11/24/2010

Annual Thanksgiving Post.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Every Thanksgiving I get to thinking about the Indians.  I wonder if they celebrate Thanksgiving.  I don’t imagine so. The way I see it, Thanksgiving is like their Pearl Harbor Day -- nothing to celebrate. Let’s just hope Indians don’t retaliate with an atomic bomb like we did!  Ah, why worry?  The closest they'll come to splitting an atom is spilling fire-water from their canteens to the campfire.  Send my regards to Chief Stumbled Steps.  

Being a paleface, I love Thanksgiving.  I love a holiday with food as its raison d'etre.  Thanksgiving is the time of year I wish I had 4 stomachs, like a cow.  That would be great.  I could eat non-stop.  Come to think of it, better throw in a couple extra colons.  You don’t want to bottleneck the system.  If I break off the bigger part of the wishbone, I’m going to wish for that -- and for my enemies to be in pain, and a bigger penis if the wishbone can get around to it.

I love the food at a Thanksgiving feast.  Turkey is traditional fare.  Some people claim an ingredient in turkey acts as a sedative that induces slumber.  I’m skeptical.  I attribute the post-meal drowsiness to stuffing one’s gullet with a lawn bag-full of food, and all the hooch in the egg nog.  Here’s a tip for this year’s feast: marinating the turkey in Rock Star and seasoning with crushed No-Doze offsets the drowsiness.  After all, you’ll need your wits for those inevitable family fights -- another Thanksgiving staple.  I always pocket a shard of wishbone in case I have to stab my drunk uncle in the neck and make a quick getaway. That’s another tip I’d like to share.

I love egg nog, too.  Eggs, milk, cream, sugar, and your favorite liquor.  It’s chock full of calories.  I drank two glasses of egg nog last Thanksgiving and didn’t recover my appetite until Cinco De Mayo.  It’s filling stuff.  We could nourish the entire continent of Africa with a few pints of egg nog.  Happy Kwanza, Kunta Kinte.  Drink up.  Incidentally, I pride myself on being a non-judgmental person.  But if Africans celebrated Christmas instead of Kwanza, God wouldn’t let them starve.

After a huge meal, the family has to unbutton their pants to accommodate full bellies, all except my uncle, a Class 2 sex-offender who remains under court-order not to unbutton his pants within 50 feet of a minor.  Unbuttoned pants are the hallmark of a good meal, aren’t they?  That, or a really good adult website.  I can barely move by Thanksgiving evening on account of my alimentary canal being full of food.  But who needs to ambulate when you’ve got all those wonderful Christmas specials on TV?  Every time I watch Macaulay Culkin get his genitals caught in the food processor while watching himself in the mirror, I laugh my ass off. “Agggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!”  It just keeps getting funnier every year.  Some people think it’s the cologne he applies to his face.  Not true.  This year, pause yourTiVo and look at the bottom of the screen.  Freggin’ pervert is copulating with a Proctor Silex Salad Pro.  You have to watch the director's cut to see it, though.  

Anyway, I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving this year!  Enjoy, Turkey.

18 comments:

Jeannie said...

Makes me wish we celebrated American Thanksgiving. Sigh.

heartinhand said...

Happy Thanksgiving, Paleface. You crazy Americans are always behind us with your Thanksgiving and your football (never mind the whole health care thing!)

I'm so glad you're blogging again. You might even say I'm THANKFUL! =)

Heff said...

Have a good one, dude.

SQT said...

I only wear elastic or draw-string pants on Thanksgiving. Buttons are for people that lack commitment.

I like to try new things, okay-- new liquor-- at Thanksgiving. This year I'm all over the hot-buttered rum. I'm in the mood for spice so I might have to look up a good mulled wine recipe too. I zested the lemons today (and spent a good part of the day smelling like lemon pledge) and got the limoncello going. My neighbor's lemon tree has never seen so much action.

Dawn said...

LBB, I must know. Do you write for a newspaper or magazine for a living? If not, you've missed your calling.

I had to read this one outloud to my husband. I was cracking up. You've got one warped sense of humor. LOL!

Happy Thanksgiving - Thanks for the laughs.

Shabbygalsnest said...

Your family gatherings seem way more fun then mine.Doesn't every family have that creepy weird uncle though? Ittook me awhile to figure out that it wasn't normal to take your pants off and sit on your uncles lap after dinner. ;)Good luck with those Thanksgiving wishes!

Philosophia said...

Happy Thanksgiving! I love food holidays too, it's the best part! What else are you supposed to do when you get together with people? ;p I'm sure you'll have tons of adventures to blog about, after said visit from sex offender uncle and what not. :)

Sandra said...

Now I'll never look at Home Alone the same way...

thoughtsappear said...

4 stomaches? You are a genius!

And thank you for revealing that bit about Home Alone.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Anonymous said...

I hope you have a great Thanksgiving, LBB. Thanks for the laughs.

T-Rex

kittycat said...

I love egg nog, with a little rum.
My thanksgiving is filled with a little fitness, sex and food.

It has been an awesome freakin day.

Dont you think they were gettin in on way back then in between the food and giving thanks?

Jess said...

Caught in a food processor, eh? Well, I've learned something new! ;)

You're not well... and I love it!

Jennifer Fabulous said...

I hope you had a great Thanksgiving! :)

My bf is half Native American and ironically, its his Sioux side that celebrates Thanksgiving in the most elaborate way. They have a huge feast and invite the whole freaking neighborhood. And its kind of cool celebrating with them. It's like being a pilgrim or something. Lol.His white side (dad's) basically just goes out for buffet and watches football. Strange, huh?

I hope you have an awesome holiday weekend as well! Don't overdose on Beano! ;)

Mrs4444 said...

Pretty funny stuff here, friend (except for the alcoholic stereotype, to be honest). I hope you don't mind my offering that opinion.

Seriously, I don't often read posts aloud to my family, but I did yours, and the guys, especially, laughed a LOT :) I hope you get your wish(es).haha

vodka and ground beef said...

This made me laugh hard:

"The way I see it, Thanksgiving is like their Pearl Harbor Day -- "

I never thought of it that way.

But then the last paragraph . . . HI-LARIOUS!!

I needed a good laugh, so thanks LBB. Hope your alimentary canal is recovering.

Mona said...

Thanksgiving Day marginalized! That is the second place I am seeing that today!

Whenever you talk about Indians, I wonder which Indians you are talking about!

Wishbone for four chambered stomach, is going to be your enemy's pain?

And...wishbone for a larger penis might be a pain(in the...( you can the word to fill here)) for your loved ones...

Siren said...

Just stopping by from Heff's blog. Great post, I laughed and I cringed...sorry you are related to uncle diddles. I will never look at my food processor the same way again.

Chapter Two said...

does your music choice seriously say 'elevator' on your profile?????

that is seriously funny!