2/05/2008

Bullet-ins

  • If Jesus really was a Jew, why didn't he try bargaining with the Romans? Crucifixion, he says? How about 15 public floggings and a nominal fine? Plus, I'll throw in an open-faced corned beef sandwich for the executioner.
  • Did you read about that dog who ate the Superbowl tickets? I just read a follow-up story on the same dog. Evidently, the dog ran away, only to be caught on game day taking a dump in Section 16, Row 23, Seat # 9. When challenged by security, the dog gestured to his feces which bore fragments of the ticket. Nice try, Fido. Now get the hell out of University of Phoenix Stadium before I FedEx you to Michael Vick's house.
  • I was playing Texas Hold'em next to a guy who was so fat that it was a geometric impossibility for him to see his own penis. I think a reliable indicator of needing to go on a diet is, when you have you have to take a leak, you first have to win a game of Blind Man's Bluff with your pecker.
  • Did you hear they're bringing back the television show “Knight Rider?” It's set the year 2008. Benefiting from today's computer technology, the KITT car has an arsenal of new functions. Among them is the ability to eat and dispose of a Wendy's hamburger for that middle-aged drunkard, David Hasselhoff. Michael, I said hold the onions. Also on the new KITT, a breathalyzer ignition system. Court order.
  • We all experience the phenomenon where we awake from a trance while driving, only to realize we have no idea how we made it to our current location. I always wonder whether when I was driving in that trance, if I ran over a guy on a bike. I'm a worrier. That's what I do.
  • If truckers put naked-lady mud flaps on their trucks, what do she-male truckers put on their mud flaps? I wonder if there's a shop that sells little chrome penises you can retrofit on the naked-lady mud flap. There's a million-dollar idea for you entrepreneurial types.
  • For the last several months I've been training my dog to use various tools so that I can win the prize money on that Funniest Animals show. He's getting pretty good with a hammer, so-so with a wrench, but he's all thumbs with a lathe. He just needs more practice. Last night, he says to me, “Why don't you teach me about the can opener so I can get at the Alpo?” Look, Keegan Key doesn't give a damn if you can feed yourself. I need you to build a birdhouse to lock in the prize money. Try thinking about someone other than yourself, Maxwell.

42 comments:

christopherc said...

talking dogs are always funny! Thanks for the smile this morning.

-C

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

No...no retrofitting penises (peni...whatever). It's actually a little silver guy standing up with a huge boner.

Much more pleasing to the eye. ;)

Hammer said...

I have seen replica aluminum nits hanging from the backs of trucks but I have a feeling it's not women truckers who have them.

WendyB said...

Oh, that Maxwell! So selfish!

Oh great One said...

I can't believe they are bringing Night rider back. I'm happy for the breathalyzer! I can see him running to the car and puffing on the tube before he takes off! HA!

Oh great One said...

Night rider?! HA! It sucked in the old days!

Enemy of the Republic said...

I needed some LBB humor today--thanks bro.

Speaking as a hetero woman, if I were a female truck driver, I wouldn't put a penis--no offense to anyone's manhood, but I think they are UGLY! I'd go with a bare chest or a tight butt--just sayin'

Susan as herself said...

I have never understood that iconographic naked lady image on mudflaps, van windows, etc. I knew a guy who had a lighter with the same naked lady on it. Who is she? Or rather, who WAS she? That silhouetted image is so old now that I figure the real woman who inspired it must be long dead.

Until I find out, I am gonna call her Naked Nina.

Dan O. said...

Did you ever wonder why, with a feminine sounding name like KITT, that car had a man's voice? Albeit, not a really manly sounding voice.

Of course, I guess it could be one of those shemales from your other Bullet-in.

Is it a shemale if the original gender was female and the stick shift was the new option? Or a Hefemale? Or does it matter at all?

Just wonderin'. That's what I get paid to do here.

WHAT? I don't get paid here?

I'm outta here!

SQT said...

The new KITT is a Shelby Mustang instead of a Trans Am. Though I think it still has the flowing Cylon-like light at the front.

Yes. I am a geek.

Chicken said...

Don't Hassel the Hoff!

jillie said...

LOL...I don't think there will ever be a replacement for The Knight Rider! And as for the dog...if that would of been my dog, I would have killed him! aaakkkkk!!!!!

I'd prefer the silver dude holding a surf board myself...surfs up dude! LOL


;o)

R.E.H. said...

I doubt there are too many she-male truck-drivers around, meaning that multi-million dollar franchise would fall flat on its face.

Knight Rider wasn't particularily good when it first aired, and if they bring back Hasselhoff to it now, it'll be even worse!

Bridget Jones said...

I hate those tire flaps. Thanks for the idea...

Ashley said...

I drive in that trance all of the time. I have to tell myself I really did pass something even if I don't remember...it is really weird. I get into some deep though.

I thought I was the only one..haha!

Little Wing said...

Prolly not many she-male truck drivers around, they would want to wear red high heels and it must be hard to drive a big rig (I said big rig, heehee)wearing heels.

Bella said...

You always seem to make me laugh. Out loud.

:) Bella

NWJR said...

I haven't seen my penis in a while either, but then again, I haven't been looking for it. No one else has seen it in a long time, come to think of it.

Maybe it's not even there. I should really check the mirror.

Mona said...

Jews are good bargainer? I heard Shylock did not win on that one...

Dog who ate Superbowl Tickets... Hey LBB I have a great Idea! Why don't you teach your dog to make a jigsaw puzzle with pieces of paper extracted from dog poop! That will be a sure winner!

Wrong! you first have to LOSE a game with your pecker then you know its time to diet!

It is quite possible you might have run over the guy in a trance as sure as I often add salt to my tea instead of sugar when I am in a trance!

Why should the Female truck driver ape the male truck drivers when they have been so independent in choosing that articular career? In fact they should put skirt mud flaps on their 'tyres' ( all puns intended)

Preposterous Ponderings said...

I think you should teach Maxwell how to scratch his nuts instead of licking them.

Lyvvie said...

I figure a lesbian truck driver would be ok with those buxom mudflaps, but the straight woman driver...seriously I think she'd make that space an advert for help around the house she never gets to stay in for long - maybe a Chippendale washing dishes - oh but how to metal cast that image. Such a challenge.

Currently wondering if very fat man was extremely well hung and therefore didn't consider missing the buffet. Perhaps he follows the rule of "When I can't see my dick, I'll stop eating." so shovel on the topping and don't spare the rice.

Lastly, you've never struck me as the worrier type. Elaborate.

Lastly plus one, I like the neat and tidy new template.

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

New digs, huh? I love what you've done with the place.

Now, quit screwing around with your template and blog more, dammit.

;)

Franki said...

I would totally put Beckham on my truck flaps. No that's too far away. I'd put him on my mirror hangin air freshener.

MsPuddin said...

damn how bad were those seats? Im not sure Mic Vick even still has a house...

~Fathairybastard~ said...

Everything is retread. Knight Rider should be allowed to stay dead. next it'll be that helicopter show with Jan Michael Vincent. Shoot me now.

And yea, i do wake up from the trance, but it's while I'm driving!

And I seem to see a lot of those nut sacks hangin' from the axles of girls puckupos these days. Very stylin'.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

I came out of a sleep-deprived mood one day, having crossed three lanes of a 4-lane road, heading for a sporting goods store that was on the corner. Just in time. So I never slept again.

Breazy said...

LOL! Just stopping by to say hi. I really enjoy your posts because they are always hilarious.

You take care and have a great weekend!

BTW...I like the new look over here.

Turnbaby said...

You play Texas Hold Em? ;-)

Preposterous Ponderings said...

P.S.

Thanks for adding my link to your blog roll.NOT!~ :o(

IDigHootchAndCootch said...

the blind's man bluff line was classic. I guess if he wanted to take a leak in the water he'd be playing Marco Polo.

The Sports Mama said...

Like the new look, LBB! :)

katie said...

I love your bullet-ins, LBB! and the new layout rocks! i love what you've done with place, man!

Have a great weekend. :)

Jahooni said...

I love your new layout.... nice!

tornwordo said...

There you go again concerning yourself with other men's penises. Smirk.

Sassy Blondie said...

If you get that dog trained up all nice, I got a few repairs around here that might benefit from his expertise...

And maybe next he should study to be an electrician..I have use for one of those too.

RoxRocks said...

I do the trance driving all the time. It freaks me out! I thought I was the only one...

Damsel Underdressed said...

Hey Bug! I REALLY like this new layout.

"Also on the new KITT, a breathalyzer ignition system. Court order."

KITT might be a bit tired of "Michael's" same old song and dance.

I'd say the she-male truckers still use the naked lady mud flaps.

Cynic with Flair said...

I haven't seen anyone's penis in a long time, so it would be a nice gesture for those men with "tool sheds" (as we like to say in the south) to drop the pounds and let the ladies have a look see.

Female truckers have better things to do with their time than have naked man mud flaps. Seriously, the only naked man a woman wants to see is the woman she's about to make monkey love with - not some silhouette of a hairy naked man with a boner. It's just not sexy.

Maxwell is just being practical with the can opener thing. He's pragmatic and you are a dreamer, LBB.

Jake Titus said...

If my friggen' dog ate my superbowl tickets..... I take the little bastard to the game with me and tell the attendant to shove the barcode reader right up his ass. Fat guy pissin'.... the real question is "how does he wipe his ass?" Does he have to ass floss with a towel each time? Bad visual, I know, sorry!

Tequila Mockingbird said...

i so want a knight rider car. i think it'll be better at getting me home when i'm drunk than when i call onstar and tell them to get me home from that location usually only back roads.

i actually have an awesome belt that has those naked mud flap ladies on it.

Ari said...

Once I awoke from "resting my eyes" to find I'd connected with the bumper of the car in front of me. Good thing it wasn't a guy on a bike, I guess.

Becky said...

Knight Rider is coming back! No freaking way! Hopefully they find someone other than Hasselhoff.

You make a good point, maybe Jesus wasn't a Jew.