1/30/2009

Bullet-ins

*I saw a 1976, full-frontal nude picture of Madonna.  Somebody tell US Airways that I think I found the “black box” they've been searching for.  They can stop dragging the Hudson River.

*After seeing that nude picture of Madonna I had to wonder whether that was her snatch, or if Gary Coleman fell asleep in her lap.

*Hey Madonna, go ahead and Open Your Heart, but close those legs!  PS, La Isla Bonita needs a little landscaping

*I want to invent a cigarette you can smoke in the shower. I'm calling it the Smoke-on-a-Rope.

*Also, I want to start a line of Christian-themed cigarettes: Jesus Joints, Manger Methols , Frankincense Lights, Burning Bush 100s, Shepards' Smokes... that kind of thing.  

*I like to dance when I'm at the local discotheques, but as a rule, I don't dance to the song unless the singer has gold teeth.  Gold teeth = gold record = prison record.  Yeah, Wayne Newton has gold fillings, but no, I won't dance to him, nor are you likely to read about him in the context of a firearm criminal charge.

*The recession is so bad, 50-Cent just changed his name to 3-For-A-Dollar.

*If “cans” is another word for boobs, and a boob job is called a breast enhancement, then could you call a breast-enhancement surgery a Canhancement?”

*How does a blind person stop himself from falling asleep when he's tired in the middle of the day?  It's already nice and dark in his world.  It won't help him any to force his eyes open.  If anybody reading this is blind, can you email me?  I'd really like to know how it works.

*The best thing about the latest Batman movie is, they didn't have the fruity costume designer put nipples on the batsuit again. That was worth $9.50 right there!

*I'm waiting for a prominent social scientist to correlate reality TV programming and anti-American sentiment around the globe.  Such work has the makings of a Nobel Prize.

*Palm Pilots and Smartphones are the Swiss Army knives of the electronics world: they do lots of different things, none of them particularly well.

*Sometimes my life seems like I'm just killing time until time kills me.

*People are up in arms over the terrorist wiretaps.  But it's wrongheaded anger.  Nanny-Cams are all the rage.  I'm sure the ladies on The View are all for Nanny-Cams.  Why should an au pair have less right to privacy than a bloodthirsty terrorist?   I say we put nanny-cams in terrorist camps.  Akmed, I swear that Cabbage Patch doll is giving me the creeps. I don't know why, but I have a strange feeling it watches me.

17 comments:

Mona said...

First of all, I think I am a not only far sighted, I must also be a psychic, to have removed myself from your followers' list! I just avoided being called a phucker! :D
( Vaise...I stopped following everyone for that matter...)

Please give me a job when you set the Christian themed cigarettes company & we will give Phillip Morris a run!

50 Cents calculated correctly in terms of dollar devalue in relation to our Rupee!

Woman: Can I have a Canhancement Surgeon?
Doc: You Can but you may not!

True Incident : When I was flying from Minneapolis to LA, I got seat near the emergency door. There was a rules card to be read by whoever was occupying that seat, since they are the first ones to grab open the doors in case of an emergency. After having read all the rules, I came across a line in the end that said : 'And those who cannot read this card, please ask the fight assistant to guide you.'

Big Butt, Please put your mailing ID in your profile, otherwise how is the blind person going to know where he has to send you the mail?:/

Roxrocks said...

I, too, saw Mo's cooter and I will never be the same.

Three-For-A-Dollar! I woke up the dog on that one!

Jeannie said...

Just out of the blue like that you start talking about Madonna's snatch?


You are hilarious.

just me said...

Do people really still call them discotheques?

It's even spelled weird.

~gkw said...

I love these! Especially "*Sometimes my life seems like I'm just killing time until time kills me." and the wiretaps point... LOL

WendyB said...

In the old days, we all had massive amounts of pubic hair. It was considered...normal.

Evil Twin's Wife said...

I'm still LOL at "three for a dollar", but it would probably be pronounced more like "tree fo a dolla". Don't you think?

Loving Annie said...

LBB,
Good to see you posting again :)

Terrorist wiretaps are just plain common sense.

And it IS odd to remember the old days before trimmed landing strips and brazillian waxes, isn't it ? Hair styles change, along with everything else...

Hope you are having a good 2009 so far !

Loving Annie with a new blog (not writing in the old one anymore)

Loving Annie's Travel Treasures

http://www.truetraveltreasures.blogspot.com

Giggle Pixie said...

I think you should get Madonna to market the Burning Bush 100s.

And I love the nanny cam idea for terrorist camps! Someone should tell Obama to get right on that as one of his changes!!!

lololol

NWJR said...

It's about friggin' time you showed your face around the blogosphere. I know it's been a rough time for you, but buck up an deal. Real men blog, dude.

tornwordo said...

No nipples? Now I'm for sure not seeing it:) Canhancements is pretty catchy too.

V said...

Hysterical!

Peter said...

Your previous post was for Thanksgiving, is this one a late Christmas post or an early Easter one? just askin'.

Amandarama said...

I would give you shit about not posting frequently, but I clearly have no stones to throw. I will give you, however, the blind person/sleep thing. I don't know how they do it. I would sleep all the time.

Dan O. said...

LBB: "I'm waiting for a prominent social scientist to correlate reality TV programming and anti-American sentiment around the globe. Such work has the makings of a Nobel Prize."

Ain't THAT the truth! Of course you could also include the likes of Jerry Springer, Oprah, The View, etc.

Beth from the Funny Farm said...

There were nipples??!! Another reason to watch that movie.

shoshana said...

Oh, was that the one where she has tons of pubic hair? I think I saw the playboy magazine of that one. Ewww.