Bad boys need spankings

A note to the reader

Don't get the wrong idea. I love blogging as much as ever. A bombastic big-mouth by nature, I always have something to type. The problem is this damn time-sucker, Call of Duty 4. It is a black hole and I'm a helpless beam of light. I can't escape the gravity. How many times I've began writing a post only for the following thought to seduce me: “You could be killing ex-soviet bloc terrorists right now.” I succumb to temptation. And consider this particle of irony: the same egoism that drives me to blog, drives me to practice my skills at the first-person shooter, Call of Duty 4.

And even as I type, my PS3 is downloading SOCOM 5: Confrontation (released 15 Oct.). Long-time readers may remember that SOCOM is where my devotion to first-person shooter games began. Non-gamers won't understand the pull of COD4, just as non-drinkers fail to understand the gravity of alcohol. And after all, it isn't “Call of When-I-Feel-Like-It” or “Call-of-Just- a-Video-Game.” It's Call of DUTY.” Alas, it's my duty to kill.


Today's post is about punishment. I find it a fitting theme given the results of the presidential election.

Our Constitution prohibits cruel and unusual punishment. Yet ironically, the punishments courts apply in lieu of cruel and unusual punishment are crueler and more unusual. Consider what we do to criminals: prison -- we lock them in a cage. Often we don't let them out for years. Serving time, inmates ward off abuse from the guards, violence from other inmates, and an occasional lunging hot dog. I can't think of too many penalties crueler than that. Look at what 10 minutes of “time-out” will do to a youngster. Now imagine 10 years. Most of us wouldn't lock our pets in a cage.

As cruel as prison is, it proves to be a dismal deterrent. Recidivism rates among criminals are high. Prison lacks something important. To be effective, punishment must have an element of humiliation. Many convicts wear their prison sentence as a badge of honor. Prison is a criminal's Valhalla. This is counterproductive. That's why I'm an exponent of public flogging. You can't beat a flogging in terms of cost-effectiveness and expediency. And it humiliates the subject just as an effective deterrent requires. One must understand the machismo that so often occasions the criminal mind. Criminals' minds don't work like ours. Sensible, law-abiding people imagine having to serve a lengthy prison sentence and consider committing hari kari. But criminals, ipso facto, don't consider the future; they don't think in terms of “quality of life.” Instead their thoughts never stretch beyond intoxicants, mixed martial arts broadcasts and women of absent virtue. That's why we need public floggings. Flogging is a here-and-now thing. It's a language thugs understand. A few years in prison makes little impression on a hardened criminal. But bind his wrists, pull his pants down to his ankles and spank him in front of every lady in town, and he gets the message. He's scarred for life. It's tough to pull off the whole bad-ass criminal image once you've received a bare-bottomed spanking before the public you aim to terrorize. That'll learn ya, macho man.

Do you remember years ago when an 18-year-old American punk named Michael Fay embarrassed our nation by vandalizing cars in Singapore? Authorities caught the “Spray Paint Picasso” and promptly sentenced him to half a dozen canings. Predictably, Americans were up in arms over it. I guess locking him up in a cage for 2-3 years was the “humane” thing to do. But Singaporean justice called for an ass-whipping. And that's what our precious Michael got. I personally supported Singapore's notion of justice. During the 1994 controversy, I wrote my congressman requesting that America lend, as a conciliatory gesture, professional athlete Jose Conseco to administer the flogging. Strike one, strike two, strike three – you're out, you little bitch.

American objections notwithstanding, Singapore gave Michael his comeuppance. How effective was the public flogging? Fourteen years later, Michael not only hasn't vandalized another vehicle, he's afraid to paint the aluminum siding on his house. He doesn't dare to click the icon for Microsoft Paint. Recently, Michael suffered an anxiety attack while attempting to spray Pam in the frying pan before cooking eggs. No thanks, man. I've got a spatula. I'll just scrape the shit off afterward.

That's effective punishment.

Consider the gamut of inexpensive and effective punishments we pissed away because Dr. Spock wrote a couple of books. Flogging, tarring and feathering, the stockade, eye-for-an-eye sentencing, ostracism, bombarding with rotten fruit – all wasted resources. Dr. Spock has a lot of explaining to do. Regarding the “time-out” craze sweeping child psychology literature. It's bunk. What is a time-out? It's making the kid remain quiet and motionless for a spell. Do you see the error in that? If we could quiet and still the child, we wouldn't need the time-out! Kids occasionally spin out of control. When it happens, adults need to escalate punishment to bring them back under control. Even when you can force a kid to submit to a time-out, what's the punishment? What's the message? Now that you've exhausted yourself with your tantrums, antics, hijinks and conniptions, I'm going to force you to rest in peace and quiet! Deterrence, indeed.

When it comes to raising children, our brains have taken a time-out. Don't get me wrong, the intent is admirable: mold kids' behavior without traumatizing them. But logically, the center doesn't hold. And ironically, limiting our kids to time-out deterrence sets them up for that big house of time-outs with the grey bars and metal toilets.

I digressed into child rearing. Let me return to public floggings. Some may still not be convinced that public floggings are worthwhile. Corporal punishment offends their sensibilities. I ask these people to consider Catholic schools. I know Catholics for whom corporal punishment was part of daily life. Two choice punishments come to mind. The first involved an architect's scale ruler. It's a three-sided ruler that stands on two base sides while the third points upward. Imagine a ninja star for nerds. Anyway, when you misbehaved, the teacher had you kneel on your scale ruler for several minutes, so that the edge of the ruler gouged into your knee caps. How's that for good measure?

Should that fail to bring the student's behavior back into code, he or she would make a mandatory visit to the gymnasium, where he was outfitted in boxing gloves and deposited in a boxing ring. His opponent was Father Pommeling, the gym teacher and amateur boxing champ, who would kick the holy crap out of the unruly student. That's how we used to deal with kids who dared to backtalk or chew gum in class. Pain.

If schools were to administer such punishments today, Einstein's theory that matter cannot travel faster than the speed of light would be disproved by child welfare agents and tort lawyers zooming toward the superintendent's office at Star Trek Warp 10 speed. Do you suppose we could put lawsuit-abusing lawyers in time-out for a couple of decades?

The time to honor our Constitution's prohibition against cruel and unusual punishment is now. Contact your congressman and ask him to introduce public flogging into the criminal code. If time and resources permit, ask him to see about tarring and feathering, the stockade and ostracism. Remind him how much money we'll save by keeping prisons virtually empty. Also, give him a slogan. All political movements need a good slogan. Here's one for starters:  Break the Law and Your Ass is Raw. That would fit nicely on a bumper sticker!


Steph said...

Well, I don't know about criminals, but you've convinced me to give public flogging a try with my offspring.

Mona said...

Big Butt, Big Butt, tsk! tsk!

I did not call you 'Big Butt' to make you get obsessed about it!

Such a long tirade for a simple sentence " Islam has come to town"!

I love your style of writing though! & you should have been a lawyer instead of being in the hospital!

Love ya anyway! (((HUGS)))

Jeannie said...

My son (27) and I often have had this discussion and agree with you. Flogging or some time in the stocks or the pillory would do wonders.

When I was in gr 3, my favourite teacher had a version that was very effective. Our closet doors had a bit cut out at the edge rather than handles. When two doors came together, there was enough space to fit a child's neck. When unruly in class, we would have to stand there with our heads in the closet. It was very humiliating - and funny (when it wasn't you) and effective. That teacher would probably get her ass fired for that now.

My son recently asked me why, when they were bad, did I send them to their room. Their room had TV, nintendo and all their toys so it was no punishment. I told him: to keep me from killing you.

Mona said...

""SMACK"" !!!

No No! That is not a corporal punishment on your butt cheek!

That is a noisy kiss on your face!

NWJR said...

I saw the title and thought this was going to be another sex post.

Instead, we got a post about wargames and torture. Have the Bush years taught you NOTHING, lbb?


Welcome back.

Evil Twin's Wife said...

Unfortunately, Catholic schools are as lax on punishment today as any other school. I know because my son attends one. We plan to send our daughter to public school and take vacations to Disney World from now on (with the savings from tuition!).

I love it when I hear of judges who sentence a law breaker to wear a sandwich board proclaiming their crime on a very busy intersection. Public humiliation is the way to go!

mckay said...

best blog title EVER. it grabbed me, baby.

...and i loved the content, too. i'd love to see my big bad ex publicly flogged, especially when he presents himself as such an upstanding citizen. it would be so fine to have exposed on multiple levels.

hugs and spankings,

Giggle Pixie said...

Amen and Amen!!! In fact, the public flogging, sans pants, should be conducted whilst the offender is locked in stocks with his rear prominently displayed for public view. And it should happen over a period of days (not years, days is sufficient), so that the public can witness the welts left behind from the flogging.

That'll learn 'em, dern 'em!!

Oh...and you said "doooty". Heh!

snowelf said...

LBB, The flogging is an effective idea. I've always thought that the punishment for anyone should be to be forced to suffer whatever their worst fear is. Like being eaten by lions, or being trapped in a burning building, or buried alive, or having their fingernails peeled off with a potato peeler, or being forced to sit in a room with clowns or something. It should be something really personal to them. Think of the opportunities...


Anonymous said...

"You can't beat a flogging..." Almost had a beer foaming nose.

Cynic with Flair said...

How incredibly odd - snowelf, the commentor above me, mentioned being forced to sit in a room with clowns - my worst phobia. That would straighten me out quick.

My mom whipped me and my brother - in fact, she chased my brother around the yard one day with a belt when he called her a "bitch" -and she caught him too. However, he was whipped often, and still did incredibly stupid and illegal things most of his life. However, I did not - so is that nature or nurture?

My brother and I illustrate a point, in that some people need whippings and some don't. You have to punish a person based on that person's fears. Now that I support (I promise to be good; don't send any clowns!). It would make for an incredibly complicated prison system, though...( :

Mona said...

what about bad girls?

Bella said...

Screw flogging! =)

I'm just glad that someone is taking the whole COD4 thing seriously!

(glad you're back!)

Anonymouse said...

COD4... As I sit here impatiently awaiting the release of Wrath of the Lich King (midnight cannot come quickly enough!) I completely understand the Call!

Soon as i find out who I should e-mail here in Indiana (just moved here) I will! Flogging sounds like a wonderful idea! *thumbsup*

Oh great One said...

MMMMM....flogging.... I'm sorry what did you say? ;)

Oh great One said...

I can't get past the bumper sticker. It works whether you flog them OR send them to jail dontcha think? ;)

Becky said...

Damn call of duty! Just remember you can't have sex with it. Can you sense my wifely resentment?!

Loving Annie said...

Good bumper sticker !

Beth from the Funny Farm said...

I seriously spent the entire month of October playing Tribal Wars. Then my 15 year old son staged an intervention. He thought I took the game to serious. Phhssssttt!

Roxrocks said...

"Mold kids behaviour without traumatizing them..."

Oh sure, take ALL the fun out of parenting!

truthspew said...

Interesting ideas however as others have pointed out the punishment you suggest may not be effective in all cases.

In mine for example, after the authorities caned, whipped, whatever I'd hunt them down like dogs and kill them. I'm serious here, I don't do well with authority figures.

A better torture for me, deny me the internet. Seriously.

Ari said...

Yep! And bring back the stocks too! Only problem I see is... what about criminals who are into that sort of thing?