You picked it (part 1)

You picked the subjects. Your wishes are my commands. Here we go:

Bella suggested good book titles.

That's easy enough. My favorite novel is The Great Gatsby. Those of you who blew off the reading assignment in high school “just cheated yourself.” The teacher was right! So make amends. Read this wonderful tome chock full of unrequited love, unchecked ambition, friendship, bittersweet sentiment and disillusionment vis-a-vis the American Dream.

Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance was great, too. Atlas Shrugged is a literary masterpiece that will keep you flipping through 1100 pages. Both of these feature some heavy philosophical stuff that will appeal to niche readers.

I read a few psychology books that changed my life: Stumbling on Happiness, The Psychology of Self-Esteem, The Peter Prescription, Your Erroneous Zones. These books go beyond pop psych and delve into the science of thought. Interesting reads, all, even if you're already deliriously happy and fulfilled.

Animal Farm and Brave, New World are incredible satires.

The Bell Curve is the best sociology book I've ever read (send hate mail to: eightinches4real@yahoo.com). Don't believe the critics. Read the book and decide whether it has merit.

I can recommend tons of political thought and current events books, but they'll only appeal to readers who already believe what the author writes before the reader reads it. That's how politics is: we look for affirmation, not clarification.

Hammer asked how I chose my blog name.

I love the sight of lightning bugs in the evening. I wanted my blog to evoke the same feeling in my readers as I have when I watch those little lightning bugs float and beam in the distance. I figured my blog was just little flashes of insight that don't mean much, but that, hopefully, induce a sense of joy, delight and mystery, just like those little lightning bugs.

Random Moments suggested a bad date story.

I never had a bad date. Some were lackluster. But most went well. But I have something close to a bad date – I planned to ask a girl on a date, but I committed the biggest faux pas conceivable and consequently aborted mission. I still cringe when I think about this.

I liked a girl who worked at a fried chicken restaurant. I popped in with plans of asking her out. With some subtle maneuvering and a bit of conniving, I got her sitting at my table. We talked. The conversation flowed like Mozart concerto. She had a sparkle in her eye. I had this girl stuck in my tractor beam. The poor thing had no chance of escape. In a few short hours, I'd be boarding her “Milennium Falcon,” if you know what I mean. What I mean is, I'd be fucking her soon, for those of you slow on the uptake.

It was time for me to leave so she could finish the end of her shift. She stood up. I stood up. I followed her down the aisle. Then, a bizarre cataclysmic anomaly of physics manifested and arrested fate. I still don't understand this phenomenon. I doubt Carl Sagan could explain it. Anyway, I punched the girl. Hard. Imagine something on the order of a prime Mike Tyson after his opponent mocked his speech impediment. Now multiply that punch by the speed of light. That's how hard I decked this poor bitch.

Here's how it happened. Like I wrote, I was following her. She stopped to get my food tray. I raised my hand to execute a patented shoulder embrace, a soft gesture meant to say, don't worry; I'll get it; you just keep moving your fine self along your original trajectory and let ole LBB take care of that tray. A subtle touch here and there is the difference between “just friends” and “tits-and-ass soup.” One can use the touch to either set the mood, or assess conditions and plan accordingly. Then again, what do I know about romance? I punched a girl out while trying to seduce her.

Anyway, she stopped abruptly. The calculations for my shoulder-caressing gesture, therefore, were off by several inches. Instead of my open hand meeting ever-so-delicately with her shoulder, the punching side of my hand whacked the living crap out of her scapula. It was a haymaker. The impulse force was immense. It was one of those hits were all the kinetic energy transfers from the striker to the object. Baseball players and golfers call it the “sweet spot.” I literally couldn't have hit this girl any harder if I'd tried. The whole restaurant heard the punch as it reverberated off the walls and from plates of friend chicken and rolls. The next day, the local newspaper featured a story about an anomalous reading on a seismograph outside of Las Angeles, California.

She was in pain for like, 10 minutes. She was rubbing her shoulder and wincing. I stood there, speechless and sniveling, at the zenith of my douchebaggery. She realized it was accidental. But that didn't make it any less painful. Do you know how hard it is to recover a romantic interlude after you punch the girl out? Let me assure you, my friend, that it's almost impossible. I apologized about 56 times and bid the poor thing goodnight. I never disclosed my intent that evening to ask her for a date.

Ms. Puddin requested I write about the craziest place I had sex and the craziest place I farted.

I had sex with my future wife in the basement of the business at which we both worked. Neither of us works for that organization anymore. So I suppose I can disclose the fact that we engaged in sexual congress while on the clock. Because I'm still married to the girl, I can't disclose further details. Let me assure the reader that nothing is more thrilling than both parties getting paid while in sexual congress.

I let a fart rip at work a couple years ago, but I played it off beautifully. I was terribly embarrassed, but to the several ladies within earshot, I appeared to be deliberately flatulating for comedic effect. I had them convinced I was proud of it. I had only milliseconds to pose as a comedic farter. In that time I recovered from the shock, collected myself and hit my mark. It was brilliant. Sir Lawrence Olivier couldn't have cuddled one out with more poise and grace than I.

RoxRocks asked me to write about my biggest regret.

Great question. Let me see. My biggest regret is letting shyness rob me of a robust childhood. I wish I would have realized that shyness was a form of selfishness in time to enjoy the thousands of kids I ignored and shunned at school. Instead, I drudged my way through school speaking with few, knowing even fewer, joining virtually nothing, and cheating myself of what would have been some amazing times. I checked my shyness at the door years ago and simultaneously discovered the joy of other people – even though most people suck. I have no tolerance for shy people. My shyness derived from self-centeredness and conceit. It's the same with others, I suspect.

R.E.H. invited me to write about the deep meaning of sexual intercourse in all it's different forms.

I don't believe sex has a deep meaning. I believe it's a simple act. I also believe it triggers physiological events, such as pleasure-inducing hormones, that trick us into thinking something profound has taken place, much like hallucinogenic drugs do. It's evolution. Sex is important business in biological terms. So is sticking around to care for offspring. The way to trick humans into having sex often – and with a single partner, ideally – is to give them the vague sense that sexual intercourse is a profound act transcending biology and delving into love, spirituality, etc. As cynical as I may sound, I LOVE this effect. But I know Darwin is bamboozling me.

NWJR requested embedded microprocessor design.

That subject exceeds my scope of expertise. In fact, I'm void of expertise in any variety. But I can't let a great blogger and loyal reader leave empty handed. So I'll offer this. I'm fascinated by Moore's Law, a mathematical relationship between microchip processing power versus time (at ideal production cost), that has proved remarkably accurate over the last 40 years of computer science. Moore postulated that microchip processors double in power every 18 months. I have my own law regarding computer power, and I thank NWJR for giving me the opportunity to publish it. It goes like this:

Programmers will negate the gains quantified in Moore's Law by inflating code inefficiency to outstrip processing power such that (exempting improvements in graphics), computer users will become no more productive than at any previous time, and such that the likelihood of an application either freezing or pissing off the user remains constant. As with girls, programs get prettier with time, but they remain just as illogical and aggravating.

The Peanut Queen requested a sex story. I have several, but the worthwhile ones involve the wife. As I don't have her expressed written consent to publish our sexual adventures, I must pass on this request.

For Tornwordo: How much puke could a spook gook puke if a spook gook could puke puke?

I'm still working on the rest. Please know I'll address all of your fine picks. Thanks to all of you for your input.

Much love and regards,



Hammer said...

Thanks for answering.It all makes sense now :)

Tequila Mockingbird said...

ohhhhh i love brave new world!! if i were in that story, i would SO wear red!

i was off the grid for most of this week, so i missed the pick it post... if it's not too late to submit, i would like to ask you to write about. Chuck Norris vs Steven Seagall vs McGuyver. battle royal to the death; who would win?

The Thinking Man's Babe said...

Love, love, love Atlas Shrugged. Great call.

Loving Annie said...

Happy Valentine's Day to you and your wife, LLB !

Good answers to the questions, btw.

That poor waitress... auggghh !

The Great Gatsby is an excellent book - i also loved the movie with Robert Reford in it...

I think shyness is fear, not conceit though...

Sex at work is a turn-on...

You may be right about Darwin... sigh...

Anonymous said...

Well damn! Get that permission from your wife and let us know all of the juicy details of your sex life!

Happy Valentine's Day!

jillie said...

LOL...those are pretty damn funny! Although I've never had sex at work, I had been tempted one time when I was working late and a former boyfriend stopped by the office to hang out while I finished my charting. Little did I know, while we were fooling around at the nurses station, the last patient was still in the waiting room. I had forgotten that the Dr. told her I would walk her out when I finished with my work so she didn't have to walk into the parking structure alone...DUH!!! Oh well...she was old and her hearing was bad. She had no clue.

I hear you on the shyness...I was attached to my mom's leg until I was close to 16! YIKES!

Happy Valentines Day LBB ;o)

Fantastagirl said...

I've never had sex at my work... hmm bet that was a huge turn on.

I didn't know that about the blog name!

R.E.H. said...

Thank You. You just presented the laugh of the day with that dating story... or rather the date that would never be story.

Well, she must've thought you were a true knock-out, huh? ;)

cluck! said...

"I don't believe sex has a deep meaning. I believe it's a simple act...As cynical as I may sound, I LOVE this effect. But I know Darwin is bamboozling me."

I couldn't agree more!

Here's my topic: Which came first - the chicken or the egg?

OldHorsetailSnake said...

I am sorry I missed the fart fix. Must have been grand.

Little Wing said...

I have read Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance .....very good book.
Good answers, LBB, can't wait until the next batch!

Happy V Day for you and the wife.
Hope you play it right and get some of that meaningless sex tonight, LOL!!!!!

NWJR said...

I couldn't have imagined a better answer to my ridiculous topic. Bravo.

Mona said...

LBB, this is one of your finest post of all your fine posts ( But then it is hard to say which one is the finest as each new one outdoes the others)

You seem quite an erudite as far as the variety of books are concerned. I Love Animal Farm & brave New World ( Orwell's complete works were my topic of research work for my thesis) & I love to read philosophy too, although I have come to the conclusion that philosophy is like a prostitute as it can go with just anybody; & that to each philosophy there can be an equal and opposite philosophy. So I
stick to just plain ole truth as it come to me by way of experience...

Your Choice of the blog name makes sense & seems very apt! :)

LOL @ the transfer of the kinetic energy. It really does'nt know where it goes when it goes, & Only God knows... Really? the local newspaper featured about the seismograh outside Los Angles... Well they once traced an epicenter to me when I stamped my foot too...

Really is it so thrilling to get paid while in sexual congress? By those calculations the best job must belong to porn stars...
My theory is that the thrill lies in the forbidden element of the whole transpiration. So please rectify your views if you agree otherwise you may stick to yours if you wish :) ( I do not believe in sabotaging Human Free Will)

Oh it is all right to camouflage farting. I remember a person I know farting at a party while eating got so embarrassed that he started rubbing his plate with a finger making strange noises & overdoing it actually, till someone had to say "you know it doesn't come quite that close to the 'original' sound".

I swear, My biggest regret is the same as yours & I too discovered the joy of other people by checking that issue. Let me click glasses with you on that respect.. "To us"

I agree. Sex is stupid. I mean what can be more stupid than to keep on doing the same thing again & again night after night, & sometimes both day & night after day & night? It is like you say, a biological need, like hunger.. the only major difference being that the absence of it is not going to kill you like the absence of food might.

LOL! @ Your theory about computer power. May they continue to freeze & piss you many times multiplied , although in finer & more complicated terms than before.I do not believe the aggravation & the illogical part as remaining constant though. They ought to increase in direct proportion to prettiness till certain time & then inversely proportional with the decline of prettiness. That is when you know that your machine is wearing out & you ought to buy a new or learn to live with the old for the sentimental value of it; whatever you may choose to do as pr your Free Will.

A spook gook can puke? I had no idea!

MsPuddin said...

The Great Gatsby captured an awesome time in our history, love it!

Damn, I’m always complaining about the BGs at work…lol my coworkers always joke about getting me a bottle of pepto and tums…

ps- your wife is also awesome, simply for that story, she’s one smart cookie!

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Yeah, I get the whole "can't talk about it" thing....I do. Can't blame a girl for tryin'...;)

And I was EXTREMELY shy in school too...wish we could've hung out together. ;)

"chock full of unrequited love, unchecked ambition, friendship, bittersweet sentiment and disillusionment vis-a-vis the American Dream."

What a coincidence...I'm chock full of most of those things too! :)

Anonymous said...

ooh, this is some good stuff right here, LBB. i feel the same way about shyness. i was painfully shy as a kid. i regret feeling that way. great sex story too!! yowzas!

Have a great weekend!

Bella said...

Excellent posting, LBB.

LOVED The Great Gatsby as well. I'll never forget in college we did that book and I was excited because it was already one of my favs.

Cool on the blog name.


tornwordo said...

Thank you lbb, I admire your tongue twisting prowess. Plus, I got a hearty laugh.

Anonymous said...

Wonderfully humorous tales enticed through the inquiries of others. You're full of wit and charm; I think your wife must sit back and watch for the unfolding of adventures of life with LBB. Lucky woman!


Dan O. said...

An disagreement and an agreement.

I've always thought of my shyness, which to some extent exists today in social (including work) situations where I'm the new guy, is more distrust of other people or maybe even myself.

I don't want to show (share) too much of myself until I get a sense of who I'm dealing with. Once I get to know someone, like them, and feel I can trust them, then I'll open up to them.

I completely agree with your assessment of Moore's Law and your own Law regarding computer power. Computers aren't much more productive than 20 years ago thanks to programmers' bloatware.

Leighann said...

I'm glad I stopped by today, great post.

Off to read more!

ZenDenizen said...

You had sex at OSCO?!

random moments said...

Your peeps had some great questions! I loved your answer to the craziest fart place. I could never play that off. I was with a friend once who farted in church, beside me, then got up quickly to use the restroom leaving everyone around me to believe I was the offender.

TK Kerouac said...

great blog!

just me said...

i loved that story. Where you punched the chick.

...never though I'd put those two sentences together.

Little Wing said...

Right now I am laughing at our beautiful (AND smart) Mona. Starting with her statement, "sex is stupid"......
I never knew that sex could be stupid, but can believe that many people having it are quite stupid, LMAO!!!!

Jahooni said...

I am very impressed by you today... I miss seeing lightning bugs. I was born in Indiana and I can remember as a little girl catching them and putting them in mason jars... sometimes I would pull the body off and rub it over my clothes so I could glow too... opps, sorry but its true.
Anyhoo... great post but I didn't make the cut. :(

IDigHootchAndCootch said...

sex in the work place. nicely done. I've always wondered if fear of being caught reduced the time you were making the double-backed beast, or if people just lost themselves in the moment.

Leesa said...

You wrote, "I never had a bad date." Not sure a woman could ever write that sentence.

Loved all the stories.

Sassy Blondie said...

The Great Gatsby is one of my favorite books as well! No one EVER knows how good it is whenever I get the chance to mention it, however. :( Didn't people read when they were in school??

You were shy? Of course you were...I can spot the shy ones a mile away..or in this case, several hundreds of miles away. ;)

Bridget Jones said...

Great post. I really REALLY love lightening bugs/fireflies too. Can't get enough of them.

Also was shy throughout most of school. And loved The Great Gatsby. Have a lot of it memorized. Same thing with Lost Horizon.

Leesa's right, tho. I could write a book about ummm unusual dates.

Palm Springs Savant said...

LOL these are hilarious LBB. as always you amuse me and get me to spend way too much time onthe internet!

RoxRocks said...

I find it surprising that you were shy during your childhood! Wild how you went from that to your farting at work/having sex at work self! Heehee! Looking forward to part two!

Mona said...

To little Wing> It is not a question of your knowing or not, but such is the case. Sex IS stupid.Sex is the beginning, but not the end; and nothing is wrong with it if you take it as a beginning. It is only when you start clinging to it that things start going wrong.
It is not only sex, but whatever you are doing, Unless something comes out of it, it remains stupid.And it is stupid for the simple reason that it is indulged in without any awareness or with unintelligence. & whatever is unintelligent is stupid.
People do various things with the feeling that this is the right thing to do, or this is the intelligent thing to do & whatever space you are in is the right space.
But there are also things that we do , not knowing exactly why, or not knowing how we learned them. We just tend to imitate people & we do not operate out of any awareness. That not knowing why is stupidity & what you do out of not knowing is a stupid act.
Sex is one of the greatest intoxicants as it is in your very biology and it releases certain drug in your bloodstream and you become possessed; you are no longer in your senses and you do not know what you are doing. You are being FORCED to do it. Some unknown force, call it nature, biology, chemistry or hormones or whatsoever. Its some unknown force that forces you to do something. In your saner moments you will know that this was stupid and you will question yourself 'why?' The whole exercise seems so meaningless.
It may be the titillation for the moment, but same titillation again & again is a repetition, and you find that you are not reaching anywhere.
After making love, just think. Were you the mater of it or its slave? If you were the master of it then it is not stupid. If you were a slave then it is stupid , because by repeating that act you are making your slavery more & more strong. You are feeding it.
This is not a question to be decided by any argument, but only by your own understanding...

Midas said...

Ugh, this is what happens when I don't visit. Something really fun going on. It's like missing on a book drawing. That would really suck because one can never have enough books. I own all those titles you mention LBB, I just haven't read them.

I am looking for the perfect window between my romantic fiction. I mean, all those studly vampires getting married and having their ass kicked have kept me so busy!

I think COLD SASSY TREE by Olivia Ann Burns is a wonderful book, and SHE'S COME UNDONE by Wally Lamb is great...even though it's such a depressing events...it's great. I should also mention POISONWOOD BIBLE by Kingsolver, and THE RED TENT by Anita somebody.

Bennet said...

Very interesting insights.

I was pretty shy back in school & feel much the same way. Although I believe sometimes shyness can be a byproduct of insecurities, or just not feeling comfortable abound certain groups.
I still tend to become rather shy around reserved groups or loud Bible belts because those people kind of scare me.

" It's like a box of fucked up chocolates you don't wanna know what you're gonna get."

Scottsdale Girl said...

Dammit. Missed another golden opportunity.

jillie said...

I use to smear lightening bugs on my shirt when I was a kid. How my mother HATED that! Now I feel bad for the little guys...

DC said...

Good lord, this is the second time The Great Gatsby has come up this week and it's only Tuesday. But if LBB thinks it's a good book then I must - like an automaton - make a pilgrimage to Borders and bring forth this literary nectar of the gods.

...I have to admit I am a little disappointed that you are not going to illuminate us with your thoughts on embedded microprocessor design though. Dammit.

Muze said...

i love this post! what a great concept. i see you have good taste in literature. i've got to read the great gatsby. i'm ashamed i haven't. lol.

Kayla said...

Saw you on Snow's blog and had to check out your blog...glad I did as I enjoyed a good laugh from your date story and fart story!

Susan as herself said...

I love "Brave new World" also but never colud stand "Animal Farm."


Violet said...

Totally with you on "Brave New World." One of my faves. I really enjoyed "The Fountainhead" but have tried a couple of times and never found the time to finish "Atlas Shrugged." Maybe I should give it another try.

Damn... just think of all the fried chicken you could've gotten if that girl had ended up as the lucky Mrs. LBB...

Interesting perspective you give on shyness. I've never been one that is described as shy, although I have to say that I don't know that I agree that ALL shy people have that trait because they are self-centered and conceited. Some probably do, though.

I haven't had a whole lot of time to read blogs lately, but I like your new template. Very nice.

Jahooni said...

are you finished with #2?

Little Wing said...

Mona I will NEVER look at sex the same again!!!!!!!
I feel so STUPID!!!!!!!!!!

Midas said...

I thought it's about time I let you know.

I got something for you here.