9/16/2008

The lost Bible verses

Behold, readers! LBB has consulted with Biblical scholars whose joint research has unearthed many lost verses.

First, from the book of Genesis:

"And God observed in His creation that fellatio was the habit of wives unto husbands. And He had made this the natural order of things. And the Lord smiled."


"The Lord applied abundant fur to the genitals of both Man and Woman. And He instilled in His posterity the burning desire to place one's mouth upon these regions of the opposing sex, and also to thy orifices which excrete the bodily humors. And so the Lord revealed His sense of humor."


And these verses belonging to the book of Job:

"He who suckles at the teat of the Welfare state, or who refuses to work thy trade, or to take labor of any kind, shall get a holy kick in the loins; for he runneth over with sin. All who walk with the Lord shall shun and ridicule he who suckles."


"Youths whose garbs hang low and reveal the gluteal cleft are sacks filled with douching humors. Let us pray and entreat our dear Lord to strike them in thy cleft with a lightning bolt."


And from the great book of Proverbs:

"The commode which man uses to deposit his bodily humors shall remain upright and pointing to the heavens above. So is God's will."


"Those who imbibe intoxicating spirits will walk with the Lord, and know the bliss of His Grace, and the Lord's plan shall reveal itself in dreams and hallucinations. Yet drink not to excess, lest thy altar be not the Lord's, but a false porcelain goddess."


From Isaiah:

"When such time passes that iron beasts reign supreme on the world, and man drives them on flat and hardened stone, the virtuous will take the path farthest right, except for when passing a slothful iron beast, and the sinful will hog the left path and know His wrath in the afterlife."


"Troubadours who strum the lyre and go by the name, Creed, shall bear God's name yet offend thy ear, so that His word stinks in the ear. Believe not they speak the word of God. For they are Satan's musicians."


"And she revealed her abundant loins and midriff where gluttony reigned, and undergarment twine traced her ample haunches, and this sight so appalled beholders that they be sick in the gut upon beholding. And the Lord said this should not be."


And finally, from Revelations:

You shall know the mark of the beast not by three 6's, but by colored design across the lower hide of the female. Posterity, know this by its true name, Tramp Stamp. Be not tempted by this sluttery; for it is the mark of Satan.

39 comments:

Loving Annie said...

Finally, a religion I can relate to :)
Proverbs was great, but then again so was Isaiah...

Happy Tuesday to you, LBB !

Roxrocks said...

I do love the Revelations one!

Mr. Friendly said...

The nuns never read these passages. I will have to start reading Bible again.

Well done LBB.

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Um...where do I sign up to be baptised into the church of The LBB???

It seems I've suddenly been saved! ;)

Can I get an amen, brotha????

tornwordo said...

I'm going to be using "humors" now all week. Dude, I just laid the most amazing humors, I had to take a picture of them, lol.

Mona said...

Is this a parody of the Bible?

Sadly, I haven't read the book :(

Shouldn't revealing the midriff go in the book of Revelation?

I am sure she who revealed her midriff was wearing a Saree

:(

Is that Tramp Stamp a tattoo?

Is that iron beast a robot?

So who suckles at the welfare teat state? a Democrat?

Lord's sense of humor is sense supreme :D

Why, the other day i saw a man getting a Mc BlowJob from Ronald the clown...

Mona said...

MAC BLOWJOB!

should that also not come in the section Job?

Jeannie said...

I guess the British and the like are terrible sinners

I thought Creed were gone bye-bye but really = what's his name had a damn sexy voice

And why is it only females who carry the mark of the beast? That's a little misogynistic. But that fits with the rest of the bible anyway.

Evil Twin's Wife said...

These are all great. I do have tattoos, but I'm so grateful I never coveted a Tramp Stamp - even when they were trendy. :-)

random moments said...

It felt so wrong and blasphemous to read these.... I loved every second of it.

Mo said...

So I guess if the Bible says that fellatio is required then I'll just *have* to comply.

PBS said...

Ha ha Tramp Stamp is the Mark of the Beast! Good one (all of them were).

Evil Genius said...

"And she revealed her abundant loins and midriff where gluttony reigned, and undergarment twine traced her ample haunches, and this sight so appalled beholders that they be sick in the gut upon beholding. And the Lord said this should not be."

God TOTALLY shops at Walmart. I KNEW it.

Yo Momma said...

What hotel did you steal this bible from because I want one!

Chick said...

See that? I think it's totally healthy to take what you need from the bible & LIVE IT.

Mona said...

Big Butt! I got your cyanide butter and arsenic jam sandwich ready at my place. You can come & eat it! ( travel expenses all yours)

Mona said...

and yes... please buy a one way ticket....

Bella said...

I've never read the book either, but THAT I can relate to!

=)

Jack K. said...

You are showing a new and maybe disturbing side to your personality.

Who would have guessed that you might be a biblical scholar?

Thanks for enlightening us with your erudition.

Tramp Stamp.

Genesis.

LMAO

And a giant SNERX!!

btw, you might want to put a cautionary note at the beginning to advise readers not to be drinking anything while reading this one. Liquids passing through the nose can do serious damage to one's surroundings.

Blogget Jones said...

You're so irreverent....I love it!

:o) BJ

Enemy of the Republic said...

Rewriting the Bible in one's own image--well done! But as for verse 1, I don't need God to tell me what to do with my husband!!!

Memphis Steve said...

Sooooooooo ... you don't like Creed, eh?

I'm still waiting on the lightning bolt into the asscracks of the punks. "The power of Christ compells you" ZAP! Right up the crack!

shoshana said...

LOL. I have to bring my husband over her. He loves bible verses. :)

Sassy Blondie said...

I'm of the attitude that I can strike down punks showing crack...perhaps I have a God complex?

OldHorsetailSnake said...

And from Daniel:

If ye shall find thyself among lions, lo there must be a zoo nearby.

The Dunce said...

Be careful, sources tell me that Arthur Fonzarelli loves Creed and bodily humors. Great post.

just me said...

How you come up with these things, I will never know...

cod4 said...

isn't there some mention about how Indian food sucks? Thats right- Mona you whore

NWJR said...

You should write the Book Of The Interweb.

Mona said...

hey big butt, get it moving...

Tequila Mockingbird said...

i like the scrolling marquee. i think you need to make it slower though cause it gave me a seizure and a half trying to read it ;)

stepping over the junk said...

our favorite before dinner prayer: rub a dub dub, thanks for the grub

Mona said...

is your post getting bi- monthly or monthly ?

I guess your blog will soon start having 'periods'

then we will come with our sanitary comments! :D

Dave Morris said...

So "blow job" was an instruction from God to Job's wife? Glad I got that straight.

If the Bible were this cool, I might be inclined to read it!

Mona said...

KICK IN THE BUTT! big Butt!

Shake that ass tootsie!

blewknight said...

Tramp Stamp.....and He looked at it and it was good!! LOL

~Fathairybastard~ said...

Man, I'm gonna have ta bust that book open.

Anonymous said...

i love all kinds of humor, except this kind. i dont think its funny to use god's word's like this. sorry, bud.

Beth from the Funny Farm said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I think I shall ask my older sister to cross-stitch a couple of these......