1/16/2008

Bullets ex machina

  • I wish the presidential primaries were decided with a dance-off, like in Breakin' 2, Electric Boogaloo. The only danger in that would be that we could wind up with a grease ball Puerto Rican in the White House.
That's just what we need. Some break-dancer throwing bloody chicken bones into a pentagram for guidance on national diplomacy. All hail to Vice-President Turbo.



  • Have you seen those obnoxious signs in shops that read, "If you break it, you bought it." I enjoy approaching the cashier and informing her that I just broke wind. How much do I owe ya? It's on-the-house, you say? Well, there's more where that came from.
  • Whore houses are legal in the state of Nevada. Do you think one of them advertises with the slogan, "More bang for your buck."
  • Speaking of slogans, I think this would be a great slogan for McDonald's: "Because your kids will drive you crazy if you say no to us."
  • True fact: due to its revolutionary motion-sensing technology, the Wii's original name was the "Handy." Just weeks before releasing the product, Ninendo's marketing department learned that "handy" was a slang for "tug-job." Crisis averted.
  • Our vanity is literally killing us. Want proof? There are more people willing to quit carbs than quit smoking.
  • A few posts back, I poked fun at those who use the ellipsis (...) too frequently. Too many "dot, dot, dots" in the blogosphere, I claimed. This bullet mark drew more hostility than any other post in my 3 years of blogging. I haven't seen this many people defending dots since my trip to India where I ridiculed the women's bindis...



  • You've probably seen how flamboyant gay guys hate each other. That is, some guys are so over-the-top gay that they offend other gays. I want to introduce a term for this phenomenon: gay + hatred = "GAYTRED"
  • The worst thing about being a porn star is, you don't have a job uniform to write off your taxes. However, you can write off upholstery cleaning.
  • The cliche "Less is more," is true, more or less.
  • I've always been intrigued with the conjugal visit. I admire the seductive powers of any man who can get laid while behind bars. When I was single, I could barely get a girl to sleep with me when I had free roam of the earth. What I wonder is, how does an inmate broker the deal over the phone: "Hey, baby. I'm so in-the-mood. I need you badly. Can you come over?" "Sure. Where are you?" "Uh, prison." You'd think that would be a deal-breaker. But some women go. And how do you kick off the seductive scene in prison. Pour some Toilet-Brewed Prison House Chardonnay '07, light a roll of toilet paper on fire and throw it in the corner for ambience, tip the guard a carton of smokes to disappear for 20 minutes. Serve a ration of Sherriff Joe's green baloney hors d' oeuvre. "Girl, I love you. But can you get naked and lie on your back? Lights-out is in 15 minutes."
  • Money may not buy happiness. But money buys freedom. And freedom is happiness.
  • The problem with mulatto people is that you can't tell whether you're supposed to hate them or not; and if so, precisely how much? Nowadays, they're mixing up the races like gangbusters. I look at a mulatto person. I see some black, some white, some Indian, Puerto Rican, a little Filipino, a dash of Eskimo... and then suddenly I realize, I don't know whether I'm supposed to shun this man or invite him to my Secret Society.
  • I was in the check-out line at Wal-Mart last week. This guy in front of me was wearing full camouflage, combat boots, military patches and pins, a Monster Truck baseball cap. He had a pony tail and a beard. And he was like, 4-feet, 9-inches tall. I thought to myself, there's a 100% chance this guy is armed. Anyway, this little redneck piqued my curiosity. As he left, I looked at his shopping bag. In it I found the video game "Call of Duty 4." So he wasn't a paramilitary redneck weirdo after all. He was just suiting up for the big game. Dude, they can't see you through the television. Just play it in the nude, like I do.

70 comments:

Karen said...

But can you get naked and lie on your back?

Should read:

But can you get naked and bend over?

Tequila Mockingbird said...

as a guy, i would think that naming a product "handy" would have some positive word association with it.

i wrote a post
not too long ago about prison dating that might clear up a lot. there are quite a few "pro's" to dating an imate. i know i CANT WAIT until Franky The Hammer gets out of prison!!!

Samantha_K said...

What is this Call of Duty 4 thing? This is the second blog entry in a row I've read about the damned thing.

Oh yeah, you were funny like normal.

RoxRocks said...

They were going to call it the HANDY?! That's retarded! They should have called it the greatest time suck since Facebook. I haven't seen my kids since Christmas!

Call me Maniac. said...

Priceless, dude! These are the type of posts I like the most. Very funny!

R.E.H. said...

I think I need to move to Nevada and start up a business... you don't mind me using that slogan do you?

And... I had a good chuckle at the conjugal visit theories. I've always been curious about that. Maybe I should just go whack some poor fella, surrender myself, and see how that'll work out for me. Maybe I'll have more sex behind bars than I do out here...

...wait just one minute here! That may be something I absolutely DO NOT want!

Little Wing said...

I actually know of a guy who got married, when he knew he was going to jail, just so he could have those conjugal visits.
NO it wasn't ME he married.
I guess you have to be a con to get the jugal visits.
Yep I am with you, give me freedom!
Great post, LBB!!!!!!

Hammer said...

Conjugal visits are sometimes held in little trailers on the prison grounds which make the act a little more classy.

From what I gather prisoners just can't call up a random booty call. There has to be some established relationship. Shower gang rapes notwithstanding.

Karen said...

Don't you just love how 99.9% of the comments are centered around your sex related bullets?

christopherc said...

I didn't see the bullet about ellipsis as hostile, in fact most of them were rather funny I thought.

But then again, I tend to find humor in about everything. Great list here too, it created a few laughs as I read through it!

-C

Mo said...

Dude, Electric Boogaloo??? That took me WAY back!

Lawrence Buford Buchanan said...

LBB, I'm not certain which is more offensive: your glib slights about minorities, gays and prison inmates, or your assassination of the English language.

Your writing is more reckless than an after-party drive with Nick Nolte and Mel Gibson, and is roughly as intelligible as either gentleman after a drinking binge.

upset waitress said...

Hmmm, I started to read this post, then I noticed a tiny pic in the corner. It's you. Dam.. you are so hot you melt the elastic in my underwear. Alrighty, let me get back to reading this long ass post of yours.

Fantastagirl said...

I'm so glad they changed it to Wii - because I don't think I could handle Tink saying - I'm gonna go play Handy, I wanna play with Handy, it' my turn for Handy. Momma, Pan took my Handy.

Oh wait, it's just as annoying as Wii.

Peter said...

Ya gotta admire the way those Indians look after their monkey's Rich... they're better fed than most.

The Thinking Man's Babe said...

I have to concur with upset waitress...you're on the money 'bout the money...

Laughing through my chardonnay said...

I think we should settle all major battles with dance offs. At my old office that's how we mockingly did it and it worked wonders. Seriously!

James Burnett said...

I wanna see Vice President Turbo do that broom dance.

NWJR said...

"Just play it in the nude, like I do."

There's tonight's nightmare. ;-)

gusgreeper said...

as of this year you can't write off any workers clothes here in BC which SUCKS with abc being a steel framer and all. have no idea why they are doing that and having been a secretary all the couriers they go through lots of crap.
i think in comments sometimes i am bad with the .... but in posts no way, bad grammar on purpose yes but ... is too far. so i agree with you.
and as if this wasn't long enough we are GLUED to the debates GLUED and at this point i think a dance off may be just what everyone needs.

jillie said...

It's amazing how people will even start smoking to lose weight!!!

Ah...kind of like my best friends family: Irish, African American, Hispanic and Asian. What box do they check???

Loving Annie said...

the whole conjugal visit thing is bizarre. But the guys who manage to get married while they are in there is even weirder... Hey darling' I'm doing 20 years for xxxxx - wanna fall in love ?

The Kept Woman said...

I got nothing...I'm just...in awe. As always, good insight and...umm...AM I USING TOO MANY ELIPSES FOR YOU?!?!?

;) (snicker)

just me said...

If I know anything, I know a thing or two about gay men...

and their hatred is like the fire of an infinite amount of suns.

Ashley said...

I know a gay guy, and we met up with some friends and one of them brought their gay friend. The guy I know, knew the other guy from who knows where and HATED him. It was so awkward. I thought, you both are gay, how do you hate each other? I thought they all got along. What do I know?

And then, sadly the other gay guy was in a fatal car accident and the guy I know went to the services. I was very confused.

aCey said...

haha. GAYTRED.

so what is this secret soceity of yours?

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

"Money may not buy happiness. But money buys freedom. And freedom is happiness."

So true!!! Which is why I am chained to this damn desk forty + hours a week.

And uh...you wouldn't happen to have any pictures of those nude video game sessions you play, now would you? :)

tornwordo said...

The handy really would have been retarded. But wii is pretty retarded too if you think about it. Also, the bindi line cracked me up (...)

~gkw said...

hmmmm... Loved all of these... I think we should have conjugal visits at work. I feel like I'm in prison here...

quit carbs, quit smoking??? I'm trying to find more things to start! :)

Whore Houses in Nevada... I think "More bang for your buck" would work, but really, is there any need for marketing?

Chick said...

Is...a girl thing?

I over use it so much...can't help it...it's just more fun than proper punctuation...it just is.

LadyBugCrossing said...

LOL!!!
Those camo guys are pretty funny. We have 'em all over the place around here. You just never know who is armed to the teeth and who is off to the big game.

Thanks for dropping by!
LBC

Dave Morris said...

I feel exonerated for wearing an oxygen mask and parachute while I'm playing Flight Simulator.

Memphis Steve said...

I got kicked out of our secret society. They said I wasn't white enough. I haven't been to the beach in 2 years. How white does a man have to be?!

Oh great One said...

"Just play it in the nude, like I do." I bet all your friends knock before entering your house!

ZenDenizen said...

Memphis Steve - you have to be whiter than Arnold Palmer's pants.

Bug - For a second I thought "Oh no, bring back Osco" but this was just classic "light a roll of toilet paper on fire and throw it in the corner for ambience."

Muze said...

something is soooo wrong in that brain of yours. lol. where do you come up with this stuff?

too many quotables, but i AM adding gaytred to my vocabulary pronto. lol.

geesh i love your blog. lol.

Preposterous Ponderings said...

You play in the nude?

Days,times,and address please! Thank you!

Carolyn said...

I think that if there were a dance off to decide who the president was then voter turn out would be at an all time high. I know more people who didn't vote in the last presidential election, but managed to vote for "Dancing with the Stars" every Monday night for 8 weeks. Please! You only have to vote ONCE for president. However, if there was a dance off then Mitt Romney would have a chance; did you see how the Mormons managed to get Marie Osmond through to the finals?!?!?

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Playing in the nude is happiness too, Big Guy.

Bella said...

Not sure about the whole conjugal visit thing.

The thought of who cleans up there freaks me out a little.

Dan O. said...

Two things in your post bother me. (Like you care)

1. That you know anything about Breakin' 2. I mean, even if you saw the first one or rather, especially if you saw the first one, why the fuck would you even consider watching the 2nd?

and... ;)

2. You nude, playing video games or anything else, is more info than I need.

Just don't, ever, tell us you're nude while blogging. Please.
Save that for kinkysexatthekeyboard .com.

Little Wing said...

Your discription of conjugal visits STILL have me laughing!!!

BV said...

You're just not right. ha ha

MsPuddin said...

They won’t have a dance off, because Obama would win, no question…

Oh and you had me at “Toilet-Brewed Prison House Chardonnay '07”. I don’t think you would have to tip the guard for 20min. I’m guessing about 5 or 6 mins…

Hey I’m mulatto and I’m just as confused as you are. Sometimes I don’t know if I should hate myself or I …

Jahooni said...

Thank goodness the OSCO stunt is over and LBB is back! These were great! Let me go back and read more... I was just so excited to see something else that I didn't read the entire post. :)

Spinning Girl said...

Why do so many women fall in love with convicts?

Superstar said...

Money buys choices...which leads to FREEDOM...Oh there I go useing the dots....*giggles*

Isn't "less is more" and oxymoron?!?!??!

Janet said...

I agree with you wholeheartedly about the dance off. I used to sit in church as a child and think the front would be perfect for a rock concert. Marrying two things that don't belong together just seem so delicious some reason. Don't take my word for it. Just ask Hilary and Bill.

Thanks for bringing me back to life!:)

Palm Springs Savant said...

I've always been fascinated by those dot things that indian women wear. SO many questions: how long do they leave it on? What do they adhere it with? Why are they differen colors? Does it ever wash off in the shower? Do you take a shower? Does it frighten the monkeys?

Yo Momma said...

gaytred can also be used for my feelings for Clay Aiken.

I'm guilty of using the dot dot dots..but I'm not about to defend it. It's obnoxious I know... (<- hee)

snowelf said...

That quitting carbs thing vs quitting smoking is SO true.

And seriously--a bunch of geeky game designers just NOW figured out "handy" was a euphemism? Not likely. I think they were trying to get away with it. And on that same note, we have a oil change place called BJ's Lube and Wash.

Yea.

Have a great weekend LBB!!

--snow

Jamie Dawn said...

I suppose you have a problem with the dash and the colon also, too, in addition, as well as the dot-dot-dot?? What about people like me who use too many question marks and exclamation marks??!!
Yes, I am enjoying my Jack LaLanne juicer very much.
I found out that I really like carrot juice. It's quite good, and very low in calories.
The name Wii makes me think of peeing. It's not much better than Handy.

Little Wing said...

Oh, and if you break it you really DON'T HAVE TO PAY FOR IT!
That's what their insurance is for!!

CarmenSinCity said...

I love the dance off idea!

IDigHootchAndCootch said...

that first pic looks like some sorta gay, south american indiana jones character

Sassy Blondie said...

Yet again, I must confess my love for you. I just can't help myself...

Princess Extraordinaire said...

I am sooo glad to be back cuz you're cracking me up as usual...love the bindi's...lol

Susan as herself said...

I personally love elipses.

So much can be read into them...

:)

Maxie said...

Ooooh I want the primaries to be a dance off too. Very fun.

Thanks for stopping by my blog!

So@24 said...

You just described 99.9% of Wal Mart shoppers. I swear I see this guy every time I'm in there. And I've never been to Arizona.

Damn. Who knew that the soldiers of WWII wore monster truck baseball caps??

Ashley said...

You're genious, I should hit up BDD for some money. I have known him nearly half my life, it justs makes sense. haha.

I am wishing for financial independence too and to get out of the house, somehow I just don't seen it happening for a few years.
Blah...life isn't so hard.

P.S. My rants make me laugh from time to time too. ;)

Michelle said...

a dance off for president?! i'm all for it.

hilarious post.

thanks for stopping by my blog the other day :)

Lyvvie said...

I didn't know BlogHo was guest posting!!

Appletini said...

That's why I don't go to Wal Mart...the people scare me :p

Mona said...

BIG BUTT...

Ok shoot me! I just used an ellipsis hehehe, Neena Gupta wanted to feed your package to her monkey?? She has a monkey for a pet?

Of course of course, a Puerto Rican in the White House who dances and sings like " A little bit of MONICA in my life"...(oops! ellipsis again(I AM an Indian))

You naughty,you are spoiling the atmosphere of obnoxious shop? Or maybe you wanted to provide a more fitting atmosphere for the shop of obnoxiousties...

More bang for your buck? No no no, don't ever say that! you will piss the miss & receive only a hiss! Say " more bang for an EXTRA buck" okay? ( lesson in etiquette of whoring : No. 2741)

Crisis averted really.. whew! you cant give them handy at the age when all they need is candy...

Vanity? Think deeper my dear.. deeeeper...Quit carbs than quit smoking means quit carbs but not smoking (in other words). That is because smoking will expedite the process of thinning out started by quitting the crabs.

Gaytred... I can almost picture Flamboyant gay guys treading over one another after flicking their locks with a "huh"

In India you can write off any kind of taxes, Uniform or no uniform... we are that corrupt ( am I proud? Your guess entirely...)

REALLY? do they really have conjugal visits in prisons In America? WoW! I thought they automatically lost their conjugal rights with their freedom once in there! Boy I was wrong! Ps> I love the ambiance! :)

You hate by race? BAD Big Butt! I would put you on my knee and spank your butt for that!WACK!

I still haven't understood what is a redneck :(

Mona said...

PS> will come back later to read toast your host of posts...
got busy kind of :D

Christie said...

You were nominated for a RFS Blog Award! Yay you!
Go vote!

CP said...

Your brain. It works so...strangely.

CP.

Ari said...

Mulatto, hm. I think I last read that in a Mark Twain book or something. "It's ok, I'm taking it back!"

KC said...

You couldn't get laid as a single man back in the day?

I'd bang you.