8/29/2008

Hot off the LBB news wires...

29 August, 2008. 1350 hrs...

The environmental activist group Busybodies For Earth-Mother (B-Fem) has filed a lawsuit in federal court for an injunction against Sun, Inc. after learning that the Sun is generating its energy by means of nuclear reaction. Sun, Inc. was 93 million miles away and unavailable for comment.

Nuclear energy has been a political bone of contention, intensifying after the 1979 Three-Mile-Island incident. Branded into America's conscience 30 ago, the accident at Three Mile Island was the most significant in the nuclear power industry. More recently, the threat of terrorism has further escalated opposition to nuclear power.

B-fem is furious after learning the Sun, which enjoyed the status of an “alternative” energy source, is in fact using massive nuclear reactions to fuel itself.

Protesters in B-fem and other environmental activist groups chimed in. “We need to explore alternative forms of energy like wind, geothermal, tidal and sol... uh, well, we need alternative fuels.”

Protesters held signs reading, “Hell no, hell no. Big-Solar has got to go” and “Big-Solar shines on George Bush and his cronies.”

Senior executives at Sun, Inc. are major contributors to the RNC. In the 2000 and 2004 elections, Sun, Inc. donated over 3 million kilowatt hours to the George W. Bush election campaigns. It also is believed to be shining a little stronger over the state of Texas – a possible kickback to former Texas Gov. George Bush.

Scientists estimate that the Sun is polluting the solar system with billions of joules of radioactivity, and that while the Sun imparts only a minute portion of its total output on the Earth – some 93 million miles away -- the consequences are devastating to the ecosystem.

Dr. Eugene Black, an ecologist employed with B-fem, had this to share during a press release following the lawsuit filing:

While we stand by like typical American bovines, the Sun is gobbling up the universe's limited resources of hydrogen. Then it belches out radioactivity spanning the electromagnetic spectrum. These energies interact with the Earth, causing dire consequences. Much of the plant life here on earth is the result of the Sun's nuclear byproducts such as light and heat. Scientists have reached a consensus that plant life levels have been steadily rising over hundreds of centuries. Most believe that if we don't act now, we'll go beyond the point of no return and that in 10 years the planet will be overrun with vegetation.

Perhaps even more alarming, growing evidence links the Sun's output to global warming. Also, unwanted tan lines.


Sun, Inc. could not be reached for comment. But a statement on its website assures visitors that the Sun is committed to universal hydrogen conservation. It claims its energy products are 15% recycled helium. It also boasts its financial commitments to ultraviolet, gamma and particulate radiation reduction – an effort colloquially known as “Going Yellow.”

Politicians are revving up to respond to concerned constituents. Democrats are weighing the idea of a sunlight tax. The targeted taxes would burn those who use solar cells, those with excessive windows and solar tubes in their roofing, and those with “really killer suntans.” People residing in the Southwest, Florida and in beach towns around the coasts may also have to pay their “fair share” of the sunlight tax.

Economic policy adviser Justin Timer explains that the sunlight tax has a twofold benefit: “One, it dissuades people from using or enjoying sunlight. Two, it gives us the funding to invest in alternative technologies for blocking out and eventually destroying the sun. Our vision is to build a rocket that will shoot the the sun and blow it up by 2025.”

Sen. John McCain, a victim of the sun's radiation as a melanoma survivor, revealed in a town hall meeting that he hates the Sun “almost as much as the gooks.”

Not surprisingly, America is mostly to blame for the Sun's greedy profiteering and environmental destruction. The International Panel on Solar Awareness has cited the fact that while America comprises roughly 3% of the Earth's total landmass, it consumes about 6.1% of the Sun's incidental energy – twice its fair share.

35 comments:

Evil Genius said...

Less vegetation! Less tan lines! Big-Solar has to die!

Roxrocks said...

"Unwanted tan lines"

I want to live inside your mind for a day! Like, a whole day!

Loving Annie said...

Snicker... Ah, you write as well as any of the politicians do !!! Garbage disguised as fact. Scary thing is, Obama or McCain could get up and read this verbatim and there would be some morons who would take it seriously...

Jack K. said...

"The sky is falling, The sky is falling."

Will wearing a sleep mask be an appropriate method for escaping the dangers of Sun, Inc.?

I am sure you have diligently researched this information.

Thanks for the warning.

Mona said...

O dear,Big Butt, this son is really started rearing up its head again,ever ready to burn ass & the likes...
I tell you, It won't be an easy case to win that lawsuit! That Sun is very clever, has been ever since Times immemorial! & It always fights its own case with such burning passion that anyone who tries to mess up with him, is sure to burn his fingers!

I remember once, Our friend Darkness went to the Supremest Court of the Almighty Himself to File a Suit against The Sun ( that time this Sun was still a teenager following girls , eve teasing them) So this beautiful Velvety Darkness Went to The Supremest Court and said : "Your Honor, This Casanova of a Sun is Always following me! Where ever I go, I see him in tow , trying to catch me! I tried running around in all the possible spaces in order to hide , but he wherever I go, I see him following me like a Sha...er... Whatever. I fear Rape & Ravishment and Burning Fury from him for my having spurned his advances. I Beg of you your honor! Please save from this vandalism lest I be consumed and consigned to Hell Of a treatment from him!!"

Your Honor, God Almighty Of the Universe sent summons to the Sun the next day & spake to him thusly:
" Son Sun, I have a massive complaint against you! I heard that you have been up to your tricks again & have been trailing this innocent girl Velvety Darkness Frightening Me...er.. the Bejesus out of her! Now such an act of felony does not befit a person of your brightness. I thought you had more helium and hydrogen in you heart to have acted so hoary headed! How could you burn Holograms in your Honor and hurry such a humiliation to thyself?" Stop hovering around the Gorgeous Girl & save yourself the gossip!"

The Sun pretended to wear a bewildered expression ( although he failed to keep it for long on his sun(r)face due to the ever changing view of his visage) and thus replied :

" I am surprised and scandalized at such slander that this sissy is trying to smear on my self to slur my image! I do not even know who this person Velvety darkness is Your honor! I have never seen her even. can you please bring her in front of me so that I can see who has filed a petition in my name ?"

And then, No matter How much the Head of the Supremest Court God Almighty tried, He could not bring Darkness in front of the Sun!

The Case is still pending in the court I heard!

So Big Butt! Please inform B- Fem, who they have to deal with!

Jeannie said...

Really, this needs a much larger readership. Please send it somewhere to be published and demand a paycheque.

Brilliant.

Hammer said...

Nuke the sun!

Evil Twin's Wife said...

LOL!!

Mona said...

& I was thinking that whoever wrote Dr. Eugene Black's speech should be fired, for having omitted to mention something like : "Most believe that if we don't act now, we'll go beyond the point of no return and that in 10 years the planet will be overrun with vegetation...and the human species will soon grow tails from their vestigial tail bones to wade their way through the thick dense foliage ."

& then its good that the Demos are adding VAT to Sunlight ( Value Added Tax). At least it will curb the use of Porn Sunlight and like Justin Timer says, put a rocket in our pocket , from our pocket!

NWJR said...

So THAT'S why McCain chose a VP candidate from the state that receives the least amount of sunlight per year. Now it all makes sense.

I knew it had to be something other than her inexperience and the fact that she's under a scandal investigation. Not that those aren't prerequisites for a Republican candidate, but I digress...

;-) <----the all-forgiving wink of forgiveness.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

That McCain will do ANYTHING just to collect 3 electoral votes. (We already know he has put in to fire the big gun in 2025 at Mr. Son. Yep, just anything.....)

Bennet said...

B-Fem says Al Gore has plenty of wind power stored in his ass for future generations & is also demanding he release it immediately but I say we stand firm & say a resounding: "NO!".

Superstar said...

Im down w/ the fact the SUN is FREE!!!

I ve been into "solar" power...since forever!!!

tornwordo said...

Aw, you know how I love it when you say gooks. Nice satire btw.

Dave Morris said...

Aren't we also getting "mooned" constantly? I smell another lawsuit.

Good stuff LBB.

Peter said...

Some of your readers seem to think this is satire LBB, you must strive to convince them of the truth of what you say.

Cynic with Flair said...

"In agreeance" as the Bush would say, with jeannie - you need to be doing this for a living.

What's next - The Moon, Inc. sues Big Solar for eclipsing her, and forcing her to absorb unwanted UVB rays? She's still feeling violated from all those astronauts, and she wants to kick ass.

As a resident of Florida, I have an unsightly farmer's tan caused by Big Solar, so I want a piece of the litigious action too. ( :

Beth from the Funny Farm said...

How did you get to be such a smart gook!

Ari said...

Scathing political commentary on a par with The Onion. I'm embarrassed that I lol'ed at what McCain hates the sun almost as much as, however.

Mr. Friendly said...

Gooks!

Nice touch.

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Note to self: Buy stock in sunless tanners.

katie said...

LBB for president!! you would so get my vote. ;)

Bella said...

OMG. I feel so 'enlightened' right now!

=) Bella

Dan O. said...

Is this going to be a Class Action suit? If so, where do I sign up? I figure Sun, Inc. at least owes me the medical expenses related to my melanoma plus additional monetary compensation for pain and suffering.

Oh, the pain and suffering isn't for my melanoma. It's for having to suffer looking at the dried up,wrinkly, brown-skinned, middle-aged, lifelong Sun worshipers who still insist on wearing revealing clothes on their crusted-over, tanned hides. E! Yew!

Mona said...

Big Butt! I think you have collected so many witnesses against the carnage of the painful and the pitilessly poignant Playboy named Sun!

Yo Momma said...

I think the sun is hiding weapons of mass destruction.
*************************
he hates the Sun “almost as much as the gooks.”

Hilarious.

Jay said...

Wow, that's a great sound bite from Johnny Mac!

just me said...

You win.

This is hilarious.

Mona said...

& I wonder, if you are Patrick, or Eric or plain Rick ...

Susan as herself said...

That's it. I am moving to Pluto. It was a planet once.

Mona said...

Hey Big Butt, I heard that the President of France calls his Wife Carla , Carlita! & that reminded me of you. TeeHee! :D

jillie said...

Maybe Sara the VP candidate is in dyer need of some vit D? That's what she gets for living in the dark for too long...

Susan has an even better idea...lets leave this planet...HA!

Chick said...

Me & my sunblock 55 always knew the sun was up to something.

EmmaK said...

I think McCain should start wearing an umbrella hat:
http://tinyurl.com/43mvar
It would protect him from the sun and also appeal to the youth demographic.

Memphis Steve said...

It'll happen soon enough, you just wait. They're planning this lawsuit right now in some RV camper parked in San Francisco.