11/17/2010

Thoughtprints

  • The wife bought me a box of Mint Fudge Oreo cookies.  Nabisco covered the Oreo we all know and love with a layer of mint-flavored fudge.  This is too much decadence.  It's baroque and sinful.  Nabisco is no longer baking; it's tapping into the occult.  I'm afraid that when I look in the box, the Light of Christ will obliterate me like it did the Nazi's when they peered into the Ark of the Covenant in the first Indiana Jones movie.
  • I think sites like MySpace and Facebook did weblogs a favor by siphoning off the lightweights and posers. Left in their wake is a high concentration of first-rate writers.  It feels so good to be blogging again.  You people are so much more interesting than the social networking sites and so much less depressing than the daily news.
  • I ate a carne asada bake at Costco the other day.  Evidently "carne asada" is Spanish for "flavorless prison food."  That bake was so bland it could have hosted a show on NPR.
  • "Your most unhappy customers are your greatest source of learning."  -- Bill Gates.  "In that case, you're the wisest em effer on the planet."  -- LBB.
  • TV ads should come with a disclaimer: "Best possible scenario depicted." Advertisers don't lie. They're just showing you the rare occasion when the piece of crap actually does what it's supposed to do.
  • You know what word processors need?  A "stop trying to fucking help me" button.  Also, when importing text via the clipboard, a "don't retain the jacked-up, ass-backwards font from the source page" button.  These programs have become too smart for their own good.
  • Airport security is patting down toddlers.  Remember the good ole days when frisking a kid at the airport got you 15-to-life in prison?  Nowadays, they give you an Employee of the Month pin.  Hey, Captain, this one's trying to smuggle a couple of Milk Duds and a Twizzler.... uh, oops.  False alarm.  Sorry kid.
  • People are up in arms over airport body scan images leaked onto the Internet.  Yeah, because millions of teenage boys are discarding gigabytes of hi-def Internet porn so they can pop one out to a 32-bit grey-scale image of your cocktail wiener and middle-age traveling salesman ass.  Incidentally, it must be awfully cold in those scanners.
  • A woman has recently become the first transgender judge -- giving rise to the phrase, Your Hon-Or-Off.
  •  In the news today, a fisherman found a human head in his bucket, but at first mistook it for a fish.  It turns out, somebody decapitated Steve Buscemi.  

20 comments:

Adrie Kovic said...

I'm afraid that when I look in the box, the Light of Christ will obliterate me like it did the Nazi's when they peered into the Ark of the Covenant in the first Indiana Jones movie. <-----Bwahahahahahhaah *snort* hahahahahhahaha! That was awesome!

Mona said...

MINT Fudge cookies!! EWWWWW! Mint flavor should be the copyright of only tootpaste makers!It is indeed baroque to have cookies like that!

You must be feeling suicidal to have gone for the asada thing, knowing what it meant...

I agree about the TV disclaimer. Imagine, the stayfree sanitary napkin pad ad saying : " have a happy period"!

The word, 'processor' is suitable for only one other word, that is ' food'

have those airport authority people stopped wearing heels?

I bet those body scanning people are what we call 'chaddi chor" ( underwear thieves)

" ...therefore your Hon-Or-Off, I would like to conclude that whether the prosecutor is on or off, he is always off ( his track)"

Hmmm, something is sure fishy about that Steve Buscemi.

Real Housewives of Oklahoma said...

You're so funny. The first comment about the mint fudge covered oreos is fantastic. I'm also cracking up over the human head being Steve Buscemi! LOL.

-Mrs. Edwards

Evil Twin's Wife said...

"That bake was so bland it could have hosted a show on NPR."
THAT made my morning! Too funny!

Deborah said...

I'm with you on the Facebook denominator. It's okay. We can resist.

Tiffany said...

I don't see what the big deal is about the airport scanner. I'm guessing most people that are getting scanned aren't the cream of the crop if you know what I'm saying. Hell if they want to scan me go ahead. You might be scarred for life but go ahead. LOL

Anonymous said...

Ohhh- snap! That Steve Buscemi comment is going to have me breaking into spontaneous laughter all day. Thanks!!

T-Rex

Heff said...

I fully agree with you about the Myspace and the Facebook. Heff can't stand EITHER of them !

I have an issue coming up Friday with fudge, myself ! Yeah....

heartinhand said...

I'm glad you're back. You're a breath of fresh blogging air and that ain't the mint Oreos talking.

Jeannie said...

Looking into your blog is like looking into the Ark of the Covenant.

Really. There is just too much to comment on sensibly.

So glad you're back.

WendyB said...

I think it's Twitter that siphoned off a lot of bad bloggers.

Jennifer Fabulous said...

You are so freaking hilarious it kills me. This post made my DAY!!

Oh, and I totally agree about sites like myspace ridding the blogosphere of crap. Let those people have their angled photos and sleazy comments with shallow strangers. A blog would be way too much for them to handle anyway. ;)

Anonymous said...

So, have you ever done a Google search to get to your blog? When you hit 'search' a very interesting anal bleaching ad pops up on the right side of the screen! How 'enlightening'!

Just had to share,

T-Rex

SQT said...

Facebook is irritating as hell. I use it to try to connect with other bloggers and have come to the conclusion that I like them a lot less on Facebook. What makes these people think I want to know about their politics or their napping habits?

And while fudge-dipped Oreos are sinful, have you noticed the new trend of adding bacon to everything? We have a local grocery store that sells chocolate bars with bacon and it sounds appealing in a disturbing way. I found a blog that has bacon-infused recipes and I'm intrigued and appalled all at once by things like bacon-rice-crispy treats. I promised my husband I would try the bacon-choc-chip cookie recipe. Just once though.

Peter said...

Welcome home LBB, just caught up with your re-entry posts, glad to see the vacation hasn't blunted your wit.

Birdie said...

You get a cold white light if you put those Oreos in the freezer. Mmmmmmm.

When I open Word for the first time on any computer I own, the first thing I do is disable every single auto-function I can find. How bad is it that so many of those "helps" are WRONG? Still, I can't get rid of all of them, and it drives me nuts that a program has more power than I do to write my document.

Honey, I love your thoughtprints.

Bennet said...

I've noticed the same thing with Facebook. Everybody else leaves boring crap like I'm at the mall picking out shoes, eating a cheese cake, blah - blah, but seasoned blogger their stuff is entertaining.

Apparently blogging was training us that understood people don't care about what our cat Rambo ate that day.

vodka and ground beef said...

" . . . so they can pop one out to a 32-bit grey-scale image of your cocktail wiener and middle-age traveling salesman ass. Incidentally, it must be awfully cold in those scanners."

HI-LARIOUS.

I'm going to be writing a post about being felt up hardcore by airport security. It was awesome. I don't know what people are complaining about.

Senorita said...

Your wife knows best ! Those cookies are awesome, my ass would grow twice its size overnight if I kept them in the house.

Mrs4444 said...

Wow! You are really funny! Since you seem to enjoy random thoughts, I recommend you link up (next Thursday night, 9pm central) to my Friday Fragments post. On a non-holiday weekend, there are 25-35 other fragmenters linking up, and you could meet/greet some like-minded bloggers :)

Milk Duds and a Twizzler...lol