9/26/2008

Hola, lectoros!

My absence owes to some household remodeling. I've installed a laminate floor. I uttered surprisingly few cuss words and kept all 10 of my fingers. LBB:1 Life: 0

Just a few thoughts:

*If "you get what you pay for," why do we "let the buyer beware?" If the former cliche is true, why bother to "shop around?"

*The mission statement on my insurance company's wall reads in part: "to make our clients whole again." Most of the time I feel like I'm being made in the hole again.

*Tonight I watched John McCain unleash a brutal discipline of verbal jujitsu on that empty suit, Barack Obama. John must have paid attention when the "gooks" where beating him, just like the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles' sensei, Splinter, learned ninja fighting by watching from his cage the Master Hamato Yoshi.

*Earlier today I ordered a pizza for lunch. I called in and showed about 20 minutes later. I paid the bill. Then I moved down the counter to the kitchen window. The youth behind the window asked, "Do you have a large sausage?" Why yes, I'd like to think I do. I know it's juvenile, but I replayed that sound bite in my mind's ear and laughed the entire drive home.

9/16/2008

The lost Bible verses

Behold, readers! LBB has consulted with Biblical scholars whose joint research has unearthed many lost verses.

First, from the book of Genesis:

"And God observed in His creation that fellatio was the habit of wives unto husbands. And He had made this the natural order of things. And the Lord smiled."


"The Lord applied abundant fur to the genitals of both Man and Woman. And He instilled in His posterity the burning desire to place one's mouth upon these regions of the opposing sex, and also to thy orifices which excrete the bodily humors. And so the Lord revealed His sense of humor."


And these verses belonging to the book of Job:

"He who suckles at the teat of the Welfare state, or who refuses to work thy trade, or to take labor of any kind, shall get a holy kick in the loins; for he runneth over with sin. All who walk with the Lord shall shun and ridicule he who suckles."


"Youths whose garbs hang low and reveal the gluteal cleft are sacks filled with douching humors. Let us pray and entreat our dear Lord to strike them in thy cleft with a lightning bolt."


And from the great book of Proverbs:

"The commode which man uses to deposit his bodily humors shall remain upright and pointing to the heavens above. So is God's will."


"Those who imbibe intoxicating spirits will walk with the Lord, and know the bliss of His Grace, and the Lord's plan shall reveal itself in dreams and hallucinations. Yet drink not to excess, lest thy altar be not the Lord's, but a false porcelain goddess."


From Isaiah:

"When such time passes that iron beasts reign supreme on the world, and man drives them on flat and hardened stone, the virtuous will take the path farthest right, except for when passing a slothful iron beast, and the sinful will hog the left path and know His wrath in the afterlife."


"Troubadours who strum the lyre and go by the name, Creed, shall bear God's name yet offend thy ear, so that His word stinks in the ear. Believe not they speak the word of God. For they are Satan's musicians."


"And she revealed her abundant loins and midriff where gluttony reigned, and undergarment twine traced her ample haunches, and this sight so appalled beholders that they be sick in the gut upon beholding. And the Lord said this should not be."


And finally, from Revelations:

You shall know the mark of the beast not by three 6's, but by colored design across the lower hide of the female. Posterity, know this by its true name, Tramp Stamp. Be not tempted by this sluttery; for it is the mark of Satan.

9/12/2008

Topical ointment

Barack Obama told an audience at Colombia University that he plans to “make government cool again.” Bolstering his claim, he quickly added that he plans to appoint Arthur Fonzarelli his Secretary of State.







"Ayyyyyyyyy! Let me tell ya sumthin'. You need to vote this moulinyan into the White House so The Fonz can be the Secretary of State and the Ambassador of Cool. Ayyyyyyyy."