2/22/2008

Where the hell are you, LBB?

I'm glad you asked.

I got in a car accident last weekend. I'm OK. But I'm up to my whiplashed neck in bullcrap. Plus, I've been popping pills like Elvis on his birthday. My neck smarts something awful. One might think opiate drugs enhance blogging. But my blog is alcohol-fueled. And I don't mix booze and drugs. I'm not Amy Winehouse, for God's sake. Hey, speaking of her, wouldn't that be a great name for a drink? Bartender, make me an "Amy Winehouse." What's in that? First, make a sloe gin fizz and then add a shot of vodka and a couple Vicodin pills. Garnish with a No-Doze tablet.

What happened? I'm glad you asked. An unlicensed driver cut me off on the express way. I subsequently became a party in a 3-car pileup. My life didn't pass before my eyes and I didn't have a spiritual awakening as a result of my near-death experience. But I did get to see the business-end of an airbag. Get this. Milliseconds before my airbag deployed, a preliminary pop-up airbag discharged with an advertisement for the personal injury law firm, Goldberg and Osborne. Damn the commercialism.

The appraiser informed my my car was a total loss. So I've been shopping for a new, sweet-ass sweet 'Yota! The one I bought was even sweeter than the last 'Yota. Toyota's are the Macs of the automobile world. Not only do you enjoy owning a superior product, you get to look down your nose at everybody else. I rolled by a rube in a Ford Focus and rolled my eyes at him even as I rolled up my tinted, power window. How dare a commoner make eye contact with a royal?

Anyway, I haven't forgotten your topic suggestions. I'm working on them even now.

Here are a few things I've conceived under the influence of my medication:

***Here's a great name for a tattoo parlor: "At-Tattooed."

***The reason so many of our workmates are jerks is because of Human Resources. HR hires people with the comfort of knowing they'll never have work with the candidate again. Think about it. Have you ever seen HR personnel after your interview? I think they hire the biggest train-wrecks they can find -- just for the fun of it. I know I would.

***I think the Nobel Prize people should make a category for Military Science. The winner would be the guy who killed the most enemies that year, or maybe the soldier who made the most brutal killing, something in the way of a Rambo-knife gutting while under enemy fire. Wouldn't this be a nice balance to the Peace Prize?

***My Barack-Obometer reads high marks for presidential hopeful Barack Obama. Things don't look good for Hillary. Anyway you slice it, one of them has to lose. I personally can't wait to discover whether democrat voters are more racist than sexist, or vice versa.

***I read that Cuban President Fidel Castro is retiring. I wonder what the want ad reads for the vacant position.

Wanted: Ruthless, conniving dictator sought to administrate small, ass-backward, 3rd world country with remnant communist and anti-American sentiments. Spanish-speaker preferred. Camouflaged uniforms a must. We're looking for a multi-tasker with ability to dodge multiple assassination attempts. This position may require overtime.

Duties include oppressing millions of freedom-starved Cubans, sinking rafts and makeshift boats headed for Florida, hobnobbing with other Communist dictator assholes, and bamboozling Hollywood simpletons into thinking you're a swell guy. Will oversee the finest healthcare system in the world.

George Bush sympathizers need not apply.


***If you swallowed a 1.5-inch diameter jawbreaker whole, what size would the parcel be when it evacuated out as a candied, Willy Wonka turd? I've always had a scientific inquisitiveness about me.

***When I was kid, struggling with my multiplication tables, I entreated the teacher to allow us to use calculators instead of memorizing the tedious tables. Her rejoinder was that we won't always have a calculator when we need it. But this was back in the 1970s when a calculator cost $14,000. Nowadays, you do indeed always have a calculator handy either on your computer or in your cell phone. She was wrong! Up yours, Mrs. Daniels. In her defense, she also counseled me that I was a juvenile delinquent who wouldn't amount to anything when I grew up. Fifty-fifty.

***Why is it that the center of a sweet roll is the tastiest part of the pastry, but the center of a donut, namely, the donut hole, is lackluster?

47 comments:

WendyB said...

I was going to say, "Thank God you're okay" but your medicated thoughts led me to question the level of your okayness. Well, thank God you're alive and hallucinating!

Jahooni said...

I am first OMGOSH! can't believe my luck today.

thank gosh nothing happened to you!! I would be mortified. Pop the pills every two hours as perscribed. ;-) also ice bags help.

I actually might order an "Amy Whinehouse" just for you tonight.

Hurry and get well.

Mona said...

LBB...That is Terrible! I hope you will be okay soon!

"I am up to my whiplashed neck in bull crap" :
Duh Huh...I never had the idea that they applied cow dung to a smarting neck...

Little Wing said...

LBB, sorry to hear about your car accident!
I sure hope you had insurance that covers those damn unlicensed assholes out there!!!!
I see you haven't lost your sense of humor one bit, you cracked me up with the whole post!!!!

Lawrence Buford Buchanan said...

LBB, can you send me the name and address of the guy who ran into you? He stopped you from blogging for a week. So I'd like to send him candy, flowers and a get-well soon card as a token of my appreciation. It's the least I can do for a man who temporarily stifled this spigot of tripe.

He was the mercy flush to your verbal turds.

Oh, and about that sex robot you wrote about a few posts back: I hope yours malfunctions and ties your dick in a knot.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

I just have to answer that question, re the donut hole. Here is the answer: Because God said.

(You can use that anytime you like, LBB. On the house.)

Leighann said...

Wow.... interesting stuff. If this is what you can come up with in a painkiller induced haze, I can't WAIT to see what you come up with when you're sober!

snowelf said...

LBB, please, please don't try the jawbreaker thing. I have to admit, I pondered this, but I think it's best not to actually experience the outcome. ;)

Hope you feel better soon. Congrats on your new car!! I bet Cake sounds awesome in it. :D

--snow

The Thinking Man's Babe said...

Lawrence loves you.

That said, THANK GOD YOU'RE ABLE TO BLOG!!! I mean, it means you're not paralyzed, you're not dead, and your brain appears to be working beautifully, drugs or no.

H.R. people have always, always HATED me. This is why I am now self employed...

Get well!!!

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Thinking Man's Babe: I can't get to your blog. I'm not invited!

Midas said...

Oh, thank goodness you're alright. I personaly detest uninsured motorist. They tend to be really careless. I don't want to blanket every single one of uninsured motorist...but the one who totalled my car was so on the phone yakking away. I almost pulled her hair off, but not of my babies were harmed. One scratch and I'd have been like white on rice!

Glad you're back with your new car LBB.

SQT said...

Oh, I wouldn't want the business end of an air bag at all! Glad you're okay.

I think the country is going to turn out to be more sexist. Plus, Obama isn't exactly gangster. I think middle white America finds him pretty palatable.

Ashley said...

Don't you just love drivers..unlicensed. The one that hit me just decided to leave the scene of the accident, and I am still dealing with it.

Good luck with everything, Glad you are ok! :)

Jack K. said...

Sorry to learn of your accident. Hope you are able to enjoy your Amy Winehouse cocktail.

As for your choice in cars, cool. However, the replacement for the Del Sol will be this sweet little sportster, the S2000. It will be red, too.

katie said...

I so wanna order one of them Amy Winehouse drinks in which you speak, LBB. I love the idea of a drink named after her.

You have a great weekend!! :)

tornwordo said...

So funny, I was just thinking the other day that we should have been taught how to use calculators instead of the actual math. I still don't get the two "M" keys on the thing.

ZenDenizen said...

Glad to see you're taking it all in stride and are as funny as always. Now where are those pictures dammit?

christopherc said...

I'm glad to hear you're recuperating and doing well. I've been smote by the airbag before and those things are a real bitch. Hopefully, the law firm ad made the initial impact; that way you can get anther attorney to sue him for assaulting you with an ad in an accident!

ChickenStrip said...

So glad you are okay! I've often wondered the same about the WW jawbreakers. Would it be called an Assbreaker on the other end?

R.E.H. said...

In her defense, she also counseled me that I was a juvenile delinquent who wouldn't amount to anything when I grew up. Fifty-fifty.

That part right there had me laughing... some medication induced self criticism there? Ha!

Glad to hear you're okay though - not sure I can agree with you on the Toyota, but alrighty then, I'll let that slide for now ;)

Jake Titus said...

Wow, sorry about the wreck. Hope your recovery goes well.

FYI: I think they posted Castro's vacancy on Craigslist under "short term relationship, no strings attached".

Fantastagirl said...

Glad you are okay!

multiplication wasn't so bad - fractions that sucked.

Call me Maniac. said...

Sorry about your accident, LBB. Glad you're OK, though! Go easy on them meds, but not too easy. :-)

"AG" said...

I was at a party the other night and met a lady who worked in HR for sixteen years. I noticed right away that her eyeglasses were filthy with multiple splotches of rain, sneeze juice, I don't know what else, but there is no way she could have seen through those specs. The organization she recently left is a train wreck.

So I support your theory.

Sorry about your accident. :(

Ari said...

While I am very sorry about your close brush with death, I am overjoyed that you are ok (more or less) now. New Toyota smell is a powerful healing agent, you know.

Ari said...

Also, a question: A fellow Texan and I will probably be in Tucson (which may or may not be anywhere near your location) this summer visiting my aunt and uncle. What is the likelihood of an audience with you?

upset waitress said...

Ouch LBB. Hey, have you tried mixing the pills with the booze? You can say whatever you want and actually get away with it. It's perfect. Anyways, I hope you aren't too bad off. Well look at the bright side. Besides having good pills, you got a new car :)

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Bugs: I have written a piece about me and Kid Relish. If Latigo doesn't want him, what the hell....

It's on my site now (5 p.m. Sun.)

NWJR said...

I thought I commented on this post, but I either didn't, or I was modded out.

Damned memory...

RoxRocks said...

You need to get yourself over to Costco and pick up some cinnamon twists...they really do make you feel better, regardless of the ailment!

Feel better!

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Whoa...bet THAT was scary. I've heard that the powder coming out with the airbag causes burns...is that true?

And don't knock mixing booze and drugs till you've tried it.

Uh....not that I would know or anything.

Would not!

WOULD NOT!!! ;)

P.S. - I'm always avaiable if you need a sponge bath. Hey, that's what friends are for, right? I think I may even have a nurses get-up somewhere...;)

Oh great One said...

I'm glad you are ok. It sucks about your neck and your car. I'm a "Yota" fan myself. They run no matter what!

Take care!

Breazy said...

So glad to hear you are okay!

I use to work in a plant that made the air bags and seat belts that go in cars. My job was to fold the air bag and put it into the canister. Those things are loud when they deploy, they checked every single one that went out the door at the plant.

My daughter will be 16 in 21 days and she wants a Toyota Corolla, however we will not be buying a new one.

Get plenty of rest and don't worry about the q's right now.

kissashark said...

Sorry to hear about the accident, but I know from experience that pills and booze make it easier to bear.

I'm not with you the Toyota thing, but to each his own...take care and I'm looking forward to the next post!

Scottie Girl said...

Commenting so you have my correct website. :)

MsPuddin said...

Glad to hear your ok and the crash didn’t affect your sense of humor. I don’t know about that whole Amy Winehouse drink. I mean, it’s a good idea, but it sounds like it would taste like whatever is inside her hair and Doritos…

Preposterous Ponderings said...

While you are drugged up then maybe you'll have no problem posting nude photos of yourself! :o)

Hope you feel better soon.Enjoy your new car.

Beep! Beep!

Cynic with Flair said...

Glad you are alive and well and acerbic as ever. It would be a loss if the meds gave you a sweet, cuddly quality. I wholeheartedly agree that alcohol is the best poison for blog writing.

Your observation about HR is spot on. I never see those people - are they there? We lost power in our building today and saw the HR guy for the first time in 5 years - since he unleashed me on my department. Had to hide after that!

Yo Momma said...

glad you're okay and hope you feel better soon. i'm also glad to know that even a car accident didn't affect the funny. ;p

Little Wing said...

Air bags scare me now.
Loud? Powder?
What the heck do they have powder on them for, so we can touch up our nose????
I do not want a loud air bag with powder on it!
Please tell us if it was loud and powdery!!!!!!!

Becky said...

Here you are getting in a car wreck and I was about to start hypocritically bitching at you for getting lazy.

The democrats dug themselves into a hole, I can't see how any of them could be hopeful for either of these candidates to actually win.

Mona said...

Hope you are feeling better. Sending postive thoughts & good wishes ! :)

The Thinking Man's Babe said...

You are missed. I hope all is well.

The Thinking Man's Babe said...

Hey Lightning Bug,

I just read your comment to me!!! I emailed you at yahoo!!! I especially enjoyed your handle...maybe I got caught in spam? I've tried to invite you a coupla times!!! Well, anyway, will try again...

So sorry...
Andrea

PlatinumGirl said...

You are a nut! I just pasted that nugget about why HR hires train wrecks into an e-mail to a friend to explain her cube-mate to her! Full disclosure: my work is related to HR but I swear I try to warn the powers that be every time they want to make an offer to someone I think is an a-hole.

Little Wing said...

Speaking of holes, I happen to LOVE me some donut holes!!!!!
Fresh from the bakery, they melt in my mouth!!!!
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!

Dave Morris said...

Glad to hear you're ok. I was wondering, were you pondering the jawbreaker for any specific reason?