*I founded my model for explaining and predicting human behavior on the presumption that we are all the same. I figured those who hated Americans and yearned for our demise simply needed access to a local Walmart, a drive-thru McDonald's and an occasional blow job from a busty blond American floozy. Once they traded cave dwelling for mall shopping, they'd see the virtue in American life Then I read about affluent terrorists with iPhones, stripper girlfriends and Neiman Marcus decorated condos. My model broke down. I'm perplexed.
*My handwriting is much nicer in pencil than in pen. I think it's because I trained in pencil. It's my native medium.
*Whenever I take pains to remember something by writing it down, setting my wristwatch alarm, tying a string around my finger, or some other device, I find that the act itself makes an indelible mark on memory, so that I don't need the reminder. The thought stays fresh in mind. Knowing this, I can't force myself to write the note or employ whatever trick for reminding myself of important things. It seems such a waste: once I do it, I won't need it! But because I skip it, I don't mark my memory and sure enough, I forget whatever the hell it was I needed to remember. Paradox.
*Never make an important decision when you're hungry, horny, frightened or angry -- unless, of course, you're always at least one of those things at any given time, in which case, do the opposite of what you think you should do.
*I have a get-rich quick scheme: slight-of-hand trickery. First, I enroll in the David Copperfield Junior College of Magic and Illusion. I take every slight-of-hand course offered, practice relentlessly and perfect the techniques. Then I get a job at Circle K. Why Circle K? Because that puts me in charge of a cash register. Now I put my plan into action by shortchanging unsuspecting patrons. Some poor chump buys a pack of smokes and a six pack with a 20-dollar bill he earned by selling a 100 dollars' worth of food stamps. I hand him back what appears to be 7 dollars and 25 cents in change. He pockets the change and leaves. Later at the titty bar, he reaches into his pocket for a dollar where he instead finds a soiled napkin, a condom wrapper and a Sucrets throat lozenge – my calling card. Hey, that Circle K clerk ripped me off! Too late pal – you've been had.
*The president-elect is considering Hillary Clinton for Secretary of State. Fine, just as long as he doesn't make her a White House intern. With her big mouth and pension for revenge, we could have another imbroglio brewing in no time.
*I miss having enemies. I don't miss the enemies, per se. In fact I hope they die or go away forever. I miss having enemies. We're no long allowed to have enemies. Now that we've accepted the absurd notion that all religions are equally correct (and equally worthless!) and that all cultures are equally virtuous, we can't have enemies anymore. Sure, some people thirst for our destruction and express it with any number of hostile acts, but as these people are equally worthy of consideration, they're simply unaccommodated special interest groups trying to have their voices heard, or to overcome oppression and bigotry. I remember the good old days when antisemitism, terrorism, despotism, and genocide were evil acts and the people who practiced them were bad guys.
*Linda Tripp of Monica-gate fame recently praised Barack Obama's “purity of soul.” Congratulations, Barack! The woman who betrayed a friend and confidante, eavesdropped an affair and published the damming information to the entire planet, whereupon a friendship, a marriage, a political system and several people's lives hung in the balance – has identified you as a man pure of soul. High praise, indeed! But wait, there's more. I hear Mel Tillis has praised Obama for his remarkably smooth speech.