8/27/2008

Some thoughts on this and that

*I recently applied at NASA for the position of Astronaut Trainee. One of the questions on the application was, “Are you willing to crap in a plastic bag?”

*Another NASA application question: “Can you tolerate 3 weeks of that 'tingly balls' sensation you get in a weightless environment?”

*You know, NASA is awfully informal for a bunch of scientists. You'd think they'd use terms like “defecation receptacle” and “scrotal nerve plexus kinesthesis syndrome.” But no. It's crap-in-a-bag and tingly-balls. And don't get me started on question #3, which asks whether you could fill a “piss-jar” while Mission Control watches on a closed-circuit monitor.

*Nothing comforts like abundance. Food, money, love, leisure – if you have just enough of these, you tend to worry. But if you have more than enough, you can put that worry to bed and move on to a new one. One exception where one enjoys having just enough, is body fat. And I suppose you could add body hair to the list of exceptions as well.

*Nobody is more evolved and together than they first appear. Given enough time, even the people you once revered devolve into mere humans with their own bag of foibles. I guess what I'm trying to say is that for every David Hasselhoff, there's a Wendy's Hamburger. So don't take anybody too seriously. Huh?

*Traffic jams can turn Mother Teresa into a homicidal maniac. I've often wondered why we're so prone to rage while driving. Maybe the scad of rules is to blame. We expect each other to follow so many rules while driving. We're bound to break a few. Then comes other drivers' indignation. Sometimes, I'll make a mistake behind the wheel, and some cranky fucker will toot. And the weird thing is, I get angry – even though I'm in the wrong. It think I know why. This thought flashes in my head: I've dealt with a thousand asshole drivers – gracefully, I might add. Therefore, I've got a few free driving boners coming to me. So blow it out your ass, Louis Armstrong.

*Yes, I just used the term “driving boners.” I meant a blunder committed while operating a motor vehicle. But feel free to retort with an innuendo.

*The best measure of a vocation's worth is the compensation-to-bullshit ratio. The formula holds at the extremes. That is, if your job is chock full of bullshit, then no matter what they pay you, it's crap. Conversely, if your job has no bullshit – it's invaluable, even if they pay squat.

*How does a bank get its start? You figure it's got to be one guy who rents a building and who basically says, “Hey, I'll hold on to all your money for you and give it back when you want.” You've got to be one charming fuckin' guy to sell that idea! I'm talking Ryan-Seacrest-wearing-Hai-Karate-cologne-charming.

28 comments:

Evil Genius said...

I'm thinking in-laws might also be something you want just enough of. I think if I had an abundance of them I might shoot myself.

I love your thoughts on the guy opening a bank!! Hmm, maybe he had great give-aways? lol

Mr. Friendly said...

Yeah, I worry about my worldly goods. I wake up in the middle of the night and wonder how in the hell will I get all this crap to the retirement home.

Then it comes to me, don't move. Let the kids have a yard sale when I shimmy off this mortal coil.

BTW, who are these people that find Mr. Seacrest charming?

Mona said...

Thank god they didn't ask you to crap in space, or we would have had turd satellites floating around. In fact they might gather like Saturn's dust and form a turd planet for all that we might know!

Tingly ball sensation.That should be fun I wish I could get that, just to know how I would feel! Alas...

You should not have worried about pissing in a jar. There would have been 5962,000000,643 miles between you and them!

yea, and noise & Big J & that other one whose name I have forgotten & nagging & ever so many other things!

O Dear, you talk about bag of foible while I listed and hung mine today for all to see. Well...love me or hate me, just don't ignore me...I swear i show it all, even a pimple on my bottom!

I Love dealing with asshole drivers( of course until they point a gun at me) I like giving it to them, left & right & in the groove!

Here is my retort : INNUENDO!

yea,its no tension like the no girlfriend when you have no money!

Like they say, an idea can change your life! Its not got to be Ryan-Seacrest-wearing-Hai-Karate-cologne-charming, it has got to be Hypnotic- eyes- with-dollar- sign charming!

tornwordo said...

Don't take anyone too seriously. Sage advice.

I'm irritated with myself that I didn't even notice that you used the word boner for mistake. Am I finally leaving adolescence? God I hope not.

Jeannie said...

Are the astronaut training questions the same for women? Tingly balls don't bother me in the least.

Traffic jams don't bother me unless I have to pee. In fact, unless I have a plane to catch, I calm down. There's just no point getting upset. It's simply not your fault that you're late. And you won't be injured in a high speed crash at least.

I agree with your compensation to bullshit ratio re: jobs. Problem is, bad morale is often a culprit. You get one person with a bad attitude and it can bring everyone else down. Get rid of them and everyone perks up. That's why unions are bad now. They have ensured adequate compensation for the job but because they want to protect their own, they create reasons to bitch so everyone is unhappy and there will never be enough money to fix that. They need to learn to shut the f* up and rest on their laurels for a while.

Loving Annie said...

Good Wednesday to you LBB.

The compensation-to-bullshit ratio is the best career description I've ever seen ! Now if all the head hunters and personnel managers would just start using it...

And you are so right about the banks. Hmmm, and WHY do I have money there ? Not for the piddly 2% that I get back - because the monthly fees are about equal to it !

And if anyone is qualified by NASA to fill a piss jar, I am sure it is you :)

Hope that you and your family have a wonderful upcoming holiday weekend - even if you don't have tingly balls...

Evil Twin's Wife said...

The next time I get honked at, I'm just going to think to myself, "Blow it out your ass, Louis Armstrong." and laugh instead of giving them a double barrel bird shot.

Breazy said...

I am with you on the rage thing!

Hope all is well in your neck of the woods. :)

Mona said...

People like you love me ( I safely assume you do) because I Respond Well !

Do you know what that means?

It means, that I am interesting because YOU are interesting!

Roxrocks said...

I've been feeling like a Wendy's hamburger for a while. This post has made me feel Hasselhoff-y again, THANKS!

ZenDenizen said...

Ryan Seacrest! LOL I prefer Lacoste Pour Homme myself...

Jack K. said...

What's with the road rage bullshit? Why do you think I pay my taxes. (Now I've got something else to rant about.) It is my road and I'll do whatever I want on it. So keep out of my way. You got that?

I wonder if that is the attitude of many drivers? A number of year ago, while on a driving trip, my wife came across an article about road rage. One of the suggestions was to repeat the mantra, "I am a peaceful driver. I am a peaceful driver." We decided that was a great idea. However, the navigator could be as fucking angry as he/she wanted to be. Just don't grab the steering wheel.

Snerx!!!

somewhere joe said...

I can think of a couple things the abundance of which may not be as comforting as expected... hangnails, for instance, or grand pianos.

Dan O. said...

My last job had me wading through lots of bullshit. And they thought with what they were paying me (which wasn't terrible), I should just shut up and take it. I didn't. And that's why I am working where I am today. For much less. Money AND bullshit.

random moments said...

You have no idea how many times I've wondered about the bank thnig. Why would anyone want to do that?? I guess the cash under the mattress thing leaked out to all the burgulars and someone had to act fast. Hence, the bank idea. *shrug*

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

" which asks whether you could fill a “piss-jar” while Mission Control watches on a closed-circuit monitor.
"


At least you guys can take aim, fire and actually get your piss in the jar. I don't think we women have much of a chance at that. I have absolutely NO desire to give myself my very own golden shower while Mission Control records it all for posterity.

Susan as herself said...

Man, I wish I'd invented the bank.

Redneck Scottsale Princess said...

Because it is MY FUCKING ROAD and YOU ALL NEED TO GET THE HELL OFF IT!

*ahem*

Hammer said...

I could never crap in a giant space diaper or piss on TV.

I guess I'm not the right stuff.

Cynic with Flair said...

I am one of the few who knows who Louis Armstrong was. And delighted that you referenced him in a retort.

As a decent driver, I understand that feeling - we all mess up once in a while, we're human. So don't go blowing your fuckin horn, Grandpa.

As a result of your post, I now have to examine the high level of bullshit to comp ratio in my job. It's higher than Lumbergh's TPS reports.

Love reading your stuff, LBB.

Beth from the Funny Farm said...

"Compensation-to-bullshit ratio"

You need give motivational speeches to high schoolers.

Mona said...

Correction: not Big J, Honest J...

(I think my memory gave way coz I just had had about enough...)

Rockin Austin said...

"Driving boners"....yes, I'm going to have to find a way to incorporate that into my next blog. BTW, thanks for stopping by!

katie said...

you have officially made my day with your use of the term driving boners! you rock my world, LBB. have a great weekend!! :)

Dave Morris said...

You're right about people who appear to have it together. Almost daily, someone I know opens their mouth and removes the mystique.

NWJR said...

Smuckers should sell "Traffic Jam". "I'll have the spreadable Toyota/Blueberry, please."

Superstar said...

NASA isn't made up of Rocket Scientists...so of course they have to ask simple 3rd grade questions.

Ari said...

I think the bank gets its start when the guy with the Biggest Mothafuckin' Vault comes to town. That guy hires the charming guy, and they're off.