4/01/2009

Cereal numbers

When I'm eating a bowl of cereal, the information on the cereal box becomes both fascinating and terribly important.  Whatever the boys at Kellog's have to say, I need to know.   The anecdotes about wheat farming and home-style recipes still in use at the cereal factory are compelling.  Likewise with the quick-fix snack recipe that calls for the cereal I'm currently crunching.  Maybe I'll make it someday!  Of course, the nutritional info is the most important information.  During breakfast, my wife may try to ask me a question or give me a kiss goodbye.  Dammit, honey.  Not now.  I need to know how much riboflavin I'm getting here.  

Eating cereal is addictive.  That's probably why they call it "cereal."  It's like those serial killers -- they can't stop doing it once they start.  The serving size for cereal is one cup.  But I eat 3 or 4 bowls.  So I'll read the vitamin chart on the side of the box and start worrying.  Is it possible to overdose on this stuff? By my calculations, I just ate the equivalent of 42 Flintstone pills.  God, I hope my liver doesn't shut down.  

That would make for an embarrassing share-session at the rehab clinic.  "Hi, my name is Rich and I'm a Froot Loopahalic.  [Hi, Rich]  I knew I hit rock-bottom when I developed Shredded Wheat induced bowel obstruction and I was free-basing Total with Calcium  through a crack pipe.  This one time, I aspirated the toy prize.  Bad times, man."

Speaking of which, do you think serial rapists like to spoon their victims?