12/16/2010

Costco is the reason for the season

Having returned from Costco, I’m happy to report the Christmas Spirit thrives. It hangs thick in the air and infects all who inhale it or imbibe it mixed with an equal portion of liquor. It resonates in the horn-beeps of armed motorists who for a lack of a clean shot stew behind sluggish, wayward motorists in the left lane. It shines in the eyes of the child who gave me the finger on my drive home. Merry Christmas, little fella. I hope Mom and Dad give you the news of divorce this year. And what might that be in your stocking? Are those admission papers to military school? You’re twice blessed, young man.

Retailers hustle all year earning little or no profit merely to survive until the holiday season, where they capture the Spirit along with windfall profits which will keep them afloat until the next year. Likewise, I live for the Christmas Season. It rekindles my heart. It redeems my soul. But most importantly, it moves me to shop at Costco.

My trip began with a gridlock formation in the Costco parking lot. It was the funniest thing. An old man was trying to prove his virility by backing into an empty parking space (the empty space itself was a Christmas Miracle). Had he pulled in, it would have taken a few seconds of everybody’s time. Opting to back in, he exceeded his diminishing driving abilities. It wasn’t long before he found himself in a Christmastime quandary. Through a series of over-corrections, he had wedged himself obliquely between two parked cars. His front end protruded enough to block traffic in both directions. The stationary thoroughfare locked in those Costco patrons trying to back out of their spaces. Several motorists blared their horns in celebration of the Christmas Spirit. Fearing gunplay might accompany the Christmas Horns Medley, I resisted the temptation to join them. I eventually found available parking in the adjacent zip code. The aforementioned driver was ambulanced to St. Joseph’s Medical Center after a road rage battery. Those of you wishing to send a fruitcake can email me for his room number.

I entered the store awash in Christmas Spirit. Several patrons loitered in the entryway while talking on cell phones, rifling through their wallets or attending to other personal matters. They afforded me the opportunity to test my driving skills by maneuvering my shopping cart around a constellation of bovine discount shoppers. Naturally I had to fish my membership card out of my wallet while negotiating the dicey entryway. I had to laugh when the Costco Nazi girl in the Santa hat failed to look at my card as I conspicuously displayed it. Oh, well. It was fun just fumbling for the thing.

As I shopped I encountered several more bovine discount shoppers who in a frenzy of Christmas Spirit cut me off, blocked my forward progress and screened me from whatever merchandise might have taken my interest. They congregated around the food samples and competed for morsels of smoked salmon, potato soup and cheese spread. I can only hope some red and green glass shards found their way into the samples. What are the holidays without the hors d'oeuvres? Merry Christmas.

I finally finished my shopping and proceeded to the checkout lines. I found a short line -- another Christmas Miracle! Well, it was short when I entered it. Fearing I’d be lonely this holiday season, a Marlboro-smoking hag barreled her way in front of me. How thoughtful. But for her, I’d have zipped out of Costco without the opportunity to bask in Christmas cheer. The Marlboro lady didn’t have a cart or any merchandise. Instead she beckoned a son (I assumed after seeing the cart-toting male behind me that a man mustered the courage to copulate with her long enough to reproduce) to insert himself and his wares between me and the cashier. The son initially showed reluctance. He gestured at me. But the Marlboro lady assured him I wasn’t worthy of consideration. After all, I had the nerve to enter the line before she got there. The Christmas Spirit prompted me to yield to the son. I suspected he had enough troubles. I moved along to the next line.

It moved surprisingly fast. Before I knew it I was loading my 9-pack of Duraflame Logs on the conveyor belt along with several food items. The cashier and the bagger both seemed friendly enough. The former uttered a hello before whispering to the latter. It didn’t take long for me to learn that the whispering was about my decision to load the case of logs on the conveyor. Said the bagger “Next time, sir, you can leave the case of logs in the cart. Now Cece has to lift it.” At once I offered to lift the case myself, but it fell on deaf ears. The Christmas Spirit had infected these two like a case of gonorrhea. They wouldn’t hear of it. Instead, they struggled with the case together and placed it back in the cart, all the while flashing me contemptuous looks. I noticed that Cece was wearing a wrist brace. One has to wonder why they’d put a cripple on a warehouse register. Many large and bulky items make there way through checkout. Perhaps a job scrubbing bathroom shitters would prove more befitting an employee in her condition. I made certain to suggest that very thing to the line manager on my way out. Anyway, I wondered whether long hours of cashiering wore her wrist. Perhaps her wrist gave way to the chronic stress of furnishing her boyfriend with hand jobs. But for a possible case carpal-tunnel syndrome, I’d have encouraged her to wipe her ass with her attitude. As a healthcare professional, I couldn’t encourage her to further aggravate her ailment. Conscience got the better of me.

I spent my money and it was time to leave. Costco members know you don’t just stroll out of the building. You have to prove you’re not a shoplifter by presenting your receipt to the Costco Doorman. Usually two lines form -- one for each doorman. Today's group of bovines didn’t understand the “form-a-line” concept. The one doorman was standing there with an idle Sharpie Marker. I saw my chance. I darted past the bovines. Just then the other one -- this one a lady, so what does that make her -- a doorperson? -- shouts “people, we have to form two lines. That’s it. Two lines!” Now I started feeling pangs of guilt. Being as smart as your average kindergartner and knowing how to form a line had put me at an advantage. Consequently I zipped past several patrons who’d arrived before me. I’d be damned if I were going to lie in the moral gutter with the Marlboro lady. So I stopped and gestured several bovines to take cuts. But they didn’t get the message. They just chewed hay and stared. That didn’t stop a lady behind me from thundering past and filling the gap with her big, fat Christmas Spirit. I surmised she had a “Save Tookie” rally to get to. I figured that was more important than my thawing chicken pot pie. I waited my turn. Again.

I eventually made it to the doorman who noticed the Heat Dish in my cart. He disapproved of my purchase. In fact, he questioned my sanity. “All these people are buying these things and it hasn’t even gotten cold yet. Crazy.” He didn’t appreciate the irony that even as he spoke, he was wearing a jacket, snowcap and gloves! I saw he was chock full of Christmas Spirit. So I told him that I hoped Santa would bring him that man-sized penis he’s been hoping for so he can donate the 3rd grader one he currently has to charity.

So ended my trip to Costco and so began my Christmas Season. I hope you’re enjoying it as much as I am!

Merry Christmas.

17 comments:

Penny Lane said...

I refuse to walk into Costco. It scares me, and overwhelms me, and makes me just want to stand in the bulk tuna aisle and scream while I pull my hair out.

SQT said...

"Bovine discount shopper" is the best description ever of your average Costco shopper. And the size of their a** is in direct proportion to how much time they spend at the sample displays.

I survive Costco by reminding myself how cheap the liquor is. Only place in town that sells the large bottles of Bailey's. My priorities are so in order aren't they?

heartinhand said...

I can't BELIEVE there was no mention of Dark Chocolate Covered Cranberries, available at Costco this holiday season. Blasphemy!

I love Costco. Love it. It's the thing I miss the most since moving. I can call my friends, I can't really call Costco.

Baloney said...

I (heart) Costco but Oklahoma's bizarre liquor laws will never agree with Costco. I'm sure Walmart is lobbying to keep those laws in place, too.
I hear the same Christmas spirit around here. Saw it today in the school parking lot as we parents showed up for the class Christmas parties.
And for your earlier comment on my blog - thanks for being the only one to catch the apple reference. ;)

Sandra said...

You entered the store awash in Christmas spirit?....pffftttt....bwahahahaha! You get cranky when your wife watches Glee! You did not enter Costco, of all places, awash in Christmas spirit! I am still laughing hysterically! Stop, no really stop!
PS: YOu are terrific, even if you don't like Glee.

Deborah said...

LBB - I personally LOVE you because you do not watch Glee. Just sayin'.

I am snorting and gasping as always. You have captured this experience to a T!!

Next time I'm shopping I am bringing this in my mind so I can find me some pleasure.

BTW - my favorite heffers are the ones what STOP at the top of an escalator. WTF

Peter said...

Gee we don't have Costco In Australia I never realized just how much fun we were missing out on!!!!

Evil Twin's Wife said...

We have Sam's (the East Coast equivalent of Costco) and it's the same routine. I think that whole "check your cart and receipt" thing is a violation of....something. I'm just not sure what.

Heff said...

Having read this post, I'm more PROUD than EVER that I did all my Xmas shopping on Amazon dot com, lol !

KittyCat said...

First can I ask, did you write in super fucking small font to just jack with my eyes? LMAO

I find that this time of year in general all stores are a freakin mess and people are just assholes.

Its safer to shop on line.

Diane Laney Fitzpatrick said...

Costco at Christmastime. Are you insane?

I was a member for one very long, painful year in New Jersey. The thought of having to brandish my membership card to get in the door was the first turn-off. (I've always been philosophically opposed to exclusive clubs.) The second was no bags. Was I supposed to be born knowing that you have to bring your own bags or find some boxes? Well, I wasn't. My first trip there I had to transfer individual items into the back of my car. I hate Costco. I don't care how much money you can save on a 90-pack of canned potato soup. I will never go in one again.

Climb2Nowhere said...

Costco is really tough this time of the year. I was just talking about this to a friend that people are not happy right now in any and all stores. Sad state of affairs! Enjoy the holidays outside of the stores....

Jennifer Fabulous said...

Good lord. I'm so glad I don't shop at Costco or Sam's Club or any of those members only royalty warehouse stores. Lol. Christmas shopping amongst the commoners at Wal-Mart is bad enough. :P

I just don't understand why there are so many people without manners or common sense. People like that Marlboro lady really piss me off. I would have been polite, like you, but hopefully some day she'll run into a mean person who puts her in her place. She needs to learn her lesson.

And how irritating the receipt guy felt the need to judge you for your purchase. Although I did like the penis remark! LOL! Did you really say that?! Awesome.

I hope you have a great weekend!

Mrs4444 said...

Wow. Just wow.

Philosophia said...

Lol, you've made me fall out of my chair laughing yet again. Gotta love Costco, although I do find its towering piles of bulk groceries and stuff rather intimidating, but that's just because I'm tiny and don't wanna get crushed.

Ooh, doormen, isn't that fancy. It was a nice of you to offer them to go ahead, but what a damper on your Christmasy niceness, what with this precious little lady, who took your spot. I hope you gave her a dirty look in the least. I would, but then it seems that sometimes when I make my angry face at people, they tend to think I'm flirting. Gosh, what's wrong with people today?

christopherc said...

Just the laugh at reality I needed this morning! Thank you!

-C

thoughtsappear said...

I read this post to my boyfriend. We decided this was our favorite part: "Merry Christmas, little fella. I hope Mom and Dad give you the news of divorce this year. And what might that be in your stocking? Are those admission papers to military school? You’re twice blessed, young man."