4/09/2008

CAT-astrophic immigration solutions

Are you tired of our immigration problem? Angry at your politicians, their political dodges and wishy washy half-solutions? Fret no longer. With great excitement I relay to you a solution to America's immigration problem. I'm also mailing an executive summary to my congressmen so he can write it into law. I invite you to contact your representatives, too, with a copy of this surefire policy, below. The more politicians on-board with this idea, the quicker it'll get done.


So what's my big idea? Two words: Mountain lions.


Inspiration stuck me a while ago when I stepped into my backyard to pull weeds. A couple steps out the door, I spotted motion in my periphery. I turned and looked and discerned a figure. Terror struck. My heart thumped. My limbs trembled with a fresh shot of adrenaline. The sight of the creature in my yard rendered me apoplectic. There it was: Amy Winehouse after an all-night desert keg party, looking for a place to crash. I kid, I kid. It was actually a mountain lion! I'm not kidding. In my yard was a freaking mountain lion, a champion killer, a hunting cat.


You don't know terror until you've stared into the eyes of a mountain lion, or some other kind of lion, without a cage or an inch of Plexiglas between you and the beast. This wasn't on television, or some caged beast you can mock while you're drunk at the zoo. I was face to face with a killer cat. Petrified, I couldn't muster a twitch. I was immobilized with fright. I was only a few feet from the safety of my back door, but it may as well have been a light-year. Had the mountain lion had designs on me, I'd be in ribbons. As it was, the cat took only a passing interest in me as he trotted along the perimeter of my yard and then cleared my 6-foot fence with a casual leap. Ferocity meets grace – with a dose of mercy thrown in for my sake.


Once I composed myself I reflected on the experience. That cat had a dramatic effect on me. And as I often do, I got to thinking. Before long, my mind settled on America's immigration problem. I'm a problem-solver by nature, so it didn't take me long to put the two together, like when the one guy accidentally dipped his chocolate in the other guy's peanut butter. The result – Reece's Peanut Butter Cups. That was it! Let's have mountain lions patrol and enforce our borders. They love the desert. They instill fear in man. They have a knack for hunting and killing. They can cover large areas with their keen senses, speed, stealth and cunning. They'll work for next to nothing. They don't need benefits or a retirement package. And you can't accuse of mountain lion of being racist, a rouge, abusive or corrupt, even if they're working for George Bush.


All we need to do, then, is teach these highly trainable cats to patrol the US border and terrorize the riffraff fixing to cross from the south. Should an illegal alien get too close, that's when Simba pounces. How do we train them to attack? Simple. Every time the mountain lion bites a Mexican, he gets a steak. Every time he bites a white fella, we squirt him with a water bottle. Roger, dodger.


This is more practical and less absurd than it sounds. How hard can it be to train a mountain lion? I saw Siegfried and Roy train a tiger to ride a unicycle. That stunt couldn't be further than what nature had in mind for a four-legged, 700-pound predator. But the tiger delivered. Don't be a Doubting Thomas and remind me that that same tiger later attacked and nearly killed Siegfried. I'm aware of that. But the mountain lions won't be biting into sexually ambiguous circus performers. They're biting illegal aliens. Much different. Plus, they're not working in the chaos of a circus. The mountain lion must do only what comes naturally: patrol, stalk, chase, savage the downtrodden would-be immigrant, then eat a steak.


Environmentalists will eat this idea up (much like the mountain lions will eat up the slower-moving illegals...rimshot!) Environmentalists love it when we solve our problems by using nature. Natural foods, natural medicine, natural energy sources, natural boobs -- they can't get enough of the romantic notion of Nature alleviating our ills. Well, what can be more natural than mountain lions patrolling their territory? Plus, it's a built-in conservation effort for the mountain lions. We're tossing them steaks and foreigners; might as well scratch them off the endangered species list right now. It's a win/win.


Here's another bonus. By installing video cameras at 10-mile intervals along the border, Immigration can sell footage to the Discovery Channel. They'll make a fortune! That means less of the federal pie going to border patrol agencies. People love watching hunting cats tear the crap out of animals who can't run as fast. Let the advertisement revenues flow!


I can already hear protests from the humanitarian crowd: “LBB, are you suggesting we sic savage beasts on people trying to escape abject poverty and strive for a better life?”


Pipe down, hippie. Of course I'm not. I just want to seal the border. And this brings me to the genius of using mountain lions. You see, mountain lions are the runts of the hunting cat world. They're not so tough. The vast majority of mountain lion attacks are non-fatal. They're not human killers so much as human deterrents. I know this from firsthand observation. I frequent an Irish-themed bar whose patronage, naturally, is mostly drunken Irish guys with shaved heads, goatees and shamrock tattoos. These guys fear nothing and fight anything. Things get pretty rowdy at the bar after a few rounds. Often quarrels are settled with wagers of physical prowess. Not so often, yet once in a while, the wager involves strolling into the desert covered in steak sauce and fighting whatever wild animal the poor bastard lures. If you're lucky, fortune will bring you a pack of coyotes, which the more intimidating guys can unnerve by kicking sand in their faces. Other times, a herd of javelinas will try their luck. The secret there is to identify the pack leader and punch him in the ribs. Once he goes down, morale plummets and the herd retreats into the desert. But sometimes a mountain lion shows up looking for an easy meal. Well, the jokes on you, mountain lion. The Irish hoodlum has been sucking back whiskey most of the night. And sure enough, Liam or Sean or Tyrone -- or whoever accepted the wager this evening -- makes quick work of the wild animal. The two fuse into a whirlwind of scratches, bites and Irish uppercuts. From the dust cloud ejects one disheartened mountain lion. Off you go, little fella. Better tell all your lion buddies the next time one of you feels frisky, stalk the gay bar on 9th Street. Easy pickin's. Anyway, the point is, mountain lions aren't deadly – just wicked scary.


Once my plan squeaks through Congress and becomes law, you'll have me to thank for our impregnable borders and clean living. Also, the mountain lions will owe me a thanks, too. But I won't hold my breath. Mountain lions are ungrateful bastards.

114 comments:

Cynic with Flair said...

You had me at "Pipe down, hippie." So I guess I shouldn't say anything, except - genius! Why dole out money and health insurance to Coast Guard and Border Patrol who spend their time on the government clock watching porn on their iPods?

Another gut-bustingly hilarious post!

jillie said...

Don't even get me going on the immigration crap!!! As for the mountain lions? They'll be out on a rampage to kill the lions to save the free loaders. Go figure.

NWJR said...

You're either insane or brilliant. I don't know which.

Enemy of the Republic said...

Your description is apt--those mountain lions are ungrateful bastards. But so are most felines. I won't get on my immigration kick; I know you live West so you may see it from a different perspective--but as always, I am amazed at how you can turn anything into a rib cracking laugh fest. Will you please start writing for TV?

Wonderful World of Weiners said...

Popped over to "meet" the person with a blog with such a unique name.

Will be back later when I have more time to read!!

Hallie :)

Beth from the Funny Farm said...

Your hilariously crazy. :-D

Also, your bad for spilling your Diet Coke all over that poor lady earlier this month... Diet Pepsi lovers aren't nearly as clutzy.
;-)

Franki said...

When you say, "Once I composed myself, I reflected on the experience," did you mean, "Once I changed my underwear, in which I had shat"?

Cuz that's what I woulda meant.

travelling, but not in love said...

OK. I'm scared.

Can you guarantee that the mountain lions won't put on a uniform and then just kick back and chat to their friends while eating donuts and looking the other way?

christopherc said...

I like the idea overall. Maybe we can package that up with my dingy-gene law. I've always said stupid people have a genetic marker, if we can find that marker and test at birth we could sterilize anyone carrying the dingy gene and rid humanity of stupid people within 3 generations!

I've not had any lawmakers take up the cause yet though.

-C

ChickenStrip said...

I'm w/Enemy. You're too hilarious!

Susan as herself said...

Hehehe. Having seen a couple mountain lions growing up (always at a safe distance, thank goodness) I do think this has a chance of working.

There is a hard-core high-security prison in Dannemora, NY, and the prisoners are shipped in from all over the US---escape attempts are nil because they are all afraid of snakes and bears and mountain lions!!!

tornwordo said...

I can't rightly determine how far your tongue is in your cheek. What immigration problem? People who fester about that are stewing in fear and anger, not a pretty place. I know , I've got lots of family members who fester about it. I always tease and say, "I think we're all missing the boat, we've got all the money, let's open the borders and go down with our money and snatch up all those hot money making resorts down there. I mean, the Mexicans do all the shit work up here, and they'll do it down there too. We'll just buy up all the land. Think about it. We could easily take Mexico." Then nobody knows what to say to me.

Beth from the Funny Farm said...

I just told a bunch of barrel racers about your blog. Gawd only knows where this will go! **laughing**

Anonymous said...

OMG- Dying here! Thanks to Beth! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sassy Blondie said...

Close call, LBB! But hey, if no one will go for mountain lions patrolling the borders, then how about pollsters? I mean, those people are so annoying and take up so much time, they could keep 'em all busy until we got the border patrol engaged in the situation....

Becky said...

So help me, you get smarter with each day that passes. You deserve a nobel peace prize!

Flea said...

Hilarious! Yes, mountain lions ARE ungrateful. And when you find a fabric printed in mountain lions, please let me know?

Thanks for popping by my blog! Fred and Bessie send their regards. :)

Jeannie said...

But what if the immigrants have guns or bows and arrows or something?

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Those squirting water bottles ALWAYS work.

Thanks for the laugh today, LBB. I needed it. :)

Oh great One said...

There is an idea that hasn't been explored before!

Ginormous Boobs said...

Wow, I can't wait for you to take on traffic in Los Angeles for me!

Jack K. said...

Another possible solution to the illegal immigration problem from Mexico.

Summer said...

On the serious side, do you have kids or pets that play outside? What if the mountain lion returns? I'm glad the only wildlife I have to worry about in my backyard are deer using my garden as their salad bar.

snowelf said...

Great. Now I want a mountain lion....


--snow

Mona said...

Yea, you stupid environmentalists you...what makes you think that LBB is against humanitarian issues & letting on mountain lions on you.

Read this carefully & read this the other way round from the other side of the border!

This post is not for ye O white men! It is FOR the Mexicans.

Big Butt I see you offering GAME to them to make a fortune...

Good

They need to sell some straw stuffed mountain lion heads to alleviate poverty in their region & not cross any borders...

CarmenSinCity said...

I love it - I think it's a great idea!!!!!!

Mr Pineapples said...

What on earth are you going on about? Immigration? In America?

Mr P thought that America - was made up entirely of immigrants....didnt we send all of criminals over to you a few centuries ago?

Or was that Australia?

Come on - open your arms and ask for more.

C said...

I think Michael Vick beat you to the punch. He was training dogs to keep white people off his property but it did not work out. You'll have to find a way to keep illegal weapons off of illegal immigrants too so they can't defend themselves against your white people friends.

Ari said...

Oh. My. Lord. You are living in the American Outback, my friend.

Hammer said...

I took a trip down there last year and the local folks said the canyons were crawling with cougars.

Problem is they only go after livestock. You are right, we could teach them to associate illegals with food. I wonder if PETA will approve ;)

katie said...

i gotta say, i do like the way your mind works, LBB.

oh, and btw, i am sending you my Sausage dog. you love him way more than i ever could. he's all yours. he barks like a mo'fo' though. just warnin' ya. :)

Michelle Ann said...

This could work. Being Hispanic myself, I know that we are not fond of cats in general. I think many ill tempered cats can be found on the Vegas strip.

Loving Annie said...

Didn't I already mention that I loved your idea for border patrol ? Finally a cost effective solution - I'm voting for you for President :)

You and Jesse Ventura oughta be running mates, seriously. I loved the way that man shot straight from the hip for those first 2 years in office.

Steph said...

To be honest I think that Amy Winehouse might just be a tad more frightening although I imagine that mere skin-to-skin contact with her might result in a fatal OD so yeah... advantage: mountain lions.

Oh, and you've been tagged with a the only meme you'll ever want to do on the internet. OK, I want you to do it because I'm a linke whore like that.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

we could also use mountain lions to help the hobo population. wouldnt be so keen on sleeping outside if some mountain lion was gnawing on their faces...

Mrs. Who said...

Genius. Pure genius.

The Kept Woman said...

Oh LBB, but that's "cruel and unusual"...but ever so clever.

ZenDenizen said...

It's actually a sound plan. Illegal's illegal, no matter why you do it... My parents filled out all kinds of bogus paperwork and waited years to get here the right way, why should someone else be allowed to jump the fence and be forgiven?

OldHorsetailSnake said...

What do you mean "squeaks through"? Why would any member of Congress want to vote any way but "Yes"?

Now, all you gotta do is get their attention. You may need a couple of mountain lions for that.

Bella said...

This was hialriously brilliant LBB. My environmental ass loved it.

=) Bella

Mona said...

How are you doing BB ?

bitchtasm said...

I.Am.So.Jealous!

You got to see such a stunning animal up close. Free and in the wild.

*Jealous*

Dan O. said...

I'm all for your idea.

I just have to let you know that I read "Once I composed myself ..." as "Once I changed my shorts and got cleaned up..."

Midas said...

I like the Mountain Lion idea...I think it's more humane than anthrax dust along the border.

I don't know about you, but I can't step 5 paces without having to speak Spanish. I think we should start learning to speak Spanish so we can tell the border swimming people not to cross the border in their language.

Mona said...

hey! are you campaigning for the election or something? Or is it that you are still speechless with awe at the tiger intrusion in your life?

Shake that ass tootsie!

Jahooni said...

Are you alive?

Beth from the Funny Farm said...

Okay... I'm missing your posts. I hope all is well with you.

Violet said...

Best line of the whole post: "Every time the mountain lion bites a Mexican, he gets a steak. Every time he bites a white fella, we squirt him with a water bottle."

Who knew that you were so in tune with the inner workings of the animal mind?

By the way - you haven't posted since before Dave and I had the baby!!! What gives? (Okay, I have no room to talk, but I'll give you crap about it anyway!)

Muzik said...

I hike about 3 times a week and I see mountain lion tracks all the time. Luckily I've never actually seen a mountain lion while I was on the trail alone. Regardless, I carry a gun.

Loving Annie said...

Okay it's been 3 weeks already - where are you and are you okay ?

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Pssst.....where'd you go??? I need me some LBB, dammit....I'm having a VERY rough Wednesday already and it's only seven in the morning.

*sigh*

Superstar said...

I think it's brilliant!
Can I get one that is trained for my patio?
perhaps we chould use them like the police uses K-9 teams..

Mona said...

methinks the lion eated him?

Anonymous said...

Never worried about the health of a blogger before. LBB, we need you!

NWJR said...

No shit, LBB, you're ahead of your time. Again.

http://tinyurl.com/4cqqv5

Anonymous said...

LBB, you've been holding it down for a long long time, my man. Glad to see you're as funny as ever.

Your ol' pal,
8o8

Preposterous Ponderings said...

I'd like to see mountain lions let loose at one of these presidential campaigns.I am so sick of seeing them!

Help!

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

I think the whole "mountain lion" thing came around and bit you in the ass, didn't it?

You're reccoperating as I type this, with your stitched ass high in a sling somewhere in some hospital WITHOUT internet connection, right? Right???

Hello? Hello???

Ari said...

Aww, was hopin for my long-awaited LBB fix (I've been too long in the meatspace myself)... hope you're well and postin' soon!

r. said...

I've got a better idea - let's use Mountain Lions to deliver Welfare Checks... sitting in your free ass house, eating your free ass food, for an average of 8 generations, while you use your welfare money to buy cigarettes and crack deserves a visit from MR. ML... if you live, you may have your check, if not - oh well... more money for schools!

random moments said...

Psst! Hey, have you been kidnapped? Hope you're okay and just having a large brain fart. Missing ya over here....

Blogget Jones said...

Oh my gosh.... "Pipe down, hippie." Gotta love that!

Thanks!
:o) BJ

MsPuddin said...

I really hope you re not dead. bcuz you re smart and funnny and and and wtf???

Mona said...

Lagtaa hai sach much mar gayaa! ya phir mun vrat dhaaran kiye hue hai!
Jaan boojh kar moonh band kar ke baithaa hai saalaa!

Mona said...

hey Big Butt! What is happening here! I know you are there! Come out of your hiding at once!!!

If you don't move sooner, your butt will get bigger Understand?

Now be a good boy & shake that ass tootsie!

Amandarama said...

A mountain lion killed my dad, you know.

Krissyface said...

Do you really think that mountain lions can remain uncorrupt if they start working for the Bush administration? Be reasonable, now.

Bridget Jones said...

whew, glad you survived. There would have been unappetizing piles of something behind me if I'd been there!!

Beth from the Funny Farm said...

Are you okay? Would you please email me just to let me know?

Thinking of you.

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Damn! I wanted to be the 69th comment!

Just where in the hell ARE you anyways???

Bella said...

I'm with the Peanut Queen...

Where are you???

When you decide to blog again, I have a NEW blog

ciaobella1968.blogspot.com

Mona said...

Arey I know... big butt wants to make a centenary in his comment box

Mona said...

well big butt, the sun is shinning pretty fiercely in India & we are on the verge of melting our asses...

Mona said...

hey! I have an Idea! why don't you come here & melt away some of that...

Mona said...

Chilled drinks are doing us no good & the atmosphere is pretty heated up with the tribal men seeking reservations for job as a quota in government offices

Mona said...

My son passed his exams with flying colors, & I had a mild heart attack but am on the road to recovery now

Mona said...

Damn! I am so stressed out thinking where my son will land up ( in which college)! BB please pray that my son gets into a college of his choice

Mona said...

that is if you pray at all...

Mona said...

Otherwise you can always make a wish.. it just might come true

Mona said...

& I have been chasing peacocks in the fields.. didn't see any tigers though

Mona said...

These days we are having some seasonal fruits like melon dew , watermelons , litchis & mangoes in our region

Mona said...

we get about seventy different variety of mangoes in India But I like the Chausa & the Dusshri variety the best. Mango icecream is one of the best icecreams!

Mona said...

Today I had some mango shake for breakfast. Also an omelette with toast and margarine and some pineapple jam & tea!

Mona said...

Last evening I has some American sweet corn with a dash of lime & salt & pepper & also a chicken sizzler with mushroom & onion sauce & tobasco sauce & french fries & boiled vegetables that included broccoli, fresh beans & carrots.

Mona said...

I also ate some of my leftover chocolate cake from the previous day , which was my wedding anniversary, in the middle of the night

Mona said...

My cook is such a gossip, she is beginning to stink. I guess I need to replace her

Mona said...

actually I feel like feeding her to a tiger!

Mona said...

now look who is gossiping!!!!

Mona said...

well...

Mona said...

by the way, which number have I reached???

Mona said...

Just wondering...

Mona said...

it is nearing lunch time in our region now & I can smell the fresh aroma of basmati rice, some lentils, & a mixed vegetable curry of potatoes, tomatoes & green bell pepper

Mona said...

Sometimes I like my food spicy too :)

Mona said...

In summers we mostly have lassi for lunch which is a cool churned up yogurt drink , spiced with dry mint leaves, roasted cumin powder, both black & white salt...

Mona said...

& I am still on tons of medicines.. I hope I get well sooner than later

Mona said...

or there will be no later...

Mona said...

but then they say that there is never any later. Later is an illusion. The only real thing is now!

Mona said...

& now seems okay to me anyway... I guess lie will always be sweet sour

Mona said...

although I enjoy the sour too... I just love my tamarind toffees, although they sometime might give me a sore throat!

Mona said...

Chalo, I will go now... I am nearing the fag end & I guess that I must give others a chance too..

Mona said...

It is not good to be selfish, & I want to remain good

Mona said...

cya big butt

Mona said...

it was nice talking to you & you are such a good listener!!!

Mona said...

well mannered I must say... You never interrupt a conversation in between

Mona said...

Pat pat ( on your back)

Mona said...

And a (((HUG))) too

Mona said...

you deserve one!

Mona said...

good boy!

Weary Hag said...

So this is it? You're done?

I would have figured you for a fourth and fifth book before escaping.

Just goes to show ... can't trust the figurings of a weary one.

Mona said...

Kahaan mar gayaa saalaa!!!

mr_g said...

Sounds more effective then my idea of training herds of Cavalier King Charles Spaniels to do the same. After rethinking, mountain lions might give that extra "umph".

Violet said...

so, just an fyi - you gotta check out bdd's blog to see how cute little sparky is!

does mona have a bit too much time on her hands???

Ari said...

Miss ya!

Damsel Underdressed said...

Jesus, Bug! What happened to you? I really hope that you are okay. If it isn't too much trouble, could you send me an email and let me know?