never thinks any of the things I want to do are kinky, just does them with a lot of moaning and "great idea honey"

That will definitely rid the world of women dating or marrying cheating, lying, abusive, inattentive men.

And the nice guys ? They can date the women who don't use their 401K to buy a robot...

Equality for both sexes. The divorce lawyers will all be out of a job.

random moments said...

Good idea and all, but wouldn't this eventually make the human race extinct? Hmm...

Where have you been? I've missed you. Are you seeing other bloggers???

Superstar said...

I think the idea that all people will be replaced w/ robots was already done, by Dean Koots....

I would NEVER be able to replace the physical TOUCH...yeah I will admit to the need for "handling my own buzzwax" but, never can I imagine the replacement w/ a
ROOOOOOBBBBBBOOOOTTT!!!!

Oh great One said...

It seems you have spent some time pondering this subject!

NWJR said...

I'll stick with my hand, thanks. It knows me better than any sexbot ever could.

Call me Maniac. said...

Nice idea, but don't forget, it can(will) be a two-way street: Scientists and engineers will develop the male fucking machine as well. Soon, the only places that males and females will ever see each other is driving on the street. Personally, if I have a fem-bot sucking me off in traffic, I don't care how slow the person ahead of me drives.

Excellent and entertaining post, L.B.B. Bravo, man.

MsPuddin said...

Two things: Were you neglected as a child? And you need to get laid.

This post reminds me of Austin Powers, the fem-bots who shoot amo out of their titties. I don’t think I follow on your whole robot concept. Sounds like subtle misogyny to me. I'm just saying sex w a robot sounds painful...

Jahooni said...

Buen Suerta? What?

Jahooni said...

Are you like 16? or is that college, I never finished.. two semesters?

Lyvvie said...

I've said it before, many times, but I'll wait in cryogenics for Data, the universe's most advanced dildo with added quirkiness.

christopherc said...

I've never really thought about robotic sex. Never really had a reason to think about it for that matter.

Closest thing to it was when some guests at the inn left a bag of "toys" that they had converted from DC to AC in the guest room when they checked out. We could not figure out what kept tripping the circuit breaker that weekend...they never did call for their little black bag.(Talk about getting fried!) We gave it away as a white elephant gift at an inn-keepers get-together the following spring.

-C

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Okay, so I suppose you'll stop blogging now, right?

I mean, how are you going to hold down the job as "sex robot inspector #1" at the sex robot factory and blog too?

tornwordo said...

This is what the terrorists need. If they had a doll like that, there'd be no room for hating infidels. I think you should pitch the idea to the military.

Bella said...

So do you have a patent on this or what?

:) Bella

Peter said...

You appear to have given this topic a fair amount of thought Rich,I just hope you have things like that abort button worked out right, just in case.

ZenDenizen said...

Loving Annie beat me to it...

~gkw said...

Hey... I'm game!!! It would be a lot more peaceful! The fembot would only speak if you programed it to! I like this idea....

Samantha_K said...

So, these robots...how do I put this? Will they be like fancy cars with heated seats? Will they be warm to the touch?
Women should have no issue with the sexbot. We already have our mechanical job-doers. Guys might as well have one too.

And hey, sexbots don't expect you to cuddle.

Mona said...

Please correct two mistakes in this post Big Butt

1. Breasts are made of FAT not tissues.

2. You tell them not to feel sorry for the robot because it is not a person, and then you yourself feel jealous when you say that you want to put a chastity belt on YOUR robot lest the repair men get horny. You forget that the robot is not a person and thereby is abjured from all human laws. Plus, how are you going to leave the chastity belt in the required region if the repairs need to be done in that region? Then again, after they make repairs in the robots vagina, they will have to run and see if it works properly. It is a part of their job. So you would HAVE to allow then to *check* on that one by 'genuine means' that it is meant for.

Ok. So you get a B+ from me for this one for all those errors.

Understand?

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Yes, Mona I understand.

Thank you for identifying the incongruency in this post. Indeed, if it's not a human, why should I be jealous? Maybe because I'm having sex with it.

I appreciate astute readers like you who keep glib, reckless bloggers like me honest.

katie said...

can i get one that looks just like david beckham? cuz i'd be sold on that one, LBB. ;)

Scottsdale Girl said...

I am concerned about all the WETNESS required mixing with the ELECTRONICS.

Jahooni said...

So reading this again today... I am kinda jealous that I was born a woman. I mean really, do you think the male robot would be really all that good? I mean would it pull hair, slap the ass, bite, etc.
Or would the male robot just lie there and the female would just hop on top and then that is it! No thanks.
Hoping they are spending a lot of time and concentration on making the male robot worth buying.

Preposterous Ponderings said...

Good bye monogamy!

I want a whole fucking fleet of robot men.

Oooooh imagine the possibilities!

The Troll said...

I disagree with the commenter who thought a Male Fucking Machine would soon follow. That would take a whole new level of technical sophistication. And I can't see the Economics working out.

Women generally have money because Men:

1) Gave it to them in exchange for pussy.


2) Paid them alimony and "child support".


3) Died and forgot to change our wills to exclude them from inheriting.

The Net Effect of the Sex-Robot revolution will be a LOT more Money in the hands of Males. The Robot-Makers won't waste R&D money on the possibility the dwindling number of Women with Money will want a Fuckbot.

Instead, they'll keep adding bells and whistles to the FemBots so the Richer Guys can lord it over the working-stiffs stiffing last year's Model.

Cynic with Flair said...

HA! The Paris Hilton reference to robotic sex is classic.

I have no issue with this. Just need a male version, like loving annie said, that not only has sex whenever and however you want it, but tells you you're beautiful and kisses you. A male fuckbot (stole that from the troll, above, who is WRONG that women don't want male fuckbots) would be a hot commodity. Troll, I could be pissy about your comment regarding child support, and hell, I will be. What the hell is that supposed to mean? Men and women make children, so they should both support them, end of story.

But back to the male fuckbot. You've got my mind churning, LBB. You were kind enough to read my last post about being completely horny, and the male fuckbot solves my short term problem. Is it a long term solution? Probably not. But just like everything Americans seem to buy, it's instant gratification. Both genders of fuckbots will be a top seller.

Let me know when it's available online...
cheers, Cynic

The Thinking Man's Babe said...

Another thought-provoking post! I never knew that today's sex dolls were so realistic! I guess ya learn something new every day.

Ari said...

I think your prediction is accurate. The sex robots are on the way, and Blade Runner's going to follow, tout de suite. Mark my words.

Blogget Jones said...

Geek Squad for sexbots. Love it!

You know....that woman sitting in the bar the day before the sexbots come out might not actually be sitting there. The bar could be empty. She might already be camping out for her own Mr. Sexbot.

;o) BJ

Little Wing said...

I am waiting in line!!!!!
This is your funniest post ever in my humble opinion!!!

Jahooni said...

Okay Mr. Troll...
For one thing: what is with you calling yourself Troll? maybe it means you have a small.. nevermind.
I sell Life Insurance and yep that is exactly what I tell all my female clients to do!!!

just me said...

Yes, but can they love you? Nag you about the garbage? Complain that YOU NEVER COMPLIMENT THEM ANYMORE?!?

...no sir, I think not.

Damsel Underdressed said...

"Loraine Ro-Bobbit"

Seriously, did you lie awake at night coming up with that? Ha ha...that was cute.

The Wisdom of Wislon said...

Thre was a sex robot in a weird sci-fi series..can't remember the series..sorry x

The Wisdom of Wislon said...

nothings impossible these days

R.E.H. said...

Would you buy one of these babies on E-Bay?

I guess a guy would tire of banging the same bot time and time again... so there would be a market for trading sex robots with bigger/smaller breasts, blue/green eyes and what not.

I think in the end, it would be just as complicated at dealing with real women... minus the nagging.

Ashley said...

How about one that is waterproof?

You HAVE to be able to take it in the pool and have your fun there.

Liquid said...

Hmmmmmmmmmmmm......
Now I'm thinkin'!

Dan O. said...

Part your doll out as you please with whatever features and add-ons tickle your fancy.

I don't like to be tickled but, where, exactly, is my "fancy"? Is that near the taint?

And I think I'd like the option of a second "Abort" button. Not sure the back of the neck would be accessible during a 69 maneuver.

And a malfunction of either too much suck or clamp pressure would definitely warrant an abort.

Or maybe a voice activated abort would work.

You know, a "safety" word. Like you use during S&M to get the whip-crazy wench to stop when she's getting ready to lacerate your ass for the tenth time already and she hasn't even let you beg her to tighten your nipple clamps...or so I've heard.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

only a dozen positions? hmm... i think we should make the sex robot more complicated than that!

i would have my robot sing barry white to me.

Shoshana said...

LOL. So if you have robotic sex doll, can we get it in anatomically correct form? Coz you know, android are you sexless, I think. Although DATA from Star Trek is pretty hot.

Chick said...

Sex with a robot...great...no messy soul to deal with : )

Vanessa said...

But what happens if the robot puts you in the swing and you can't reach the safety button? hmmmm....may still be fun I guess

IDigHootchAndCootch said...

If I had a sex doll I'd never leave the house.

Janet said...

Sex robots? Hell, I'd settle for a robot period. The sex is just gravy.

Sassy Blondie said...

This is a rather elaborately thought out post. Are you having marital problems? ;)

I don't know quite yet how I feel about the whole sexbot thing. I'll have to chew on it for a while. I mean, my biggest worry would be electrocution...

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Latigo Flint would be proud.

snowelf said...

LBB, the things your brain cooks up on a daily basis... I love reading your blog!! :)

--snow

Amandarama said...

Perhaps you'd be interested in this link to a short story posted on BoingBoing.net a couple weeks ago:

The Sex Singularity: When Machines Surpassed Human Hotness

Believe me - the whole sex robot thing will happen soon. I'm sure there's already folks getting ready to successfully mod out a Real Doll.

Jahooni said...

By the time you post another topic, I will have bought mine and I will be too busy to Blog!

Hammer said...

I read in a science magazine that the Japanese have had sex bots since the mid 90's but it usually takes about 15 years for their technology to make it over here.

I can just imagine how crusty those things will get before a proper cleaning.

Bennet said...

I too have given this very subject much thought.

No more having to listen to hours of chick crap like Oprah's opinions, how to dress, women's shoes...blah..
A simple off switch will accomplish an end to man's longest fight for silence & peace of mind.

I can guarantee that if Apple continues doing as good as it is the new Idoll will be on the market any minute now.

Blue said...

Loving Annie's right on.

And how about Boss-Bots?

Crazy Me said...

I think I'll just stick with a vibrator. Much less scary!

Jahooni said...

HELLO.... com on LBB we need new material!

Dave Morris said...

I KNEW I should be suspicious of those Geek Squad guys...

Why a half-dozen positions? For me, one position and one facial expression is enough. The facial expression is always "wow, I can't believe I'm getting laid!"

Memphis Steve said...

"This is why all sex robots, by law, will have an "ABORT" button inconspicuously located on the back of the neck"

Knowing how our government works, the button will be bright red and about 6 inches in diameter. They'll require it to be located right in the center of the forehead so you can easily find it should the need to whack it occur. And then, of course, the feminists will have the whole thing outlawed because it's somehow exploiting women to not have sex with them, just like it's exploiting women to have sex with them, etc, etc. And then it's back to the hand.

Ooh, just had a horrible thought. With all these laptop and cellphone batteries exploding, how horrible would THAT be in a sex robot? She'd blow your nads off.

Beth from the Funny Farm said...

I would be even more pissed if my husband left me for a sex robot.

Will there be a male sex robot? I wonder how that would all work.

Now, I'm expecting a blog on this subject pronto!

Beth from the Funny Farm said...

On second thought.. I'd share... as long as a got a hebot... he can have a shebot.

Beth from the Funny Farm said...

But then, that wouldn't work either. The bots would start having sex with each other; the children would become corrupted. My teenage son would go wild.

I'd probably still do all of the laundry in this house including the bots. I'd catch the shebot in the laundry room only when the washer was running. My life would become an embarrassing disaster. I'd be the subject of trials and studies in the sanitarium that I would be heading off too.

My mom would stop speaking to me. My dad would visit a LOT. It would all just be to insane.

Nicole said...

I think sex bots are a great idea. It would clear the gene pool of people who lack the will to make functioning relationships with other humans.

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