2/29/2008

More essay ideas

Oh Great One asked me to describe the Perfect Day. My perfect day has me sleeping the first half of it away! I'm an exponent of the sleep-in; to the extent you've gone without adequate sleep, your the enjoyment of your day plummets. So, I sleep until noon, when I rise to the sun casting beams of light on on my face. Particles of dust hang within the sunbeams, entropy coaxing them to and fro. Their motion hypnotizes me. It centers my thoughts and refreshes my mind. The tranquility of late morning embraces me. Quietude. There is no sound. There is no phone. There are no obligations today, no work, no appointments, no chores. Leisure is the order of the day.

I spend an hour or two on the Internet. I check my emails. I read the news. I read my brilliant bloggers' comments. Then I start a new post which flows from my fingertips. Then I workout at a gymnasium and have one of those workouts where your body never fatigues. You feel superhuman, like Spiderman or that Thing fella. What's his name again? Oh yeah. The Thing.

Then I take the wife out to lunch at our favorite restaurant, On the Border. Today's salsa is a perfectly proportioned concoction of vegetables. And as luck would have it, we arrive just as a fresh batch of homemade chips leaves the oven. We devour our food, converse, nurse several margaritas, and then head home for an afternoon delight.

From there the day descends into a gluttony of more fattening foods, intoxicating liquors, music and SOCOM 3. I kill 3-to-1 with my silenced 552 assault rifle and 4x scope.

After that, things get a little sketchy. Some take-out, a sunset, a still, balmy evening aglow in celestial brilliance, perchance a hand-job under the stars. At some point I learn from the evening news that we've abolished the IRS and that Jon Stewart's show and MTV have both been canceled. Then I read from a fascinating book and sink into a 10-hour slumber. Thus ends my Perfect Day.

Call Me Maniac suggested I discuss the really stupid things you notice people are always saying, mostly to sound cool or more educated than they are, for example: "We protect our own."

Great suggestion, Maniac. First, when did guys start calling each other “Dog?” That's so gay. Why stop there? If we are indeed dogs, how about I come around and dry hump you? Does this mean we can stop walking all the way to the restroom at work? Can I plop one out right on the office floor?

I'd like few things more than seeing guys who call each other “dog” rounded up, neutered and kenneled.

Here's one I hate. You usually hear this one from a middle-aged woman driving a minivan and drinking Starbucks: “You can't put a price on human life.” The hell you can't, lady. I'll gladly choke you for your decaf latte, valued at $4.75, give or take a bitch-slap. The truth is, we put a price on human life every day in every way. Consider life insurance, warfare, dangerous vocations, safety equipment. It all begins with guys in suits sitting around a power point projector, combing over spreadsheets and calculating death rates versus dollar signs.

“You get what you pay for,” is another piece of garbage cliché. No you don't. Our taxes pay for the best, brightest and most honest government employees the country has to offer. How's the return on that investment? We pay a fortune for education (public and private). Kids are dumber than ever. We pay a premium for European cars that break down twice as often. Those poor Englishmen paid like, 70 pounds for Amy Winehouse tickets and all they got was puked on. Evidently, love is a losing game, particularly when you're in the front row without an umbrella or a plastic barrier. If you're going to an Amy Winehouse concert and are seated within puke-shot, wear a raincoat like those poeple who go to Gallagher concerts.

Sometimes you get MORE than you pay for. That's always a nice surprise. I pay for a 9-dollar entree at On the Border and eat that much in freshly fried chips and salsa. Then, for the aforementioned entree, I “build-my-own-combo.” The fools don't know who they're dealing with. I calculate my food items to do maximum financial damage. I go with the two enchiladas (a roasted pork and a chicken, each of which are big enough to make a meal in themselves) a shredded beef taco and a chicken flauta. It's a ton of food for 9 bucks. Itemize these selections and you'll spend well over 20 dollars. Nincompoops! It's the best value in town. Plus, I drink about 19 diet sodas. I gave my waitress carpal tunnel syndrome just from the task of keeping my soda glass full. My secret is, I keep a piss-jug under the table. I'm working them over from both ends: food and beverage.

Someday, On the Border executives will get wise and they'll withdraw the 4-item combo from the menu. Until then, I'll enjoy sticking it to El Hombre.


Ari asked me to compare/contrast Star Trek versus Star Wars.

One featured a fat, bloated, disgusting creature with a darting tongue, bulging eyes and oozing flesh and who lounged around with a slave girl chained to his side. The other featured Jabba the Hut. (My apologies to William Shatner and that hot black lady who played Uhura. You know I love you both!)

Ari also asked me about any role-playing experience, a la Dungeons & Dragons. As I explained in my last post, Ari, I'm not at liberty to post the details of my sex life. But I appreciate your interest.

Midas asked about my favorite recipe. Here's my favorite recipe for the Perfect Blog:

  • 3 parts sarcasm
  • 2 parts irreverence
  • A dash of sexual innuendo
  • Several bunches of political commentary
  • 4 ounces of your favorite liquor (let simmer inside author)
  • A dozen entries from your old high school creative writing notebook
  • 8 or 9 large anecdotes about your crappy day at work and your jerkoff of a boss
  • A shoutout to your blogger buddies
  • Photos of your pets looking their cutest
  • An open letter to an ex who fucked you over
  • A pinch of potty humor (use “cunt” sparingly for best effect)
  • An essay on why Mac is better than PC -- or vice versa
  • A vignette on a childhood trauma that made you a stronger person
Mix above ingredients together in a blog template. Season with song lyrics to taste and garnish with a personal photo showcasing your cleavage. Enjoy!

30 comments:

Ari said...

Whether I intend it or not, I believe that your Perfect Blog Recipe will now serve as a subconscious checklist for my blogging activities. I was mentally doing a "got it/need it" rundown before I even realized.

Fantastagirl said...

i HATE "you get what you pay for" not really - you get what the lowest bidder is willing give.

Hope you are feeling better.

NWJR said...

We want more pictures, LBB. Then you can have caption contests.

tornwordo said...

All you're missing here then is a shot of your cleavage.

Oh great One said...

Sleep, food, blood spatter, AND a handjob under the starts? Sounds good to me! Thanks for sharing!

ChickenStrip said...

I love the recipe, love it!

RoxRocks said...

Phew, I almost thought you were talking about me since I'm middle-aged, drive a minivan but I get my coffee at TIM HORTON'S. (Can you give a whoop-whoop to your Canadian readers?) I don't think I would utter that sentence anyway, if I do, feel free to bitch slap me.

Now I'm off to take a cleavage shot for my blog.

christopherc said...

I absolutely love the recipe for your blog. It indeed is what makes me and several others so very fond of you and your postings. The only thing I would change is your mentioning your wife so often... I prefer to think of you as a hot stud simply too far away for me to attract, not someone totally unavailable to me!

I do enjoy the laughter you bring to the day when I find a new posting on your site and may give this submission for topics a spin sometime when I'm not having any ideas of my own.

Hope you have a fantastic weekend!

-C

The Doggy Did It said...

I really need to get on that Cleavage Picture.

Dave Morris said...

Regarding the perfect blog, I'm hoping I don't become that parent-blogger. I know that when a child is born, he/she occupies all the parents' waking moments. I hope to fight the infiltration tooth and nail.

Of course it's already begun. It will be a hard fight. Especially considering this entire COMMENT is about parenthood.

Sorry...

Jeannie said...

I think you just gave us the "combo" - that was easily 3 or 4 great posts in one - a pretty good value just like On the Border.

katie said...

okay- you are a trip, LBB. good stuff right here. On the Border is my fave restaurant too. Salsa to die for.

Love your recipe for a perfect blog!! although as a preschool teacher i couldn't get away with summa dat. ;)

ZenDenizen said...

I want more photos of you and your man cleavage.

Bella said...

For some reason, my blog recipe just never somes out right.

Bella

Amandarama said...

Gah. Everytime I come here, you've changed the template. Maybe I should come here more often.

Good post, btw.

The Kept Woman said...

"I'll gladly choke you for your decaf latte, valued at $4.75, give or take a bitch-slap."

(snicker)

I've had many a day like that.

Hell, my whole life has been like that.

Steph said...

Alright, when I was first reading through this post I read "SOCOM-3" as "sodomy". And then I wondered, why doesn't your perfect day involve sodomy? You. Your wife. Pigs. Sheep. Chickens. I mean, it could be fun depending on how feisty your partner is.

And since you're tearing apart trite popular phrases, can you tackle my all-time most hated phrase? "It is what it is" has got to purged from the lexicon of the English-speaking world. Please oh please tell me you'll tear into that one.

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

" perchance a hand-job under the stars"
I always KNEW you were a true romantic deep down inside. ;)

Tequila Mockingbird said...

"quietitude".... i love that word. have it be known that i will be thieving it.

R.E.H. said...

We have similar views on the Perfect Day... at least the sleep-in part ;)

And, I may have to try out that recipe for the Perfect Blog. Thanks for sharing!

Scottsdale Girl said...

Cleavage is a side dish, not a garnish.

MsPuddin said...

A hand job under the stars? Man you really went all out on this day. but Your butt cracks me up! he he he

Wow. My blog is perfect, minus the political commentary and cute pet photos. this is great, hmmm now if I could just get people to read it…

Hammer said...

The you get what you pay for doesn't work with blogs or nudie sites either ;)

CarmenSinCity said...

I like your perfect day! Very nice!

Peter said...

Another good "Combo" post Rich, keep 'em comin'.

Jahooni said...

i need to print out that recipe for my blog... gosh reading it has made me aware of everything i do wrong! thanks LBB :(

Mona said...

Big Butt, I came here a couple of times and also did read this post. But I failed to comment, not because I was looking forward to trading comments ( I may be in export business but I do not trade comments; There are somethings that do not belong to the market place)

The reason I did not write a comment was because I was Struck Silent by the thoughts that this post produced.

Your Perfect Day, made me ruminate what would mine be like..

Then I was silently pondering about, where else they can put a tag on human life..

Then I was thinking how I should evade paying taxes...and also thinking that our Ram Babu Parathe vaala who has put a caption on his eatery saying " anyone who might be able to eat 20 of my Parathas ( stuffed tortillas deep fried in butter) will get his meal for free" needs Big butt around...

Then I was trying to recollect the details of my own sex life and later my mind drifted to wondering who that perfect blog belonged to . It seemed familiar but the dimwit that I am, I can't seem to recollect...

So you see Big Butt. I had enough reasons to be silent...

Midas said...

LOL. Perfect! and even better LBB, it's fucking fat free!

Mother, Wife, Et cetera, Etc.,(only because I'd gone blogcrazy, and I get confused)

Gluke said...

I recently came accross your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I dont know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.


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Anonymous said...

hello there thanks for your grat post, as usual ((o: