7/11/2008

Failure to Coexist at WalMart

Coexist


I saw a bumper sticker with the motto “Coexist.” The letters doubled as symbols for the world's major religions. It's cute. But it's wrongheaded. One thing I know for sure is, only one religion can be correct. The rest, by necessity, are wrong. Religions dictate the absolute truths of the universe. Therefore, they can't all be equally right (my condolences to the PC crowd). Given that, I don't want us to “coexist.” Instead, I want everybody to duke it out -- fisticuffs. Bring on the rage. Let's go mono(theist)-a-mano in a religious steel cage match. I want to see who the winner is so that I know what to believe in. Then, I'll have a convenient Rulebook for Life, be it a Bible or a Qu'ran a Tora, and I can consult it with all my ethical quandaries -- instead of Dr. Phil paperbacks.

Don't worry about the wrong team winning. Whoever fights for the one true religion will have Divine Intervention catapult him to victory. Just imagine the clash of the titans. The Christians have God. The Islams have Allah. The Jews have Jerry Seinfeld. The Hindus have that 8-armed fella, who I imagine would be a badass in a fight, what with half a dozen switchblades and a pair of nunchucks. Whatever you do, don't lay any money on the Taoists; they don't give a shit who wins. Personally, I'm rooting for whichever religion forgives gluttony, lust, intemperance and swearing.

Let the best religion win. Then we can all stop bickering, join the winners' religion and go back to falling short of its ideals.



On WalMart


Everybody's joked about the “chromosome-challenged” shoppers at WalMart. It's cliché. I always figured it was an exaggeration for comedic effect. But after shopping at WalMart last week, I discovered that it's not an exaggeration. It's an understatement! Were these people exposed to radiation or something? What a cesspool of human genetic cataclysm. Every other person stank of Marlboros. And I suspect WalMart applies a 10% discount to those weighing over 300 pounds because the place was chock full of fatties! I transversed contrails of body oder and Brut cologne as I fought my way to the electronics department. Yuck. I'm not the judgmental type. I live and let live. But when you concentrate that many genetic misfires into one area, it's like achieving critical mass for a hatred explosion. Sam Walton is the Robert Oppenheimer of discount shopping rubes.

I'm confused: there aren't any trailer parks near my WalMart, yet the patronage was entirely composed of the species Anthroparkus Trailerius. I wonder if WalMart installed magical teleportation machines in trailer park outhouses that beam fatties into the chip and pretzel aisle.

It is the irony of our time that as people get fatter and fatter, the aisles at Walmart get narrower and narrower. I walked 2 extra miles detouring chunky, polyester-wearing, Marlboro-smoking mothers chastising their kids in public. And why do these people believe the store entryway is a fine place to stop for a chat or to browse the WalMart sales ad? Tell me good sir, On which aisle might I find cattle prods?

Acting on a spell of morbid curiosity, I visited the WalMart clothing section. The shirts and pants never quite match. Do they do that intentionally? Or are those slave-wage Pacific Rim children in the factories all colorblind? All the clothes at WalMart have that 1970's charity bulk-sale look to them.

Oh, man. I wish you could have seen the ghoul who greeted me at the door. This guy looked like he moonlighted at Disney's Haunted Mansion. I knew I'd have to pass him on the way out, so I stopped by Aisle 8 and picked up a crucifix. “Thanks for shopping. Have a good day, sir.” “And you have yourself a good afterlife, you freak of nature.”

45 comments:

Paul said...

Go into Wal*Mart. Go into Nordstrom's. Two different crowds. It's amazing they exist in the same city.

heartinhand said...

Welcome Back!!!

To save you the gas money driving up here because Christ/Allah/Budda knows the price of gas is ridiculous. Anyway suffice it to say that CANADIAN WAL*MARTS ARE EXACTLY THE SAME except in the seasonal aisle around the first part of July...ours have Canada memorabilia instead. And I don't think they're smoking Marlboro, Players' Filter here instead. But otherwise, it's EXACTLY the same.

Mona said...

God made Man
Man made sin
God made hell
To put him in.

God made Man
Man made religion
Choose what you like
And join the legion.

Some get drawn in
By way of born-in
Some pick the knife
By choice to strife.

An Idea is worth a fight
Is their painful rumination
Which itself shows light
To the clash of Civilization!

Religion is Man made. Everyone feels his own is the best & rest are trash. Now who will judge the Judgment itself...that is a million dollar question...
Maybe the Tao is having the last laugh...


The WalMart experience! What a poetic expression of WalMart Compression!

You specially must have had it difficult with that Big Butt...
( what are you thinking?? That is your name; I'm not being rude!! :D)
Not that I cannot be when I want to! I can be super duper rude too extending a volley of expletives with super long breath!

Chips & stuff are like lure of the lucre for fatties, I agree. This WalMart of yours seems to be doing its homework well!

Now if only there was an expansion machine for the corridors...

Big Butt, I command you to add that to your list of future inventions.

& I bet with that I might be able to understand the Quantum theory...

Peter said...

Hey Rich, there is talk of Wal-Mart invading Australia sometime soon, I'll let you know how that turns out for us here.

tornwordo said...

So you fit right in then ; ) I never shop there anyway, but I'm reminded of why now. About time you posted, btw.

Spinning Girl said...

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
that store makes me want to stick pins in my eyes!

Bennet said...

With all of these monolithic fat asses crowding every aisle I don't understand why Wal-Mart doesn't install warning sounds on it's shopping carts.

On several occasions I've nearly injured many small children trying to wheel around these massively fat ass obstructions in every lane.

Wal-Mart should post a warning near it's "Everyday low prices" slogan that reads:" Warning! Every day fat asses at every turn, Please beware!!"

themarkcheney said...

The one thing that every religion has in common is to "have faith". I don't think it matters what you "have faith" in as long as you trully believe and "have faith". But hell, what do I know.

Dave Morris said...

Perhaps your "The Wal Marts" hasn't been there long enough. It's a known fact that The Wal Marts don't get built near trailer parks, trailer parks get built near The Wal Marts.

Did you shit yourself and apply for food stamps while you were there? When in Rome, and all...

Sassy Blondie said...

LBB, it's those goddamn everyday low prices that draw you in...as with the rest of the masses! I refer to certain people in Walmart as "Walmartians" because it truly can resemble what I envision as life on another planet.

And many times, after the shopping experience, I must go to confession for my murderous thoughts towards these Walmartians.

And those kids that are permanently parked with a table outside selling shit? They suck me in everytime....

Loving Annie said...

I knew I was allergic to Walmart and Costco for justifiable reasons !

It'd be nice if there really only WAS one religion. Of course, I think it should be mine.... :)

Hope you are having a good summer, LLB.

Bella said...

Aw, yes, Wal-Mart. I have no choice but to shop there being that I live in this sucky town.

call of doody said...

After reading your posts- I guess I will chose Muslim as my religion- So I can go Jihad and blow myself up in a Walmart. I can rid the world of a bunch of fat people, a Walmart, and a pathetic Muslim extremist + I hear I would get to bang a bunch of virgins at the end of it? Wait a minute,,, I hope the virgins I get are not the fat assholes I just blew up in the Walmart. I cant win.

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

" I'm rooting for whichever religion forgives gluttony, lust, intemperance and swearing."

Where do I sign up? You need my signature in blood? No problem! ;)

NWJR said...

I love how people criticize "everyone else" who shops at Wal*Mart without once admitting they shop there themselves. Have these people every heard of Pogo?

Beth from the Funny Farm said...

Go to Walmart on the days the welfare people get their $$. I double dare you.

I despise wally world. Unfortunately, here in the country, there is a lack of diverse stores at which to shop. Even the grocery stores have a hard time competing here. In the space of 25 miles there are 4 Walmarts. 3 "super" and one regular. Where the regular one is- they are constructing a new "super" one, four miles from that site with plans to close the original one.

Mr. Friendly said...

Didja ever see the Three Stooges piece where Shemp gets smacked around by the eight-armed statue?

Good stuff. Who says Hinduism is for pacifists only?

Evil Genius said...

Whenever I go to WalMart I always look around for the "short bus", 'cause I SWEAR there's GOT to be one that's bringing them all in there.

Wait, that was wrong of me. I apologize.

Those fat asses in spandex would never fit through the doors on that bus.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Rockem sockem, Haysus. Stand up for what's right. If you can figure out what that is.

phishez_rule said...

Instead, I want everybody to duke it out -- fisticuffs

I don't know if you're paying attention, but they already are!

Ari said...

Brings to mind my pet name for Wal-Mart: The Necessary Evil (unless you're richer than I, that is).

BTW I have just done a semi-extensive review of Arizona. I'd love to hear what you think.

katie said...

dude-i could not agree more about the wal-mart. it's just like the K-Mart i used to work at. K being for Klassy and all. not. :)
the wally worlds down in Hotlanta are even worse i assure you. the body odor is worse down here.
they do have better prices than Target though, LBB. i must admit that. :)

have a great day!

Oh great One said...

I hate HATE Walmart, but I still shop there. Luckily I no longer have one of those big butts so you couldn't have seen me there. :)

Elaine said...

it is scary how dead on your wal mart experience is to mine and probably everyone else's ...you might be onto something about that teleportation machine in the trailer park outhouses. powered by pabst blue ribbon and chew spit.

Mona said...

HOLA! BIG BUTT!

Cynic with Flair said...

Your spin on the Coexist thing is brilliant. Makes me want to see "Deathmatch" like they used to do on MTV, with clay-mation figures of Jesus and Jerry Seinfeld duking it out.

And Wal-Mart. You have said what brims up inside every PC person's brain but we are too afraid to say it. Well, I'm not, but others are. Every single person is overweight and wears clothing unbecoming to their size, beats or berates their children, blocks the aisles, and has loud conversations with whomever they "brung". The Sam Walton/Oppenheimer comment is classic.

Miss Sassy said...

These days, I prefer to blend in with the trash at Ikea - the isles are wider, and they have a kitchen to make me dinner in the middle, so one day I can aspire to make myself fat enough to block even those arrow lined lanes.

I won't touch the religion, lets talk about the president...

NWJR said...

"Every single person is overweight and wears clothing unbecoming to their size, beats or berates their children, blocks the aisles, and has loud conversations with whomever they "brung"."

So when you visit, which one are you?

Heff said...

I think my experience has you ALL topped, having to do my Wal-Mart shopping in balmy Alabama. My favorite (and there's one in every store) is the 300lb toothless Grandmother that can walk just fine, but chooses to ride in one of the store-offered "FatAss Mobiles" to shop, simply out of sheer laziness.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

we hardly have any walmarts here, and the ones we do have are skuzzy as shit. granted, target corporate is here, but yeah... i dont go to walmart unless i want to get scabies or something

just me said...

Wallmart gives me insta-headaches upon entering.

So I do not enter.

Preposterous Ponderings said...

Wally World has some damn good prices on candy.

Hence the reason there were so many lard asses there.

Anonymous said...

Shame on you! If you didn't know or don't really care I'll tell you anyway. The only people they hire to work the door is HANDCAP people.
Rather then sitting home and drawing what little money they can from the government they are trying to make a little more money for maybe food. The governemt only lets a person make an extra 650.00 dollars per MONTH. That doesn go far but they try. I'm sorry you can only see what's on the outside and I hope you never need to go on assistance of any kind.
Donna, Wife of a Walmart Greeter

Jenni said...

I think it would be safe to say that by developing and installing some sort of birth control mist that would be inhaled by everyone that walked through the doors of Wal Mart would be doing the world a huge favor.

TavoLini said...

oh my!!

Seriously, though, very little makes for better Wednesday night amusement than a 2 am trip to WalMart...

Ari said...

Thanks for your kind words and your visit. :)

snowelf said...

I'll tell you what, LBB, as you know I just recently moved, and after being stuck in a town with the only place to shop being stupidwalmart aka the retail rummage sale outlet, I have seen it all! It's not so much the people that bother me as the way they treat their employees. And know what--there is nothing at all handicapped or elderly about the door greeters at the walmart here...ours are young and do not greet you, unless by greeting, they mean rolling your eyes when your son wants a sticker. I have tons of crappy stories--like how one time i was trying to put an exercise machine into my cart and three male employees walked by as I was struggling, stood in the back of the store watching me and didn't even help. And another time when I went to by my son some baby formula and they were COMPLETELY out--which is ridiculous in my opinion.

I am a hardcore Target girl and refuse to set foot in stupidwalmart unless someone I am shopping with wants to go there. People can have their own opinions about stupidwalmart, but I have not had good shopping experiences there at all.

--snow

Midas said...

Hmm, there's a walmart here in our neighborhood where houses averaged at 1 million, and I still see those people you're seeing. They must teleport them.

Dan O. said...

The newest WalMart to us (there's three within a 15 mile driving distance) is not in a heavily populated business or residential district and so hasn't been invaded by the missing chromosomers yet.

I went to the 1st one when it opened 15 or so years ago and never returned. I've been to the newest one twice. They have some cheap DVD prices there. That's about the only reson I'll ever go again.

FRITZ said...

One thing I know for sure is only one religion can be correct

Mmm.

Sorry, what? In what part of the world do you live where there is only one way of going about something? That's sad.

I'm also terribly relieved that we can still mock fat people. After all, we can't say nigger or spic or faggot anymore. Thank god for the 'fatties' and the 'retards'.

Who else would we target in our blogs?

mcBlogger said...

I've been saying this for years about Walmart. My parents refer to it as "the Great Satin"

honkeie2 said...

I call wal-mart the meat zoo! I go there just to feel better about myself, because I know I have problems but at least I am not that guy!
And they always have the best prices on car lube.

honkeie2 said...

Oh, i forgot....screw all religions they are all worng. My imaginary friend can bet up all of theirs!

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Okay...I KNOW you're out there somewhere, dammit....

;)

mckay said...

i wonder if the Walmartians mock the Targetites? "look at they hifalootin' snobs wasting theyre money for wider eyels." (yes, they misspell in their thoughts)