11/26/2008

Annual Thanksgiving post

Howdy, folks.  And Happy Thanksgiving!  I hope you're all spending it healthy, happy and in good fortune.

I can't believe Iwrote this post 4 years ago.  Since then I've been reposting it every year at Thanksgiving.  That makes it a tradition, so I can't stop now!

Before I cut-and-paste the text, I should take a few minutes to consider what I'm thankful for.  Let's see.  I'm thankful for my wonderful family and friends.  Also, I'm thankful for discovering Facebook!  I'm thankful for first-shooter games, my new 24" Samsung montior, David Hasselhoff, The Silversun Pickups, my sweet-ass Casio G-Shock, my newly remodeled home, and not least of all, my readers -- some of whom go back 4 years now! 


Some Thoughts on Thanksgiving

Every Thanksgiving I get to thinking about the Indians. I wonder if they celebrate Thanksgiving. I don’t imagine so. The way I see it, Thanksgiving is like theirPearl Harbor Day -- nothing to celebrate. Let’s just hope Indians don’t retaliate with an atomic bomb like we did! Ah, why worry? They’re way to poluted with "fire water" to split an atom. Good luck, Chief Tumbling Dice!

Being a paleface, I love Thanksgiving. I enjoy the way we celebrate with lots of food. Thanksgiving is the time of year I wish I had 4 stomachs, like a cow. That would be great. As long as I had a crapper near by, I could eat non-stop by circulating my four stomachs. Come to think of it, better throw in a couple extra poop shoots. You don’t want to bottleneck the system. If I break off the bigger part of the wishbone, I’m going to wish for that -- and for my enemies to be in pain, and a bigger penis if the wishbone can get around to it.

I love the kinds of food you find at a Thanksgiving feast. Turkey is traditional fare. Cooked correctly, it’s lean, tender and juicy meat. Some people claim an ingredient in turkey acts as a sedative and induces slumber. I’m skeptical. I account the after-meal drowsiness to stuffing one’s gullet with a lawn bag-full of food, and all the hooch in the egg nog. Here’s a tip for this year’s feast: marinating the turkey in Rock Star and seasoning with crushed No-Doze offsets the drowsiness. After all, you’ll need your wits for those inevitable family fights -- another Thanksgiving staple. I always pocket a shard of wishbone in case I have to stab my drunk uncle in the neck and make a quick getaway. That’s another tip I’d like to share.

I love egg nog, too. Eggs, milk, cream, sugar, and your favorite liquor. It’s chock full of calories. I drank two glasses of egg nog last Thanksgiving and didn’t recover my appetite until Cinco De Mayo. It’s filling stuff. We could nourish the entire continent of Africa with a few pints of egg nog. Happy Kwanza, Kunta Kinte. Drink up. Incidentally, I pride myself on being a non-judgmental person. But if Africans celebrated Christmas instead of Kwanza, God wouldn’t let them starve.

After a huge meal, the family has to unbutton their pants to accommodate full bellies, all except my uncle, a Class 2 sex-offender who remains under court-order not to unbutton his pants within 50 feet of a minor. Unbuttoned pants are the hallmark of a good meal, aren’t they? That, or a really good adult website. I can barely move by Thanksgiving evening on account of my alimentary canal being full of food. But who needs to ambulate when you’ve got all those wonderful Christmas specials on TV? Every time I watch Macaulay Culkin get his genitals caught in the food processor while watching himself in the mirror, I laugh my ass off. “Agggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!” It just keeps getting funnier every year. Some people think it’s the cologne he applies to his face. Not true. This year, pause your TiVo and look at the bottom of the screen. Freggin’ pervert is copulating with a Proctor Silex Salad Pro.

Anyway, I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving this year. Enjoy, Turkey.
  




31 comments:

ZenDenizen said...

I'd add you to Facebook but I have no freakin' clue of what your name is.

lfc said...

i was a virgin to your thanksgiving post, and it was fabulous.

and the solution to not having 4 stomachs... FLEET.

Mr. Friendly said...

T-day arrives in 34 minutes...

Yeah, I know it's only Wednesday. I'm leaving work in, well lookee here, 33 minutes.

Evil Twin's Wife said...

This is my first year reading your Thanksgiving manifesto - and I love it! Too funny. Hope you have a great Thanksgiving. :-)

Jeannie said...

Happy Thanksgiving!

It's not my first time reading this but it might as well be - it's not even familiar - old age I guess. Maybe you can rerun any number of posts if other people have the same memory I do.

Giggle Pixie said...

I'm loving it for either the 2nd or 3rd time!! Still makes me laugh just as much as the first time. I especially like the part about your class-2 sex offender uncle who can't unbutton his pants!

Here's hoping you get your fill of eggnog, and that you don't have to use the wishbone shank!!!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Bella said...

Yeah, you SHOULD be posting this every year. Very entertaining! =)

Hope you and your family has a Happy Thanksgiving!

Bella

Mona said...

Every Thanksgiving you post this & every year I ask which Indians are you talking about.

Happy Thanksgiving to you glutton. I hope your Big butt expands double with that turkey!

Ciao !

Roxrocks said...

Ahhh Crackbook claims another victim.

Bella said...

Hey LBB...I tagged you! Turn off the XBOX and prove me WRONG. Check out my blog.

SQT said...

I'm thankful for champagne and the fact that I forget what I'm supposed to be doing when I drink it. I gotta find the second bottle.

I cooked yesterday. All that's required of no now is that I don't get in the way for the prepping of the rest of the meal. Drunk on the couch you say? I can do that.

Victoria said...

Gotta love tradition!

Dave Morris said...

Thanksgiving is probably my favorite holiday. No BS family politics over gifts, only pounding food down and watching Fball.

Eventually you'll have to find a new scapegoat to take McCaulay Culkin's place, I don't think the new generation will have a reason to remember him! (or his genitals)

Breazy said...

LOL! I will be laughing over this until next Thanksgiving. Btw...I hope you had a good one, Thanksgiving that is. Have a great day!

Mona said...

Happy X mas & trip to walmart

Bennet said...

Still going....Still funny.

Ah, yes Thanksgiving...the lovely stink of rotted green bean casserole that stays lingering with me until Christmas...Yuck

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Just now catching up because I've been such a shitty slacker blogger lately.

But now that I'm here, I see I'm in good company...;)

Giggle Pixie said...

Hi LB!

Jump on over to my place when you get a chance - I left you an award!

R said...

Macaulay Culkin's genital mishap = comedy gold.

~8o8

Jay said...

You're terrible, and terribly funny.

Preposterous Ponderings said...

Still eating turkey here.I'm so damn sick of it.

Ham will be the next thing to feast on for a friggin month.

I'm so looking forward to Valentines Day...it means all of the chocolate my fat ass can handle! Yum!

gusgreeper said...

you need to come on twitter... :)

Mona said...

Big Butt? Haven't you digested that turkey yet??

Wake up! Its Christmas time!

Cynic with Flair said...

Wondering if Native Americans celebrate Txgiving makes me think of how many people wish "Happy Txgiving" to Europeans and Asians. I just laugh when I see this, because Americans can be so dense! It's not all about us, people!

Thanks for reposting since it was new to me.

I'm glad you like Facebook...to me it's another commitment I can't seem to keep.

c.o.d. said...

#1. Your welcome. I am grateful for you too dk head

#2. Which group of Indians were your talking about- the fat, beer drinking scalpers- or the ones that will melt your face off with their curry breath?

Mona said...

I think he went into hibernation after all that eating...

Wake up Big Butt...Its Christmas!

Mona said...

since I can't keep on wishing you Merry Christmas all the time...

I'll wish you happy birthday

HAPPY BIRTHDAY RICK ( whenever it is)

Mona said...

Merry Christmas to Big butt & Family!

Mona said...

Happy New year Big Butt... I hope you are alive...

NWJR said...

Every day you don't blog, God creates another Democrat.

Mona said...

(((HUGS)))