2/27/2009

Bullet-ins

Driving through the foothills at nighttime, I saw a cone of pink light cascading from a street light.  The light mixed with the fog to make a pink, ethereal soup. It was beautiful.  Later, as my car wound through the hills, I spotted a blackened hillside peppered with house lamps. As I gazed left, I saw the city skyline.  Everywhere I looked was incandescent beauty.  The electrified earth glimmering within the basin of the black desert hypnotized me.  It was exhilarating.  And then I thought of the irony of the environmental movement that damns what I saw.   Without land development, electricity, technology, mining, fossil fuels and the like, the terrain would be black, cold and inhospitable.  Why can't environmentalists appreciate beauty in man-made things?


I'll catch my dog lying in darkness.  I flip the switch and the lights brighten the room.  Suddenly, my once-blind dog now has the miracle of sight.  But it doesn't surprise her or delight her.  It doesn't even faze her.   I've given her an extra sense – the most important one at that – and she just looks at me, wags her tail, and goes back to sleep.   Shouldn't she be in awe of her newly found sight?  I'm amazed at a dog's lack of capacity for wonder.   Hey, Fido!   A miracle just took place.  Aren't you curious how it happened?


The recession has had a less-than-positive effect on me – particularly as a shopper.  When I walk into a store or a restaurant, I've got the attitude that I should be received as royalty, worshiped as a god.   I'm that rare breed of cash-paying customer.  I walked into a Best Buy after reading they're teetering on bankruptcy.   In I walk – a customer with a wallet full of cash.  Suddenly I become Julius Caesar.  Fetch me plasma TVs and laptop computers, royal subjects.  Kneel before me, Geek Squad dude.   Everybody rejoice!  Your benevolent king has arrived.  Cast rose pedals before my feet and make way for my procession down the DVD aisle.


A poem in two lines:

She claims that it's mine, and it scares the heck out of me.

But her threats are benign; I've had a vasectomy.


Buttramification:  the study of the consequences of chronic anal sex.


The best thing about being a procrastinating masturbator is, you're always looking forward to what cums later.


Obama lovers:  How's the transition from “Yes we can” and “Hope and Change” to “Things are horrible and they'll likely get worse” going for you?  Let me tell you what the New York Times isn't reporting: it gets much worse.  And it will stay that way long after blaming Bush is a plausible excuse.


The “natural living” advocates have just release their latest brainchild: the reusable toilet wipe.  Why stop there?  Let's do the environment one better and stop wiping our asses altogether.  Wiping is so anthropocentric.   Let's let whatever residue be, just like the animals do.  Maybe we can learn to lick ourselves clean like a dog – perhaps in some fruity, San Francisco yoga class.


Now that gas is $1.70 per gallon, are they going to rename the Smart Car?  How about the “Short-sighted, Novelty-chasing, Dumb-ass Car?”  That thing is so small, if you cut a fart, your ears would pop.

17 comments:

snowelf said...

LBB, why did I think you were not blogging anymore? I've missed your sarcastically humorous wit!

How's that Shamwow working for you? ;)

--snow

Mona said...

he claims that he has had a vasectomy
But she's pregnant with his child so his claim was phony!

The transition from "yes we can" and "hope and change" to " things are horible and they are likely to get worse" means that they are gaining momentum to move towards better!

Big Butt, I am in Northridge LA California just now.

Rachael said...

New comer here - but enjoyed the post.

As I started reading the first line (not realizing you have AZ listed) I saw Foothills, and thought oh cool - where ever this guy is, they have something called the Foothills too! Then it dawned on me. ha ha!
If you live in the Foothills area, you and I are sort of close. Im in
Ahwatukee.

Anyways, good bulletins!

Jeannie said...

I've often wondered whether our pets have any sense of wonder at how and what we provide for them. They learn early what opening the fridge means, and the sound of a can opener too.

Was the vasectomy efficacy checked?

My outlook on the economy is like yours but I really hope I'm not right.

Evil Twin's Wife said...

I saw some douchekateer in a Smart Car the other day. It had a personalized license plate that said, "SMRTCAR". He looked like a flaming dumbass in that thing. I just looked at him and laughed.

Oh great One said...

Hope and Change. Well he's doubled the defecit. That's change.

NWJR said...

Poem horror #2:

"What the frack?
My boys grew back!"

tornwordo said...

That car is little, but you wouldn't know it from sitting inside. I was surprised at how roomy it was. The poem was cute.

CaCaBoy said...

one- you crack me up.
Second- "No he can't"
Third- we could go back to sniffing asses like a dog.
four- small cars like the "spec" scare the hell out of me. I think if i crash in this, they'll need a wet vac to extract whats left!

Peter said...

Still in good form Bugs, good to see ya.

Becky said...

Take that Obama supporters! Reality sucks when it sets in that the man you supported for president has already increased the national debt by a trillion dollars in one month! Damn! How is that for saving us, he really just put us into even deeper debt. First thing he did in office was make us all pay for abortions by releasing the ban on federal funding, first things first let's make sure everyone pays for something whether they find it morally reprehensible or not! Sounds like a tyrant to me.

Look at what you did, all you had to do was type the word Obama and I went on a tyrade. lol

Call me Maniac. said...

Great post, LBB. And thanks for the Obama comment. I've been feeling like an open, conservative jar of Vaseline in a leftist cotton field lately... all these little helpless, fluffy things all around.

Birdie said...

Followed you over from a comment you left at Sticky Crows, and I feel like I've tripped and landed in a big pile of Robin Williams. This is very entertaining stuff! I've got you bookmarked now, and I'll be back.

My dog acts more like everything is new, every day, every time. Backyard? Is it still there?! Yesssss! You mean I can come back in?! Yessss! Who's at the door? The delivery guy? Again?! Roorooroorooroo! Turning on the light is just revealing a whole new event for her amazement.

DQ said...

Here gas prices are creeping up into the $2+ range so smart car owners can still give a smug look to the SUV's owners next to them. Though I agree that I would not want to be in one of them if someone had butt splitting gas.

Ari said...

Procrasting masturbator made me giggle. You've still got it!

Paul said...

I'd heard that if you get a vasectomy, you get more and better sex.

It didn't work for me.

dr.alistair said...

smart car? truck food.

and you can always spot (smell) those who are saving on shit tickets.....