4/01/2009

Cereal numbers

When I'm eating a bowl of cereal, the information on the cereal box becomes both fascinating and terribly important.  Whatever the boys at Kellog's have to say, I need to know.   The anecdotes about wheat farming and home-style recipes still in use at the cereal factory are compelling.  Likewise with the quick-fix snack recipe that calls for the cereal I'm currently crunching.  Maybe I'll make it someday!  Of course, the nutritional info is the most important information.  During breakfast, my wife may try to ask me a question or give me a kiss goodbye.  Dammit, honey.  Not now.  I need to know how much riboflavin I'm getting here.  

Eating cereal is addictive.  That's probably why they call it "cereal."  It's like those serial killers -- they can't stop doing it once they start.  The serving size for cereal is one cup.  But I eat 3 or 4 bowls.  So I'll read the vitamin chart on the side of the box and start worrying.  Is it possible to overdose on this stuff? By my calculations, I just ate the equivalent of 42 Flintstone pills.  God, I hope my liver doesn't shut down.  

That would make for an embarrassing share-session at the rehab clinic.  "Hi, my name is Rich and I'm a Froot Loopahalic.  [Hi, Rich]  I knew I hit rock-bottom when I developed Shredded Wheat induced bowel obstruction and I was free-basing Total with Calcium  through a crack pipe.  This one time, I aspirated the toy prize.  Bad times, man."

Speaking of which, do you think serial rapists like to spoon their victims?  

37 comments:

Hammer said...

The same goes for rice crispies.
No substance whatsoever. I could eat 7 boxes and still be hungry.

And what's with the toys in the cereal these days? all I got was an IOU..It must be the economy

Jeannie said...

Very distasteful joke but it works doesn't it?

I am a readaholic and have read many cereal boxes over and over and over while munching. Weird. I notice my kids do it too. My husband will look at the pictures.

Cameron said...

Cereals can be a very expensive addiction. You pay a lot for all that sugar, processing and additives!

just me said...

I am also addicted to cereal. I like to mix up to 5 different types. Most people think that's disgusting -- but they are SO WRONG.

truthspew said...

Bad example with the shredded wheat, that's loaded with soluble fiber.

Evil Twin's Wife said...

I'm an avid cereal box reader too! I have been since I was a little girl. Unfortunately, in my old age, I have mystery lactose intolerance (meaning I don't know when the diary will upset my stomach), so I don't eat as much cereal as I use to. And, I have 2 kids and plenty of cereal in the house, too! :-(

Becky said...

I too eat a lot of cereal, but its one of the cheapest and easiest things to eat nowadays. Especially when you're in a hurry in the morning.

Hi my name is Becky and I'm a peanut butter Cap'n Crunch addict.

Roxrocks said...

I'm a Raisin Bran girl, myself.

Mona said...

THAT is why I hate Cereals. I do not want a Rectumoplasty due to Frootloopaholism.

& why 'Damnit honey not now'? Riboflavin you will get anyway whether you check it or not, But Adrenarlin rush you will miss that way...

I like the way when the cereal nutrition serial list goes on and on & on to Fat 0% sodium 0% iron 0% cholestrol 0% ....

Sassy Blondie said...

LBB, I too am a cereal lover. I too read the box of whatever cereal I am eating at the time. Even though I know how bad it is for me, Lucky Charms really IS magically delicious! I cannot step away...

Memphis Steve said...

I don't think serial rapists usually like to spoon, except the ones in prison where their victims are their cellmates and can't get away. And why aren't we prosecuting prison rapists, anyway?

Weary Hag said...

Dude. Can't even begin to tell you how good it is to read your shit again.

Been too long.

Jay said...

These are amazing things to consider!
I don't eat cereal, but I do compulsively read labels. I like to know what's going in my tummy, even when it's rotten.

NeverEnough said...

Have you thought of doing stand-up?

Blogget Jones said...

Kid cereals are the best! And I love the boxes, too, with their attempts to lure in the children while simultaneously convincing the parents that all this marshmallowy-sugar-coated-tune-your-milk-blue-wonderfulness is "part of a nutritional breakfast"! Gotta love it!

:o) BJ

Ari said...

Some cereals (such as that Eggo waffle kind) I avoid buying because they are less breakfast and more eat box continually until finished.

Mona said...

Big Butt? still counting on fingers?

Anonymous said...

Now I remember why I used to read your blog. You're kinda funny! I should stop back more often. From the Flirtatious Feline...mwah!

Mona said...

Still high on cereals?

Mona said...

are you dead?

Mona said...

Happy father's day dead man sleeping!

NeverEnough said...

You've definitely made me think!

PlatinumGirl said...

This post reminds me of one of my favorite Phil Hartman SNL skits -- a "commercial" for a cereal called "Colon Blow." OMG

R said...

I avoid any cereal with fruits and nuts. After all, you are what you eat.

Janet said...

What you're out of ideas?! Never!

R said...

Will you please fucking write something?

mcBlogger said...

So true. I have found on many occasions, reading the box. Depending on the size of the bowl I have, directly relates to how much of the box I read. A large bowl will have me reading right down to the tiny little disclaimers and perhaps checking to see if it's Kosher.

dr.alistair said...

there is a 1-800 number now, so you can have a conversation with a company expert while you eat.

i eat oatmeal. the packaging is so boring that it will reduce you to tears....needless to say, i`m not calling that 1-800 any time soon.

EmmaK said...

I always thought serial rapists rolled their victims in sugar before drowning them in milk.

mlah said...

it's all about the apple jacks!

and yeah. i have to purposely NOT buy cereal, cause i'll eat an entire box.

mckay said...

where've you been, dude?

Mona said...

Big Butt. The Facebook has hijacked you!

May its face be blackened!

THE OTHER said...

hmmm.. no new posts in a very long time.. and I just came back to the blosphere after my long vacation.... pity, i really enjoyed you.

Miss Cellania said...

Are you ever going to return to your blog?

christopherc said...

As always, I enjoyed your thoughts and humor. I am curious if you've ever been a case study for a psychologist though?

LOL

Ari said...

Hiya LBB!

Just wondering if you're tweeting or any such thing. If you are, shoot me a line @violetthunk or on ye olde blog. Miss ya!

Ari

Shoshana said...

Time for another post LBB. It's just over a year now. :)