1/09/2008

Osco Memoirs, Part 3

Don't forget to scroll down for two previous installments of Memoirs of an Osco Clerk. I hope you enjoyed Part 2 from Monday. And now, a few more anecdotes:

Respect your elders

Old people are the worst discount shoppers. They'll haggle and holler over a nickel. God forbid the canned peaches ring up 59 cents apiece instead of 2 for a dollar, as advertised. Lady, who gives a shit? You've got, like, 4 days left on this planet. Do you really want to waste one of them arguing over 18 cents? That won't even buy you an adult diaper.

Honest to Christ, my contempt for old people had its genesis in Osco Drug stores. Sometimes I'd spot a perplexed old person examining a product, searching for a price tag, perhaps, or a label promising the product would soften the stool. A battery of questions awaited whatever poor fool approached the fossilized discount shopper. So, I'd steer my head forward, focus my stare like a laser beam, preventing the possibility of eye contact, and dart to the next aisle, where I could make my way to the warehouse without engaging the old fuck. I even had a name for my maneuver: The Old Fuck Shuffle.


Don't be rash

Some days I would walk around the store so much that my crotch chafed. Some of you may know what I'm talking about. Perhaps you've experienced this after a long hike, a marathon bike ride, or whatever. I figured I was the only one, so I kept it to myself. One day, the chafing was so bad, I described this ailment to my boss, Ray. Do you know what he said to me? "Oh, you've got a case of the Osco Rash." Not only was I one of several guys suffering from a chafed crotch, but it happened so often, they gave it a name!


That's our motto

I had a motto at Osco. It's similar to that one from the Black Panthers: No Justice, No Peace. At Osco, my motto was, Minimum Wage? Minimum Work!

27 comments:

NWJR said...

I say this with all due respect, LBB, because you know I'm one of your biggest fans--but I hope to hell I never hire anyone like you.

david mcmahon said...

G'day from Australia,

Could NOT resist checking out a blog written by Lightning Bug's Butt - what a great name!!!

RoxRocks said...

I cringed about the old people, since I am a big fan of the old people. Don't ask me why, but I just have a soft spot, m'kay? But then when I read about the Osco Rash, well, I admit, I chuckled because it seemed a little Karma-ish!

Oh great One said...

Gotta love retail. Remind me to tell you about the deposit someone made in my fitting room when I worked retail. Does the phrase, NOT IN MY JOB DESCRIPTION mean anything to you? *grin*

Lyvvie said...

I always talk to the old people!! once all the questions are done they tell you weird stuff about the war. Some of my best gossip comes from old ladies in the neighborhood, and if the boss keeps wondering why my work isn't getting done I can just say I'm providing customer service and they can't do a thing about it. Yup, old folks are great.

What was the prescribed remedy for Osco Rash? Tell me it was Gold Bond Powder!!

Walgreens said...

Osco sucks

Laughing through my chardonnay said...

"The Old Fuck Shuffle" is one I have never done but if I ever find myself working at Osco I will for sure perfect it.

Lawrence Buford Buchanan said...

Why, LBB. Are you editing your comments? Oh, pray I make the cut.

You and I both know I will. My heckles are your drug; they enfeeble you even as they bring you to ecstasy.

Admittedly, among your previous heckles were the remnants of a mediocre mind trying to impress beyond its ability. But my heckles hit their mark every time. They are the hot knife to your brain's butter. Even you, a flu-ridden rube of a writer, wouldn't dare censure a first-rate heckle. You'd sooner defecate on the Mona Lisa, thereby stifling the perpetual smile.

You've not rid yourself of me, dear LBB. I've only just begun.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

"Minimum Pay? Minimum work." I wish I had thought of that back when it would have done me some good.

MsPuddin said...

I seem to always get stuck behind the old lady at the grocery store, the movies, starbucks, the gas station, etc. I once had someone count out $27.32 in exact change at Target. Seriously, what are you doing with a ziplock bag full of pennies!?

Little Wing said...

LBB, some of my favorite people are 'old fucks'!!!!!!
They lived thru the great depression and they watch their pennies!!!!!!
Someday WE will all BE one!!!!!

Peter said...

HEY!!! define "Old People" might I suggest CAREFULLY.

Bella said...

Ha! I enjoyed reading about your Osco work experiences!

Gotta love the "Osco Rash" thing. Too bad they didn't have body glide back then!

:) Bella

Fantastagirl said...

I love the old people - their stories are awesome...

Superstar said...

There are no words....

WhosTheBoss said...

LMAO! I love the Old Fuck Shuffle! I think that old people challenge themselves with that shit since they're bored or broke. who knows?

Palm Springs Savant said...

lol good one...I like that motto, a lot!

Appletini said...

Thankfully, I have NEVER felt the joy of a chafed crotch :0

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

I dearly love my mom...but you described her PERFECTLY in that "respect your elders" paragraph. If they over charged her a nickle, she loses it. While I realize she's on a fixed income, IT'S A FRIGGIN' NICKEL!!!

Samantha_K said...

We would have entirely too much fun if out together in public.

ZenDenizen said...

Finally caught up and loved your minimum wage memories.

"Minimum Pay? Minimum work." Reminds me of my former employer Linens 'N things. Their motto was "Dream Big, Pay Little!" Unfortunately it was also their HR Strategy!

Junebug said...

You so bad! But very funny................................how'd you like them dots?

Loving Annie said...

Osco rash ???

I'd hate to be so stressed over money I'd worry about 18 cents.

I think a lot of people have your Osco motto.

tornwordo said...

That chafing thing. We called it Waiter's butt.

Ari said...

I'll bet the Osco Rash was a direct result of uniform-required polyester pants.

I'm checking off similarities in our youthful jobs. So far it's nigh-on 100% similarity. I never got that rash, though.

cameron5408 said...

The moment I read your "Old Fuck Shuffle" bit, I knew that there would be somewhat of a backlash in comments.

I kind of understand where you're coming from, but hey -- you, and me, and everyone else in their complacent middle age is going to be OLD someday.

But perhaps by the time we're Old Fucks ourselves (oh, that was unintentionally cute & clever!), we will be able to stay home with it and do *ALL* our shopping online.

Either that or total replacement surgery will do the trick.

Anonymous said...

I am reading these stories and I worked at Walgreens in the mid 1990's during high school and I am glad to know it was no better across the street at Osco. Same nasty old codgers that would throw a shit fit if they missed the sale on canned mandarin oranges or crushed pineapple ("I'm sorry ma'am, but that coupon was for last week's ad") and then you would get bitched at because you wouldn't give them the price... eventhough you could use the price override or manual entry keys. The alcoholics in the liquor department who usually smelled like booze sweat and stale cigarette smoke, the whorish-looking women buying cheap $2 make up who looked like drag queens the way they layered that shit on, and the snotty ass crew of people who always worked back in the Pharmacy... never mind that the Pharmacist was usually the coolest person in the store, it was her bitchy staff of college kids (all Pre-Pharmacy majors) who though their shit didn't stink ("No... we don't have to zone shelves and put back returns... we work in the PHARMACY"). Ugh... I can't even believe I went on to be an Assistant Manager there once I was in college. Makes me grateful to have my degree!