6/11/2008

Call of Duty

Greetings, dear readers. It's been too long since we last read each other. I'm delighted to be back. Where have I been? I've been balls-deep in Call of Duty 4 – a modern warfare video game. I bought a PS3 back in April and I've been mastering COD4 ever since. Discovering more effective ways to blast holes in the enemy's torso has consumed all my free time. I'm a soldier now. I've been ridding the world of hostile terrorist sects so that you people can continue living your cushy lifestyles free from foreign threats. The least you could have done was send me a thank you on Veterans Day! Jeez. You're welcome for your freedom.


COD4 gamers have many things to consider: which gun to carry, what perks to select (more grenades, or faster running, for example) whether to charge the enemy or dig in and wait, camp on a rooftop or capture a battle flag, take aim or bust a hip shot. Where should I deliver the air strike? Where should I plant the explosives? Why is a 37 year-old man playing video games 5 hours per day? As you can imagine, COD4 is a science and an art. Strategy aside, one must develop cat-like reflexes and master the gunfight. COD4 battles are settled in milliseconds. Often the one who pulls the trigger first is the one who stays alive. In any case, you can't panic. Stray bullets don't get the job done.


I've paid my COD4 dues. I'm pretty good with an M60 and I'm downright deadly with an MP5 submachine gun. Give me my MP5 in Chinatown and I'll kill more men than Genghis Khan and the hantavirus combined. Yoh foochun cookie read, “You git shot in ass by LBB.” Tap, tap. You're dead, bitch. The point is, now that I'm a soldier and a highly trained killing machine, I can reallocate some time to blogging.


To kick things off, and to stay with the COD4 theme, let's shoot off some bullets:


  • I saw a bumper sticker that read, “Be an organ donor.” Lady, they way you're driving, I might get the chance to donate my organs very soon – you know, once you run me off the road! Here's an idea. How about I donate half of my brain to you so you can learn to fucking drive?

  • Senator Obama keeps talking about “change.” How appropriate. Change is the only thing we'll have left after he takes all the dollars out of our wallets.

  • I saw Sex and the City on opening night with three lovely ladies, including my wife. Later, at dinner, one of the ladies I was with complained that her husband looked at too much Internet pornography. I took this opportunity to remind her that an hour ago she was ogling Dante's schlong on the silver screen. She did everything but give it a standing ovation. Women and their double standards!

  • I use the automatic car wash. At 4 dollars, it's a great deal. Anyway, I saw a “help wanted” sign and had to wonder why. The car wash is automatic. The way I see it, they need three guys. The first guy takes your money. The second guy points at you and guides you into the automatic track thing. The third guy works the mop and pre-washes your bumper and windshield (what a thorough worker he is, by the way. Regular James Brown.) Hey buddy, you missed some fly shit. Anyway, I finally start the automatic car wash cycle. This is a great time to take a little nap. When I wake up, there are three guys signaling me to pull into a little detailing area. I'm thinking, my car's already clean. Get the fuck out of my way. I'm leaving. But they persist. So I park. A couple of them rub towels on my car. Gee, thank goodness you guys were here, otherwise I'd have to hope the wind dried those 4 drops of water. Anyway, now the car wash hoodlums want a tip. So I reached underneath my seat, pulled out a bottle of motor oil and handed it to the one kid and said, “Here, go give this to the robot who did all the fucking work.”

  • FM radio has gotten so bad that I was considering just listening to my tires roll across the asphalt. I scanned the stations. Bad, bad, worse. I finally found a song with a decent beat – until I realized it wasn't a song at all. I was plowing through a Mexican fruit stand at 65 mph. Perdon, Alejandro.

  • I wonder if after MacGyver was canceled, he opened his own handyman business.

29 comments:

Lyvvie said...

Always happens! You report a person missing to the FBI and they fucking pop back in "I'm here!" and where were they all that time I was worried? Playing games on the console. You're such a bloke. Have you made your wife a console widow? your kids console orphans?

Glad you're back...you are back, right?

Loving Annie said...

So THAT is what had happenned to you, LLB !

Now I'm going to have to go watch 'Sex and The City' - before this I thought it was g-rated :)

NWJR said...

Apparently you got rid of your satellite radio, eh?

Great Obama quote. You're going to have at least four years of great material. I can't wait.

katie said...

well welcome back to blogging, LBB!!

And I must say I also gave Dante's donger a round of applause! In fact I gave his whole body a standing ovation!! :)

You have a great day! and the wiener is yours for your low price of 100,000. i take cash or check. :)

Bella said...

Ah, LBB is back. Yes!

THANK YOU, THANK YOU!

I think my kids mastered COD4 a while back.

=) Bella

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

I have NO idea if I'm first 'cause of that moderation thingie but what the hell, I'll give it a try...

FIRST!

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Okay, now...WELCOME BACK. Holy crap, it seems like FOREVER since you posted.

And next time I drop acid or eat the wrong 'shrooms and get transported into COD4 type world (ala Tron, I will most certainly give you a call. ;)

Missed you...and am VERY glad you're back! ;)

The Doggy Did It said...

You saw Sex and the City??


What kind of super powers does your wife have? I don't really care to see the movie, but if I did, there is NO chance that I could get my husband to go with me.

Well, without having to do things that I reserve for very special occasions...like when I want a new car...or when I need the house painted.

Mo said...

Good to have you back, dude.

Roxanne said...

You've been gone since APRIL for an effing GAME?!?!?!

Okay, that being said, WELCOME BACK!

Get yourself a Sirius or an XM radio. You'll never go back.

Oh, and I moved.
-Rox

Karen said...

Seriously, though. You had surgery didn't you? A little brow lift, perhaps?

Either way, glad to have you back.

The Sports Mama said...

My husband is the same way with those games. He and the teenager try to one-up each other, seeing who can get farther in one sitting.

Nice to see you back. I was beginning to wonder. :)

Oh great One said...

Welcome back! I've missed you. Not only am I a video game widow at home but now you're doing it too! *sigh*

Shoshana said...

I saw Sex and the City last weekend. It was fun....if you saw Forgetting Sarah Marshall, lots of dick shot there too. I wonder if that's the new trend for movies.

Shoshana

Loving Annie said...

LLB,
Now you KNOW I'm going to ask you who Dante is !!!
Send him my way. Better yet, does he live close to me ? Is he single and within 10 years of my age in either direction ? :)

*~*Cece*~* said...

Welcome back! I've got to agree w/you on the radio business. I usually enjoy almost everything the stations play that I've got tunned in on my radio but lately EVERYTHING sounds the same! Ugh.

Miss Sassy said...

Video games.
The other way to get Secretary Spread.

Good for your blogroll though - while you were away I met some previously undiscovered but now totally addictive new reads.

Thanks for the belly laugh bulletins, MUAH!

Violet said...

wow... satc on opening night??? how'd you get suckered into that one?

Ari said...

Thanks for defending our freedom, LBB. I, too have been sucked into gaming lately. It's a deep vortex of addiction that's only gettin' deeper and all I can do is grab a virtual boogie board and catch the next wave down to the pit...

Have fun shootin!

Fantastagirl said...

Get sirius or XM - I love it - you will too!

Wondered where you went - welcome back!

Greg said...

Lost in a game since April...I love that!! I do that...in winter, though!!

And please, it's a Happy Memorial Day we didn't wish you. Veteran's Day is November. But thanks just the same, for protecting our virtual streets...

And how brave to attend SITC with all those rampaging, cosmo-fueled wimmen! Welcome back...

Susan as herself said...

I would certainly buys tools from MacGuyver if he opened his own hardware store.

The Kept Woman said...

Damn! It's about time you're back!!! My husband also had a similar problem with Halo 2 came out years ago, that shit is addicting apparently.

Agreed on the FM radio thing...seriously, who makes up the playlists? One good song to five crappy-ass songs seems to be the regulation ratio.

William said...

"Senator Obama keeps talking about 'change.' How appropriate. Change is the only thing we'll have left after he takes all the dollars out of our wallets."

Heh.

Enemy of the Republic said...

I've been AWOL myself, but I am slowly returning and I am happy to see you blogging as your blog kicks a&$! I just bought a Tony Montana dollar in the box--never been opened! He has his M-60 grenade launcher and talks. So now my office mates get to say hello to Tony's little friend everytime they piss me off.

Never much for gaming--but my son and husband would probably get what you are talking about.

Good to see you.

Weary Hag said...

Good to see you're back in the saddle again. And oh my! You rode your l'il wooden horsey right on over to the Outpost too!? I'm really honored, my old if-hag-can-take-time-off-so-can-I friend.

Hey, you thought I was weary before? You oughta see me now that I fell off that frigging list of yours. Christ.

Beth from the Funny Farm said...

So glad you are back!

CP said...

I refuse to believe that you do not have XM radio in your car. No. No. I just won't believe it.

What the fuck is FM anyway??? Does anyone really USE that anymore?

CP

Sudiegirl said...

CP:

I use my cd player more than anything.

LBB:

Welcome back!