• Environmentalists forget that man makes the most beautiful things.  Look at at city skyline or a modern marvel of architecture.  
  • I went into a Dick's Sporting Goods.  Not a single jock strap for sale.  Ironic.
  • If cars were cheap to fix, traffic jams would be fun!  Imagine not having to worry about fender-benders!  Every commute to work would become the A-hole 500.  
  • Curiosity is the essence of intelligence.  If you really want to know, you'll figure it out.  If you don't, you'll come off like a dunce.  
  • People praise the virtue of patience.  But the way I see it, patience is just tolerance for what's wrong.
  • TV ads should come with a disclaimer:  "Best possible scenario depicted."  Advertisers don't lie.  They're showing you the rare occasion when the piece of crap actually does what it's supposed to do.  I bought one of those clapper vegetable choppers because after watching the commercial I realized my life was worthless without one.  The thing is great at almost chopping vegetables.  It's perfect for those occasions where you need a checkerboard of tomato held together by a membrane of tomato skin.    
  • I'm much more inclined to believe salesmen with accents.  If they have an accent, they must be telling the truth.  A pitchman from Australia convinced me there's a magical cloth called a shammy that will soak up any quantity of fluid, retain it within its water-tight textiles, and with a wring over the sink, spill its contents down the drain.  If he were American, I'd know he was full of crap and just buy more paper towels.  But the accent proves he's sincere.  The next time I call in sick for work, I'm doing it in my best Chinese accent.  "Soddy fo sick.  No wok today.  I stay home an surf innet pawn."
  • If you always seem to say the wrong thing, you might just be talking to the wrong person.
  • When I'm at a restaurant, I'll wait however long it takes for them to bring my meal.  I don't mind waiting.  I'll enjoy the ambiance and my company.  But if the waiter forgets the complimentary bread, I panic.  If he's more than one minute late with the bread basket, I pull the fire alarm.  
  • Dogs lack the ability to wonder.  I'll walk into a room and flip the light switch.  The light goes on and my dog can see where he once was blind.  The only thing is, he doesn't know about electricity or light bulbs.  So shouldn't he see that as a miracle?  Imagine being blind and then for no discernible reason, suddenly you can see.  That would be a miracle, right?  And whoever walked in the room just before it happened would be a messiah.  Yet my dog just wags his tail at me and takes another nap.  
  • The bad economy is turning me into a real prick.  Nowadays, when I walk into a store, I expect to be treated like royalty.  As if I don't spend my precious money at their store, the employees will be sucking cock for beer money.  But things really aren't that bad. 
  • Feminine fashion appears to be in a state of flux.  I'm not sure quite how to describe my preferences: somewhere between shaved bald and the illusion that Gary Coleman is taking a nap in your lap -- if you please.
  • If we shouldn't worry what others think of us, why should we worry what other countries think of us?  What is a country but a collection of people (who all eat the same kind of food)?
  • There's a cute little electronic gadget that plays 20-Questions, and then does an excellent job of telling you what you were thinking about.  They should make one for which country you're thinking about.  "Do you prefer football or soccer?"  "Does your diet consist mostly of rice and beans?"  "If you get caught stealing, will they saw your hand off?  "Does your country feature TV shows that show fat people struggling to lose weight in a competitive environment."
  • I don't mean to appear insensitive to starving people, but I wonder how anybody goes hungry in America.  Why not go into a fine restaurant, sit down, and kill off a few baskets of complimentary bread?  After you get your fill, tell the waiter that the wine list is unacceptable and march out indignantly.  But don't forget to visit the men's room first, and get a free spritz of fine cologne from the restroom attendant to negate the sewer smell of your soiled clothing, you piece of garbage!
  • I've never met somebody who needed something to eat.  But I've met many who've needed something to drink.  
  • The best way I figure we can fight terrorism is stuff millions of cute, stuffed toy camels with nanny-cams and ship them to toy stores in the Middle East.  Why should a terrorist enjoy more privacy rights than an au pair?  
  • How do blind people stop themselves from falling asleep when they're tired?  
  • The best thing about the latest Batman film is that the bat suit didn't have nipples.  That was worth the $9.50 right there.  Every costume department should have at least one heterosexual to stop things from getting out of hand.
  • Police do have a tough job.  Nobody is happy to see you.  Everybody wants you out of their rear view mirror and their life as soon as possible.  Everybody hates the job you're doing.  Nobody can relate to that, except maybe Whoopi Goldberg.  
  • My idea for USB-connected computer dildo: the iBeam.  
  • I can't decide whether to continue investing in the stock market, or just go to the ATM teller every week day, withdraw 40 bucks and light it on fire.
  • Do you know the anxious feeling you get when you roll out into an intersection to make a left-hand turn, and then you realize there's no green arrow, and now you're just hanging out in an intersection with a guy behind you who took your spot and a few oncoming a-holes trying to blow throw the yellow light?  That's how I feel about the future of this country: can't go back; and moving forward is scary as hell. 
  • Why don't people who talk a lot get repetitive stress disorder in their jaw?  Wouldn't that be nice?
  • When I was younger, I'd get ready in the mirror and I'd try to look hip, cool and sexy.  Now I just try to achieve whatever look won't embarrass me too much.
  • I envy those people who snack on fruit.  I wish I could satisfy my cravings with fruit.  I need a couple Pop Tarts or a row of Girl Scout Thin Mints or fudge brownie sundae.  Who snacks on fruit, anyway?  "Gee,  I'm craving something sweet right now.  I'm so in the mood for a.... cumkwat.  Mmmmmmm... that would hit the spot."  You freakin' weirdo!  
  • We're such a self-loathing culture.  We don't even give ourselves credit when we do something right -- like when you snack on fruit.  It doesn't count unless it's organic.  See, it's not enough that you chose broccoli over a Three Musketeers Bar.  It has to be grown without pesticides and hormones -- otherwise you're eating what The Man wants you to.  If I eat legumes, I want credit, dammit.  I don't care if they grew them in plutonium.  


SQT said...

Oh my goodness! You're back! I just saw this on my feed and was irrationally excited. Now I remember why. Everything here is so true and laugh out loud funny. And yeah, it must suck to be Whoopie Goldberg.

Vodka and Ground Beef said...

"I envy those people who snack on fruit." HI-larious.

"I went into a Dick's Sporting Goods. Not a single jock strap for sale. Ironic." HI-larious.

Evil Twin's Wife said...

How did you get inside my head? I wonder about all this stuff too! :-)

Deborah said...

Curiosity is the essence of intelligence.

Amen brotha.

Heff said...

Good Stuff, but THANKS for bringing back my suppressed memories of sucking cock for beer money.....

Jeannie said...

Dogs just take us gods for granted.

Love it all.

Memphis Steve said...

I wish I had known that trick about being more convincing with an accent back when I was single and trying to pick up girls. I could have gotten laid every night just by talking like the Lucky Charms leprechaun, dammit.

JUST ME said...

I need my bread basket too.

DO NOT forget to bring me my bread, dammnit!

Jennifer Fabulous said...

I envy people who crave fruit too. I'd be 30 pounds lighter if I were one of those people...sigh.

Anonymous said...

Gary Coleman taking a nap in your lap----effin hilarious!! Great visual.


Osbasso said...

You live! Woohoo!!!

Damned glad to see you back!

Anonymous said...

I've snacked on fruit. All I got for it was the shits. That doesn't happen when I eat chips.

Just sayin'.

So where were you, anyway?! C'mon we need the backstory!

tornwordo said...

Why don't people who talk a lot get repetitive stress disorder in their jaw? Wouldn't that be nice?

God that would be perfect!

Shabbygalsnest said...

Snack on fruit I too long to be one of those people. My kids are and not sure where thety got it from I never touch fruit.Unless it's in ice cream or on top of ice cream. The bread basket for some strange reason the last couple of times we have went out they have forgotten ours and we watch everyone around us happily munching there's. Guess maybe I need to get some of that anger and assert it. Traci

Dawn said...

Thanks for stopping by and commenting on my blog today.

Love, love, love this post.

Oh, I just a Fuji apple FROM WASHINGTON. It was a fundraiser. Does that make it as good as organic? Ha

Vodka and Ground Beef said...

"Dogs lack the ability to wonder. I'll walk into a room and flip the light switch. The light goes on and my dog can see where he once was blind. The only thing is, he doesn't know about electricity or light bulbs. So shouldn't he see that as a miracle?"

This is so true. Once I tried to teach my dog how to spell the word doll just like Anne Sullivan tried to teach Helen Keller. He didn't even really try that hard, and I wasn't very proud of him. I don't get it.

Weary Hag said...

Hey word dude... glad to see you're still chomping at the bit. No, really. Not many of the good ol' timers around.

Peter said...

Very pleased to hear you bought the Shammy (Chamois) from the Australian pitchman,that probably made two he sold.