3/05/2008

Bullet-ins

  • I predict Steve Job's resignation letter will read: iQuit.

  • If Julius Caesar used a Mac: iCame, iSaw, iConquered.

  • I haven't seen a guy exhibit more sex appeal than Barak Obama since Michael Jackson moonwalked his narrow ass across a stage back when Thriller was topping the charts. Barak is Billy Dee Williams and Denzel rolled up into one caramel-coated Sugar Daddy. I think they should make a sports drink after Barak and call it High-Baraktane. The slogan? It tastes like Hope and quenches your thirst for Change.

  • I have a friend with a chronic flatulence problem. The other day he fired an SBD that caught me off guard. This happens often. I told him, You're the Lee Harvey Oswald of snipe-farting. He relished in the compliment.

  • There's a guy who invented the combination firearm safety lock. Ironically, a criminal gunned him down just days before he had the chance to bring his invention to market. A quick dialer, the would-be inventor managed to set 4 of the 5 numbers needed to unlock the safety device before succumbing to a fatal gunshot. His dying words were, “Ah crap! Did I pass number 38 or not? Hey you. Hold your fire. I need to turn the dial around a couple times and reset this god da...”

  • My new car has a sunroof, which is good because now my extended middle finger is 74% more visible to tailgaters and other roadway assholes.

  • Coasters prevent condensation from soiling the coffee table, but increase the likelihood of an accidental spill. Either way, the coffee table is in chronic jeopardy. An astute observer will extrapolate from this dilemma that human effort is futile and that life itself is hopeless. Let's hope that beverage is alcoholic.

  • I've observed a promising trend. We're become less vulgar. For example, we're using words like bullcrap (instead of “bullshit”), eff (instead of “fuck”), and douche bag (a fraction as vulgar as asshole, fucker, etc.). At the root of this movement is a quest to reclaim our innocence. Either that or we've realized our parents have been reading our blogs.

  • I read in the news today that an Israeli scholar suspects that Moses was under the influence of psychedelic drugs when he heard God deliver the Ten Commandments on Mt. Sinai, and also when he saw the Burning Bush. Great. Just in case there was anybody on the planet who didn't already hate Israel, this scholar publicly reduced God's prophet to a high school stoner with a bag of 'shrooms and a hall pass. Who's doing Israel's PR work? Halliburton?

47 comments:

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Oh hell no. My parents reading my blog???? Never. NEV-ER. I'd have to shut her down....and then shoot myself.

And I am SO getting a sunroof now! ;)

Damsel Underdressed said...

"I read in the news today that an Israeli scholar suspects that Moses was under the influence of psychedelic drugs..."

As if we didn't know that already. I'm sure everything in the bible had a scientific explanation.

random moments said...

WHAT? Am I first??

Yep, same reason why I love my sunroof. Oh, who am I kidding. I don't have the balls (literally) to flip anyone off. *sigh*

NWJR said...

Moses wasn't high...it was just the thin air.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

RoxRocks said...

I, for one, will never clean up on the vulgarity, in spite of my own efforts. Believe it or not, I swear more effective and creatively in the reals than I ever do on the blog. I'm gifted with this ability. :)

My coffee table is made of slate tiles, fun to wipe up.

I need a sunroof! I would love it if my finger was 74% more visible!!!

Oh great One said...

Julius Caesar? Only you would come up with that. You clever clever man.

Lyvvie said...

Bullcrap even sounds dumb. We openly cuss and swear around our kids, then tell them they can't say those words I'll be damned if my kids don't grow up learning how to cuss a blue stream from the start and from a professional.

Mike said...

Even better than the sunroof, is the window in the back of a pick up truck.

This fits an ass perfectly for mooning.

Mo said...

I wish my Jeep had a sunroof. Of course this is Texas and I have a greater chance of getting my ass shot at.

Bella said...

Why do we even call a coffe table a coffee table anyway?

I hate coffee.

Oh, another effin' brilliant post.

Bella

OldHorsetailSnake said...

What would Latigo Flint make of this? You suppose he knows about sunroofs?

The Doggy Did It said...

That is EXACTLY why I have a moonroof.

It's fucking bullshit when my douchebag parents read my blog.

Paul said...

Yep, both mothers AND daughters are reading the blogs of sons and fathers.

ZenDenizen said...

Barack as Billy Dee! Love it!

Laughing through my chardonnay said...

I would tap Obama's ass and the entire time I would say "YES WE CAN".

R.E.H. said...

I think one of the reasons we choose to use words like bullcrap is because it sounds funny - not because we are sparing our readers from the foul language... fuck that!

See, that's why I use a PC... I is spelled with a capital I not "i".

Ashley said...

I have to admit, I have used my sunroof for that very reason.

I just found out my sister has been reading my blog...yikes!

katie said...

Hhaha! Why do you think i always say mother effing instead of mother fucking? My Ma found my mother fucking blog, man!! but i know i can say fuck over at LBB's blog without fear of judgment and without Ma finding me over here. :)

Have a great day, LBB!

MsPuddin said...

fck a sports drink, Obama needs a music video and a clothing line, if we are going to do it, we might as well do it right...!

Ari said...

You've got a lot of heavy lifting in this one! Coaster use/nihilism = brilliance. To tie together two of these, I saw a lady holding up a Hillary sign yesterday as I passed a polling place and came incredibly close to flipping her off. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's the futility of existence. Do you suppose Barack can slather some hopey-hopey-change-change onto the chronic problem of spilled beverages?

Fantastagirl said...

I have a sunroof for the same reason - only when kids aren't in the truck (of course).
family members found my old blog - why do you think I'm "Fantastagirl" now...

Mona said...

Big Butt? Did you call me?...

I heard an isound of your ivoice accompanied by an ifart so most probably you were with your friend when you called...
btwn...what is the job of this Steve Job?

On the other hand, If Mac used Julius Caesar: icame, isaw, iconkedout .

That would be a precious and most probably an expensive drink! Ps> will they put a barrack around that one for protection?

That is a safety lock, safely put away before it became unsafe...

Big Butt? You stick out your middle finger at tailgaters? Shame on you!
Your "chappar phaad" has an excellent rapport with your "chootadh phaad". I wish I could explain those terms of Hindi to you , but I'm afraid my brain is not equipped to do that right now. Please get someone to do that for you, or let the heart of this comment go to waste, as you may please.

yea, both the coffee table and the womb are ALWAYS in chronic jeopardy from accidental spill... I agree...

I also agree, that we are devising the etiquette of cussing. If my parents were reading my blog I would let out a stream of obscenities just for the pleasure of knowing that they were read them!

The Israeli scholar is saying that Today? I heard the Nietzsche said that a long time ago when he called religion "opium of the masses"...

christopherc said...

Another lovely set of snippets... as for my resignation, I think I'll do the two pages.

The first page will say "I Quit!" wrapped around a dildo with the second page addressed solely to my director simply stating what he can go and do with himself and the dildo.

I revel in such thoughts!

WendyB said...

Hilarious!

snowelf said...

LBB!! My new car has a sunroof too, and I'd be flipping people off with more style if I wasn't afraid my fingers would get frostbite in the process!

I am totally less vulgar than I used to be. I didn't notice it until you mentioned it, but that is so true. I wonder why that is? I personally just think eff is fun to say. Or maybe I'm just too lazy to say the whole word?

--snow

Christina_the_wench said...

Didn't we bomb Israel yet? What are we waiting for? I totally need to watch CNN more.

ChickenStrip said...

Excellent!

tornwordo said...

I saw that article too. I figure soon they'll say everyone who saw Jesus walk on water was on psychedelic drugs .

Crazy Me said...

Less vulgar ... parents reading blogs?! What the fudge is the world coming to?

Yo Momma said...

oh man...did they say what Moses was takin?? Where can a sistah get a hook up Mo? damn...that is some good stuff!

Jahooni said...

well i guess you can say that getting into a car accident and leaving us all wondering what the eff happened to you, you come out with a shiny new car with a sun roof that you can now flip us the bird? NICE! Lucky us. I often visit AZ, so I will be watching for you....

As far as every other thought, where in the effin do you come up with this bullcrap? ;)~

The Troll said...

Not bad.

jillie said...

I have 3 dogs that can clear the room with SBD is miliseconds FLAT!

As for the High-Baraktane? I'll take some of that...we are LONG over due for some change and there is no way in hell I want a vagina, I mean, Hilary for president...pfffft!

Have a good wknd LBB ;o)

Sassy Blondie said...

God, I miss my sunroof...

Obama's achille's heel: his arrogant, stepfordish wife...

My iPod died...:(

R.E.H. said...

Just thought I should let you know... I've got an award for you over at my place!

C said...

I have a flatulent female co-worker that literally asks me to walk ahead her so she can fart without fear of my being in her line of fire. She'll even warn me when they stink. I could never fart in public and admit. I can't admit I do at home. I really don't.

Palm Springs Savant said...

Trying to reclaim our innocence? Is that even possible (grin). I think your second theory about realing our parents are reading is more accurate!

Midas said...

My sunroof would only be useful if I sit on two packs of pillow or 4 phone book so my middle finger can be vissible. Being short sucks sometimes.

Mother, Wife, Et cetera, Etc.,

Little Wing said...

Hi LBB!
I have been away for over a week, but here I am again!

LMAO at Mona and her... 'the womb are ALWAYS in chronic jeopardy from accidental spill..'

Better watch out LBB, you have competition in our Mona!

Actually I have a sunroof also, but the Redneck women here in Northern Cali. scare me too much to flip them off!

Great post LBB and congrats on the new set of wheels!

Dan O. said...

"I think they should make a sports drink after Barak and call it High-Baraktane. The slogan? It tastes like Hope and quenches your thirst for Change."

And costs $150.00 per bottle.


Great points, one and all, LBB!

Dave Morris said...

"He relished in the compliment." Ironically, relish gives me chronic flatulence.

Douche bag remains my favorite pejorative. Something originally so positive in nature, turned straight to ... crap.

BV said...

To me douche bas is totally offensive. I mean, I use the word, you're not offending me personally. But, just think of what a douche bag is. That's pretty offensive. Then again, so is a smelly pussy.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

that's why i go for a glass coffee table. makes all of my drunken spilling easier to clean up. AND if i pass out shortly thereafter without cleaning up, it doesnt dick up the coffee table.

Preposterous Ponderings said...

Snipe farting.....ha ha ha OMG too funny!

Little Wing said...

What, ya don't stop by my blog anymore????!!!!

Mona said...

Oh no no no Little wing! God forbid that I may ever be in competition with my Big Butt... ! If I ever were to do that, then I'll be 'Over stretching' myself!

Big Butt is Unique, One & only... I am just an extended tail...

Sue said...

Ah, I get what you were saying before about knowing me. haha.

Love your blog, especially this post. I haven't had a good gut-busting laugh for a while now! Thanks!