*I saw a 1976, full-frontal nude picture of Madonna.  Somebody tell US Airways that I think I found the “black box” they've been searching for.  They can stop dragging the Hudson River.

*After seeing that nude picture of Madonna I had to wonder whether that was her snatch, or if Gary Coleman fell asleep in her lap.

*Hey Madonna, go ahead and Open Your Heart, but close those legs!  PS, La Isla Bonita needs a little landscaping

*I want to invent a cigarette you can smoke in the shower. I'm calling it the Smoke-on-a-Rope.

*Also, I want to start a line of Christian-themed cigarettes: Jesus Joints, Manger Methols , Frankincense Lights, Burning Bush 100s, Shepards' Smokes... that kind of thing.  

*I like to dance when I'm at the local discotheques, but as a rule, I don't dance to the song unless the singer has gold teeth.  Gold teeth = gold record = prison record.  Yeah, Wayne Newton has gold fillings, but no, I won't dance to him, nor are you likely to read about him in the context of a firearm criminal charge.

*The recession is so bad, 50-Cent just changed his name to 3-For-A-Dollar.

*If “cans” is another word for boobs, and a boob job is called a breast enhancement, then could you call a breast-enhancement surgery a Canhancement?”

*How does a blind person stop himself from falling asleep when he's tired in the middle of the day?  It's already nice and dark in his world.  It won't help him any to force his eyes open.  If anybody reading this is blind, can you email me?  I'd really like to know how it works.

*The best thing about the latest Batman movie is, they didn't have the fruity costume designer put nipples on the batsuit again. That was worth $9.50 right there!

*I'm waiting for a prominent social scientist to correlate reality TV programming and anti-American sentiment around the globe.  Such work has the makings of a Nobel Prize.

*Palm Pilots and Smartphones are the Swiss Army knives of the electronics world: they do lots of different things, none of them particularly well.

*Sometimes my life seems like I'm just killing time until time kills me.

*People are up in arms over the terrorist wiretaps.  But it's wrongheaded anger.  Nanny-Cams are all the rage.  I'm sure the ladies on The View are all for Nanny-Cams.  Why should an au pair have less right to privacy than a bloodthirsty terrorist?   I say we put nanny-cams in terrorist camps.  Akmed, I swear that Cabbage Patch doll is giving me the creeps. I don't know why, but I have a strange feeling it watches me.