7/17/2008

Bullets

  • I wonder how spiders don't get stuck to their own webs. The webs must have the same ingredient as Super Glue or Magic Shell – they don't harden until they sit in the air for a spell. Incidentally, a warning about Magic Shell: it retains its “magic” through the alimentary canal, so prepare yourself for some shrapnel on the back end.
  • I can't enjoy myself at company picnics. It's not that I don't like the people, barbecue or softball. I just can't help thinking, I usually get paid to hang out with you people, but now I'm doing it for free. Also, I don't like seeing my coworkers' family members. They're delightful. But seeing them humanizes my colleagues, and I'm usually plotting their termination. It vexes me.
  • What Einstein did for physics, Mexicans did for food.
  • Why does gum stick to the sole of your shoe more than the sidewalk? This is the kind of thing that makes me a pessimist.
  • This would be a cute name for a dog groomer shop: Canine Casanova.
  • Even if you women do break through the glass ceiling, you'll still have perverts looking through it and up your dress.
  • A recent trend in labor law is to fine employers who hire illegal aliens. Why don't we fine the Border Patrol instead? Better yet, let's fine the alien's home country. That'll teach the country to keep those little vatos where they belong! Hell, we could probably get a year's worth of free oil from Arabia just by raiding all our 7-Elevens.
  • Imagine a homosexual married couple. They're out and about, and an attractive member of the same sex passes by. When this happens to hetero couples, one looks at the other and waits for him/her to foolishly steal a glance at the attractive passer-by. Then a fight ensues. But what do gays do? Do they look at each other and ask “Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Threesome! [high-five]”

56 comments:

Hammer said...

If I ever build a nightclub, I'll have a glass ceiling and the dance floor will be upstairs ;)

Bennet said...

Funny stuff

Is what Einstein did for physics, Mexicans did for food, is that a good thing?

The gay high-five might be more of a butt slap actually but I don't really know.

random moments said...

I usually throw a temper tantrum before a company anything because I don't get paid enough to work with these people, let alone hang with them off hours. *shudder*

High five on the Mexican food remark - I consider it one of the food groups.

NWJR said...

Spiders don't stick to their webs because all the sticky stuff is on the gum.

Or something.

Enemy of the Republic said...

From what I hear, heteros think the same, particularly if the marriage is an open relationship and one of the spouses see himself/herself as bisexual. Just sayin....

I am with you on company picnics or company get togethers of any sort. I do invite co-workers to my house, but since it's my house, I can refuse entrance to the undesirables--not that I would ever deny hospitality to my coworkers!

Good to see ya.

*~*Cece*~* said...

Ok the last bullet has me cracking up! Great way to kick off the weekend, thanks!

Memphis Steve said...

When I go to a company picnic I'm always checking to see if any of my coworkers have hotter wives than mine. If they're dorks, but they're wives are hot, I'm always thinking, "how did a total loser like you get a hottie like her?!" After that I'm mean to them from then on. I figure if they can land a hottie without any attractive qualities of their own then they probably get paid more than I do without having any job skills.

Jahooni said...

You are too funny! I always wondered the same thing about spiders. They amaze me. I've always wanted to see them mate, is that too wierd??

WendyB said...

My pants had a bad encounter with gum stuck under a table earlier this week.

troublebright said...

High fives or they would be going into the argument of..

'Oh my gawd...did you see his SHOES? They clash with those pants!'

'His pants? You where so not looking at his pants! You where looking at his ass!'

and so on and so forth.

Yo Momma said...

i'm with cece, that last one is hilarious and so true. maybe i need to butch it up a little and get me a femme girl...

Miss Cellania said...

That last bit? I've seen that happen.

Loving Annie said...

You'd enliven any company picnic I'd go to :)

And the hetero vs. gay comment - ah, LLB you never fail to crack me up ! (lol)

I agree with your border patrol idea....

snowelf said...

I'd dance at Hammer's night club.

hehehe

--snow

Midas said...

Yeah, they should find the homecountry of those aliens...but I don't think they'll pay.

Hey, what about they should send a bomb to the country who keeps letting their aliens cross the Rio Grand...that would be really neat.

c.watson said...

That will teach those high powered sluts to wear more covering underwear, or none. And you should never have to hang out with coworkers without pay or at least there should be free beer.

Mona said...

1. Maybe they DO get stuck. That is why they have six legs: two to get stuck, two to disentangle them and two to propel themselves

2. Company picnics? Sigh! what I wouldn't do for a company that throws picnics...
(TO MEMPHIS STEVE > THAT is why they get hot wives: Because they are dorks! The wives are hot because they are happy. Dorks usually have the propensity to keep their wives happy saying " whatever you wish dear". That is why they are dorks; or you can say, they are dorks so they are 'that is how', and that is why intelligent & hot women are attracted to dorks, because they know that in marrying them WHO will be in control!)
3. Mexican food is so much like Indian food!They must be related !
4. Perhaps because the Pull of the sole is more than the Pull that a sidewalk can ever exert. So no need to feel pessimistic about it. It is the plain science of Force!
5.yeah a fine name indeed!
6.Big Butt! What a coincidence!!! You mention 'breaking through a ceiling' at the time when My blog shows a similar scene. You & I must be on the same level of thinking at the moment! Universal Parallel :)
As for YOU GIRLS blah blah blah... We HAVE something to show, so we show...
7.You are thinking of raiding? Why you thief!!!( gritting teeth)
8. I am a hetro & I would think " I am hotter"! :D

tornwordo said...

Yeah, we walk down the street and elbow one another so that neither of us miss the hottie passing by. So much easier being a homo. You should try it ; )

Beth from the Funny Farm said...

Canine Casanova? That makes me think of a puppy mill.

Sassy Blondie said...

First, I'm completely jealous of the whole "company picnic" premise! All I get is a stupid dinner at some OTB with a smattering of the people I like LEAST showing up. And they piss and moan about getting a babysitter, and "You're so lucky you don't have to worry about those things!" Grrr Now a picnic, that sounds like the perfect venue for real, yet veiled, torture on those you really don't like.

Let's fine 'em all...or at least make them give us free gas cards.

I SO want to see the gay bitch slappin' over the straying eyes...

Damsel Underdressed said...

Spiders creep me out. I can't wait to have a boyfriend so I don't have to have spider killing duty anymore.

I missed your bullets. Glad you're back.

call of doody said...

Hey Mona- Indian food and Mexican food are alot alike, except Mexican food is great and Indian food sucks.

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

"What Einstein did for physics, Mexicans did for food."

Truer words have never been spoken. With my pension for chimichangas and tequila, I personally think I'm part vato myself.

Dave Morris said...

I put my grooming business in a building with windows overlooking a river or a strip club and call it Groom With a View.

Becky said...

I'm sure one of them is the girl and slaps the other one for even thinking it!

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Lesbianism is just one of those things that lucky people get. You just weren't lucky.

Weary Hag said...

I think the homosexual married couple just slaps the illegal alien dog groomer for having a stupid business name, then go get Mexican take-out to bring to the company picnic where they'll participate in a game of stick-the-spider-to-the-gum.

But then... that's just me.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

the gay couple thing isnt that complicated. like, i'm bi, and i actually get mad at my boyfriend if he doesnt point out a hot chick when he sees one. but then again, i'm a little different.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Bugs: If you are talking about my address for you on my blogroll, it is correct. I checked it just today.

Miss Sassy said...

too.
much.
fun.
can't.
stop.
laughing.

aahhh, the sinful delight of an LLB tummy cramp...

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Bugs -- the above message was meant for Tan Lucy Pez. Sorry.
Old Hoss

Evil Genius said...

Company picnics are the WORST! You have to make small talk. SMALL TALK! Good lord, don't we have to talk to them enough during every workday? And God forbid some company mucketymuck decides there should be GAMES, so that we all have to run around like idiots with eggs on spoons or throwing water balloons and such. I feel like a big enough dweeb all on my own, I don't need their help!

ARRRRGGGHHHHH!!!!

Mona said...

To Doody> I wonder WHICH Indian you're talking about...Anyway, its all a matter of Personal taste here. Like I hate Italian food, while most of the world seems to love it! For that matter I hate Pizzas too.

So if you don't like Indian food, Its your problem!

Flea's Thoughts said...

You crack me up!!! And as far as the glass ceiling at that point we won't care.....we won't be looking down :)

honkeie2 said...

My wife has a company xmass party every year and they go all out. Open bar, sushi bar, all you can eat everything! I drink until I cannt see and eat until I cannt stand. And the funny thing is they all love me and they always ask if I am going to the next one. But if my company had one I would avoid it like the plauge!

Oh great One said...

Love the company picnic bullet. It's so true!

katie said...

haha! oh LBB, that last bullet is a classic. i have often wondered the same thing about the gays....

you have a wondeful day!!!

NWJR said...

I'm asking my landlord to install a glass ceiling in my office. There's a whole buncha hotties that work upstairs.

Amandarama said...

Word on the company picnic thing. I just can't get down with socializing with coworkers afterhours. Hell, I generally don't even bother to eat lunch with them in the break room either.

Mona said...

LBB, I beseech you to come to my humble boarding and give a suggestion for the solution to a problem of dire essence!

ZenDenizen said...

Back to basics, love it!

Bella said...

I'm with you on the whole company picnic thing.

Co-workers are okay and all, but I don't like to mix my social life with work.

Unless I'm getting paid for it!

=) Bella

phishez_rule said...

Even if you women do break through the glass ceiling, you'll still have perverts looking through it and up your dress.

Yeah but they'll get glass shards in their eyes.

Happy thoughts!

Ari said...

I'm glad I'm not the only one plotting Demise in the Workplace (which sounds like the A&E Movie of the Week). Generally I get through company gatherings by focusing on the free food, however.

CP said...

“Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Threesome! [high-five]”



Yes, please.

Mona said...

Hibernating again?

MsPuddin said...

that's why im wearing pants to work and im crop dusting everyone.

Jaime said...

hahaha this is one of the most cleverly funny blogs i've seen! love the bullet points : )

Mona said...

Where are you Darling?

Preposterous Ponderings said...

Oh Lord!

These certainly are some thoughts to ponder.LOL

Cynic with Flair said...

You used the word "vex" - you own me now. Spot on observations, and I can't argue with any of them.

Spinning Girl said...

I just put glass ceilings throughout my house.

just a girl... said...

you are like an after dinner desert. You dont need anything after that. I can now go to sleep. You are the last blog I will read every night moving forward. Glad I came, hope it was as good for you.

NWJR said...

Every day you don't blog, God kills a puppy.

Do you really want that on your conscience?

Blogget Jones said...

Love the gum question! Good point....

;o) BJ

Steph said...

Oh I hope I'll still have perverts looking through the glass ceiling and up my skirt. It's my contingency plan that consists of distracting the men in the event that it turns out I don't have any real talent. My other contingency plan involves blow jobs.