3/25/2008

Three for the road

It's funny when people with dirty last names try to change them by contriving some absurd, foreign pronunciation. For example, take the surname, Buttram. It's pure, undiluted vulgarity, and also funny. Yet Mr. Buttram will correct you and explain that it's pronounced “boo-TRAHM.” Nice try, dude. Why not just face it? You're named after a gay sex act. Here's another example: the surname, Fuchs. Mr. Fuchs will have you believe that you pronounce his name “FYOOKS” (rhymes with REBUKES). Bullcrap! Your last name, sir, as you well know, is pronounced FUCKS. And know that I'll will be addressing your as Mr. FUCKS at every opportunity, especially when I must have you paged overhead at a local pharmacy or a public sporting event. Come on, dude. How do you get FYUKES from Fuchs? Where does the “Y” come from? Best possible scenario, your name is FUCH (rhymes with “such”). And that sounds kinda gay.


When you accidentally bump your keyboard, how do you manage to press the most disastrous key or combination thereof? It's never just a couple of numbers or a semicolon or a harmless Caps Lock. It's always a permutation of computing chaos. I'm usually running a word processing program at the time. I accidentally graze the keyboard while eating or something. Crikey! The colors change. The display inverts. It highlights and deletes blocks of text. Pull-down menus I've never seen before appear – and they never have X-out, quit buttons. You can't get rid of them. They just hang out uninvited and with no plans of leaving, ever, like a drunk uncle at holiday dinner. And I can never figure out what the hell buttons I pressed so that I might undo whatever I've done. Meanwhile, I know my computer's up to something sinister because I can hear the hard drive grinding. I'm scrambling to click the save button before my work flushes into cyberspace. Also, when I accidentally typed those keys, I somehow agreed to install an Internet-based virus and order a 1000-count pack of party favors on eBay. Dammit! What the hell did I press?


Those of you who've been hating on the economy for the last 7 and ½ years, good news! A recession is finally on the way (you won't have to make-believe anymore). I don't base my prediction on macroeconomic facts and figures, unemployment or inflation rates, commodities prices or currency strength. I forecast the economy with my LBB Starbucks Macroeconomic Indicator. LBB's SMI measures how many SUV-driving, Apple Powerbook-toting, George Bush-haters are drinking $5 cups of coffee (often while decrying the economy). The SMI assumes that the more middle class people walking around with $5 cups of coffee, the better the economy. Bad news, folks. Starbucks reports flattening sales and revenues. The coffee peddler's stock is down. And they've stopped building a new store every 45 minutes! This, I'm afraid, is the precursor to a recession.

42 comments:

WendyB said...

There's a poor fellow with the last name of Fucker interred at Pere Lechaise Cemetery in Paris.

Fantastagirl said...

In High School the star athlete's last name was FUCHS... and no one could pronounce it right. So funny!

NWJR said...

I once dated a woman who met someone that named their kid "chlamydia" because she liked the way it sounded.

I'd blame George Bush, but I can't find a connection.

Shoshana said...

LOL. This reminded me of SNL skit with Nicholas Cage. His name is pronounced 'As We Pay' but it's really spelled 'Asswipe'

I mean how do you get away from that?

Shoshana

christopherc said...

Back in the days of working the ER, I was amazed at what folks would nae children. One african-American had named twin boys Ebony and Mahogany. There was an infant girl name Syphilis.

At any rate, these are interesting observations from you ... just as one would expect. Especially the obvious, but astute observation regarding Starbucks.

Glad I have you bookmarked... it helps keep reality in check for me!

-C

Mona said...

Buttram Would pronounce are Butt Raam in India, which will be a desecration of a deity as Far as Hindu Community goes. Ram is a Hindu Deity & they will not like anyone calling him Butt , Big Butt.

Now I know, Your Mac is a Girl.

I can prove it with the Empirical evidence related to its psychological behavior.

(Slaps hand on the forehead) Do you know that you have done Big Butt? The buttons you have pressed are her nipples and that tantamount s to molestation which has her 'grinding' her teeth & also Curse at you with something like this : !@#$%^&
Now she is about to Explode & computing Chaos will naturally ensue !

Why did you do that Big Butt? Shame on you for molesting nice girls by teasing their boobs!

What a relief to know that the recession is finally here. I have been telling that Goddamned Recession for so long ; "Either be here, or be be there. But For God's sake BE ! "

Sue said...

hahaha, This reminds me of a rant by Lewis Black about what parents name their kids. There are Kochs in our area. They insist it's pronounced "Coke" Right.

sogratefultobemormon.wordpress.com said...

i have a last name for ya. i knew a family and their last name was KNIPPLE. no joke. but, no, did they pronounce it making the K silent. you know, sounds like NIPPLE. nope, they pronounced it ... sound it out with me (he he) ... KANIPPLE. yeah right!! he he. wild and bizarre last names are fascinating to me. i always wonder, ooooo, i would hate to have that one ... or i wish i could have had that one. night, kathleen

R.E.H. said...

Love those last names. Funny as hell... Way back I had a neighbor whose last name was Cock... yes, spelled like that and there is no way around how to pronounce it...

Leighann said...

I went to high school with a chick named LaTwatta

She was incredibly popular as you can imagine.

~gkw said...

This post reminded me I'm glad that my name is not Dick Trickle....

Tequila Mockingbird said...

one of my best friends in highschool had a last name of "Buttice"... now, of course everyone wants to call her BUTT-ICE, but she insisted the pronounciation was "B-yu-teese"... hey whatever helps you sleep through the night!

asianpixie said...

Reminds me of the Vietnamese name, Phuk. Not to be pronounced as "Fuck" but "Fook." Those silly Asians!

Until I no longer see multiple Starbucks' right across the street from each other will I know a recession is truly here.

Trying2BMe said...

Yep, the flatlining of Starbucks is definitely an indicator that this great country of ours is going into the financial crapper. Time to step into the cheap corner convenience store and grab that .99 three-hour old cup of joe and call it a good morning!

ZenDenizen said...

I still don't think Starbucks tastes good.

Memphis Steve said...

I was trying to comment here when I accidently hit something, God only knows what, and I lost everything and gained a floating menu to nowhere as a bonus.

My dad grew up with a girl named Rape. The Rapes had lived in his small town for years with no one thinking a thing about it. But then the girl decided the name was unacceptable and insisted everyone pronounce it "rah-pay", much like Bucket should be "bouquet" according to a certain British TV character. After that, it was hell.

The economy is, indeed, scaring the bejebus out of me. Why is it that everything goes up so slowly, but down like a rock over a cliff? By the time you realize your stuff is falling, it's already hit the ground.

MsPuddin said...

aha! see why I get my coffee at 7-eleven?

tornwordo said...

It's like that show from England with Mrs. Bucket. She corrects everyone, "It's bookay darling, it's French."

Also, I always seem to hit shift or control plus some incorrect key when I'm try to be clever and use shortcuts. I learned the hard way how to delete what I'm working on.

Uncle Keith said...

Like the people with the last name Colon, who want it pronounced cologne. If Collin Powell's name is pronounced colon, then so is your name, which is actually spelled colon.

Enemy of the Republic said...

I don't blame George Bush--I blame the REpublicans for the recession. And I don't buy those overpriced coffee concocations--I hate Starbucks more than George--at least he is my president, whether I voted for him or not, but I don't know what significance Starbucks has, even as a title. I don't like Bush, but I respect (maybe I am naive) the office of the presidency.

LBB--none of the Republicans are happy about John McCain (who I actually like). So why don't you run?

Lyvvie said...

My Dad had a doctor named Dr. Lipschitz and he pronounced it LipShits.

Jeannie said...

I know of a lot of Kochs but around here it's always pronounced Cooks.
There's a dentist down the road whose name is pronounced Dr. Smiley (but spelled Smaily)

I've always hated Starbucks coffee. And it's all way too expensive but at least they pay their staff.

Ginormous Boobs said...

One of my good friends is named Nick Nipple. He accepts it and doesn't try to fancy it up.
And really, it's the sweetest name on the planet.

I am dying to introduce him to my other buddy, Nick Hyman.

random moments said...

Thankfully I've never known someone with a vulgar last name. I'm pretty sure I would bust into giggles like a 5th grader.

I freak a little when my computer sounds like its about to take off. That grinding noise getting faster and faster. Like fingernails on a chalkboard.

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

I think I must be the only person on the planet (other than some unknown tribes in the Amazon rain forest) that has NEVER had a Starbucks coffee. I am SO lame.

The Troll said...

Your micro technique to predict the macro economy sounds sound. I'll be waiting for them to declare it "the worst economy since the great depression" if we do get a whopping 2 quarters of negative growth.

Happy Secretariat Day!

Franki said...

My last name is Bonesmuggler but I swear it's pronounced Tom Cruise.

Felix for Zosia said...

Hi,
Sorry to bring this up (totally unrelated to your post), but there is a blogger who has been plagiarising other people's posts, and unfortunately yours (on Thanksgiving) is one of them. I discovered this after reading: http://brainyjane22.wordpress.com
so maybe you all want to plan a group uprising or something...

Dave Morris said...

I had about 3 different comments and all of them were taken by the time I got here.

I had a classmate in high school named Lucinda Button. I never even THOUGHT about "loosen the button" until my 20th reunion...

Also had a classmate named Cara Faquiere. Fuck-air. And that's exactly how she pronounced it. Huge ballz.

Tookie Tail said...

Stacy...I've never had a Starbucks coffee either. But there's no place out here near me. You'd swear I live in the sticks. :hehe: Love the post LBB! I would have to laugh in their faces too with an obnoxious name!

bitchtasm said...

That keyboard thing - I've done worse.

I spilt bourbon on it once. Sooo not a smart move! It was a literal disaster and the uni assignment I was writing was completely fucked!

snowelf said...

Ut oh...

I have an SUV and I love Macs.
And don't you have a Mac, LBB--are you telling me Mac's have those weirdo keyboard mishaps too?!

But I hate Starbucks, SO I'm immune! No recession for me!! ;)

--snow

Tanya Kristine said...

well, well, well...L.B.B. there's a voice from my past...still funny as ever i see.

ChickenStrip said...

Hahaha.

I knew someone whose last name was Buttram. And he pronounced it the way that it looks.

actonbell said...

I like the Starbucks Indicator--makes a hell of a lot more sense to me than most things. And I had a clarinet teacher named Mr. Butts. Poor guy.

Ashley said...

HAHA...you always seem to make me laugh.

When I was in high school there was a teacher there Mr. Fuchs and I will never forget we were at a sports awards night and the athletic director, who knew my mom, got up and introduced him as Mr. Fucks...after it was all over my mom went over to give him trouble and he denied it. Give me a break mister, you said Mr. Fucks, who cares. It was funny, laugh!

Ari said...

I hope your SMI is wrong, but I suspect your SMI is right.

Miss Cellania said...

You need to go read up on the Name of the Year tournament going on now. They always have names that make you laugh your ass off!

http://nameoftheyear.blogspot.com/

Michelle Ann said...

As for the economy and a possible recession...it took me 30 minutes to find a parking place at the mall. I thought consumer confidence was sharing a lack of confidence with moi.

Palm Springs Savant said...

love the last name thang...I know someone with the last name of Kunt which, of course I just love. He pronounces it "Kooont" which is crazy to me.

Nice job with the economic prediction...I'll have to see what my psychic betta fish Dr Wang sees...

Dan O. said...

LBB, you've been ComPosted by Dan O.

Cynic with Flair said...

As a person whose pre-married name initials were B.O., I thought this was hilarious. I suffered just because of initials, and I can't imagine if my last name was Butts (I knew a few of those). I have a friend who legally changed his last name because its European pronunciation was "Bitch" (Bietzsche). I applaud him!

BTW, not all Bush despisers tote Starbucks cups. I prefer alcohol myself.