3/24/2009

A few thoughts...

If I were Michael Phelps, I wouldn't worry about incriminating pictures of me smoking marijana.  I'd be like, "You want to ban me from Olympic sports?  Oh well, I guess I'll take my 14 gold medals and build a fort with them, maybe have a few left over to make into ninja throwing stars or something.  And I can do it, too, because I'm a multi-millionaire.  The only recession I worry about is my swim trunks crawling up my ass crack!"  Then I'd suck a huge bong hit and blow it right in Mark Spitz's face.  Stuff that down your Speedo, Mark!

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Wouldn't it be nice if people who talked a lot got repetative stress disorder in their jaws?  Oh, I'm sorry to hear about your jaw bone, Bill.  You know what helps that?  Rub some Bengay on your jowls and shut the hell up for the rest of the week.  

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I'm lowering my fashion standards as I age.  When I was young, I wanted to look cool, hip, and sexy.  Now I walk up to the mirror and think, Hey, this isn't too embarrassing.  I can get away with this look.  That's what fashion becomes as you get older -- a quest not to embarrass yourself.  The best possible scenario is that you blend in.

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Mental health therapists recommend that when you're angry with somebody, you should write an angry letter to that person. In that letter, let all your grievances hang out.  But once you're finished, don't mail it.  Destroy it.  I take this advice, only I don't destroy something I spent so much time writing.  Instead, I tape it to a large rock and send it crashing through their kitchen window.  The experts are right!  It's very therapeutic.

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Sometime during my lifespan, I became dependent on entertainment at all hours.  For example, I literally need the television to fall asleep.  That flickering noise box is a sleep aid.  How patholgocial is that?  And what's more, I have to find something good to watch before I can fall asleep.  Honey, give me the remote.  There's a special on the Discovery Channel I'd like to completely ignore and fall unconscious to.

19 comments:

uncertain girl said...

I, too, use the TV to fall asleep to. I even brought in a dvd player so I could pop in a favourite if there was nothing good on the tube. I'm happy to know I'm not alone.

R said...

It took years for me to fall out of my "need TV to fall asleep to" habit. Now I use late-night talk radio. I'm not sure which is worse.

Note new blog address. Follow the "R".

Jeannie said...

Yes - I love what you can get away with once you've reached that certain age. Very liberating.

And I too need the tv on - dvd actually because our bedroom tv isn't hooked up to cable. It used to be and I loved x-files and csi - just the right mood, interesting enough but I never cared that I never saw the ending. Can't watch funny because the laughing keeps you awake. Right now it's backlogs of Dexter and Chuck.

Hammer said...

British narrators on the history channel make me sleep like a baby..that is until that loudmouth bastard Andrew lesko wakes me up with his "FREE MONEY!!!!" Bullshit.

Roxrocks said...

I need silence to sleep, the hub needs the tv. I have earplugs. I use them during the day too. :o)

Evil Twin's Wife said...

I like your fashion advice! Very important - just blend in... :-)

gael_cee said...

I'm totally the same way with the TV. I usually like to fall asleep to old sit-com reruns. Barney and Andy will drop me like a rock. Thank God for cable on demand.

truthspew said...

My SO is what you'd call a fashion template. There is no way in hell I'd be allowed to leave the house looking bad.

It's to the point where I'm not generally allowed to buy my own clothes. He knows my tastes so that works for me.

ZenDenizen said...

That was a surprisingly warm and fuzzy list for you :)

gusgreeper said...

woot lbb post!

i love me some phelps this totally happened to a canadian athlete once from BC.

and ummm about letting it hang out i recently did that and had the cops at my door, turns out people who know computers can fuck you up the ass and me someone who doesn't just has to take it or i have the cops at my door from an email AN EMAIL.

tornwordo said...

I used to look in the mirror and see only flaws. Now I look and ala Fonzie, say "Hey, lookin good for an old man!"

Birdie said...

I had my corporate period when I had to dress in suits and carry a briefcase. Now it's all about comfort.

When I'm alone, I always go to sleep with the TV on. I set the channel to something funny and put the timer on 30 min. If I don't, I can't sleep. Works every time.

Peter said...

Good advice for Michael Phelps LBB.

Ari said...

I adore your barely concealed rage. Muah.

Mona said...

I am counting names in my mind whoes jaw I would like to develop a repitative stress disorder and am thinking how many tubes of bengay to buy and sent it to them.

Also thanks to you, I am going to remember to buy shamwow when I leave here next month.

yea, I have seen people worry so much about the butt crack recession here that they pull down their pants in such a position that you would think that they have shitted heavily in them.

well, there are many women out there who don't need to waste electricity to fall unconscious to a particular programme. Their husband's snores are such a soothing inexpensive replacement to fall unconscious to

why waste writing that letter at all. Just throw that rock on the head of, instead of the offender's kitchen window. End of the problem for good.

yea, blend in...I agree. I went to the Mac makeup counter in a mall yesterday and I saw a girl at a counter, blending in makeup with age lines of a client...

Becky said...

I would go everywhere in my pajamas if my husband weren't involved. Ironically, he is the one that always wants me to change out of my pj pants and at least put on jeans. I don't even think about embarrassing, all I think is this comfortable enough...

jillie said...

I find as I age, I am dressing for comfort. The stuff I wore 20 years ago? I wouldn't be caught DEAD in it. Yes, those ugly 80's fashions are making their way up the fashion ladder again.

As for Mark Phelps? They should have taken his gold medals away from him. Look what they did with the athletes that were on steroids. But that's just me...what do I know...lol!

Miss Sassy said...

Living in a new climate and being unemployed/self imposed housebound, I find it difficult to remember how to put the darn clothes on.
So congrats on checking the mirror for style points, I'm checking to be sure I've got all the parts I need to be sufficiently shielded from the weather.
Sometimes I don't blend in. Now I'll blame it on the aging process! Thanks LBB!

And might I suggest not choosing Discovery? it only takes one misguided dream of horrific bugs to make any slight movement in the periphery a whiplash event. Though it was nice to sleep through the 1am garbage truck, my fish tank has been relocated for safty reasons.

Sassy Blondie said...

I so get the "blend in"...