11/18/2010

Too cool for school

List of cool things I want to do:

*Hurl a knife at a guy such that the knife sticks into the wall inches above his head, and then shimmies back and forth, and even though I don't have the knife anymore, he knows not to mess with me because if I can throw a knife like that, then who knows what else I can do?

*Discern the precise depth of a gorge by dropping a stone and listening for the report of the stone when it strikes the ground.  Then having my friend doubt my estimate because "that's impossible."  Then later, we Google it and it turns out I was right.  Steak dinner!

*Tame a wild animal threatening a campsite using my body language to communicate that I'm indeed the alpha male, yet I mean him no harm.  When all the campers rush to thank me, I pose humble and explain that I learned it watching Discovery Channel, and that they're the real heroes.

*Be the first on the scene at a traffic hazard and direct traffic.  People gather from my demeanor that I'm in charge -- so no horn blasts and no little kids giving me the finger from the back seat.

*Pop open the hood of a disabled vehicle, jiggle the right wires, hoses and components so that the car suddenly starts up.  Admittedly, this is probably the most unlikely of all my goals listed here.  Unless the car ran out of gas and there's a 7-Eleven in sight, no way I'm getting the car to start!

*Tackle a purse thief in mid-thievery.  Come to learn that the old lady victim had Christmas money in her purse for grandkids which they will get, thanks to me.  Humbly decline invite to Christmas dinner.

*Be the guy who scales the wall, goes around and unlocks the door from the other side for the others to get into wherever we're trying to get into.

*Successfully navigate a hike using a makeshift compass needle, noting the position of celestial bodies and tree moss, and drawing on my experience as a cub scout -- even though we could have taken the easy way out and used my Droid's GPS.

*Join in a doo-wop group singing around a barrel fire, slip right in with the harmonies, take over the lead and end the song with a hoo-OOO-ooo-waaahhhhhhhh.  Shake hands with the guys and then keep walking while the leader of the group asks the other guys, who was that cool cat? -- or words to that effect.

*Get drafted by a group of guys playing football at the park because their friend got hurt and now they're a man short.  Catch the winning touchdown and lead team to a come-from-behind victory.  Guys are almost glad their friend got hurt.  Other team clamors for a rematch, but I look at my watch and say I have to go.

*Spear a fish with a stick of bamboo.  Cook it rotisserie style on a sandy beach.

*Successfully negotiate my party's way out of a foreign jail cell with my considerable charm and also by besting the guardsmen at cards, chess or whatever their pastime is while on the job.

*After learning we're flooded in for the night, whip up a 7-course meal using whatever ingredients I can find in the cabin kitchen.  Wow fellow travelers.

*Hit a ridiculously high hand in blackjack and catch a small card, giving me 21 and making the dealer sneer.  Then giving a knowing look to the attractive lady across the table.

*Flip a bunch of burgers on the grill at just the right time so that they only have one set of parallel grill markings on each side.  Serve them by pointing to each guy with the spatula and saying "you wanted yours medium-well, right?"

26 comments:

Mona said...

That sounds like a list of requisite eligibility qualifications for an Indian Movie Hero!

Jeannie said...

Awesome goals.

I've totally done the blackjack thing. More than once. The table does not adore you. They believe you've messed with the order of the cards and have now jinxed everything.

At a charity table, my friend was sitting with 15 and deliberating. I told her
Take the next card. It's a six.
And it was. The entire table turned and looked at me until I went away.

I also directed traffic at an accident scene and made a total mess of it. That was years ago and I still get red in the face when I think of it.

Deborah said...

LBB as superhero!

Put all of these in a movie script.

Who would play you?

Ryleh said...

With a little imagination, these goals really aren't so difficult. Good luck.

Personal goal of mine obtained: Imply online that I have a dashing secret agent life that also involves taming bears and whatnot.

Diane Laney Fitzpatrick said...

If you did all those things, you'd be a superhero. Or the star of a Bruce Willis movie. As for the first one: You could always go get the knife afterward. So you'd have that.

SQT said...

I envision something out of "Resident Evil" where I'm dressed in the skirt 'slit-up-to-there' (looking totally hot of course) when I'm set upon by a a group of zombies that I dispatch by using the automatic weapon strapped to my thigh.

That's no more unlikely than winning a game of chess in my world.

Diane Laney Fitzpatrick said...

You are a hard man to reach. (That's what she said.) No, but really, I wanted to send you a note suggesting that you get your blog on Facebook's Networked Blogs so I could get reminders that you've written a new blog. Love your blog! But I need constant reminders to read all the good stuff out there. Adult ADD: There are so many of us now.

Birdie said...

Who was that masked man?!

Heff said...

Our life goals are VERY different, lol !

heartinhand said...

So...you want to be James Bond? =)

Paige said...

my money is on joining a doo-wop group

Impulsive Addict said...

I get to be your 58th follower!

Okay....you scare me a little but you also make me laugh! I like the name, LBB.

I just scrolled down a little bit when I was reading and saw "mint fudge oreo" and now that's all I can think about. Thanks alot. I'll probably have to run to the store.

Thanks for stopping by the RHOK blog today!

Mrs. Coco
AKA
Impulsive

Sexxxay said...

I also want to be the guy who tackles a purse thief!

Except, I am not a guy, and it would probably be MY purse, and I will probably get really angry and cry and the thief will be permanently scarred by memories of me bawling and pummeling his face O_o

Dawn said...

Yep, you all have the makings of a superhero! Seriously.

And, I'm so going to start calling the Duck Fart a Goose Honk. Perfect. You should be hired by someone, somewhere who pays you to name shots.

JUST ME said...

"Tame a wild animal threatening a campsite using my body language to communicate that I'm indeed the alpha male, yet I mean him no harm."

Now THAT was funny.

This post could be turned into some kind of movie. I promise I won't steal your idea...at least for 6 months.

Shabbygalsnest said...

Would you wear a cape? Traci

Peter said...

I could have written this list LBB.... and I would have immediately handed it over and said "this must be yours... I'm not doing any of them.

Anonymous said...

I think the Dos Equis guy would love to do this list. Loved it!

T-Rex

Anonymous said...

Your writing made great impression on me, forced to think differently. Continue their creative pursuits, and I'll follow you!

Anonymous said...

I was pleasantly surprised at how easily the author writes about everything that interests him. This is something there!

Jennifer Fabulous said...

Oh, how I look forward to your new posts. :P

These cracked me up, especially the wild animal one. Seriously, you have to do some of these things and blog the outcomes. Even if they don't go as you hoped, they would still make for one heck of a story. ;) I would pay money to see these things in person. Omg. Youtube them!! You'll be famous!

Philosophia said...

Awesome! I would love to do some of these too, like the last two.

Nice blog! :)

Denise said...

I am jealous of your list making skills... I now have a goal to make a list similarly wonderful but more personally oriented.

bschooled said...

This could very well be the best post I've ever read. And

I'm not just saying that because I dabble in knife throwing.

Mrs4444 said...

Watch movies much?LOL You've got some adventurous goals there!

Penny Lane said...

"*Join in a doo-wop group singing around a barrel fire, slip right in with the harmonies, take over the lead and end the song with a hoo-OOO-ooo-waaahhhhhhhh. Shake hands with the guys and then keep walking while the leader of the group asks the other guys, who was that cool cat? -- or words to that effect."

I'd like to witness this , when it happens.

Peace and Love,
D