1/31/2008

If George W. Bush kept a blog


Bullets from George W. Bush...

  • First I-Ran for President. Now, I-Raq my brains for better blog topics. Man, that's funny. You should see this. Dick Cheney just spit Orange Crush through his nose when I read him that. Funny stuff.
  • Not only are my macroeconomic numbers as good or better than Bill Clinton's. I can kick his ass in a fistfight, too. I bench press 185 pounds for reps. I mountain-bike 30 miles. He eats Big Macs by the baker's dozen, and the most exercise he ever got was wrestling heifer interns. Who do you think would win in a fight? Oh yeah, and my wife is way hotter. I wouldn't bang Hillary with Cheney's prick.
  • I'm sorry I haven't been posting a lot lately. I've been busy dethroning tyrants, killing terrorists and securing our freedom. You're welcome.
  • A bunch of you are upset because my administration is auditing what library books terrorist suspects are checking out. Don't worry. We don't care if you're checking out Marx's Communist Manifesto for the 117th time, or one of those "male adventure" stories. Unless the title of the book is "How to Build, Plant and Detonate a Bomb," we don't give a Texas-sized turd what you're reading. If you're so worried, go to Amazon.com and pay for your book.
  • Boy, that Michael Moore is one fat, hairy, obnoxious son of a biscuit. Hey, maybe we should check his navel for the weapons of mass destruction.
  • I'm glad to see John McCain climbing in the poles. I love McCainiac. Anybody who hates gooks as much as he does can't be all bad. You know, the White House chef is Vietnamese. I wouldn't give a squirt for his future if McCain wins the White House. McCainiac will strangle him with a telephone cord in his sleep. So long and thanks for the grub, Thi Quang.
  • Many of my critics crack wise at how I pronounce "nuclear." I say NOO-kyoo-ler. They say NOO-clee-er. Whichever way you say it won't matter when you're in the middle of a mushroom cloud because some faggy human rights fella shut down Gitmo.
  • Many of my critics moan that I'm not spending enough on education. That's hogwash. Just this year I spent 300 billion dollars "educating" terrorist not to mess with the USA. And I won't stop educating those little, brown Arab fellas until they all have PhD's in "Don't Mess with Texas."
  • I'm tired of foreign leaders armchair quarterbacking my leadership. If I ever need to surrender or know which wine goes with duck d'orange, I'll ask France my damn self.
  • Man, this blogging stuff is hard. I think I'll kick this over to Karl Rove to finish.

43 comments:

Blue said...

How can you write, GW, given that you can't read?

Just wondering.

katie said...

i really do think we should check michael moore's navel for...wait gotta stop..getting sick to my stomach at the thought of looking in michael moore's navel.

have a great weekend, LBB!

RoxRocks said...

This frightened me on many different levels!! Classic!

Loving Annie said...

Lightning Bug,
good point about new-klee-are :)

Cathy said...

I worship your blogging, LBB. It's excellent, even for a Republican;)

Call me Maniac. said...

Thank you, thank you, thank you, dude. Great post. Love the part about the $300B for "educating" the terrorists not to fuck with us! "Little brown Arab fellas." HA HA!!

*~*Cece*~* said...

I normally don't read political stuff on blogs, but man that was good! lol

NWJR said...

I almost thought this was really a GW Bush post until I realized he actually used a "g" on the end of words like "wrestling", "educating" and "quarterbacking".

Actually, the thought the author knows what a "book" is should have clued me in.

Bryan Peters said...

When I read this, I had an inner voice that went along and it sounded exactly like Jon Steward doing an impression of Bush, with your words. Good stuff!

Little Wing said...

Great stuff.
And they are little brown sheet heads!

R.E.H. said...

Good post. And, thankfully - the Bush era is nearing the end...

Peter said...

Yeah that would be a daily read for sure.

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Damn...I wanted a Big Mac till I got to the part about Michael Moore's hair and navel. Now I'm just nauseous. ;)

tornwordo said...

Is it wrong that I laugh every time you use the word gook?

upset waitress said...

No Nudey pics of Laura?

Dave Morris said...

I'm surprised that, given the chef is Vietnamese, the Bush dog "Barney" is still alive...

Bella said...

My response?

354 days left.

;)

You know I luv ya'!

Bella

Becky said...

George Bush is a figure of amusement to me, everytime I think of him I just get this impish grin. I can see him playing with transformers talking about osama bin laden, "I'm like Optimus Prime and Osama is like Megratron, and Sadaam is like that there Soundwave."

Tequila Mockingbird said...

john mccain scares me. i have nightmares he will strangle my kitten

Mo said...

Man I'm gonna miss Dubya.

Samantha_K said...

I once posted that George was just using his presidency as inspiration for his "real" job...the one he plans to get next year...as a stand up comic and reality television star.

Right now it's a toss up as to whether his show will be airing on E!or VH1.
Either way, I'm in.

MsPuddin said...

If we let Bush blog, we re letting the terrorists win…

Son of a biscuit makes me giggle…

Memphis Steve said...

Rumor has it that Chelsea was produced through artificial insemination.





Bill Clinton started the rumor.

ZenDenizen said...

Samantha, his show will be on CMT of course!

Good stuff as always LBB...

Oh great One said...

Love the bit about Laura being hotter. Wouldn't even use Dick Cheney's unit huh? HAR HAR!

Former Non-Girlfriend said...

Hey there...back to blogging. Missed ya!

Ashley said...

"I'm sorry I haven't been posting a lot lately. I've been busy dethroning tyrants, killing terrorists and securing our freedom. You're welcome."

This was the best one...hahahahaha. I love it!

Palm Springs Savant said...

LBB- you and I are kindred spirits. I knew I always liked you for some reason. know I know why.

Damsel Underdressed said...

Hey, W.! An imposter wrote this post! It couldn't have been your work. There weren't any catachreses or malapropisms to be found in the entire post.

Oh yeah, if you don't know what a malapropism or a catachresis is, there is this thing called Webster's Dictionary. It's this amazing book that contains a list of every word in the English language and their meanings. You might want to ask Santa for one next year. It comes in quite handy. It also gives you the CORRECT pronunciations of the words.

What's it like to have monkey shit for brains, anyway?

just me said...

i canNOT wait until this bullshit guy is only a memory...

snowelf said...

If nothing else, I can say that I admire GW's integrity if nothing else, I just don't feel like he represents me as a citizen--but what politician really does. At least he means what he says, believes it, and sticks by it--I just rarely agree with very much that he sticks by.

And I am lmao at Becky's transformers comment!!!

--snow

phishez_rule said...

Hmm, no spelling errors, no grammatical errors. And no rampant stupidity.

He dictated this though a filter didn't he?

Violet said...

do you really think cheney drinks orange crush? i had him pegged for a chocolate milk kinda guy.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

if we checked michael moore's belly button, we would find hair, 46 cents in change, a stick of butter, a gi joe army guy, sweat, a wendy's baconator and christ only knows what else.

just an FYI

Preposterous Ponderings said...

Michael Moore's belly button smells like feet and old cheese.

Ari said...

Keep on schoolin', G Dub.

Breazy said...

LOL! Thanks for the laugh especially the part about pronouncing nuclear.

Hope you are doing well!

Scottie Girl said...

mmmmm mushrooms....


Loved it LBB!

Superstar said...

GW would bother. Clearly this is a "job" created for a speach writer, who would otherwise be unemployed.

GW has trouble using more than 3 syllables...let alone a BLOG!!!! *GASPS*

Jahooni said...

Do you know that there is a "Blogging Flu Bug" going round'? I caught it. I had to take a break. Drank tea. Feel good. I am back.
Oh yah...funny about Michael Moore. REALLY funny.

Mona said...

He does seem to be spending on education...

is he really pushing it to Karl Rove to finish? I thought it was going to China... I guess that means " welcome service economy"...

Sassy Blondie said...

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: I love you. I can't help it!

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