1/02/2008

Bullet-ins

  • Have you read about the recent tiger attacks? Captive tigers are escaping, maiming and killing people. That'll never happen to me. If a tiger attacks me, I know how to handle him. I'll punch him in the face, and then while he's stunned, I'll sidestep and put him in a headlock. He'll start writhing and roaring and baring his teeth. That's when I'll raise my free hand and remind him that there's plenty more where that came from. I'm no Siegfried and Roy, bitch. Helpless, the tiger will acquiesce and I'll let him go. The trouble then will be that his pride is injured, what on account of a human kicking his ass and all. He'll need cheering up. That's when I'll put my arm around him and console him: don't fret, Simba, or whatever your name is. I may be the tougher fighter, but you get all the girls.
  • Here's the worst answer you can give when a police officer asks you whether you've been drinking: "Well, earlier this evening I shared a bottle of wine with your wife. But I know I can't be too intoxicated, because she rated my performance as 'the best she's ever had.'"
  • I find Al Gore's "carbon offsets " charming. I don't know whether Mother Earth finds it as cute as I do, what with Al belching out spent fuel as he jetsets to award ceremonies and U2 concerts. But I think his "offset" accounting scheme is clever: Offset doing something wrong by doing something right. Hey everybody, go ahead and cheat on your spouse. Then earn a few "infidelity offset credits" by banging him or her an extra time next week. Throw in some oral if you've been particularly naughty.
  • I don't understand how mixed-religion marriages thrive? Some marriages split up over an unbalanced checkbook, or whether the toilet seat should be left up or down, or whether Glade Plug-ins are either a wise investment, or a device that magically wastes money and electricity at the same time. Yet two people, one who believes in the Big Bang, and the other who believes in Let There Be Light, can spend their lives together, even though each believes the other will spend eternity burning in hell for their lack of faith. I love you honey, but you're fucked on Judgment Day.
  • I'm going to start a computer company that writes code for animated cursors. It's not exactly an original business idea, but here's my shtick: They're adult-themed, novelty cursor animations. Examples: Saddam Hussein being hanged, a water-boarding soldier at Gitmo, Michael Moore eating hotdogs while wearing a Speedo, OJ hacking a lady with a knife, Amy Winehouse throwing up, that kind of thing. At $2.99 per download, I'll be rich in a matter of months, and condemned to life in hell soon after.
  • Religion is a dominant theme in the upcoming presidential election. We have a promising Mormon candidate. As long as we're opening doors to different religions convictions, I'd like to see a Scientologist in the White House. I'm going to write in John Travolta on my ballot. He'd be the coolest president ever. Plus, he'd be the first president who could actually dance at his inauguration party without embarrassing the white race.
  • I wonder if Islamic female martyrs get 72 virgins when they die in a suicide bombing. Imagine that. Seventy-two awkward, acne-faced, 15-year-old douche bags with thick glasses and XBox 360s, all chasing one brave, lucky lady. Hey, I think I just unearthed the plot to the next American Pie movie.
  • Most people remember the stoner dude who told us "Dude, you're gettin' a Dell." But few remember the far less successful advertising slogan, a sassy black girl who tosses her head and says, "Girlfriend, you're gettin' a Gateway."
  • I'm getting tired of the dot-dot-dots (...) I see in blogs. Why three periods? Did I miss the first two sentences? Are you throwing a couple extra periods in now in case you forget a couple later? Hey, why not throw a couple of dashes in there and make some Morse code: I-m a d-o-u-c-h-e b-a-g, quit. I-s-t-i-l-l p-l-a-y w-i-t-h m-y S-t-a-r W-a-r-s f-i-g-u-r-e-s, quit

55 comments:

katie said...

haha! love these bullet-ins, LLB.
and i especially enjoy the worst thing you can say when pulled over by a cop when intoxicated. i would concur with that.

Hope you had a rockin' New Year!!

Happy New Year to you and yours!

Jeannie said...

Happy New Year...
I like dot dot dots...
Because they like...
mean I get to trail off an uninteresting sentence that you know the ending to anyway.

Sorry. I'll try to stop but that may mean I quit blogging altogether.

... means the same as "and so on" or et cetera which also means and so on because you know that the shortform etc. wasn't short enough.

random moments said...

I'm second? That's crazy...

Glad to see you're back. I can stop with the vodka now...

I don't mind the three periods so much...

Uncle Keith said...

All suicide bombers deserve the 72 pimply-faced virgins. Wouldn't that be a great surprise for them?

Tequila Mockingbird said...

i thought that the sigfried and roy tiger attacked because they were butt raping him? maybe something similar was going on at the zoo.

happy new year!

honest john said...

It's getting worse...dot dot dot? Fighting a tiger? John Travolta for president because he danced in 1977? Do you people actually think this shit is remotely funny? LBB is struggling to come up with anything and failing miserably. How can I be the only one, (besides his inane alter ego LBB) to see how utterly spent this blog is? Police officer wife jokes? And an obsession with infidelity. I would hope his pretend gay wife isn't reading how he endorses such behavior. Maybe it's just my indifference, but I sense a desperate attempt to save a sinking ship with a dixie cup.

Lawrence Buford Buchanan said...

Hello, LBB. I see you've opened the New Year by shooting off a series of bullets.

Any chance you could do the Internet a favor and turn the gun on yourself? Do aim for the heart; a head-shot in your case would fail to strike a vital organ!

And JohnnyCakes: How can you read so much LBB filth and dream up so little insult? LBB laughs at your attempts to be clever. I can only cringe. As I've counseled you before: If you're going to do something wrong, do it RIGHT.

Hammer said...

I do the ... all the time to show pauses. In the gaming and chat world a ... means you think whoever on the receiving end is a moron.

I think carbon offsets are stupid because people really don't even know that recycling is a huge scam and waste of money and energy.

But your idea for doing it to counteract bad deeds is damn good idea.

The mixed faith marriage thing only works because of the repressed and angry make up sex.

christopherc said...

If I didn't enjoy your blog and think you were cute I would be ... offended by the dot dot dot comment.

But, you are entertaining and cute; want to split a bottle of wine sometime?

LOL

-C

Ashley said...

I use the ... way too much!

And...to tell you the truth...I am not exactly sure why! Habit, I guess.

Happy New Year!

RoxRocks said...

I'm guilty of dot-over-usage. I'm seeking help, so please don't chastise me. Or do, I don't care. :o)

If I was American and voting a Scientologist in, I'd pick Leah Reminy, she's kind of bitchy and sarcastic, which I enjoy!

You must have had a good time over the holidays as you were noticeably absent. Hope it was pleasant and happy and that you and your family had a great time!

honest john said...

LBB (the pretend heckler) Show me your blog dedicated to bashing LBB. Link to it. You are such a master, link your comments to something.

MsPuddin said...

My night and shinning armor. I love tigers, but I love them from afar. People are stupid. It’s a tiger, don’t mess with it. Period.

Your Web site sounds like a great idea. Can I get one with a penis going in and out of Paris’ ass? Oh wait, nevermind, I’ve already seen that somewhere…(quit?)

Ari said...

I see your crusade against Glade Plug-Ins continues with the new year. (I almost typed Glade Pug-Ins. Would that be like a plastic pug's head-shaped air freshener that you plug in under your desk and it looks cutely at you while silently emitting Noxious Dog Farts of Death?)

NWJR said...

But...I likethe ellipsis!

I'm hoping for an election between Romney and Hillary just so I can watch James Dobson's head explode. Faced with the choice of a Mormon and a Woman, maybe he'll just move to Canada.

~gkw said...

I always use ...

Sorry if it bothers you...

Maybe your right, I should use dashes---

gkw---

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Let's try this one more time, dammit...

Hey, I happen to LIKE the whole three dot thing...I really do. ;)

And thanks for the mental image of Michael Moore eating hotdogs while wearing a Speedo. That ought to quell any appetite I had going for the next three days or so.

(Come to think of it, I could stand to lose a few pounds. What's the website where I can download that animated cursor? And would you happen to have any throbbing penis ones? I'm going to need one after the night I had last night, since I won't have one of my very own anymore...;)

Oops, I meant---

Sorry.

jali said...

...sigh.(..)

Happy...
um...
New Year.

em said...

Well, I'm completely offended. I use the dot dot dot all the time. I don't even own any star wars figures. h-o-w-d-a-r-e-y-o-u!

:-)

Jack K. said...

I love you honey, but you're fucked on Judgment Day.

Have to wait that long, huh?

someoneswife said...

Hey Damn it...
I do that dot dot dot thing all the time, everyone is just copying me! I can't help it if I am a trend setter like that... the curse of being special I guess...
Hugs, Dawn

The Thinking Man's Babe said...

A very clever start to a New Year. Thank you for making me laugh this morning.........

Best,
Andrea

The Wisdom of Wislon said...

still laughing, love the last one. Here's some... just to annoy you:>)

A Girl, A Boy, and Me said...

Could you actually SEE Michael Moore's speedo?

Or would you have to lift the folds of flesh?

Hummm...

Preposterous Ponderings said...

I so want that Michael Moore cursor. So if you ever develop one...I'm your gal!

jillie said...

...did you know that they found empty vodka bottle and a sling shot? Hmmmm...I wonder why there was an attack. Morons! Do they not understand that these animals are wild??? They deserved to be attacked.

Man, if someone gives you Gateway, you know they don't like you...hahahahahahaha!!!!

ZenDenizen said...

Female martyrs! That was imaginative...

My Jan trip to AZ got cancelled :(

Sassy Blondie said...

The...is a habit. Don't be a hater!
Happy New Year!

XOXO

Appletini said...

Make sure you film the tiger ass kicking.. you'll make lots of money ;)

Stepping Over the Junk said...

...dot dot dot...
what's a christian scientist?

Memphis Steve said...

"... company that writes code for animated cursors ... I'll be rich in a matter of months, and condemned to life in hell soon after."

You'll still be in a higher level of hell than the asshole who created the "boys are stupid, throw rocks at them line of products. He's going straight to the lowest level where the devil will hang him by his balls.

"I'm going to write in John Travolta. He'd be the coolest president ever."

He'd have the hottest First Lady, too. You remember those '80s movies with Kelly Preston getting naked? I sure do. Wow! I'd vote for him just to see more of her.

just me said...

I happen to love me so ellipsis...

just me said...

*some.

...yeah.

Jahooni said...

Okay, I am soooooo with you on the John Travolta as President. I too shall write his name on my ballot.

Maybe all your readers and all my readers (all 10 of them ;-)) and all their readers can rally together to make it actually happen. You think?

Okay, off for another beer!

R.E.H. said...

Gotta use the three dots, LBB! They are very much needed in descriptive writing, as they as people have mentioned break off an unfinished sentence... they also (as I just use it for) emphasize a break in the flow of a sentence.

Oh, and thanks... Now I know why I got beat up by that cop the other day!

I love you honey, but you're fucked on Judgment Day.

There's my chuckle of the day! Loved that one!

Call me Maniac. said...

what drives me nuts is overuse of the ! mark. Some people use the ! to end every one of their sentences, while others use several at a time (!!!). Dumb!

Call me Maniac. said...

Speaking of the "..." thing, even the blogger software uses it for every comment. "so and so said..."

Peter said...

Shame on you Rich, pickin' on all the unfortuate "Punctuation Stutterers" out there in blog land.
I am one of the many who uuuse... and even at times .... my affliction causes me to ??? at times ,,, and often to!!! I once used""" only to find that I had forgotten what I was going to say sooo (another addiction)I had to """with nothing in between!!! what do you think of that???...

Steven said...

The reason for the three dots (i.e. an ellipsis) is due to the fact that no one could bother to type the fourth...

Now, don't get me started on people who use exclamtion points!!!

Little Wing said...

I learned a new word!
Ellipsis..........!!
Not only funny, but informative!

Loving Annie said...

Hey, knock it off ! I do the dot.dot.dot thing all the time :)

I'm gonna have to bet on the tiger kicking your butt - after the policeman does :)

John Travolta for President. Couldn't be any worse than any of the current candidates :)

Mixed religions getting and staying married. Humph. Better that than Elizabeth Taylor marrying anyone at all for round # 8 :)

Samantha_K said...

Watch your mouth, Lightning Bug. I happen to be the queen of the ...'s ok?

Because I blog like I speak, and lots of times I just kind of...you know...pause and stuff.

And btw, I'd totally download one of your cursors, if only to join you in hell.

The Kept Woman said...

No one ever promised the male martyrs that they were getting 72 female virgins either...think about it.

Christina_the_wench said...

Your tiger scenario is so Calvin and Hobbes.

I have a crush on you now. Commence stalking dot, dot, dot

WendyB said...

I'm going to sue you for the PTSD I suffered over the Michael Moore in a Speedo image.

The Wisdom of Wislon said...

Hiya

my facebook

Amanda Wilson Bristol network UK

Cheers for coming by my blogness too

snowelf said...

I'm sorry, LBB, I am a ... writer too. I'm sure we can still be friends though--I mean, it's not like we're different religions or anything. ;)

You would not believe the way they tried to make those tigers "evil" on our news. Apparently it was reported that one of the kids was shooting the tiger with a sling shot and was over the side of the fence (in the tiger's pen), THEN got attacked. I don't feel sorry for dumbasses who get eaten by tigers when taunting them.

--snow

Oh great One said...

Ha! The three period bit made me wonder how many times I've done that. Then I looked at he title of your last post and realized if you want to be cool you only use TWO periods! *grin*

Dave Morris said...

I thought the Big Bang stopped once you got married.

Dave Morris said...

One more quick thing:

...

I have 'em all over my blog and I've TRIED to quit but it's like the crack of the punctuation world. In fact the comma is the gateway punctuation for the ... . Next thing you know, you'll see --- all over my blog. WTF is next???

Dan O. said...

I gotta tell you LBB, your blog now must have more "..." than any other in blog history. LBB? LBB? mmm...must of OD'd on ellpsis. (ellipsii?)

Junebug said...

Did your post title before this one count...?

dalia said...

...

Muze said...

hey! dot dot dots are my fav! lol.

and that mixed religion relationship? that's me all the way. crazy, but it works.

you are a mess.