3/31/2008

Bullet-ins

  • I'm waiting for the class action lawsuit in which convicted sex offenders sue Apple, Inc. to discontinue using the name iTouch for their products.
  • Back when gas was $1.30/gallon, I sometimes opted for the higher octane to give my car a special treat, like drinking premium tequila instead of my usual Walgreen's brand (I call it Walgrila). But now that a tank of gas costs about as much as a date with Ashley Dupré, I'm looking for the cheapest gas I can buy. I wish they had a lower grade than 87-octane. Can't they dilute the gas with something cheap? Because I'd buy it. How about a 50-octane fuel cut with Jolt Cola? Or, how about I spray a couple cans of Aqua Net down the tube and start it up with a Bic lighter?
  • I was driving down the express way when I read a road sign: “Do Not Follow Trucks.” What am I supposed to do instead? Turn around and go home? What if the trucks are going to the same place I'm headed? Come to think of it, we're all headed the same place: down the fucking road. I'm not just following some of the trucks; I'm following all of them! Up yours, Mr. Road Sign Guy.
  • Can you language buffs help me out? Is it coincidental or ironic that Christian rock is my personal version of Hell? I always confuse those two words.
  • How strange that we love our cars but hate driving. Or that we love having sex, but that kids annoy us.
  • I wish liberals were as obsessed with economic efficiency as much as fuel efficiency.
  • In life, you have to go the extra mile to get ahead. For example, most guys merely masturbate. I make love to my hand.
  • It's neat how the Bible has names for the chapters instead of numbers. For instance, it's not Chapter 1. It's “Genesis,” like the rock band, only not as boring. Also, the Bible has chapters like Joshua, Mark, Luke and Titus. Other books should do this. Jurassic Park, for example, could have chapter titles like T Rex and Dr. Malcolm and Hot Scientist Chick. And Ted Kennedy's memoirs would be a more endearing read with Chapters like John, Robert, and Joe. One chapter that you wouldn't find in Kennedy's memoirs – Lifeguard.
  • I read in the news that citizens of Cuba will be allowed to buy toasters and air conditioners starting in 2010. Before then, these items are contraband. The government prohibits them because they use too much electricity. Let me get this straight. You can get first-rate health care in Cuba. You just you can't toast bread. I guess they power all those hospitals and clinics by burning tobacco.

38 comments:

ZenDenizen said...

Hey Genesis was pretty happening when Peter Gabriel still fronted it :)

Bella said...

Re: The $ of a tank of gas- How about a more fuel efficent car or (yes, I'm going to say it)...HYBRID?

=) Bella

christopherc said...

I think the answer to your riddle of christian rock being a personal hell is merely an ironic coincidence!

OldHorsetailSnake said...

I love the concept: 87-Octane, 78-Octane, 54-Octane, what-will-it take-to-make-Lizzy-die-on-you?

Anonymous said...

The Cubans are getting cell phones too! I think only government officials were allowed to have them before. Weird.

I can't get the image of you making love to your hand out of my head.

-Rox

NWJR said...

"In life, you have to go the extra mile to get ahead. For example, most guys merely masturbate. I make love to my hand."

I thought your life's work revolved around doing as LITTLE as possible, and here you are going the extra mile! What happened?

Keep this up and you won't be an inspiration any more, LBB. You'll just be another drone, a mere working bee in the hive. Stand strong, man!

Ashley said...

So true, I love my car but I can't stand to drive. I just want to park the car for a week. I hate it, plus it would save me about $100!

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

That whoel Cuba thing is insane. I heard he's also letting them rent hotel rooms now too? What the HELL???

I've got some moonshine that my Dad makes that actually will burn a blue flame instead of the normal orangy color. I bet that shit would fuel a rocket so I'm sure it'd fuel a car. I'll send you some...;)

tornwordo said...

Making love to the hand, that got a laugh out of me.

Breazy said...

You sure do have a way with words! I am seriously thinking about purchasing a Hybrid because I am on the go all the time and it can't be helped and I am sick of paying the awful prices we pay for gas.

I can't stand Christian rock either it makes me want to hurt somebody.

Hope you have a great day!

Ginormous Man Boobs said...

Jolt Cola...that stuff will take you to the moon!

Mona said...

actually they should discontinue to use the word APPLE. It was the first every dirty word. Remember Eve?

& they have come up with gas from green plants in India that have runned cars. It is not in the market yet though...

Yea! Up Yours roads sign guy! You should have said " do not follow trucks, follow tracks. Don't you realize that you are lost in the jungle aka Tom Thumb?"

It is ironic actually. Muslim rock is MY personal version of Hell!

love & hating cars and sex and kids respectively is like cause & effect theory. When your hand itches to slap someone and you do that, you initiate a cause to which there WILL undoubtedly be an effect : you will be slapped back & harder!

Obsession of any kind is a disease. Whether economic or fuel...

You make love to your hand? hehehe. At least now i am sure you will know the difference & realize the value of a vagina!

Manes or numbers... they are both the same. They are both there for the sake of Utilitarian necessity! For example, no baby was born with a name tag attached to its cute bottom. He only got it later so s to identify him from others. Later when the same child went to jail, he became a number...

At least burning tobacco to power hospitals ( no puns intended) is better than burning tobacco to dis power lungs!

R.E.H. said...

Make love to your hand? What... are we going to start having responsibilites to our hands now? What if we cheat on it? Will it be mad at us and punch us in the face?

gusgreeper said...

making the initial appointment for abc with the dr. today to get a V. we belong to the no kids club and they are free over here. one of our friends goes tomorrow :P

Tequila Mockingbird said...

to me, it is instinctual that christian rock is my version of hell. i think if it had been around when sartre was, instead of hell being other people like he originally thought, it wouldve been creed.

Chardsy said...

"Making love to my hand" reminds me of a comic who once said "I knwo you have to give love to receive love, that's why I wack off constantly."

VE said...

Funny stuff. I was behind a truck with a logo "We're behind you all the way". I found it ironic they placed that sticker on the back of all their trucks because clearly they aren't behind me at all!

bitchtasm said...

In life, you have to go the extra mile to get ahead. For example, most guys merely masturbate. I make love to my hand.

No matter how much you make love to your hand, you're still not getting head.

*boom*tish*

Yeah I know it was lame. Shaddup. I'm on holidays already.

The Kept Woman said...

"One chapter that you wouldn't find in Kennedy's memoirs – Lifeguard."

Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeean!!!

*~*Cece*~* said...

When I graduated HS, in 1991, gas was $.99 a gallon! I feel old now.

Superstar said...

I met a man who named his left hand harmony and his right rosie...HEHEHEHEH

Jolt cola??? They still make that stuff???

Chick said...

I seriously can not help but wonder...what do you get for thousands of dollars from a girl like Ashley Dupré? Really? What?

ChickenStrip said...

Love them all but Ted made me laugh harder than just about anything, except the Christian Rock thing.

Jahooni said...

I completely forgot was i was going to say after seeing the Commentor's pic of Ginormous Man Boobs!!!! OMGOSH... ewwwwwy!

Okay, wait a minute... nope still can't think of it.

jillie said...

LOL@ your 1st one. I remember when gas was .70/gallon!! I thought THAT was expensive. Wish I could help you with the Christian rock but I have no clue what that even is...lol!!

Sassy Blondie said...

It seems going the extra mile did get you a head.

And your Starbucks observation was dead on...must be why I love you, LBB.

Perhaps at some point, they'll get some kind of converter box to install in our cars that will give us hybrid efficiency...like when our TVs have to go to hi-def? I mean, shouldn't they work something out like that since the price of neither hi-def televisions nor hybrids seem to be coming down?

snowelf said...

I'm convinced my car would run perfectly on jolt!!

It's an ironic coincidence. Of all the people you know, you know you can take my word on that! I'm like an expert. ;)

--snow

Liise said...

Cars/kids = Ironic

Christian Rock = coincidental

Yer welcome and EMAIL A BItch...I hate that you are gone from my life...

Mr Pineapples said...

Oh Goodness me

Mr Pineapples said...

Blog owner approval?

Oh - another control freak methinks

How safe and boring.

Becky said...

I had no idea they named that chapter in the bible after the band Genesis... Crazy third world countries and they dictators.

Oh great One said...

You da man!

The Troll said...

It certainly isn't "ironic". It really really pisses me off when people misuse that word.

Hey, ignorant inbred Canuck leftist slut-face Alanis Morissete? A fly in your chardonnay is gross. Especially if you continue drinking it. It could also be called annoying.

It is NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT IRONIC.

Neither is rain on your wedding day. In fact nothing in your entire stupid fucking song is ironic.

Isn't that ironic?

MsPuddin said...

I’m with you on that whole gas idea. What about kool aid? My mom says that kool aid has enough sugar in it to last a long time without going bad. I’m sure a tank of kool aid could get me to the liquor store…plan b, a scooter.

Steph said...

Walgreen's sells tequila? You mean I could have been regulating my kids' sleep schedules for less than the price on a bottle of Don Julio? Why didn't I get this memo?

Dave Morris said...

I think it qualifies as irony.

When you make love to your hand, do you also stroke the hair on the back of it? Make circles around your knuckles with your free hand? Put on a glove during safe sex awareness week?

Muze said...

you are a mess.

i used to 'treat' my car Rubi all the time. had to get rid of her ...she started getting expensive.

that is a stupid sign. don't follow trucks? umm okay. then again, i don't like stop signs either. LOL.

what would your chapter title be?

lol @ wagrila.

Muze said...

and, you're silly for making love to your hand. lol.

do you put on mood music and everything too? ha!