3/12/2008

I told you so!

On 6/13/2005 I made the following predictions, below. I've highlighted those that have come to pass in bold font. I stand by those that that to date have not yet become reality. Give them time.

  • Hawkish Pentagon officials clamor for more of federal pie to go to defense. Doves in Congress agree as long as military actions are humanitarian efforts having no discernible American interest.
  • If you smoke, drive an SUV, go to church, eat meat, own property, spank your kids, eat fast food, or display an American flag by your doorstep -- there will be a new group who hates you and is currently appealing to the ACLU to sue or prosecute you out of existence. They’re just looking out for your rights.
  • A few more nations will decide they hate the United States.
  • Crude oil prices will climb, OPEC will claim its hands are tied. The government will raise taxes on fuel. American consumer will take it in the shorts.
  • Stock prices will stagnate; average business executive salaries and bonus packages will surge 55%.
  • A government program fails to deliver on promises. Washington insists it needs more funding. Republicans and Democrats will clash on how much more.
  • Israeli-Palestine talks will result in peace. No, I’m just kidding. They still hate each other.
  • Shortening and jawbreakers will be the new health foods.
  • B-list bimbo will “accidentally” lose pornographic recording of her sexing some has-been low-life. The performance will be uploaded to the Internet. B-list bimbo will become A-list bimbo. [Gene Simmons]
  • School grades prove that kids keep getting dumber and more violent, but they’re even better at using computers than they are today.
  • An evil genius will take over the world by installing hypnotic marching orders into I-pod circuitry.
  • A revolutionary new diet fad will grip America and everybody will get 10 pounds fatter [What Would Jesus Eat? A little pussy, if the mood struck him right.].
  • There will be a bunch more crappy-sitcoms and yet another CSI crime drama series.
  • Millions of women will develop dark-purple smudges on their lower backs where tattoos used to be. Men will have a similar discolored ring around their upper biceps.
Nostradamus ain't got shit on me.

38 comments:

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Damn...and I LOVE jawbreakers too.

You are talking about the candy, right??? Not the other kind of jawbreakers. Don't get me wrong, I like those too...;)

And I CANNOT STAND Gene Simmons.

NWJR said...

"# A government program fails to deliver on promises. Washington insists it needs more funding. Republicans and Democrats will clash on how much more."

Dude, have you NOT been paying attention? Shrub wants more money for the war. Tell me that doesn't meet your criteria!

R.E.H. said...

Darn, dude! You're right. Nostradamus' got nothing on you!

Mona said...

Ok Mr. 71.428571% soothsayer. We 'sort of' believe you!

"Nostrodamus! Nostrodamus! He says you aren't going to shit on him! Is that true?"

Duh Huh... Big Butt.. (gulp) He just said he ain't even gonna piss on ya!

Don't worry... I will hiss & spit on him & boot him outta here. I'm sorry I called him..

( To Nostradamus> Get outta here You gnnngnnngnn......)

The Doggy Did It said...

Dude, I am really looking forward to CSI: Seattle, every crime turns out to be a suicide.

Or CSI Detroit. One dude with a fisher price doctor kit, and a microscope from 1978, stolen from the high school science lab.

But really I am secretly the most excited about CSI: Desmoines.

RoxRocks said...

That's kind of freaky, you know.

Demon Hunter said...

Whoa. Your predictions are alarmingly accurate. It's showing a steady decline indeed---scary.

Nostradamus can officially get some rest! ;*)

Dan O. said...

Wow! You should get a 900 number or a TV show or both!

ZenDenizen said...

You need to check out the movie, Idiocracy for more predictions!

Christina_the_wench said...

Wow. Amazing. Does your brilliance ever scare you?

Can't believe I am first too. Or am I?

Call me Maniac. said...

"An evil genius will take over the world by installing hypnotic marching orders into I-pod circuitry."

Priceless! You are probably correct on this. We have to iPods in our family.

random moments said...

*gasp* You said the P word. Shame shame.

Are you speaking of the "tramp stamp" and the "I'm-a-bad-ass-look-at-my-tribal/barbed wire tat"? I have both!

Kidding.

snowelf said...

AND--the stocks aren't doing very well...so you're really close on that one too!

Should be call you nostra-bug-butt?

;)

--snow

~Fathairybastard~ said...

Oh no he diden't. Jebus givin' face? Lord above! That would render all those "Oh God, Oh God..." shreaks sort of redudnant. He'd have to pause over and over to say, "What?"

And yea, death, taxes, and yet another Law-n-Order/CSI.

Hammer said...

So how do you feel about "Battered Beaver" at 20 to 1 in the 4th race?

Breazy said...

You are good dude...lol!

I only watch CSI Miami and sometimes the Vegas one but Miami is my favorite.

Mona said...

Big Butt! Big Butt! Listen to this. They say that apple ipods are going kaput catching fire on their own, whther you set them to charge or whether they are resting in your pockets!

I am sure that evil genius marched into them!!

Ok now you are upgraded to 78.62894 % soothsayer!

Damsel Underdressed said...

You're just a regular third eye, aren't you?

Say, what can you tell me about my love life? ;)

Steph said...

See? I posit that you're prediction about "A few more nations will decide they hate the United States" is bogus. Is there a single nation left who likes the United States?

Mo said...

Dude! You ARE good!

The Troll said...

Good predictions. Although I think "checking into rehab" will eventually replace the "accidental" release of sex tape.

Can't tell you how many bimbos I've FIRST heard of when they announce they have a drug/sex/booze/ addiction.

Muze said...

hilarious!

tell me... will i be a millionaire in five years? lol.

will it be because i ended up dumping the bf and marrying some old rich italian guy?

lemme know. lol.

Ari said...

I used TaxAct to do my taxes and it gave me a breakdown of where my 2007 tax money went (which was fascinating). About a grand went for defense. I pretty much think it's worth it though, preferring the Army, Navy, Air Force and Marines to say, Brinks Home Security.

ChickenStrip said...

I'm anxiously awaiting the health food prediction to come to fruition.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

i guarentee that if they do a new CSI, they'll have the fucking Who singing the theme song.

Chardsy said...

"An evil genius will take over the world by installing hypnotic marching orders into I-pod circuitry."

Depending on who gets elected in November this might actually happen!

MsPuddin said...

Damn, so there really is no way I can get rid of this tramp stamp??? *throws hands up in the air, running around in circles, yelling �we re all gonna die�!!!*

tornwordo said...

That oil thing is so creepy. I read today that "to be fair, the gas stations have been selling gas at a loss for the last few days" in response to the fact that they went up 12% yesterday. This is local news and the local price is $4.60 a gallon and they've been selling at a loss. Yeah, right.

Little Wing said...

I'm taking it in the shorts.
You are good!

Yo Momma said...

You are so ready for long papal like robes, and a small "psychic" tent with a huge eyeball on it, placed conveniently between the fried twinkies and the giant turkey leg vendors at the county fair.

I would totally pay the 5 bucks to see you. I believe!!!

Ashley said...

Wow...that is kind of crazy!

I am glad you are wrong about shortening and jawbreakers, that makes me a little sick...yuck-o!

Mona said...

So how long does one wallow in 'I told you so'?

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Wait a minute! I think executive salaries HAVE surged 55 percent, or more. It all depends on how bad the company did. For a company that went into bankruptcy, the salaries were increased like 100 percent or more.

Superstar said...

I like the programs CSI...but for the record...the finger print dust is a MENACE and they should give every victim a free clean coupon...

I actually like Gene Simmons. I think he is an arogant jerk...but what rock star from the 80's wasn't??? HEHEHEHEHEH

Rob said...

Keep up the predictions. You're one up on Nostradaus

jillie said...

Ugh to Gene Simmons! He is SOOOOO ugly. Just can't stand the man. That guy has to be older than dirt because I remember him from the early 70's!

Anywhoooooo....Happy St. Patrick's Day ;o)

Tequila Mockingbird said...

happy st paddys day. hope you are getting somewhere in the vicinity of how drunk i will be getting

Loving Annie said...

You are doing well on your predictions, aren't you ? Uh-oh, I'm SUV guilty :)
Happy St. Patrick's Day to you, Rich !