- First I-Ran for President. Now, I-Raq my brains for better blog topics. Man, that's funny. You should see this. Dick Cheney just spit Orange Crush through his nose when I read him that. Funny stuff.
- Not only are my macroeconomic numbers as good or better than Bill Clinton's. I can kick his ass in a fistfight, too. I bench press 185 pounds for reps. I mountain-bike 30 miles. He eats Big Macs by the baker's dozen, and the most exercise he ever got was wrestling heifer interns. Who do you think would win in a fight? Oh yeah, and my wife is way hotter. I wouldn't bang Hillary with Cheney's prick.
- I'm sorry I haven't been posting a lot lately. I've been busy dethroning tyrants, killing terrorists and securing our freedom. You're welcome.
- A bunch of you are upset because my administration is auditing what library books terrorist suspects are checking out. Don't worry. We don't care if you're checking out Marx's Communist Manifesto for the 117th time, or one of those "male adventure" stories. Unless the title of the book is "How to Build, Plant and Detonate a Bomb," we don't give a Texas-sized turd what you're reading. If you're so worried, go to Amazon.com and pay for your book.
- Boy, that Michael Moore is one fat, hairy, obnoxious son of a biscuit. Hey, maybe we should check his navel for the weapons of mass destruction.
- I'm glad to see John McCain climbing in the poles. I love McCainiac. Anybody who hates gooks as much as he does can't be all bad. You know, the White House chef is Vietnamese. I wouldn't give a squirt for his future if McCain wins the White House. McCainiac will strangle him with a telephone cord in his sleep. So long and thanks for the grub, Thi Quang.
- Many of my critics crack wise at how I pronounce "nuclear." I say NOO-kyoo-ler. They say NOO-clee-er. Whichever way you say it won't matter when you're in the middle of a mushroom cloud because some faggy human rights fella shut down Gitmo.
- Many of my critics moan that I'm not spending enough on education. That's hogwash. Just this year I spent 300 billion dollars "educating" terrorist not to mess with the USA. And I won't stop educating those little, brown Arab fellas until they all have PhD's in "Don't Mess with Texas."
- I'm tired of foreign leaders armchair quarterbacking my leadership. If I ever need to surrender or know which wine goes with duck d'orange, I'll ask France my damn self.
- Man, this blogging stuff is hard. I think I'll kick this over to Karl Rove to finish.
If George W. Bush kept a blog
Bullets from George W. Bush...